[Aptorian]

I laughed but I suggest you edit that before a mod see's it and deletes stuff... or profiles

[Hume]

Lancelot;217562 said:

"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Christian Fundamentalist Priest, a couple of sheep for the Kiwi's, a Collingwood supporter, and anything American"

Corrected...

[Lancelot]

Ahhh My bad!!!.......Cheers Hume!

[Hume]

ummm..

I'm not a Mod anymore. So I haven't actually edited your post..
Just claryfing for you.

[Lancelot]

er.. I know!

[Hume]

Lol!

Now my Quote's more offensive Not that I plan on changing it;)

[Flawed]

What did the Seagul say to the other Seagul????
.
.
.
.
SQUARK!!!!

[Tremolo]

Did you just make that one up, Flawy?

[Flawed]

Yep

If you read back on most of mine they are made up. I unfortunately find myself rather amusing as well as quite Handsome.

Someones got to!

[Lancelot]

MORNING SEX
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,

'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,

'Thanks,'
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,

'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.

[Tremolo]

You can't boil an egg in 15 seconds...

[Crutie]

I'm not sure if it's been posted or not, but anyhoo:

2 men are sitting having lunch one day. One says to the other and says "Man, I had the worst Freudian slip the other day. My wife and I were at the breakfast table and instead of asking "Could you pass the bread, dear?" I asked "Could you pass the breast, dear?""

The other guy replies "Man - I know what you mean! The other day my wife and I were having breakfast and instead of saying "Could you pass me the butter, dear?" I said "You stupid fucking bitch, you've ruined my life!"

[Shryval]

Some more Malazanic jokes:

A traveller on the Path of Hands walkes into a fish shop, points at the last fish on the counter and says "Excuse me, is this sole taken?"

Apparenly Quick Bens house is subsiding because Rabbit's have burrowed too many holes beneath the foundations. The structural engineer said "We've never seen a mage with so many Warrens"

Why did Letherii baggage handlers go on strike at the airport? Because they worship the empty hold.

What do you call 3 ascendants in a tent? The Tripled God.

What do Soletaken tigers do at Halloween? Trick or Treach.

Why does nobody wants to play the Malazan football team? Coz they're full of D'ivers.

[Menandore]

Financial Alert!

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock BS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

[Tremolo]

Funny, very funny GA

[chill]

What's the easiest way to knock out an ostrich?
...
...
...
Scare him while he's standing on concrete.



What's the easiest way to knock out a rabbit?

1. Obtain a carrot, a brick and some pepper.
2. Apply the pepper on the carrot and then place the carrot upon the brick.
3. The rabbit will come and start eating the carrot.
4. The pepper applied to the carrot will make the rabbit sneeze.
5. As the rabbit sneezes, he will hit the brick with his head.

Try it at home:D

[Shurque's biatch]

Boss is sitting in his office and his secretary/admin assitant/politically correct term for woman in charge that sits outside "da man's" office.

She says "T. G. I. F." smiling. The man says "S. H. I. T."

Frowning she says "there is no need to be rude I was just using an acronym, thank.."

He interupts and says "I know so was I, Sorry Honey It's Thursday"

[Hume]

What does the Army and a Blowjob have in Common?

The closer you get to Discharge the better it feels

[Hume]

Q: Having trouble understanding why the market isn’t falling?

A: Equity cheat-sheet:

weak data = Fed ease, stocks rally
consensus data = lower volatility, stocks rally
strong data = economy strengthening, stocks rally
bank loses $4bln = bad news out of the way, stocks rally
oil spikes = great for energy companies, stocks rally
oil drops = great for the consumer, stocks rally
dollar plunges = great for multinationals, stocks rally
dollar spikes = lowers inflation, stocks rally
inflation spikes = will inflate all assets, stocks rally
inflation drops = improves earnings quality, stocks rally

[Lancelot]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem ?"



Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too !"



Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.



Principal : "What is 3 x 3 ?"



Harry : "9."



Principal : "What is6 x 6 ?"



Harry : "36."


And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,"I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."



Ms. Brooks says to the principal," Let me ask him some questions."



The principal and Harry both agreed.



Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?"



Harry, after a moment: "Legs."



Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?"



The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !



Harry replied : "Pockets."



Ms. Brooks : "What does a dog do that a man steps into ?"



Harry : "Pants."



Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?"



Harry : " Coconut."


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks :" What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky ?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."



Ms. Brooks : "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs ?"



Harry : "Shake hands."



The principal was trembling.



Ms. Brooks : "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in ' K' that means a lot of heat and excitement ?"



Harry : "Fire truck."



The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher," Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....."