[Aptorian]

The man said: "You don't know jack shit"
To which the other one replied: "That's not true, I know him well." He then went on to elaborate:

Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children

Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So there.

[Aptorian]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which
created an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath.

Q: This made him.... what?
A: ... a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

wait for it...

[Shurque's biatch]

Geek joke:

How many software engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?






THAT'S A HARDWARE PROBLEM!

[Flawed]

What did the Burger say to the chip?
.
..
...
" Your gonna get eaten! "

[Flawed]

What did the burger say to the chip?
.
.
.
.
Your gonna get eaten!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
My mate at work made this one up. I laughed for about 4 hours. It's peoples faces when they hear it, trying to work it out. There isnt anything to work out. Its funny because it isnt. Genius.

[Tremolo]

It is so tragic because the burger is getting eaten too!

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact,bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the dooragain with the same result-the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you needto move your cat."

[Minterlint]

An American political joke:

President Bush falls asleep one evening in the White House and finds himself surrounded by some of the greatest American Presidents that have ever lived. Not wanting to waste the opportunity, he decided to get some key advice to help make his presidency one of the most memorable.

He first approaches George Washington and ask, "How can I help America with all of the foreign problems facing it today?"

George replies, "Try taking a step back from the world stage and focusing on America's economy, isolating yourself from your foreign problems. That worked pretty well for me."

Bush nods his head thoughtfully, thinking about what the first President said, and accidentally bumps into Franklin Delano Roosevelt. "Hey FDR!" Bush yells. "Just the person I was looking for. I need some help fixing America's internal problems."

"Well, I found it useful to help promote the Arts to revive the American spirit and inspire people to work harder. You could also try talking to the American public on a regular basis to build your public speaking skills and explain your policies more clearly." FDR then leaves into the ether.

Bush stands still with a deeply furrowed brow as a tall, skinny gentleman walks up to him. "Ah, Abraham! How am I ever supposed to follow all this great advice I'm getting, it all seems like it's too much to handle!"

Lincoln pats him on the shoulder and tells him, "It's alright. Why don't you take a break and go to the theater?"

[Aptorian]

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's a trick question - feminists can't change anything!

[Aptorian]

Not really a joke but funny none the less:

Reverse Jesus would blind and cripple random people. And give them leprosy.

Reverse Jesus crucified the entire Roman Empire.

Reverse Jesus makes you die for his sins.

Reverse Jesus can sink in water.

Reverse Jesus can turn wine into water.

Reverse Jesus dares you to stone whores if you're sinner.

Reverse Jesus was born in a cave on Easter and was killed in a shootout on
Christmas eve when three kings finally tracked him down for outstanding debts of gold and spices.

[Lancelot]

Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.


6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Flawed]

Possibly the funniest,but often repeated,story in a long while. This is a
bricklayer’s accident report,which was printed in the newsletter of the
Australian equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation board. This is a true
story. If this guy had died, he would have received a Darwin Award.


Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form.
I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller
explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.


I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident,I was working alone
on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work,I found
that I had some bricks left over which,when weighed later were found to be
slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand,I
decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to
the side of the building on the sixth floor.


Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and
loaded the bricks into it.
Then I went down and untied the rope,holding it tightly to ensure a slow
descent of the bricks.(You will note in Block 11 of the accident report
form that I weigh 135lbs.)


Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of
the third floor,I met the barrel,which was now proceeding downward at an
equally impressive speed.


This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar
bone,as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.


Slowed only slightly,I continued my rapid ascent,not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.


Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to
hold tightly to the rope,in spite of beginning to experience pain. At
approximately the same time,however,the barrel of bricks hit the ground and
the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the
bricks,that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my
weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor,I met the barrel coming up.


This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed
to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks
and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report,
however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks,in pain, unable to move, I
again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I
lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me.


This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.

[Menandore]

Flawed said:

Possibly the funniest,but often repeated,story in a long while. This is a bricklayer’s accident report,which was printed in the newsletter of the
Australian equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation board. This is a true
story. If this guy had died, he would have received a Darwin Award.

No it's not. Mythbusters busted it.

[Tremolo]

Goddess Aurora;211100 said:

No it's not. Mythbusters busted it.

And now Goddess Aurora busted it...

[rlfcl]

What was the motto of the Rastafarian baseball player?

One Glove

[Shiara]

Goddess Aurora;211100 said:

No it's not. Mythbusters busted it.

Didn't hear about Mythbusters busting it, but I have heard an Irish song describing exactly those events...

[q21]

When there's only 4 of you in the music class and the teacher is never there these kind of jokes just seem to happen.

Q: Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
A: It had a fridge stapled to its head.

Q: Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree?
A: It was tied to the first squirrel.

Q: Why did the third squirrel fall out of the tree?
A: He thought it was a game.

Q: Why did the fourth squirrel fall out of the tree?
A: It was a sheep.

Q: Why did the fifth squirrel fall out of the tree?
A: Peer pressure.

Q: Why did the sixth squirrel fall out of the tree?
A: It was feeling left out.

This one line of absurd jokes carried on for a whole 45 minutes lesson.


Q: What's white and blue and swings through the jungle?
A: A fridge with jeans on.

I should stop inflicting really bad jokes on you poor people and go to bed.

[Dolorous Menhir]

That was hilarious, q21.

[q21]

Why thank you.

[lokiman]

A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and ends up in a coma. 6 months later she wakes up notices shes no pregnant.

She calls a docter and cries"Where's my baby?!"

The docter replies "You had twins and there fine.Your brother also came and named them."

"Oh no! not my brother! he's an idiot! What he call the girl?"

"Danise"

"Well thats not a bad name, what about the boy?"

"Danephew"

[lokiman]

Tips to figuring out if your Amish teen is rebelling.

1.Sometimes stays in bed till AFTER 5 am.

2.In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women...without bonnets!

3.Comes to a barn raising in"kiss" make-up.

4.Wears his big black hat backwards.

5.His name is Jebediah, but prefers to go by Jeb Daddy.

6.Says "If I had a radio, i'd listen to rap."

7.You find his stash of colored socks.

8. Says slang like"talk to the hand, because the beard aint listnin."

9. Pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.

10. When you criticise him he yells "Thou sucketh!"