[Loki]

SInce we are getting close to the season of unfunny bon-bon jokes I would like to share one of my all time favourites:

"What's long, green and always points north?"

"A magnetic cucumber"



Ah, the lack of wit is just genious :Huh!:

[Monstroyer]

"knock-knock"

"who's there?"

"woo"

"woo-who?" ....

[Sparkimus]

Loki, on Dec 5 2008, 06:44 AM, said:

SInce we are getting close to the season of unfunny bon-bon jokes I would like to share one of my all time favourites:

"What's long, green and always points north?"

"A magnetic cucumber"



Ah, the lack of wit is just genious :Huh!:

You would have gotten rep for that in the old days

And here's one of my all time favorites to return the favor...I'm not sure if I've already put this in here somewhere. Oh well.


So a man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says "this is the pig I've been screwing when you're on the rag"

His wife sits up in bed and replies "honey that's a sheep"

The man says, "I'm not talking to you, bitch!"

[frookenhauer]

This had me in stitches. I am a man and shit jokes are funny:


The Shit List


1. Ghost Shit: The kind where you feel shit come out but there is no shit
in the toilet.


2. Clean Shit: The kind where you shit it out, see it, but there is
nothing on the toilet paper.


3. Wet Shit: The kind where you wipe your butt at least 90 times and it
feels unwiped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt
and your underwear so you won't ruin your pants.


4. Second Wave Shit: It happens when you're done shitting and you've
pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to shit
some more.


5. Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Head Shit: The kind where you strain so much to get
the shit out you practically have a stroke.


6. Richard Simmons Shit: You shit so much you lose 30 pounds.


7. Lincoln Log Shit: The kind of shit that is so huge that you are afraid
to flush the toilet without breaking it into little pieces with the
toilet brush.


8. Gassy Shit: It's noisy; everyone within earshot is giggling.


9. Drinker Shit: The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night
of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread marks on the
bottom of the toilet.


10. Corn Shit: Self-explanatory.


11. Gee I Wish I Could Shit Shit: It's the kind where you want to shit but
all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped, and fart a few times.


12. Spinal Tap Shit: That's where it hurts so bad coming out you'd swear it
was leaving sideways.


13. Wet Cheeks Shit (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out of your rear
end so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water.


14. Liquid Shit: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out and
splatters all over the toilet bowl.


15. Mexican Food Shit: It smells so bad the room must be condemned.


16. Upperclass Shit: The kind of shit that doesn't smell.


17. Fisherman's Bobber Shit: That's the kind where you are in a public
restroom, there are two people waiting on your stall; you shit and
flush two times but several golf ball size pieces are still floating
above the water line.


18. Ambush Shit: This kind never occurs at home but usually at a party or
while playing golf. It is the result of trying to fart just a
little, but you end up with trouser chili and you walk bow-legged for
the rest of the day.


19. Santa Clause Shit: A shit that is so big, you have no idea how it made
it down the drain after flushing.


20. Stalactite Shit: A shit that gets stuck and hangs from your butt for a moment.


21. Deja Vu Shit: When you could swear you've taken the exact same shit before.


22. Five Alarm Shit: Your asshole burns so bad you think it's on fire.
Usually after eating really spicy chili or other spicy food.


23. False Alarm Shit: After a really big fart you think you might have
shit yourself, but you didn't.


24. Titanic Shit: The tip of the shit is visible above the water line.


25. Rainbow Shit: The kind of shit that is at least 7 different colors.


26. Gangster Shit: A shit that sounds like an automatic weapon is being
fired in the toilet.


27. Gold Medal Shit: A shit you work so hard to get out that you just have to
tell a friend about it.


Er, I mean toilet humour goes down well

[Slow Ben]

So just found this threat thanks to STD, posted in the Pub already but not everyone frequents it.


So, I have 2 neighbors who are lesbians and they recently got me a Rolex for my birthday.....I think they misunderstood when i said i wanna watch.

[frookenhauer]

quality , ben....

Damnit all my jokes are insulting and demeaning and only useful on my mates...hmm how about this one?

David James rescued a kid from a fire the other day when on the way back for the hairdressers he sees a burning house and spots a woman holding a baby out and screaming for help. He pegs off down the road and gets to the house and shouts up at the ladyto drop the baby and he'll catch it. The woman is too scared to do so, so David James tells her he is the keeper for England and she might not recognise him cos he's got a new hairso and his hands would never miss. so she finally agrees to drop the baby to him and lets go. David james catches the baby bounces it twice and kicks it over the garden wall.

[masan's saddle]

Stephen Hawking was admitted to hospital last night with a broken leg, broken wrist and three fractured ribs,... apparently he'd had a date who stood him up.

[Stradivarius]

What green and smells of pork? Kermit the frogs fingers!

[Slow Ben]

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur.......Likalottapuss

[masan's saddle]

My granny was telling me the other day that men aren't as polite and kind as they were when she was younger.

I had to sit her down and explain, " .. it's because they're not trying to fuck you anymore nan."

[frookenhauer]

masan's saddle, on Mar 19 2009, 11:43 PM, said:

My granny was telling me the other day that men aren't as polite and kind as they were when she was younger.

I had to sit her down and explain, " .. it's because they're not trying to fuck you anymore nan."

that was frikkin awesome! I WILL use this...

edit:

One of my old mates Harry was really posh he lived in a mansion and stuff anyway we went to his house for dinner one night and met his family, it was a big dining table and the meal was awesome...unfortunately no servants, they weren't that posh...Anyway we were all making polite conversation and his dad asked me about my family so I said. "Well my family history is kind of odd, in fact its almost a rags to riches kind of tale. My dad only came to this country with 20 pounds." I did a meaningful pause here and waited for them to adopt a sympathetic look, they did."But it was good shit!" I then waited for a second and smiled and they cracked up.

Excellent icebreaker.

This post has been edited by Frookenhauer : 20 March 2009 - 02:18 AM

[Slow Ben]

@MS thats some funny, funny shit.


So a penguin was on vacation in Arizona when something goes wrong with his car. he finally makes it to the gas station and the mechanic tells him it will take him about a half an hour to find out whats wrong.

So the penguin decides to go for a walk and he walks by and ice cream parlor. Well he's a penguin, he's on vacation, he says hell im gonna get some ice cream. Only problem is he doesnt have hands so while eating the ice cream he gets it all over his beak and face.

He gets back to the mechanic to find out whats wrong with his car. The mechanic looks at him and says "It looks like you blew a seal". The penguin says "NO! NO! thats just ice cream!"

[Tiste Simeon]

Poo Jokes = ALWAYS the Win!

Actually all those things reminded me of when I did a dump so big it would not flush. I tried breaking it up a number of times but it was really stodgy and wouldn't break up that easily. I left it, hoping that by the time I got off work it would have disintegrated.

Anyways, two days, 12 flushes and THREE NIGHTMARES later, it finally disappeared. Yes, it was haunting my sleep... I only wished I had taken a picture of it...

This post has been edited by Tiste Simeon: 20 March 2009 - 02:11 PM

[Grimjust Bearegular]

Tiste Simeon, on Mar 20 2009, 03:11 PM, said:

Poo Jokes = ALWAYS the Win!

Actually all those things reminded me of when I did a dump so big it would not flush. I tried breaking it up a number of times but it was really stodgy and wouldn't break up that easily. I left it, hoping that by the time I got off work it would have disintegrated.

Anyways, two days, 12 flushes and THREE NIGHTMARES later, it finally disappeared. Yes, it was haunting my sleep... I only wished I had taken a picture of it...

I'm glad you didn't.

Although. you could probably have made big money on that photo in Japan...

[masan's saddle]

Ok here's a few more ropey gags, i've just heard an immense Fritzl joke, but i'm afraid it's maybe a bit grim for this illustrious site.....

New barbie doll on the market, comes with no shoes, no clothes, no make-up, no car, no food, no house... nothing.
She's called Zimbarbie.

Paddy's wife comes home from work to find he has nailed all her sex toys to the wall.
" You dull twat, I said I wanted a dado rail ! "

( you can replace Paddy with Taffy if you wish.)

Just taken the missus to hospital with a broken nose and two black eyes, seems we got our wires crossed when she said she wanted decking in the garden.

A quick one for Strad cos he said my missus was hairy.

Driving instructor says to a Welsh farmer, " Can you make a U-turn ?"
Farmer replies " Listen boyo I can make it's eyes water if I go in dry ! "

This post has been edited by Cougar: 21 March 2009 - 12:36 AM

[Macros]

do pm fritsl joke plux!

[Slow Ben]

Hey Mac! Whats Irish and sits on your deck all year round, even in the rain? paddy-o furniture!

[Macros]

If I knew where you were from I would make asimilarly silly joke

[Stradivarius]

did you hear the weekend of the wales england rugby match there was no rac or aa cover in the whole of britain?
they were too busy towing the broken chariots back to england!

teacher to class
what does your dad do on the weekends.
david pops up with
he's a dancer at a gay bar MOD EDIT.
the teacher takes him outside and asks him if this is true.
no miss its bollocks he plays rugby for england but i'm too embaressed to say

This post has been edited by Cougar: 21 March 2009 - 12:35 AM

[Tiste Simeon]

Woah, OK things are too far now, I have to say something...

England put in a stunning performance against France, and they played well against Wales!