[Flawed]

Ok Sombra.

Try this one

Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table.

One of them spots a whisk and asks: "What's that?"

The other egg looks puzzled and replies: "Beats me"

[Lancelot]

Two flies sitting on a toilet seat. Which one leaves first?
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The one that gets pissed off!!

[Flawed]

Last one of the day...............

Three cows in a field one goes, " Moo! "

The second ones says " Blimey! i was going to say that"

The third cow says , " Sh!t! Talking cows! "

[amphibian]

Why did the walrus go to a Tupperware party?

To find a tight seal.

[roibeard]

Yay! I love bad jokes! well done all

Fish swims into a wall , "DAMN!" ... he swore

[Grumble]

A fellow walks into a pub with a cocker spaniel .

The landlord comes over and says " Sorry, no dogs allowed in here "

The fellow replies " Well do you not allow Guide Dogs "

The Landlord says " Guide Dogs are either Alsatian's or Labrodor's "

" Oh Shit " says the fellow " What have they given me "

[Obdigore]

For all you religious types, please don't read

Spoiler

How do you get a nun pregnant?

answer:

Spoiler

Dress her up like an altar boy

[Grumble]

Grumble;202397 said:

A fellow walks into a pub with a cocker spaniel .

The landlord comes over and says " Sorry, no dogs allowed in here "

The fellow replies " Well do you not allow Guide Dogs "

The Landlord says " Guide Dogs are either Alsatian's or Labrodor's "

" Oh Shit " says the fellow " What have they given me "

The Landlord feeling a bit guilty about the above conversation offers to buy the man a drink.

" No thank you " he declines " I don't drink before I go parachute jumping "

" What ! " splutters the landlord " A blind man that parachute jumps "

" Oh yes " says the man " I get in the plane, put on the chute, hook up and jump out when told, the parachute opens automatically "

" That's fantastic " says the landlord " But how do you know when to keep your feet and knee's together for landing "

" Oh that's easy " explains the man " When the dog's lead goes slack " :eek:

[Flawed]

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?'

The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.'

The bartender hands him the drink, and says 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.'

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.'

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!'

The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.' To which the guy replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.'

[Grumble]

A dog walked into the butchers shop carrying a small basket in its mouth, standing up on it's back legs it placed the basket on to the counter.

When the butcher looked inside he found a message and a £10 note. The message read ' 3lb of frying steak please '. Sensing an opportunity the butcher picks up some scrag end to put in the basket but the dog immediately makes a fierce growling noise and bares his teeth ..... feck me thinks the butcher the dog knows the right steak.

Putting the correct steak into the basket the butcher tries his luck by putting the wrong amount of change in the basket, again the dog growls fiercely and bares his teeth ..... feck me thinks the butcher the dog even knows the correct change.

Putting the correct change in the basket the butcher decides to follow the dog as it leaves with the correct steak and money. After a short walk the dog arrives at a house, pushes the gate open with it's head, walks to the door, jumps up on it's back legs and rings the doorbell with it's nose. A moment later a fellow comes to the door and takes the basket from the dog and then proceeds to kick it up the backside and shouts at it " Get round the back you silly bast**d "

The butcher having witnessed this runs over to the man and says "That dog came into my shop with a note, got the correct steak, the right change, walked home and rang the doorbell, why did you kick it up the arse?"

" Well " said the man " That's the third time this week he's forgot his key "

[Lancelot]

Not in my day!!

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'

England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"


Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."


Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."


Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."


Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."


Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."


Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it . full speed ahead."


Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."


Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."


Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."


Nelson: "What?"


Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."


Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."


Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."


Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."


Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of such words. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."


Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."


Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."


Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"


Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."


Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."


Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"


Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."


Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"


Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."


Nelson: "We're not?"


Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. And furthermore according to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."


Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."


Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."


Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."


Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age . Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"


Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"


Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."


Nelson: "What about sodomy?"


Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."


Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

[Flawed]

Lance - Chortle.

Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they never get the house.

[lokiman]

What did Spock find in the captains toilet?

THE CAPTAINS LOG!:eek:

[Flawed]

If Netball is 1
Basketball is 2
Football is 3
Whats 4 & 5?
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9

Be nice, im finding it hard to find cheesy enough ones as it is.

[Grumble]

A blind man is out walking with his guide dog, as they wait to cross a busy road the guide dog takes a piss up it's masters leg.

The blind man reaches into his coat and pulls out a chocolate biscuit which he feeds to the dog.

A stranger who has witnessed what happened approaches the blind man and says " You must really love your dog to give him a biscuit after he just pissed up your leg ".
" Not really " replied the blind man " I want to know where his head is so I can kick him up the arse " :eek:

[Gothos]

here's some nice ones:

http://tytan.braske.net/search.php?s=&acti...earchid=1199384

[Thelomen Toblerone]

In poor taste, (i.e anyone offended easily look away now)but, for anyone in the UK whose seen the news lately...














Q: What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and Pope John Paul II?

A:Pope John Paul died a virgin.

[lokiman]

Here are some jokes

What did the apple say to the orang?
Nothing stupid, apples dont talk.

There are 3 types of people in the world, those who can count, and those who can't.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Roamin' Catholic

What do you give an elephant with diarreha?
Lots of room!

Waiter this coffee tastes like mud! Yes sir, it's fresh ground.

How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut!

[lokiman]

Here's another!

A frog goes to a bank wanting a loan. He goes to a desk with a name plate that says "Patty Whak". He talks to her about getting a loan, so she asks him if he has for collateral. He says he does and shows her a vase. Well she says "we cant help you, thats just some Knick-Knack" The manager who had happened to overhear, looked at the vase and saw that it was from the 17 century and worth alot of money. So he says "Thats no knick-knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan!"

[The Shorn]

Thought I'd tell some harmless racist jokes seeing as this is my first post........

1) Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Sar Trek? Because they won't have jobs in the future either!

2) Whats the Cuban national anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat!"

3) Whats the difference between a Bulgarian and a Hungarian? They'll both sell you their grandmother - but the Bulgarian will deliver!

4) How do you confuse an Irishman? Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick!

5) Did you hear about the one-fingered Jewish thief? He specialised in stealing bagels!

6) A German joke is no laughing matter.....