[Flawed]

Q: What are cow hides used for?
.
.

A: To hold the cows together.

[Illuyankas]

"Excuse me, do you have an immovable place to stand? Because I have a lever of sufficient length, if you know what I mean. And I'd like to make you feel the earth move."

~ Philosopher pickup line

[Flawed]

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

[Flawed]

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

A: "The elephants are coming over the hill."

Genius!!!!

[Grumble]

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, - "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"

[Flawed]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?," they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[Shiara]

3 young blokes having a beer in a pub...an old drunk walks in...walks up to one of the young guys and says...your mum is the best lay in town....the young guy starts to stand up...then changes his mind and goes back to drinking..the old bloke ...walks off...10 minutes later the old bloke is back again...points to the same young guy and says.....your mother has the tightest p***y in this town....young bloke starts to get up.....then he sits back down and the old bloke walks off.....10 minutes later the old bloke is back and staggering....he says....to the same young guy....your mother loves it up the a** and is the hottest root for miles....the same bloke gets up and is really annoyed...and says...for gods sake dad....go home.



A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system. ''As soon as I clock off'' he said, ''I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the a** off that blonde flight attendant.'' The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle. A little old lady sitting there whispered, ''There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first.''


A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question"


A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you. The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"


A man's reading the paper and sees a weight loss ad that's guaranteed and thinks whats he got to lose so he rings the number. A week later a hot chick turns up at his door wearing only joggers and says, " if u catch me, u can have me and runs off". after 20 mins he catches her, and has mad passionate sex.having lost 5 Kgs he goes home happy. A week goes by and an even hotter woman turns up, naked except joggers and says " if u catch me, I'm yours" after an hour of sprinting he catches her and has his way with her. again he's a happy man having lost 10 more kilos. another week later Tara Reid turns up at his door wearing only runners an says "if u catch me, I'm yours", and sprints off. after 2 hours he catches her and bones her. having lost 15kg he can't wait till his next weight loss session. a week later his door bell rings, and a naked man is standing there and says "if i catch you, your mine"

[Illuyankas]

That would work better if Tara Reid didn't have hideous Frankennipples, but still...

But still I have to spread more rep before berepping you again. Oh well.

[Shiara]

Illuyankas;224103 said:

That would work better if Tara Reid didn't have hideous Frankennipples, but still...

But still I have to spread more rep before berepping you again. Oh well.

I copy and pasted most of those jokes - I wouldn't have picked Tara Reid anyway, she's skanky and weird-looking...though I suppose that works in this context

[Flawed]

How many rotten eggs does it take to make a stink bomb?


A phew!

[Bent]

Little Billy is a real mean kid...always missing school, yelling at his teachers, just pure mean. Little Billy tells his mother that his birthday is coming up and he wants a new red bicycle. His mother knows he's been bad all year, and she really can't afford that bicycle, so she tells him to go up to his room...write a letter to God, and ask God to provide them with enough money to get him that bicycle, kind of like Santa.

Little Billy runs upstairs to his room, grabs a pen and paper, and writes "Dear God, I have been very nice this year...Please give me a new bicycle for my birthday". He sits there for a minute, stares at the paper and thinks "God will know i'm lying", wads up the paper and throws it away.

He gets out a new sheet of paper and writes"Dear God, I PROMISE to be real good next year, if only you'll give me a new bicycle for my birthday". He sits there again, staring at the paper and thinks "God will know i'm lying", wads up the paper and throws it away.

Little Billy gets up, puts on his jacket, walks downstairs and tells his mom he's going to the church up the street. He goes to the church walks in and kneels at the alter. Looking around he sees a statuette of the virgin mary beside the alter. He looks around, grabs the statue, puts it in his jacket pocket, and runs home.

He runs upstairs, gets a new piece of paper and writes " Dear God, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, you'll get me my bicycle!"

[Flawed]

Ahem...........

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what?

A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

[Flawed]

Ahem........

A woman had identical twins and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain and they named him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responded, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[Aptorian]

Flawed;225329 said:

Ahem........

A woman had identical twins and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain and they named him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responded, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

To quote some bash.org user: One day I will invent a program that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet. I will be a millionaire.

[Flawed]

Aptorian;225332 said:

To quote some bash.org user: One day I will invent a program that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet. I will be a millionaire.

Very sharp, i get your point

[Aptorian]

Flawed;225336 said:

Very sharp, i get your point

It's a good thing you're handsome 'cause your taste in jokes is... flawed.

I declare there is not enough pun in this thread.

[Flawed]

Aptorian;225338 said:

It's a good thing you're handsome 'cause your taste in jokes is... flawed.

I declare there is not enough pun in this thread.

Exactly what my misses says. Well she says, " its a good job your handsome because you're sh!t! in bed!! "

Horrid woman

And now your at it. Im feeling bullied.

[Sir Thursday]

Well Bully for you! [/ancientness]


Sir Thursday

[Flawed]

I apologise in advance Apt:

Ahem..........

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03pm.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

[Flawed]

Ahem!...............

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They have drinks together. The giraffe has one too many and falls over. The barman asks the man, "What's that lying there for?"

The man says, "it's not a lion .....................it's a giraffe."