[Raraku]

and some more

How can you tell if your date really digs oral sex?
She hikes up her skirt every time you yawn.




Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.



Two guys get stuck on a desert island.They are soon caught by the natives
and brought to a village and put before the cheif.He says to the first
guy,"As punishment for tresspassing I give you a choice, death or Ru Ru".Not
wanting to die he picks Ru Ru.He is then beaten
and buggered to unconciousness right in front of his friend.The 2nd guywhen
asks says "I'd rather die than suffer that ". The chief says "Great,death it
is,death by Ru Ru"!!!



A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle
nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber
being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is
the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are
manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait
a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss,
hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"



I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar
looking for me and I asked for her number.




Good News, Bad News, Worse News
Good:
Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad:
You can't find your birth control pills
Worse:
Your daughter borrowed them

[Raraku]

and some more

Useful Phrases to Know When Travelling in the Middle East



AKBAR KHALI_KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL ORADAN DAVAT PAEH CUSH DIVAR
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor
with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk
of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN
If you will do me the kindness of not harming by genitel appendages I will
gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN
The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.

TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must
have the recipe.



Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A tea bag.




A blonde goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer decides to start with the basics.
'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?'
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for
about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'
The interviewer tries another straightforward one
to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height,
please?'
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring
tape from her handbag. She then traps one end
under her foot and extends the tape to the top of
her head. She checks the measurement and announces,
'Five foot two!'
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for
the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our
records, your name please?'
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about
twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself,
before replying, 'Mandy!'
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so
he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand
your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and
the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what
were you doing when we asked you your name?'
'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running
through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''




What do a meteorologist in a snowstorm
and a woman's sex life have in common?
They're both concerned with how many
inches and how long it will last.




What does the band now play when Clinton enters the room?
Kneel to the Chief!

For all the feminists and people who will take offence .... please don't read the next one.

Why do female parachutists wear tampons?
So they don't whistle on the way down..

[Illuyankas]

Frankie Boyle is the funniest guy alive.

"I lost my virginity to my mother's best friend.

My father.

It was the only time he ever said he loved me."

[Raraku]

and some more

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride
if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will
never open. The bride agrees.
After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has
been left ajar. She peeks in and sees 3 golf balls and $6,000.
She confronts her mate with her findings, and asks for an
explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you,
I put a golf ball in the drawer."
She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad. But what about the
$6,000? He explains "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls,
I sold 'em!"



Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.



A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's
couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an
actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary
and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a
sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs
to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful
breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll
give it a try!"




A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession:
"Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and
told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said
that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates."
"BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years he told me it was
Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it."




"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance
Company."
"Would you spell that, please?"
"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye.
W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."
The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with
my supervisor . . ."



Three little old ladies, sitting on a park bench.
The town flasher comes by and shows them his ALL!
The first little old lady had a huge stroke. The second little old lady had a little stroke.
The third little old lady would have had a stroke................but her arms weren't quite long enough.

[Giles]

Quote

"Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance
Company."
"Would you spell that, please?"
"Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye.
W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."
The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with
my supervisor . . ."

see now im wondering how C as in sea works :eek:

[DarkGothicGirl]

The Blonde at The BCS Championship

Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde to her first football game last night. They had great seats right behind LSU team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. 'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.' Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?' 'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

[DarkGothicGirl]

The plane is on its way to houston when a blonde in
economy class got up and moved to the first class
section and sat down.

The flight attendant watched her do this, and asked to
see her ticket.

She then told the blonde that she paid for economy
class and that she would have to return and sit in the
economy section in back.

The blonde replied, 'i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm
going to houston, and i'm staying right here.'

the flight attendant went back to the cockpit and told
the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde
sitting in first class who belongs in economy and
won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot went back to the blonde and tried to
explain that because she only paid for economy, she
would have to leave first class and return to her
proper seat.

The blonde replied, 'i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i' m
going to houston, and i'm staying right here.'

the co-pilot returned and told the pilot that he
probably should have the police waiting when they
land, to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to
reason.

The pilot said, 'you say she is a blonde? I'll handle
this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde.'

he goes back to the blonde and whispered in her ear,
and she said, 'oh, i'm sorry.' and she got up and went
back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked
what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, 'first class isn't going to houston.'

