[Abyss]

Gnaw, on 07 July 2014 - 04:04 PM, said:

Abyss, on 07 July 2014 - 03:39 PM, said:

Let's make this very simple...

...

Damned good list. Two quibbles and one addition, all booze related.

6. Do not get hammered. It's also your job to make sure the reception doesn't descend into brawls, face falling into cakes, etc. (besides, drunken bridesmaids tend to end up waking up next to groomsmen; i'm fairly certain that your wife would not approve.)
...
J. Bribe the bartender. On your signal, s/he is to start watering down drinks for whomever you point out.

All valid points, but i might argue those things are the Groom/Best Man's job. The Bride's 'Thingy of Honor' 's job is to ensure that the Bride is stress-free(ish), taken care of and properly honored and once that's done, hey, have a nice time and just don't embarrass yourself or anyone. Someone else should be focused on wider drunk control if needed.

As for the extra cars, one is to make sure the bride and groom are where they have to be. Everyone else can call a cab (which you have the number for, on the cell, see pt 1)... unless one of the things the bride requests is that CF set up rides for everyone, in which case i suggest hiring a small bus and still have a backup car/driver available.

...can you tell i've done this entirely too many times...?

[Vengeance]

Abyss, on 07 July 2014 - 04:24 PM, said:

Gnaw, on 07 July 2014 - 04:04 PM, said:

Abyss, on 07 July 2014 - 03:39 PM, said:

Let's make this very simple...

...

Damned good list. Two quibbles and one addition, all booze related.

6. Do not get hammered. It's also your job to make sure the reception doesn't descend into brawls, face falling into cakes, etc. (besides, drunken bridesmaids tend to end up waking up next to groomsmen; i'm fairly certain that your wife would not approve.)
...
J. Bribe the bartender. On your signal, s/he is to start watering down drinks for whomever you point out.

All valid points, but i might argue those things are the Groom/Best Man's job. The Bride's 'Thingy of Honor' 's job is to ensure that the Bride is stress-free(ish), taken care of and properly honored and once that's done, hey, have a nice time and just don't embarrass yourself or anyone. Someone else should be focused on wider drunk control if needed.

As for the extra cars, one is to make sure the bride and groom are where they have to be. Everyone else can call a cab (which you have the number for, on the cell, see pt 1)... unless one of the things the bride requests is that CF set up rides for everyone, in which case i suggest hiring a small bus and still have a backup car/driver available.

...can you tell i've done this entirely too many times...?

Been a maid of honor?

[D'rek]

Gnaw, on 07 July 2014 - 04:04 PM, said:

Abyss, on 07 July 2014 - 03:39 PM, said:

Let's make this very simple...

1. Ask you sister what she wants you to do.
2. Do that.
3. Don't fuck up.
4. Deliver a toast/speech. Keep it short. Don't make it about you. Say something nice about your sister. Say something nice about the groom. KEEP IT SHORT. Say something nice about both sides' parents/families. DO NOT MAKE IT ABOUT YOU. You get one joke. One.
5. If you wear a dress, or at least a pretty hat to make the toast, that's your one joke. Animal prints are all the rage this season.
6. Do not get hammered until after the toast is done.
7. This is important...Regardless of whatever she asks you to do, plan for disaster. Have the following things available at all times (and pray you need none of it)...

a. Cell phone, fully charged, with charger, with correct/confirmed numbers for limo, cab, caterer, florist, hotel, beautician, officiant, entire wedding party's cells.
b. A car and sober driver available on short notice.
c. Food. Which you will make sure she eats. It doesn't matter what this is, just make certain you have something she will eat on the day during the madness and make damn sure she eats it. I've seen brides fall right the fuck over because between the beautician, dress, photos and all the other crap, they didn't take thirty seconds to refuel. Same goes for her/your mom and the grooms' mom. Everyone else can take care of themselves, but keep half an eye out... i've seen more bridemaids and MotBs fall over than brides.
d. Water. Cold. Same reason.
e. Bandaids (clear kind). Aspirin. Ibuprofen. Mints.
f. Tissue. Lots.
g. Backup makeup. Enlist a friend of hers for this. You're not qualified. Unless you are.
h. One of those detergent stain removing pen thingies.
i. A flask of something strong. Just in case. Also for you once the toast is done.

Damned good list. Two quibbles and one addition, all booze related.

6. Do not get hammered. It's also your job to make sure the reception doesn't descend into brawls, face falling into cakes, etc. (besides, drunken bridesmaids tend to end up waking up next to groomsmen; i'm fairly certain that your wife would not approve.)

