[Tiste Simeon]

Hahaha, is that a story about our Bubba?

[Macros]

undoubtedly

[Flawed]

Ahem....

an old one but...

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, in October 1995. CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision. CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. CANADIANS: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert your course. AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

[Tremolo]

Tiste Simeon;336939 said:

Hahaha, is that a story about our Bubba?

Similarities in names are just incidental. *looks shifty*

[Lancelot]

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

[Grumble]

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer.

As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!".

Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt".

A little worried, the man decides to play the slot machine.

As he puts a coin in the bandit he hears a harsh voice say, "You ugly c*nt."

Looking around there's still no-one around.

A couple of seconds later the second voice said, "F*ck off you ugly tosser!"

At this, the man called the bartender over.

"Hey...I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices, one saying nice things, and one being really offensive, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"Ah" answered the bartender. "the peanuts...they're complimentary, but the bandit's out of order." :eek:

[Raraku]

and some more


How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know. I havn't find one that could do it yet.



Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and
found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he
asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided
to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the
drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river
(look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr.
Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was
carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously
disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."



Q: How many men does it take to mop the floor?
A: None, it's a women's job



The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game,
she will describe an object and the students will tell her
what she had described.

Teacher: "The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem."
Timmy: " I know what it is, it's an apple."
Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking."
"OK the next item is round, has a peel, and you eat it."
Christopher: "I know what it is, it's an orange."
Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking."
Johnny: "Can I try, Teacher?"
Teacher: "Yes Johnny, but, Keep it clean!"
Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for a
second, and says "My object is round, hard, and has a head on it."
Teacher: "Alright Johnny, go to the office!"
Johnny: "No Teacher, it's a quarter, but, I like the way you're thinking!"



Isaac and Hymie were two tired Brooklyn businessmen who were ordered to take a Caribbean cruise by their doctors. The second night out on the way to Martinique they were leaning against the rail, looking at the big bright tropical moon on the sea, really starting to unwind.
Suddenly the rail broke and both Jews fell screaming into the ocean. They came up gasping and spluttering and saw the ship sailing away from them into the darkness. As Isaac had fallen overboard he had managed to grab a life preserver, and now he clung to it, desperately treading water. "Hyman!" he called out, "Hyman, can you float alone?"

"Oy vay!" called out Hymie from the dark waters. "what a time to talk business!"



Dear Abby:

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue.
He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him.
This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat.
I don't know what to do.

Signed Frustrated
----------------

Dear Frustrated:

You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.

[Flawed]

Q: What's a King's favourite clothing?
A: A reign coat.

Q: Where does your nose go when it gets hungry?
A: To Booger King!!

Q: What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A: A walkie talkie!

Q: Why do teachers wear dark glasses?
A: Because their pupils are so bright.

Q: When do cannibals leave the table?
A: When everyone's eaten.

Q: What does a proud computer call his little son?
A: A microchip off the old block.

Q: What happens if you cross a dwarf with a computer?
A: You get a short circuit.

Q: What's a flea's favourite way to travel?
A: Itch-hiking.

Q: Why is perfume so obedient?
A: Because it's scent everywhere it goes.

Q: What happened when the wheel was invented?
A: It caused a revolution.

Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So he wouldn't wake the sleeping pills.

-----

An old man and his wife were going to the doctor because the old man had to get a check up. When they got to the doctor's office the doctor said to the old man, "I need your urine sample."

"What .... what ....?" replied the old man.

"He needs your underwear" said the old man's wife.

-----

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good Heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it has been," he spluttered. "What is it now?"

[Raraku]

and some more



On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped
in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the
parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and
forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the
parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you
bitch!"

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still
no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's
approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now,bitch,
or I'll give you a slap."

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown
out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards
the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a
lippy bastard!"



What is old, wrinkled, and hangs out your underwear?

Your Mother...




Barry took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a
secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no
to everything."
"Well," Barry said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
"No," the girl replied.
"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"N-n-no," the girl replied.
"You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lotta fun if you're on the
level about this."




A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there,
he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said
Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long
line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the
executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the
guard replied.
"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"
"The same exact thing," the guard answered.
"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"
"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"




This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."




Two nuns are riding a bike down a road and the first nun says, "I`ve never come this way before!" and the second nun says, "Oh, it must be the cobblestone!"

[Tiste Simeon]

Raraku;340282 said:

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there,
he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said
Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long
line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the
executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the
guard replied.
"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"
"The same exact thing," the guard answered.
"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"
"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"

You need to tell this one to Gothos.

