[drinksinbars]

aye me too btd_@hotmail.com although could you ensure its a zip file and no bigger than say 400k???

[Yellow]

That would be cool, cheers mate

Yeah my chapters are pretty long, but I think there'll only be about 18-20 in the book.

Email on it's way...

Anyone else?

[Yellow]

Sent There's no attachment - I posted a link because there's maps and it might be a bit big for hotmail (1.85 MB).

Anything you'd like comments on, I'd be happy to have a read - send to the reply address (I'm not bothered about attachment filesize or format or anything).

Phil

[Kalahinen]

I could have a look at it too. For the last ten years I've been building my own fantasy world, and I began writing five years ago. At some point I am probably going to form a novel of it, so send it in to:

kalahinen@luukku.com

[Cause]

Have only read a bit but so far seems interesting. I can only say for now that is a bit slow and perhaps some sentances should be made shorter.

[Yellow]

quote:

Originally posted by johnturing:
You said that your email was curious.yellow@btinternet.com right?
I just got an email from phil.monks@btinternet.com

Is that you? Its about a story, and I don't think anyone else would just send a story, but its just not the email adress you gave. Just checking because it could be a new form of virus. (It would be a very innovative, strange type of virus though to come like that, and it definitely seems like its you who sent it - its just that hotmail put it in the junk folder and then the email address is different. So just checking).

Yeah, sorry! My bad. I have about 4 email adresses, and tend to use my phil.monks as default. So don't worry - it is me

I'll send a mail to the rest of you, thanks for replying

I've also got a couple of maps as well as the text, which takes the size up to 1.75 MB, so I'll send you a link in your mails, rather than the attachment (I hope you don't mind, but some people don't have the mail space to receive files this size... if you'd rather I mailed you the files, then that's cool)

[Yellow]

Cheers

There will be more to come, as the story progresses, and I get round to filling in more detail - its a slow process getting them from paper to PC

Wtf is this smiley btw?

[bonza]

Don't suppose I could get a look at your work could I? K_S_C@hotmail.co.uk

Got a couple of pieces myself but having trouble finding the time to complete them - I may get round to posting them at some point if anyone wants a look.

[Cause]

Just send me the maps. I have a 1000mb of space.

[Yellow]

Will send the mail soon...

Only one critique so far. Not a good sign...

[Yellow]

Ok thanks for the reply

johnturing also thought it was a bit slow - and since the rest is pretty similar, I'm sort of coming to terms with the fact that it may need streamlining a bit

As for the Erikson names/terms: gah! It's not on purpose, and may have to have a look at that. The sha'ak thing is part of a series of terms - there's gis'ak too, and another, but I don't want to talk about the other yet The words Gis, Sha and (blank, hehe) have meaning. Is it a big deal? - I suppose I could change "sha" to something else, but I like the way it sounds

As for the First, Second, Third - they aren't really anything like the segulah, and I could easily come up with different names for them, so I think that might be best.

Btw - the attacker near the end of the prologue isn't the Second, or the First (and actually, there are many "Seconds", "Firsts", "Thirds", but that's for later, too). I'll have a rethink about names.

The Third itself isn't a huge player, but it represents its kind (and the changes they are going through), which are an important part of the story, which is why I dwelt a bit on what it was thinking etc... but I think this section may need an overhaul, in light of yours and johnt's comments.

The conversation at the end of the prologue might seem more fitting after more is known of what exactly is going on here, but I see your point. I don't want to give too much away, but the way they behave is kind of justified. Having said that, I'll have a rethink there, as well

Ok thanks again, keep it coming!

[drinksinbars]

that smiley is... worrying

read the prologue and some of the first chapter, i have to say i am impressed by your writing ability, its very descriptive but not overly so. Sets the environment up well.

firstly though the names strike me as very close to erikson names especially the sha'ak and calling characters the first, second, third etc. much like shaik and the seguleh

plus in the prologue you focus alot on the thirds characteristics despite what happens at the end, is it a major player in the story, if not perhaps some of the suggestions of further development might not be needed as it seems to slow the pacing down quite a bit. for example if this being has been around for so long it must surely mark time at a higher interval than just weeks and days, living sort of outside the normal flow of time. plus it seems remarkably impatient for such an old character, if its near five hundred years old it probably wouldnt think to much about time taken to pass through a jungle.

although it seems vital that the third be taken almost unawares surely stating his caution and power in one sentence but following immeadiatly after with rash behavious is slightly inconsistent. perhaps he should merely be over powered, accepting his fate begrudgingly. perhaps using deciet instead of bluntly stating that the others must hear of this. it seems obvious the second(is it the secodn?) will kill him for intruding so he should be attempting anything to escape.

i do like the ending though, very enigmatic and well put. plus unlike me you dont seem to make grammatical errors.

[Fist Gamet]

dundrakil@hotmail.com - send it along and I will have a read, mate.

[Yellow]

Would a rar file do? I'll see if I can find winzip...

Less than 400K, eh? You'll be missing out on my wonderful maps

Email on it's way to you too (I'll put the link in it again, like for the others).

Cheers DiB

[Yellow]

I sent it you last night, but it might have cocked-up (I was pretty drunk), so I've resent to you

@Gamet - are you missing it too?

[Fist Gamet]

No, downloaded and opened perfectly. Nice maps, btw

[Cause]

cause.cause@gmail.com. If its only three chapters I try get some feedback for you soon.