B. More than one car/driver.

J. Bribe the bartender. On your signal, s/he is to start watering down drinks for whomever you point out.

I still think if there is a dedicated wedding planner/coordinator most of this is not something the maid of honour should be doing. I guess it doesn't hurt to have everyone's phone numbers, but if the bride suddenly remembers something she really wants the officiant to say, it shouldn't be the maid of honour who calls the officiant, the MoH should call the wedding planner and let them arrange it. Otherwise you end up with a handful of these people (MoH, BM, MotB, FotB, etc etc) who all think they need to pass along random information to different people and meanwhile the wedding planner is out of the loop of a ton of changes happening, and chaos ensues. Everything relating to the execution of the event itself should be funneled through the planner/coordinator so they can deal with conflicting requests and be the one person who knows everything that will happen.


Also, this whole needing to look after everyone else thing is no fun. If some of the bridesmaids are 17-yr old girls sneaking drinks from the bar, fine, be responsible about it and all that jazz, but CF hasn't indicated much any which way. If the bridesmaids are all adults let them look after themselves. If your family are fun folks who enjoy a laugh, go ahead and make tons of jokes in your speech. If you get so worried about appealing to the snobbiest possible sensibilities the event will be a complete bore. Even if the wedding is technically executed perfectly, if it is boring no one will remember it fondly. Tell some jokes, do a silly dance, let people get tipsy, I say!

[Abyss]

Abyss said:

...

...can you tell i've done this entirely too many times...?

Vengeance, on 07 July 2014 - 04:30 PM, said:

Been a maid of honor?

And I'll have you know is was a damn pretty dress.

The first time, anyways. The second... 'seafoam'... honestly, wtf...

[Gnaw]

D, on 07 July 2014 - 04:45 PM, said:

I still think if there is a dedicated wedding planner/coordinator most of this is not something the maid of honour should be doing. I guess it doesn't hurt to have everyone's phone numbers, but if the bride suddenly remembers something she really wants the officiant to say, it shouldn't be the maid of honour who calls the officiant, the MoH should call the wedding planner and let them arrange it. Otherwise you end up with a handful of these people (MoH, BM, MotB, FotB, etc etc) who all think they need to pass along random information to different people and meanwhile the wedding planner is out of the loop of a ton of changes happening, and chaos ensues. Everything relating to the execution of the event itself should be funneled through the planner/coordinator so they can deal with conflicting requests and be the one person who knows everything that will happen.


Also, this whole needing to look after everyone else thing is no fun. If some of the bridesmaids are 17-yr old girls sneaking drinks from the bar, fine, be responsible about it and all that jazz, but CF hasn't indicated much any which way. If the bridesmaids are all adults let them look after themselves. If your family are fun folks who enjoy a laugh, go ahead and make tons of jokes in your speech. If you get so worried about appealing to the snobbiest possible sensibilities the event will be a complete bore. Even if the wedding is technically executed perfectly, if it is boring no one will remember it fondly. Tell some jokes, do a silly dance, let people get tipsy, I say!

Redundancy and cross-training. Two key elements of any successful military operation.

[worry]

Fill your speech with political opinions.

[QuickTidal]

D, on 07 July 2014 - 04:45 PM, said:

I still think if there is a dedicated wedding planner/coordinator most of this is not something the maid of honour should be doing.

Since I just got married, I can chime in on this specific point.

While the wedding planner is there to make sure everything logistically goes tickety boo, they (usually) don't know the bride or groom well enough to really know certain things. So even though we had hired someone to make sure of various things, both my wife and I looked to her sister (maid of honour) multiple times throughout the day for specific things. She knows her sister and can actually guess at answers to problems, while a planner has to wonder, find, ask, then solve...the maid of honour will simply "solve" because she knows. So I think the role felt split at our wedding. Like the logistical stuff (where folks sit, the tables are set correctly ect.) is very much in the wedding planner purview....while stuff like (who has the bouquets, boutineers and such, where the groom will be so that he doesn't see the bride, where is the bride's little trinket she needs to get married wearing ect.) is totally a maid of honour thing.

[Abyss]

upworthywort, on 07 July 2014 - 06:56 PM, said:

Fill your speech with political opinions.

Oh this, totally this.

Also, religion, pet neutering, child raising, gun control and if at all possible whether Han shot first, Edward or Jacob, and whether Rumble was red and Frenzy was blue or vice versa.

