[Lancelot]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.



Well, passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"



So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear ... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"



Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.



The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let's get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.



I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said "That's fine, honey."



She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, to let's go to the cashier."



I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"



I then said, "Honey! I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"







Apparently ... I'm not having sex tonight either.

[Flawed]

Whats pink and Fluffy?
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Pink Fluff!
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Whats Blue and Fluffy?
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Pink Fluff holding its breath!

[Flawed]

GUFFAW!

I went for a job interview as a Blacksmith yesterday,

he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?"


I said "No, but i've told a donkey to f*ck off."

[Flawed]

Todays Joke..............

What time does a Chinese man go to the Dentist?
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Any time he wants to you RACIST!

[Lancelot]

I thought it was Tooth Hurty!!

[Flawed]

Agreed but i thought this one was funnier

[Lancelot]

Whats small and furry and doesnt like sex??











The injured badger in the boot of my car.

[lokiman]

Whats black and white and red all over?









A polar bear eating a penguin!

[Lancelot]

DRAFT HIGHER GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2007


HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

GLASGOW REGION

Name............................................

Nickname.......................................

Gangname....................................


1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for large. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?


2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at £3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single?


3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?


4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?


5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have?

EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief?




EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION

Name...........................................

Rugby Club..................................

Daddy's Company........................


1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?


2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman.. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?


3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?


4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs19 stone?


5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?



HIGHLANDS REGION

Name...................................

Glen....................................

Clan ................................


1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?



2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?



3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?



4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?


Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring .

[Grumble]

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool...


After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.

The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

[Lancelot]

Dunno if VIZ travels but here are some letters!!


Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.
Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.
John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colin Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P, Leeds

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied ' Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
Alun Daniel

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Alan Thakray

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road
Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.
Les, Barnsley

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, e-mail

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.
Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

[Flawed]

A husband says to his wife, "tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time...." wife replies "well you've got a bigger penis than your brother..."

[Aptorian]

Q: What do you call children that are born in whore houses?

A: BROTHEL SPROUTS

[Aptorian]

Q: how do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
A: with a blender.

Q: how do you get them back out?
A: with doritos

I'm sorry I'm a bad bad person

[Illuyankas]

Aptorian;208693 said:

Q: how do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
A: with a blender.

Q: how do you get them back out?
A: with doritos

I'm sorry I'm a bad bad person

Yes, yes you are. I mean, seriously, Doritos? Dude. Have some fucking taste.

[Aptorian]

Illuyankas;208729 said:

Yes, yes you are. I mean, seriously, Doritos? Dude. Have some fucking taste.

Touché, I'll up the anty... Catlovers and people of high moral dont read the next part. Oh, and better put it in spoilers otherwise I think GA might attack... It's not that anything happens it's just the suggestion.

Spoiler

So we a have a masochist, a sadist, a zoophilic, a necrophile, a coprophilic and a fetichist.
They're all in jail. So suddenly, the zoophilic says "Hey guys, lets fucking rape a cat!"
And everybody is like "FUCK YES!", but suddenly, the coprophilic says "After we fuck it, we shit on it!"
Everybody applauds. And the necrophile then says "Then, we kill it. And after that, WE FUCK IT!"
Everybody is highly aroused. The sadist then says "Before we kill it, lets fucking torture it!"
So the fetichist is like "And then, we dildo rape it!"
Everybody is like "YEAH MAN LETS DO IT!"

What does the masochist say then?
"Miau!"

[Saccian]

Heh, it took me a bit to get that one. I had no idea what Miau was supposed to mean.

[Illuyankas]

I always forget different languages have different spellings for different noises. Meow is the traditional version for England. And also the name of Chairman Mao's interdimensional feline counterpart.

[Crutie]

Illuyankas;208961 said:

I always forget different languages have different spellings for different noises. Meow is the traditional version for England. And also the name of Chairman Mao's interdimensional feline counterpart.

I just had an image of "Communist Party of China"-approved Cat Food tins lining the shelves of your local supermarket, all emblazoned with a smiling cartoon face of your friend and mine - Chairman Mao.

The "People's Poultry" and "Socialist Salmon" flavours. Perhaps even spreading into such realms as the "Fear-mongering Fish" or "Law-abiding Liver" flavours.

Man, I don't think I get out enough

[Aptorian]

Nerd Joke!

Heisenberg is speeding down the street and he gets pulled over by a cop
The cop asks "do you know how fast you were going?"
To which Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know exactly where I am!"