[Cause]

Okay read chap 8 very good exciting. Just reread and correct the fight scene in the temple it is choatic and disjointed and has several concord errors. And another thing where were the assasins unless they are the priests?

He was shouting now, his large hands grasping her shoulders though he was not strong enough to move her-This bothers me why cant harper described as a huge man not move her or do you mean her point of view.

A question why does harper the high king ask permision of his wife to end the war. Cant he just do it himslef. Or do both need to agree to pass law. I presume this is the reason he kills her.

I think you need to do a league history info chapter soon. Why is russia apart of it. Who is cassius why do the priests of loki serve for instance.

And finally again that thing you posted in the UD thread bothers me. In the thread harper says the goddes is with him even after his betrayal yet in the context of the book why would she help him.

If you need any specifics just ask. Good story await more. So quit your work and get busy and become a starving artist.

[drinksinbars]

good point, oh well i dont have any schizo's in my book though, so the comparison thnakfully ends there.

[Cause]

Okay I read it and here are my thoughts

1)Get rid of the horses and get rid of them now. Even in a fantasy world of magick men on horseback charging up againts tanks and men seems ridiculous. Further while the elite might be immune to gun fire or fast enought to out run it at the end of the day a horse is a horse and can do nither it would undoubtadly die.
2)Rerwrite the ending 'and after they spoke of a great many things' that line is terrible to use an example.
3)Again harper comes off seeming like a king with no control over his country and yet katinas rulings seem to be obeyed without question I STILL FEEL THIS has not been explained propally.

I enjoyed the chapter thoroughly however and feel your story is really building up.

A question on your religeons
loki-norse god
khali-indian?
Uniate-what is the ukranian greek church. Is it also popular in greece is it a form of roman cathlic

And finally could you tell me a bit about yourself just to unerstand who and what kind of person is writing this story your age country etc.

[drinksinbars]

what? what are you talking about my dear??

ahh the vistula river egion in poland??? i dont know i jujst like putting in odd places, i didnt realise you were reading this bav, i am pleased no???? yes actually

have almost finished rewriting my first chapter, totally scraped that piece of **** from the first attempt and reworked prologue again.

how about htis for an openbing line



"nothing delivers crystal clarity than the muzzle of cold steel gun pressed hard against your forehead."

so how come no ones given any feedback??? im drowning over here

[drinksinbars]

This is the story i earlier posted the prologue for. It is set in modern times though with some major differences due to the magic systems involved. Its quite a bloody story so you have been warned.

Marduk says - And I almost shat myself (well maybe not) with that last part!

ohh the map is nicked from something like rough guide so sorry!!!!!
The finished book will probably be around twenty chapters, i have included the first five chapters, the prologue and a character list/map.

all feedback is welcome especially the bad stuff!!!! how can i learn if you wont post!

[drinksinbars]

thats a great help mate cheers, i know i get the grammar mixed up helluva lot, and i get carried away with the descriptions too. you will hopefully notice though that those mistakes are in many places on purpose(not the where were ones), as each different part is written in a slightly different style to recognise the point of view, it doesnt come across well at the start but it should after a few chapters, trust me. Ill try to cut some of the desc down abit though as i think the prologue is a little too heavy handed.

although it may feel i am giving away a lot of the world in the prologue i would have to disagree and as ytou read the first five chapters and see how many different avenues the story follows that will be clearer. Plus nothing is ever as it seems because the main theme of the book is repsonibility and perception, hence the strange and disjointed writing style which i hope people quickly get used to.

there is a lot of history between thomas and harper, both of whom are main players in this piece of the story. boa is a strange charcter and although he may seem like a bit player due to the odd nature of his intro he does play a part in the story and this piece is fairly detached from that. His presence is not revealed to quite late in the book and is in no way related to any of the early chapters much like the dreamer who will be an influence later in the story, not fully explored until part two which i am currently plotting. boa is instead used to show as you say a very vague aspect of the world. For one of the major parts aspects of the world i am creating is that if there is a belief in something then it will exist. PERCEPTION is the key.

overall redemptiom clocks in at nearly 250 pages, this is the first half of a longer book, not the first part which i would publish seperately mind as thats just cheap but a smaller part of a bigger novel. enjoy.

[Iron Bars]

Good chapter again. The fight is alot clearer in the rivised version.

[Yellow]

Email me what you have... I got the first two chapters earlier, but just send whatever I need

phil.monks@ you know the rest

[Cause]

Well I have read up to the end of chapter 2 and posted some comments in the prologue post. Looking forward to the rest will read soon.

[drinksinbars]

heres part 2 as i couldnt upload it all as one

[Cause]

So when can I expect more.

[drinksinbars]

there are quite a lot of problems with this chapter, i honestly found some parts on a reread terribly depressing. i may go back and expand katriunas earlier life before the **** hit the fan cause your right she isnt explained properly, but if you look closely i try very subtley to imply that she is the ruler, people fear and lobve her in equal respects. doyle for example is in love with her. loki is norse, kali is indian and the uniate are indeed the UKGC, in the real world they are seperate from the roman church. lvov is actually a major centre of theirs and a very beautiful city.

the horse will go, i only really put it in cause i really wanted an image of harper on horse back standing tall above the battle field, and at that point the mages had decimated the artillery and the oppossing infantry. i should probably expand the battle but i really want to leave a full scale confrontation until the very end as i want to only wet your appetite bvefore unleashing hell. hence the fact all major conflicts are skirted, this really isnt laziness its just i have something mad planned for the battle toward the end of this book. harper really isnt in control of ireland, i will make this clear. he spent many years working for the league as a general while katrina was the power in the league. she was the major politician and worked at home to bring ireland to a high status within the league. harper fought constantly in campaigns against thje asians and the americans in afrioca and eastern euroope so is not reaklly known by his people beyond various apopearances. i actually cut short the ending as i was going to through in a plot point and have their discussion but the chapter seemed to be going on and i havent written one so long.

glad you enjoyed it though, i really know where everything is going in terms of this thread of the story. the other side invoilving our mysterious dreamner and the espionage and the drug dealers is a harder part to tell but is relatred, im not just made you know!!!


about me, well i am 23, work as an it specialist dealing in security systems and am insane, i like reading and computer games, the cinema and my missus. i have ahealthy social life involving much booze at weekends but not during the week. this is my second book, the first an autobiography of more than twenty different people rolled into one. it was crazy and i have since lost it though it taught me alot and cost me even more.

i am from irerland, hence the settings but why i choose to destroy it i dont know, i love this country though and i love the idea of gods probably because i find it hard to believe in them. apart from that theres not much to tell apart from i will rewrite chapter twelve tomorrow and try to get a better version up as soon as possible.

oh tell me about the new style i employed using numbers within the chapter, i have rewritten earliar parts of the book, created acover and redone it all in this style but if it is pointless i reaslly would like to know. also what did you think of fadeyka as a character?? i should point out something as no one has mentioned it yet but every character apart from the main ones like harper and thomas, their names have reasons behind them, clues to personalities etc.

i found the start of this chapter slightly hard to understand when i reread it any major changes needed???



*******************************************edits****************************
okay folks have taken into account causes points and have rewritten parts of chapter twelve. expanded areas of it and rewritten others. tried to remove any repeating words and improve the grammar so it flows more.

also included is a revision of chapter sevn with an extra apage to expand katrinas story, this is from page 7- 10. i dotn think i added anything earlier than that except a few minor grammar changes and some points and hints to further stories.

[Lord Gordonis]

read chap. 3 + 4 last night very good, few spellings and miss out letters but otherwise from very good can't wait to read the rest

[drinksinbars]

ok, have rewritten the first two chapters and the prologue, as well as completed the final chapter of this section of the book. Will be another while before i finish up everything but i have been rereading the changes and nneed some outside influence. Would anyone be interested in a copy of chapter one to critique, its not necessary that you have read the rest. as many takers as possible, i would prefer to use email from now on though, will send you the doc or zip file as requested.

[drinksinbars]

altered the entire section with harper to incorporate changes in his characters direction. before it was eet in a bar, this time in his living room. hopefully it offers a better idea of where he is coming from and gives you a hint about thomas aswell who began as a non important character but is playing a more central role.

the only other changes occur in that there are two new chapters, my other revisions are still in writing, and i have only two chapters left in this "book" as then the story will move into the next phase of the story when everyone is moving to the next screen so to speak one of said chapters is 80% finished but it is the last chapter and i wont release it until i get feedback from the update i just posted. or until i finish the intevening chapter.

[drinksinbars]

of course,the more readers the more feedback, which is what every writer wants plus the revisions have meant the book is up to nearly 300 pages for this part so its too much to post anyhows.

[Baverel]

we meet again right now when i'm going away to berlin, drinks in bars...so i'll print it, i'll read it...i'll come here then n tell you what i think *hides*

[drinksinbars]

@cause i still havent really went into the whole war side yet except to say that the borders are patrolled, the world is quite advanced but along different lines from our own and both sides have a strong arsenal making major pushes the only possible way to secure lines, the various hints back to the fall and other historical situations will clarify this more though. im not trying to write a war movie though so am focusing more on characters and situartions ith as nice climax. teams of soldiers make it across the borders regularly but large troop movements on either side are well documented so im setting the stage for major pushes from various sides. should be exciting!!!


@marduk go on we need more WRITERS!!!!!

[Lord Gordonis]

going to read it soon DiB give u a comment when i read it lol