[Gnaw]

Abyss, on 07 July 2014 - 07:46 PM, said:

upworthywort, on 07 July 2014 - 06:56 PM, said:

Fill your speech with political opinions.

..whether Han shot first..

Of course he did. Only kool-aid swilling Lucasites will say otherwise.

[TheRetiredBridgeburner]

Abyss, on 07 July 2014 - 03:39 PM, said:

Let's make this very simple...

1. Ask you sister what she wants you to do.
2. Do that.

In all seriousness - that.

I've always quite liked the idea of the roles not being defined by gender. We had four weddings of various friends last year and bar the first all of them smacked of families being involved with "But you should do this...." at various stages. The best weddings are the ones where the happy couple have done things as they wanted and politely told everyone else to take their opinions elsewhere.

This post has been edited by TheRetiredBridgeburner: 07 July 2014 - 09:29 PM

[amphibian]

Except opinions about content and length of speeches.

No more than three minutes each and no embarrassing stories about the bride and groom however well meant, please.

[Abyss]

amphibian, on 07 July 2014 - 09:47 PM, said:

Except opinions about content and length of speeches.

No more than three minutes each and no embarrassing stories about the bride and groom however well meant, please.

YOU GET ONE JOKE. ONE.

[D'rek]

Abyss, on 08 July 2014 - 12:36 AM, said:

amphibian, on 07 July 2014 - 09:47 PM, said:

Except opinions about content and length of speeches.

No more than three minutes each and no embarrassing stories about the bride and groom however well meant, please.

YOU GET ONE JOKE. ONE.

Why are you guys so stuck on that? I've been to weddings where one of the speeches (a great one by the MotB comes to mind, actually) made lots of jokes at the bride or groom's expense and it went over fantastically with everyone. I'm sure there are families that wouldn't enjoy this, but why assume CF's is like that when you know nothing about them?

[Una]

1. No jokes at the couple's expense. It's fine if it goes over well, but if it goes over badly, it will go fantastically badly. Like, "one side of the family holding it against the other forever" badly. Like, it will get mentioned every Christmas and you might not be on speaking terms. The payoff simply isn't worth the risk. That's why we're so hung up about it. You joke any other time, it gets forgotten. You slight someone at a wedding, it lives forever. Seriously, a 3 minute speech on what you love about your sis and wishing her happiness is all anyone wants. Especially the 3 minute part.

2. I'm going to agree with QT about the wedding planner. Think of the wedding planner as the hired contractor. She has a relatively narrow role. She's hired to coordinate the event and that's it. You are basically your sister's right hand man. Her trusted lieutenant. And, to a great extent, her personal valet. You are there at her disposal for whatever she says she need and a whole bunch of things that she doesn't realize she needs yet. You take care of her and make sure she does not pass out from exhaustion, go crazy from stress, or embarass herself by walking down the aisle with lipstick stuck to her teeth. The reason I went on about all the girly stuff is because she's a bride and that means a lot of girly stuff needs doing. If everyone else is busy, it falls on you, so best be prepared.

3. I like the suggestion about food and water. Also the tide to go.

[Illuyankas]

Just don't do any jokes or tell any unedited tales that would upset a grandparent. Gentle mocking is fine balanced with gratuitous praise, and if you can only remember a story of, say, the groom on mushrooms tripping on a stepladder falling down a flight of stairs twice in a row, subtly suggest it was a slightly more legal and fluid substance and wax on about how they've grown as a person since then (like nowadays they'd only fall down once, to continue the metaphor). Don't be afraid to check with other family members to see if a given joke is appropriate or not, too.

[cerveza_fiesta]

first, sorry for not chiming back in here. A hurricane hit my city on Saturday and I probably won't have power at my house for at least another week, and phone service isn't expected for a week after that.

Second - thanks for the thoughtful responses. TBH I expected a lot more hilarious drivel from the Inn (but that's kinda why I put it here instead of discussions)...haha. I guess I should have framed things a bit better.

• My sister is a bit of a bitch about having things her way and no one plans on denying her her way whilst planning the wedding. Fortunately, her way is to have everything as utterly simple and non-stressful as possible.
• The wedding is happening in 1 month from today, on a Thursday evening, in a non-denominational venue (a nice old house by the river in my town).
• A justice of the Peace (court appointee) is performing the legal uninon so there's no religion involved whatsoever except I think one grandmother is saying a generic christian prayer of some sort to appease the 3 non-heathens that will be present.
• