[cerveza_fiesta]

Short summary: Sister is getting married this summer and has decided not to have a maid of honour up on the dais with her. Instead she wants a man-of-honour and has selected me for this task.

I am not at all opposed to the idea, but I'm wondering if anybody on here has seen something similar done in weddings they've attended. Did the man-of-honour have any special duties or things required of him outside what a normal maid-of-honour would do? Most weddings I've attended they witnessed the marriage license, stood around during the ceremony in a pretty dress, and gave a speech during the reception. Has anybody seen this handled in a really g

I absolutely don't want to steal anyone's thunder or draw attention away from my sister obviously, but it's in my nature to be a bit of a goof and I feel like it's expected of me to ham it up a bit. Neither family involved is particularly solemn or massively traditional, so a bit of humour wouldn't be resented by anyone. Conversely, any attention diverted to me is taken from the couple, so I'm resisting my usual defaults.

The obvious opportunity for a bit of goofing (and by far the most appropriate place for it) is in delivering a toast to the couple. I'm trying to develop a theme for it that somehow relates to me becoming a woman for the ceremony, a comical story from my sister's bitchy teenage years when she was becoming a woman herself...something along those lines...but I'm not sure that's the right tack. I was away at university for my sister's late highschool years and missed much of the drama, so I think I need to reach farther back...though that necessitates changing the theme a bit.

Any thoughts on how to be a good man-of-honour? Ideas for the toast?

[Inane Babble]

Whatever you do you HAVE to, for at least one part of the day and at least 20 photographs, either borrow or get your own ridiculous wedding hat. Bonus points for doing your speech while wearing it. Something like this;



Keep it in your car until after the ceremony and at some point have someone slip it to you in the middle of a photo session including the bride and groom. See how long it takes them to notice based on other peoples reactions.

Specifically for the toast, swap ALL gender pronouns between you and her, pretend she is a man and you are a woman and phrase EVERYTHING this way. "When he was a teenager and he was leaning to put on his own makeup blah blah blah"

[Tsundoku]

If your bum doesn't look like this in a dress, don't bother:

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[bubba]

My god this thread is a comedy mine field......I choose not to enter.

[worry]

Your main duty has nothing to do with the wedding, it's the bachelorette party. Have fun buying all those penis balloons, penis cakes, penis straws, penis hats, and most importantly an actual dancing man with a dancing penis attached.

[Aptorian]

Remember to shatter the ceremonial jug of maple syrup over the grooms head or you will have six more years of winter. Or is that only the in French Canadian parts of your frozen wasteland? I can never remember.

[QuickTidal]

I have a friend who had 3 groomsmen and one groomswoman because one of his best friends was a girl. She wore a black dress matching the black tuxes. It's not uncommon these days to have this role gender flipped.

I think aside from allowing one of your sisters friend's to plan her bachelorette (if she's having one), that everything else falls into the purview of what a best man would traditionally do, just for your sister from the other side of the dais. You'll be responsible for giving a speech and standing at her side of course, and signing the registry.

The only other thing that, (for example) my wife's sister (who was her Maid of Honour), did was make sure that everything to do with organization of the day was going off without hitches (as best as one can).

But yeah, otherwise similar to the Best Man job in all respects.

This post has been edited by QuickTidal: 04 July 2014 - 07:03 PM

[amphibian]

Do not tell that story about your teenage sister becoming a woman to the wedding group and guests.

That is a terrible, no good, horrible idea.

[Coco with marshmallows]

amphibian, on 04 July 2014 - 07:12 PM, said:

Do not tell that story about your teenage sister becoming a woman to the wedding group and guests.

That is a terrible, no good, horrible idea.

Yeah.

Tell it to the best man and let him put that in his speech instead.

[Stormcat]

I had my mom "give me away" at my wedding. I figured since she raised me it made more sense than my dad doing it.
I agree about not telling that coming of age story if there is any seriousness to it. If you all are a joking kind of family and you know for sure she won't be upset then at least run it by her first.

[Traveller]

Yep... I've seen a best man speech go badly wrong when what was meant to be a joke ended up upsetting bride and groom, to the extent that the fallout carried on for several days! Just tread carefully, if there's a risk don't use it!

[tiam]

Traveller, on 05 July 2014 - 06:09 AM, said:

Yep... I've seen a best man speech go badly wrong when what was meant to be a joke ended up upsetting bride and groom, to the extent that the fallout carried on for several days! Just tread carefully, if there's a risk don't use it!