[Flawed]

Its been a while.....Ahem:

Q: What kind of book would a car write?
A: An Autobiography.

Q: Why did the magazine editor go see a shrink?
A: He had some issues.

Q: Why did the casino's blackjack person go see a shrink?
A: He couldn't deal with it anymore.

Q: What part of the fish weighs the most?
A: The scales.

Q: What kind of dog can tell time?
A: A watchdog.

Q: What does a Triceratops sit on?
A: It's Tricera-bottom.

Q: What do snakes put on their kitchen floors?
A: Rep-tiles.

Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It overswept.

Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctors?
A: He was feeling a little crummy.

Q: How do you cut a wave?
A: With a sea saw.

Q: Where do sheep go for haircuts?
A: The baa-baa shop!

Q: What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?
A: Lost.

[Flawed]

Ahem....

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the wardrobe!" and she pushed him into the wardrobe, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the wardrobe.

"Who are you?" he asked. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" asked the husband. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" the husband asked.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little buggers!"

-----

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted. After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.

The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turned to the other Brother and says, "then you must be ..... ?"

"Yes, I'm the chip monk."

[Raraku]

i know its been a while but anyway
heres some more


Why did the Avon lady walk funny?

Her lipstick.



What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma?
When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.



A ventriloquist working down South, is confronted by a
theater patron during his show. The hick stands up and
yells, "HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass
remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long!
We're not all stupid ya know!"

"Relax," said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"

"Shut up, buddy," the hick replied, "I'm talking to that
little bastard sitting on your knee!"




A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs.
The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to declare?"
He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!"



An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and
famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading:
"George and the Dragon."
He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?"
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least use your privvy?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"



Did you hear about the woman who has five legs?


Her knickers fit her like a glove!

[Slum]

Q: Why didn’t Barbie ever get pregnant?

A: Because Ken came in a different box.

----------------------------------


A top aide to President Bush rushes into the oval office. "Mr. President, I have some good news and some bad news."

President Bush asks to have the bad news first. The aide replies that at 1:00 A.M. in the morning space aliens landed in Washington D.C.

"What's the good news?" the president then asks.

The aide then says, "They know where Osama bin Laden is hiding … and they piss oil!"
----------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did the blonde get excited after finishing the jigsaw puzzle in six months?

A: Because the box said, “4 to 6 years.”

--------------------------------------

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat, and a wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.

Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”

The woman turns, smiles and says, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.”

The man swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she says. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really,” he says. “What myths are those?”

“Well,” she explains, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it’s men of Jewish decent.”

Suddenly, the women becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I'm sorry,” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!”

“Tonto” the man says as he extends his hand. “Tonto Goldstein.”

--------------------------------------

One day in the locker room, Bob sees a fat man with a cork in his ass. Curious, he asks the man how it got there.

"Well," says the man, "I was walking along the beach when I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke and this great big guy in a turban came oozing out, saying, ‘I am a genie. I can grant you one wish.’ And I said, ‘No shit!’"
----------------------------------------------------------

[Flawed]

Ahem........

Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned.

Q: What starts with T ends with T and is filled with T?
A: A teapot.

Q: What kind of book would a car write?
A: An Autobiography.

Q: What do you get when you cross a skunk with a boomerang?
A: A smell you can't get rid of.

Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: "Don't worry, I've got you covered!"

Q: What happens when a cat eats a lemon?
A: It becomes a sourpuss.

[Flawed]

Ahem.......

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew into his window.

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"

"I'm out of gas," the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into the gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed, "What did you put in my gas tank?"

The bee answered, "BP!"

-----

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?!"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to was your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely .....

..... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?"

[Slum]

Here's a couple from the Bob Saget Roast....

John Stamos walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!"

To which John Stamos replies, "Really? You've got a drink named 'Secret Fag'?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------


The Olsen Twins walk into a bar and ask the bartender to make them both an asshurts.

"Umm, I'm not sure what that is," says the bartender. "How do you make it?"

The Olsen twins shrug, and then one of them says, "Well, first Bob Saget gives you a chocolate milk, and then, 3 hours later, you wake up facedown on the bed and your ass hurts."

[Flawed]

Ahem......

Q: What do you call little bugs that live on the moon?
A: Luna-ticks!

Q: What did one pregnant doe say to the other?
A: Time flies when you're having fawn.

Q: What do stylish frogs wear?
A: Jumpsuits.