[Raraku]

and some more



Q: What's got 400 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row of a Hanson concert




Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a
poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.
The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"
The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well.
I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick
so he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"
The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high
strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I
even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been
happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought
me here to be put to sleep."
The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.
The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday
she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick
up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over
and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I
couldn't help myself. "
The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"
"Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."





Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell.
She immediately called Saint Peter and said,

"This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!"

She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on
it. The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him
again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged.

"There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!"

"Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning
Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up
the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.

He heard the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"





Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?

To get away from the noise.




A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on
the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa,
what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he
asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here
with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"



There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.

"Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks.

"When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied.
"Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.
"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."

[Raraku]

and some more


For their 25th wedding anniversary, a man decides to take his
wife on a trip to France. After two weeks touring France, they
return to the airport for the trip back to America. While waiting
for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, "This was
the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our 25th
anniversary. I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for our
50th anniversary!" Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the
cheek, and said, "I'm going to come back and get you"



Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about
going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you
young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust
me: these are closely related to college.)

College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly
two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand
hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time
sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

* Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These
include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and
crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.

* Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology,
- - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these
things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them.
If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay
in college for the rest of your life.

It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was
in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of
three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to
forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were
named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember
something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed
in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in
my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of
brain cells.

After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to
choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and
forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of
advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts
and Right Answers.

This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology,
or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for
example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class
one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of
the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result
to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly*
the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of
chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen
combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to
come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have
agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy,
psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really
understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve
virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these
subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:

ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have
read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to
get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a
book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example,
suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense
would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters
in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand
times. So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the
Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of
reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are
enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic
interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and
deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch.
You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams.
Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an
entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain
sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat
learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor.
If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats,
you should major in psychology.

SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and
away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of
sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never
once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because
sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of
their time translating simple, obvious observations into
scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll
have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have
observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write:
"Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies
of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists
between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior
forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will
get a large government grant.



This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks
in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the
man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the
service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a
Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man
some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the
gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained
Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then
cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs
on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service
guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the
Chihuahua."




A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman.
He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, Miss?"
"Don't Miss me, mister."
"Well then, you better make it 13."


Also for some reason i feel like doing this:
Repして下さい。お願いします。
कृपया मुझ Rep देना
Translation plz give rep
i did this cause i wanted to show that i can write using 3 different scripts ........ i think

[Pallol One Eye]

George Bush Dies and goes to hell.
Lucifer askes him to pick a room that he will spend eternity in.

The first room has a man standing there being set on fire by imps. That looks painfull thinks George.
The second room has Abyss sitting in there being forced to read Terry Goodkind till his eyes bleed. I don't like the look of that either muses George.
The third room has a naked Bill Clinton lying on the floor with Monica Lewinsky doing what she's most famous for.
"Lucifer, I will take this room" says George excitedly thinking Hell ain't a Bad place to Be.
"Ok......Monica, you can leave now" says Lucifer

[Raraku]

and some more


A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years.
They had the following conversation:
Dr.: Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water.
Woman: Ok.
Dr: Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.
Woman: Ok.
Dr.: Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.
After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me
what's wrong with me Dr.?
Dr.: Yeah. You do not drink enough water.



Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not!
Boy: Good, cause I didn't do my homework!




Q: WHY ARE BLONDES SO EASY TO GET INTO BED?
A: Who cares?




A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once
Upon A Time?"
And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin
with 'If Elected I promise...'"




David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to
show him a trick.
"I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife
Claudia and a table."
"Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.
He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts
fucking her from behind. David is now very pissed off and says,
"That isn't a trick!!!"
The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies,
"I know, it's fucking magic."




A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-
natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

[Flawed]

Ahem.....................

Q: How do you organise a party in outer space?
A: You Planet.

Q: What happens to a frog with too many parking tickets?
A: It gets toad.

Q: What rock group have four men that don't sing?
A: Mount Rushmore.

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a swimming pool?
A: Bob.

Q: What would happen if Satan lost his hair?
A: There would be hell toupee.

Q: What did Sherlock Holmes tell his sidekick upon discovering a tree producing sour fruit?
A: A Lemon Tree, my dear Watson.

Q: What's a bee's favourite song?
A: Stinging in the rain.

-----

There were two old ladies at church. One old lady said, "my butt's asleep." The other old lady said, "yeah, I know, I heard it snore three times."

-----

When Arnold Schwarzenegger was a child, he made his acting debut in his elementary school production, "Music Makers."

One day the teacher went around the room asking the students to choose a famous composer to portray in the school play. The first child chose Mozart, the next wanted to be Beethoven, etc.

When the teacher asked little Arnie what his choice was, he said "I'll be Bach."

[Raraku]

sorry was out for a bit
anyway heres some more enjoy and dont forget to tip hehe:D



Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married.
I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to
wear."
The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."




Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the
court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor,
"You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the
best legal advice you can."
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked
where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him
good advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him to
split."




A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster
for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster
and says "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."
The old rooster says "You can't handle all these chickens....look at
what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this.
Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a
hike."
The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens
over in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking
over!"
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young
rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken
coop."
The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, just
to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."
They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!"
and the old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.
They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only
about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on,
grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits.
He sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought
this week!"




What did one of the blonde's legs say to the other one?

Between you and me we could make a lot of money!




The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman
couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the
room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at
her.
When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a
. . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me
you'll keep it a secret."
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind
of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind,
decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A
certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "
The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"
"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the
door . . ."
"Yes yes!"
"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"





A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically. He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a monkey. What an ugly kid." The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing uncontrollably. The conductor sees her and comes over to her to console her. He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey."

[Grief]

300 blondes are going to work. They all walk into the same building. "OUCH!"
You would think one of them would notice it.

A woman leaves her house to go to work one day, so she gets into her red car and drives off. A few hours later her husband sees a newsflash on the TV, about someone driving the wrong way down the motorway, and hes quite worried, cause its the same road his wife uses, so, knowing its wrong, decides to phone her.
Man: Watch out, theres someone driving the wrong way down the motorway.
Woman:Theres not just one, theres bloody thousands of them!

Three explorers are out exploring the jungle one day and they get captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are told they will be set free, if the can pass two tests. They all accept the deal. The first task is to collect ten of the same type fruit. So they all set out, followed by a cannibal so they dont run off.
After around 10 minutes the first guy comes back with 10 apples. They explain that the second task is to have them all shoved up his ass, and he can go free if he shows no emotion. After 5 apples he cries out in pain. He gets eaten.
The second man comes back with 10 berries. They tell him the same thing. One berry, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine berries. But then he bursts out laughing.
The first two men meet in heaven.
First man: You were doing so well, why did you laugh.
Second man: I couldn't help it, I saw the third man coming along the path with a bunch of pineapples.

[Grief]

A guy with teretz walks into a bar.
Barmaid: What to you want
Guy: I wanna...pour cream all over you and lick it off!
Barmaid: WHAT! How dare you, im gonna get my boyfriend.
Guy:Wait sorry, ive got teretz.
Barmaid: Ok, try again
Guy: I want...to bend you over and fuck you from behind.
Barmaid: RIGHT! Last chance before I go get my boyfriend.
Guy: Ok. Ill have a stella...So I can pour it down you and drink it out.
Barmaid:Thats it im getting him.

So she goes upstairs.

Girl:Theres this guy downstairs wanting to put cream on me and lick it off.
Boyfriend:WHAT(and he is MASSIVE, like the hulk)
Girl:yeah, thats not all, he says he wants to bend me over and fuck me from behind.
Boyfriend:I'M GONNA KILL HIM
Girl:Thats not all, he says he wants to pour stella into me and drink it out.

The boyfriend sits down and starts shaking.
Girl:What is it.
Boyfriend:Are you mad! I'm not messing with a guy who can drink 20 litres of stella.

[Sparkimus]

Well it's impossible to know if this one is already out there but here you go


After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

[Grief]

A mans kids have finally persuaded him to get them a pet, so he says they can have whatever they want from a pet store. They choose a parrot, and just as they're leaving the owner tells them to watch out, cause the parrots just got out of a mental asylum. So they take it home, and put it in a cage.
The little boy goes up to iy and it shouts "Who the hell are you, ya bastard"
The little girl goes up to it and it shouts "Who the hell are you, bitch"
They tell the dad and he goes to sort it out.
So the dads walking up to it and it says "A'right George"

Theres three men standing on the eiffel tower, and theyre all drunk.
Man 1: I bet I can jump off, fly around the tower 3 times, and get back up without getting hurt.
Man 2: Ok, go.
So the guy jumps off, flies round 3 times, and climbs back, then claimms his fiver.
Man 2: Wow. How the hell did you do that?
Man 1: Oh, its simple really, anyone can do it.
Man 2: Ok, I bet I can do it too.
So the second man jumps off, and falls screaming to his grisly end.
Man 3: Superman. You're a right bastard when you're pissed.