I was best man yesterday at my brothers wedding. There were 2 best men (me and our other brother) and we did a speech. I had previously a speech that occasionally targeted my sister in law and she is prone to be a massive mountain out of molehill type of woman anyway so clearly shed be moreso on the day of her wedding. So I just binned it and wrote a much tamer less risky speech with my brother. Anytime there was a joke that might not play out well? Gone. What we delivered in the end was a fairly short informal speech that poked modest fun at the bride in the opening joke then concentrated on my brother the rest of the way but again not too risky. It went down a storm, with both sides of the family, and it was a much better option.

It is purely subjective. If your expected to do a speech think of your relationship with the person. Man of Honour is awkward because theres not a tradition of 'roasting' if your even expecting to do a speech. If I was doing a speech tomorrow about my other brother who I did the speech with today it would have been alot harsher and more jokey and that would have been fine but my brother who got married yesterday appreciated some of the more sentimental speech stuff (good dad etc).

Maid of honour yesterday was responsible for helping plan the wedding, planning the hen party which might be a bit trickier as your a bloke so get her friends involved for suggestions, and helping out on the day.

If it makes you feel any better the maid of honour yesterday was on the dancefloor, drunk trying to get with my brother infront of both families including the bride.

Awkward

[D'rek]

Question for you CF - is this is a very "traditional" western-catholic wedding in all aspects other than you being Man of Honour?

I went to a wedding recently that still had a ceremony by the officiant, still had vows, rings and I Dos, and the reception was pretty ordinary (a couple speeches, cake cutting, first dance, etc), but it wasn't all-girls-are-bridesmaids-and-all-boys-are-groomsmen. The members of the wedding party who were friends/family of the bride were bridesmaids/bridesmen and the wedding party members who were friends/family of the groom were groomsmen/groomsmaids. It wouldn't have made any different at all if the Best Man had been a Best Woman, nor whether the Maid of Honour was a Man of Honour. From what I heard, the groom had a bi-gender bachelor party with his friends and family while the bride had her bachelorette party with her own friends/family, so didn't matter for that, either.

If that's the case, then shouldn't be a problem at all, just do the usual maid of honour duties and confer with the wedding planner for any deviations from the norm and confer with your sister on what she wants for her bachelorette party.

As for speeches, maybe you should confer with the best [wo]man, the parents and anyone else who will also be doing a speech - if several of them are planning to do funny speeches you can make yours serious or vice versa for balance. As for content, I think it would depend on the people attending. I've been to a wedding where everyone was very serious and emotional, and I sense if any speeches had tried to be funny all the stern grandmothers would have tsked, but the recent wedding I was at was a more festive crowd and the sex and puberty jokes at the bride and groom's expenses in the speeches went over great.


On the other hand, if this is a 100% traditional wedding except for this one switch, you may need to more closely stick to the historic maid of honour duties... and in that case I would sit down with your sister and try to get a better idea of exactly what she is looking for from you.

Good luck!

[Una]

I was a maid of honour for a friend's wedding. It's a really big job.

Traditionally, the duties include:

1.Planning the bridal shower/bachelorette
2.Making the toast to the bride
3.Keeping all the other bridesmaids on task and manage any drama before it reaches the bride.
4.Being the bride's personal assistant, ladiesmaid, and gofer

The last part is the biggest, most important, and most difficult part of your job, so I will pay it special attention.
Personal assistant and gofer duties: Anything she needs with wedding planning. Helping her pick a dress, helping her pick bridesmaid dresses, running interference on her difficult relatives. Most of the PLANNING, the bride does herself, but what she does not usually anticipate is that if something goes wrong ON THE DAY of the wedding, she will be too busy posing for photos, shaking hands with guests, and generally having to be on display and available, so that she will be in no position to do things like make emergency phone calls, talk to the vendors if something needs to be fixed, run messages to various people, or fetch something that got left behind in a hotel room. That's all you. I mean, it's all bridesmaid duties, but you're the head bridesmaid, so it's ultimately on you. I hope she has some bridesmaids, because you may need to delegate and it's nice to have people to delegate to.

Ladiesmaid duties: I expect you to be least familiar with. It's ok. None of us usually get ladiesmaiding experience these days. Mostly, she can't carry a handbag for that day, so you have to hold stuff for her. You may have to hold her train or her veil so she doesn't step on it. There will be times when she needs someone to hold her bouquet. You may need to carry her coat or wrap if it's a cold day. You have a huge advantage here, being a guy, because you will probably be wearing a suit or tux and you get pockets. You may have to help her get dressed. Don't underestimate this. It took 3 ladies half an hour to lace me into my wedding dress. If you're her brother, you might be excused for this part, but I mention it because it is traditionally maid of honour stuff. One of your primary functions, and I urge you to take this seriously, is to help her prevent wardrobe malfunctions. I will address this in detail below.

Prevention of wardrobe malfunctions: Very important. For some brides, this will be the first time in a fancy dress with a poofy skirt and a train. These days, wedding dresses are often strapless, which increases the chances of something bad happening. You need to take notice of things like if a tag or those little ribbons that they use to hang the dress are hanging out. If someone steps on her hem and something tears, you have to be ready with a quick fix. If any part of her bra is showing, you need to alert her and fix it. You get the picture. If she cries and her mascara runs, you may need to tell her and help her fix it. Anticipate, anticipate, anticipate! These things always seem to happen 2 minutes before go-time.

Therefore, have your emergency kit ready.
I suggest you carry the following. Once again, I envy that you get to have pockets:

1.safety pins of various sizes, but the teeny tiny ones you get when you buy a dress shirt are the best
2. double sided tape - good for quickly taping up hems and sticking down parts of on outfit that just won't stay where they're supposed to
3. small emergency sewing kit with tiny scissors, needle, and thread
4. Clear bra straps
5. Make up kit - make up remover wipes for cleaning up runny eyeliner, whatever lipstick she is wearing, concealer, pocket mirror so she can check herself. At a minimum. extra powder, eyeliner, and mascara for touchups is a plus.
6. Packet of tissues. Maybe several. Other people might need them too.
7. pocket comb. extra hairpins.
Thank all I can think of for tonight, but I'm sure there's more. Ask anyone else who has gotten married or done some bridesmaiding.

My final point is that weddings are very stressful for the bride. Right or wrong, the pressure is on her to make things perfect. If someone else screws something up and some part of the wedding is ruined, be it some crusty aunt gets offended over something trivial, the DJ sucks, they run out of booze, the minister is late, someone didn't get their vegetarian option meal, it all gets reflected back on her because she's traditionally responsible for planning, so it MUST be her fault. The best thing you can do is anticipate what she needs and have it ready before she thinks to ask for it and deflect the less important problems as much as possible so that she only as to deal with the important stuff. And here again, as her brother, you have an advantage. She will need hugs, reassurance, and occasional calming down. You grew up together, so you know best how to deal with her moods. My friend went full bridezilla on me. Like, screaming at me for being so stupid, why-didn't-I-know-she-wanted-those-shoes-instead-of-these-identical-other-shoes crazy. And I got a bit snippy, which I'm not proud of. It was day 6 of a week long wedding and I had been taking it for a while, so I was feeling a little abused and cranky and I lost my cool. Anyways, as soon as the final event was over, we cried and made up. But best if you can help her keep her cool.

Don't roast her. It can backfire. She'll be super sensitive due to all the reasons I stated above. You're much better off telling some heartfelt story about when you were growing up and conclude with how much you love her. She will appreciate it more. I was at a wedding once where the best man was the younger brother and just said in his speech that he was always trying to be different from his big brother. His big brother was such a "good boy", so in his rebellious days, the younger brother did stuff like dye his hair, get a tattoo, slack off in school, just to avoid comparisons and set himself apart. But as time passes, he realized more and more that his older brother is the man that he looks up to and most wants to be like. I cried. Both brothers cried. I'm sure they will both treasure that moment. Save the funny stuff for the bachelorette.

[Egwene]

Wedding traditions vary a lot from one end of the world to the other and I wouldn't worry too much about what everyone else is doing (or follow Hollywood stereotypes).

1st, 2nd and 3rd... Talk with your sister and ask her what exactly she is expecting you to do.

Your sister and her future husband need to decide what sort of atmosphere they want to create. That ranges from formal occasion to massive party for all. Everything else will follow from that. If they want a riot, your speech needs to incite it, if they want formality, your speech shouldn't throw it out of the window. It is their day and it is up to them to set the tone for it.

Sit down together and do a lot of thinking beforehand. Play things over in your mind and put emergency plans in for potential disasters (what to do about photos if it rains etc...) then when the day comes... whatever happens, smile! Short of one of them saying 'no' or someone interrupting to say 'I object', whatever happens, the reaction should be 'so what'?!


Rather than thinking of yourselves as organisers, think of what it is like being the guest...

-would you enjoy sitting there listening to someone you may not know making smutty in-jokes you don't understand about a bride who is looking uncomfortable?
-what about the wedding where you tried to supress a yawn because speeches went on forever, you didn't connect with anyone at your table and were glad to be able to go home at the earliest opportunity?
-or the one where everyone got so drunk that parents took their kids home early because it turned into an occasion unsuitable for anyone who wasn't under the influence?
-or the one where the couple obviously spend huge amounts of money on decorations and looking good, but you went home hungry because there wasn't much food?
...

The best weddings are those where everyone goes home having had a good time. If you keep that uppermost in mind you and your sister will look back on a fantastic day.

[Gnaw]

Oh this is simple. Strap on a .44 Magnum. Your speech consists of telling the groom, "if you hurt her I'll kill you."

[D'rek]

Una, on 06 July 2014 - 04:45 AM, said:

My final point is that weddings are very stressful for the bride. Right or wrong, the pressure is on her to make things perfect. If someone else screws something up and some part of the wedding is ruined, be it some crusty aunt gets offended over something trivial, the DJ sucks, they run out of booze, the minister is late, someone didn't get their vegetarian option meal, it all gets reflected back on her because she's traditionally responsible for planning, so it MUST be her fault. The best thing you can do is anticipate what she needs and have it ready before she thinks to ask for it and deflect the less important problems as much as possible so that she only as to deal with the important stuff. And here again, as her brother, you have an advantage. She will need hugs, reassurance, and occasional calming down. You grew up together, so you know best how to deal with her moods. My friend went full bridezilla on me. Like, screaming at me for being so stupid, why-didn't-I-know-she-wanted-those-shoes-instead-of-these-identical-other-shoes crazy. And I got a bit snippy, which I'm not proud of. It was day 6 of a week long wedding and I had been taking it for a while, so I was feeling a little abused and cranky and I lost my cool. Anyways, as soon as the final event was over, we cried and made up. But best if you can help her keep her cool.

I hadn't really thought about the organizational side of things for this, but I guess that could apply, too. Still, a lot of people getting married these days will hire a wedding planner to both organize and coordinate everything and will explicitly tell anyone else with a role in the wedding (wedding party, DJ, food staff, etc) that if they have any questions/problems to go see the coordinator rather than the bride/groom. So this may depend on the context. That being said, it's still possible to get very stressed/freak out/etc even when you do have a coordinator!!!

[Mezla PigDog]

cerveza_fiesta, on 04 July 2014 - 02:53 PM, said:

Short summary: Sister is getting married this summer and has decided not to have a maid of honour up on the dais with her. Instead she wants a man-of-honour and has selected me for this task.

I am not at all opposed to the idea, but I'm wondering if anybody on here has seen something similar done in weddings they've attended. Did the man-of-honour have any special duties or things required of him outside what a normal maid-of-honour would do? Most weddings I've attended they witnessed the marriage license, stood around during the ceremony in a pretty dress, and gave a speech during the reception. Has anybody seen this handled in a really g

I absolutely don't want to steal anyone's thunder or draw attention away from my sister obviously, but it's in my nature to be a bit of a goof and I feel like it's expected of me to ham it up a bit. Neither family involved is particularly solemn or massively traditional, so a bit of humour wouldn't be resented by anyone. Conversely, any attention diverted to me is taken from the couple, so I'm resisting my usual defaults.

The obvious opportunity for a bit of goofing (and by far the most appropriate place for it) is in delivering a toast to the couple. I'm trying to develop a theme for it that somehow relates to me becoming a woman for the ceremony, a comical story from my sister's bitchy teenage years when she was becoming a woman herself...something along those lines...but I'm not sure that's the right tack. I was away at university for my sister's late highschool years and missed much of the drama, so I think I need to reach farther back...though that necessitates changing the theme a bit.

Any thoughts on how to be a good man-of-honour? Ideas for the toast?

I heartily approve of breaking with gender traditions at weddings so thumbs up to your sister. Most of my friends are male and I've never been invited to a stag do or had anything interesting to do at a wedding and I'm not cross about those facts but I am a bit gutted especially as I don't want to get married myself so I will never have a chance to show off!! Still, you make your bed and you have to lie in it.

Most of the other posts in this thread remind me why I think weddings are a crock of shit so I reckon your mum can take care of the girly stuff Una went on about (although pockets will come in very useful for lipstick and tissues). I think your speech/toast should be in the same vein as a Best Mans speech with a small hint of the sentimentality of the Father of the Bride schtick. I can't really read "becoming a woman" without thinking of periods and that's something no woman wants to think about on her wedding day and I don't think that is what you were aiming at so whatever you think will work is good. Do run your speech by someone though - Mr PigDog was a best man and I had to cut out a play on words around the C-word from his speech!! I said "Yes I know our friends and his ex-marine buddies will think it's hilarious but his grandparents will be present!!!!!" Otherwise go for it! Your sister wouldn't have asked if she didn't think you would be great.

This post has been edited by Mezla PigDog: 07 July 2014 - 11:07 AM

[Abyss]

Let's make this very simple...

1. Ask you sister what she wants you to do.
2. Do that.
3. Don't fuck up.
4. Deliver a toast/speech. Keep it short. Don't make it about you. Say something nice about your sister. Say something nice about the groom. KEEP IT SHORT. Say something nice about both sides' parents/families. DO NOT MAKE IT ABOUT YOU. You get one joke. One.
5. If you wear a dress, or at least a pretty hat to make the toast, that's your one joke. Animal prints are all the rage this season.
6. Do not get hammered until after the toast is done.
7. This is important...Regardless of whatever she asks you to do, plan for disaster. Have the following things available at all times (and pray you need none of it)...


a. Cell phone, fully charged, with charger, with correct/confirmed numbers for limo, cab, caterer, florist, hotel, beautician, officiant, entire wedding party's cells.
b. A car and sober driver available on short notice.
c. Food. Which you will make sure she eats. It doesn't matter what this is, just make certain you have something she will eat on the day during the madness and make damn sure she eats it. I've seen brides fall right the fuck over because between the beautician, dress, photos and all the other crap, they didn't take thirty seconds to refuel. Same goes for her/your mom and the grooms' mom. Everyone else can take care of themselves, but keep half an eye out... i've seen more bridemaids and MotBs fall over than brides.
d. Water. Cold. Same reason.
e. Bandaids (clear kind). Aspirin. Ibuprofen. Mints.
f. Tissue. Lots.
g. Backup makeup. Enlist a friend of hers for this. You're not qualified. Unless you are.
h. One of those detergent stain removing pen thingies.
i. A flask of something strong. Just in case. Also for you once the toast is done.

[Gnaw]

Abyss, on 07 July 2014 - 03:39 PM, said:

Let's make this very simple...

1. Ask you sister what she wants you to do.
2. Do that.
3. Don't fuck up.
4. Deliver a toast/speech. Keep it short. Don't make it about you. Say something nice about your sister. Say something nice about the groom. KEEP IT SHORT. Say something nice about both sides' parents/families. DO NOT MAKE IT ABOUT YOU. You get one joke. One.
5. If you wear a dress, or at least a pretty hat to make the toast, that's your one joke. Animal prints are all the rage this season.
6. Do not get hammered until after the toast is done.
7. This is important...Regardless of whatever she asks you to do, plan for disaster. Have the following things available at all times (and pray you need none of it)...

a. Cell phone, fully charged, with charger, with correct/confirmed numbers for limo, cab, caterer, florist, hotel, beautician, officiant, entire wedding party's cells.
b. A car and sober driver available on short notice.
c. Food. Which you will make sure she eats. It doesn't matter what this is, just make certain you have something she will eat on the day during the madness and make damn sure she eats it. I've seen brides fall right the fuck over because between the beautician, dress, photos and all the other crap, they didn't take thirty seconds to refuel. Same goes for her/your mom and the grooms' mom. Everyone else can take care of themselves, but keep half an eye out... i've seen more bridemaids and MotBs fall over than brides.
d. Water. Cold. Same reason.
e. Bandaids (clear kind). Aspirin. Ibuprofen. Mints.
f. Tissue. Lots.
g. Backup makeup. Enlist a friend of hers for this. You're not qualified. Unless you are.
h. One of those detergent stain removing pen thingies.
i. A flask of something strong. Just in case. Also for you once the toast is done.

Damned good list. Two quibbles and one addition, all booze related.

6. Do not get hammered. It's also your job to make sure the reception doesn't descend into brawls, face falling into cakes, etc. (besides, drunken bridesmaids tend to end up waking up next to groomsmen; i'm fairly certain that your wife would not approve.)

B. More than one car/driver.

J. Bribe the bartender. On your signal, s/he is to start watering down drinks for whomever you point out.