Q: What bird is the best weightlifter?
A: A Crane.

Q: What board game does a cat play?
A: Trivial Purr-suit.

Q: What did the spider do on the computer?
A: It made a website.

Q: Why did the idiot take a ladder into the bar?
A: He heard the drinks were on the house.

Q: What goes "ooo, oooo, oooo?"
A: A cow with no lips.

Q: Why was the little ink drop crying?
A: Because his father was in the pen and he didn't know how long his sentence was going to be.

Q: Why are fish so smart?
A: Because they live in schools.

Q: Did you hear about hte new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A: It's called Sosumi!

[Adjutant Stormy~]

Classic, or, depending on your sensibilities, terrible. As I remember it imperfectly.

A priest, a rabbi, and an irishman die in a horrible bus crash, and get to the pearly gates to meet saint peter.
He says "Now You've all been men of excellent faith in life, and that bus crash sucked so badly I'm going to give you all another chance. BUT you must resist your greatest sin in life, else you'll go straight to hell."
Eager to get back, the men all agree.
"Priest, you must think no impure thoughts of sodomy. Rabbi, no greed. Irishman, no booze."

So they pop back to earth, and they stop in the nearest pub. In haste, the irishman throws all his money on the counter which scatters everywhere, and orders a stiff drink. He takes one sip and poof! The rabbi, noticing all the money about, bends over to pick it up, and poof! The priest disappears.

[Flawed]

I aplogies iin advance for the tree one.............Ahem!

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Tony, do you have a story to share?" asked the teacher.

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking!"

-----

We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street. He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried to stop him by yelling, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up the wrong tree!".

[Flawed]

Ahem.........

Q: Did you hear about the unique platypus?
A: He was unlike all the otters.

Q: What did the Cardiologist diagnose his patient with after seeing a tortoise in his X-Ray?
A: A turtle eclipse of the heart.

Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: "I think I'm coming down with something."

Q: What songs do the planets sing?
A: Neptunes.

Q: How do you make a walnut laugh?
A: You crack it up.

Q: Where do rabbits go after they get married?
A: On Bunnymoon!

-----

A very small female janitor (4'1022, 90 pounds) worked at an amusement park and was told to go out and sweep up the grounds. As she was getting ready to head out to clean up, her supervisor noticed her putting rocks in her pockets.

When asked what she was doing, she pointed out that it was so windy out she was afraid of getting knocked over by the wind.

"So," she said, "now I weigh me down to sweep."

-----

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable when all of a sudden ....

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet."

"Si, Luis. Eet smells like bacon to meee."

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there in the distance is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ..... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. Eees a bacon tree."

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget."

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon ..... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe ..... go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree."

"Luis, Luis mi amigo ..... what ees it?"

"Pepe ..... ees not a bacon tree .....


Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees a Ham Bush"

[Flawed]

Ahem.....

Q: What do potatoes wear to bed?
A: Their yammies.

Q: How can you get four suits for a pound?
A: Buy a deck of cards.

Q: Why can't the leopard hide?
A: Because he's always spotted.

Q: What do you call a scared dinosaur?
A: A nervous Rex.

Q: What did the squirrel say to his girlfriend?
A: I'm nuts about you.

Q: What is a cow's favourite holiday?
A: Moo Year's Day.

Q: If big elephants have big trunks, what do small elephants have?
A: Suitcases.

Q: What do elves learn at school?
A: The elf-abet.

Q: What are plumbers favourite shoes?
A: Clogs.

-----

Two guys are being chased by a bear when one stops to put his trainers on. The other guy yells, "You idiot, you can't outrun a bear." The first guy gasps, "I don't have to - I just have to outrun you."

-----

A Psychology professor was giving a lecture on Bi-Polar Disorder.

"Let us establish some parameters," he said. "Now then, Bennett, what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," replied Bennett.

"And the opposite of depression, Ms Buston?"

"Elation, sir."

"And you, Thomas. How about the opposite of woe?"

"I believe that would be giddy-up, sir."

-----

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy. So Gomer (who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket) went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" Gomer replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, and then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant, "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

[Flawed]

Possibly all the contestants are from Dorset?:

Ahem.......

Quiz show questions and answers

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant : Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant : Paris .

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant : I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . ...
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM P HONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER.ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle : I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er .... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus