[Raraku]

and some more



A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into
specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs
onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy
is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.
I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.
If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in
and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."
The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He
did??!"
The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
on her breasts."
The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."




Q: Why is a violist like a terrorist?
A: They both fuck up bowings.




Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.




Did you hear about that guy who was asked to be a Jehovah's witness?

- He refused becuase he hadn't seen the accident.





Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over, "So... out looking for a little, huh ?" She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. I'm out looking for a lot !!!"

[Grief]

Raraku;351803 said:

Q: Why is a violist like a terrorist?
A: They both fuck up bowings.

More importantly, can they spell? Not wishing to be a pedantic bear or anything...

[Raraku]

Good point but i ve seen your post on the Pedantic Bear thread and i know you are pedantic.
hehehehe

[Grief]

[Raraku]

and some more



What is the difference between boogers and spinach?
You can't get your kids to eat spinach.




Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit
in a boat and drink beer all day.




This aussie caught this Kiwi having a bit of fun with a sheep.....
"Mate", the aussie said, "Over there we shear them".
The kiwi replied, "Mate, I'm not shearing this with innyone"




Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone
who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two
weeks leave in which to get married.
"But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get
married then ?"
"What and ruin my vacation ?" she whined.




The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day
someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter
words for me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All
evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."



How do you change a blonde's mind?
Blow in her ear.

[Sparkimus]

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I have to stop wanking it. When I asked why she said, “Because I’m trying to examine you!”

[Tremolo]

In 1988, Bubba was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Moonshine University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Bubba approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Bubba worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Bubba stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Bubba never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Bubba was walking through a North American zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Bubba and his son Bubba Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Bubba, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Bubba couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Bubba summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Bubba's legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Giles]

good but i have to wonder who peter is..?

[Raraku]

vBulletin Message
You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Tremolo again. cruel but deserves rep:D

and some more



As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's
stunning, blonde staffers was transferred to an obscure base in
Utah.
The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and
handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, "Well
Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your
last assignment."
The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will it
be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?"



"The Seven Dwarfs were all in bed feeling Happy-then he got out of bed
so they felt Grumpy instead....."




Paddy Murphy had just returned to Ireland from a holiday in Australia.
His mate asked him what it was like.
"Australia's a great place!" Paddy replied. "First they take you home
and fill you so full of piss you can't stand up. Then, to top it off, they
let you fuck their women whenever you want."
"Is that right?" said his mate very impressed. "I always heard Australians
were real pricks."
"Well," said Paddy, "Only the white ones!"



Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything!




On the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided
to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home.
Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the
bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by
candlelight.
When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that
expensive champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into the
empty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a
half-bottle too much.
He screamed to his wife, "Linda-Sue, you NASTY BITCH, you DIDN'T?!?"




A man is giving evidence in court and the defendant's barrister asks him "How far from the accident were you when it happened?"
He replied "36 feet, 2 and a quarter inches"
"Nonsense how can you be so precise"
"Well I knew some bloody fool would ask me so I measured it."

[Tremolo]

baudin;355210 said:

good but i have to wonder who peter is..?

Fixed

@Raraku: Cheers

[Pallol One Eye]

A Woman goes in to a pet store and is so impressed by the talking parrot that she decides to buy it, but wonders at the cheap $30 price. The pet store owner warns her that its cheap because it used to live in a brothel.

The woman takes the parrot home. And sets the cage up in the living room.

The following day when she gets up and comes down stairs the parrot say's "New home, New Mistress". The woman thinks well that wasn't to bad.

The daughter comes down for breakfast and the parrot says, "Nice, New talent". I guess that's OK too she thinks.

5 minutes later her husband comes down stairs and the parrot says "Hi Pete!"

[Obdigore]

I'm sure you have all heard this before, but I love it:

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ...
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.

[Raraku]

and some more


The strong young man at the construction site was bragging
that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a
special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After
several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a
wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to
wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you
got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right.
Get in."



Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched
backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One
thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows
when to stop."



Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her
husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of
pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be
'satisfied.'
The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that
evening. That night they made out.
The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they
really got it on.
The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.
A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The
woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was
doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my asshole
hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty,
kitty.'"



There was this little boy who went in the whore house with a
dead frog on a leash. He went to the counter and asked the
pimp for a whore with aids, the man knew he was young but the
boy said "please mister, just give me a whore with aids, i
have money thats no problem" the man was like ok "if you have
the money". So the boy went in and fucked the whore and came
out smiling to the man at the counter. The guy didn't understnad
why he was so happy. "its a long story" the boy said. "tell me,
i can wait" the man said. "ok" the boy says "i have
aids now right? well--i'll go home and screw the babysitter...
she'll get aids, then my dad will come home and screw her...
he'll get aids, my dad will screw my mom...she'll get aids.
Then my mom will then screw the milk man
.....and he's the son of a bitch that ran over my frog!"



Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out
that she's pregnant! She is furious. Here just became the senator of
New York and this has happened to her. She gets Bill on the phone and
immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen?
With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How
could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks
pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have
you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams
again, "Did you hear me??!!" Finally she hears Bill's very, very
quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"



Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
(No connection to the Bubba on the forums, or maybe............)

[Darkwatch]

What's the difference between your pregnant girlfriend and locking your keys in the car?


(Anyone interested in the answer can ask, I'll PM it, as some my find it very offensive.)

[Illuyankas]

Just spoiler it. If they're offended anyway it's their fault for looking.

[Bent]

Darkwatch;358678 said:

What's the difference between your pregnant girlfriend and locking your keys in the car?


(Anyone interested in the answer can ask, I'll PM it, as some my find it very offensive.)

Spoiler

I am guessing something about a coat hanger. But i am twisted like that.

[Illuyankas]

What,

Spoiler

one problem can be solved with a coathanger, the other with a coathanger and FALCON PAUNCH

?

[Obdigore]

I'm thinking its more

Spoiler

If you break the car to fix the problem, you have to pay for it?

or

Spoiler

Which way you send the coat hanger to fix the problem (up or down)

You guys are sick!

[Macros]

now i want to know the official answer, but i'm guessing the gist of it has been suggested.

i was thinking

Spoiler

you cant push you car down the stairs to solve the problem

but i have issues

[bubba]

macros;359328 said:

now i want to know the official answer, but i'm guessing the gist of it has been suggested.

I was thinking

Spoiler

you cant push you car down the stairs to solve the problem

but i have issues

Quote

you have given out too much reputation in the last 24 hours, try again later.

:d:d:d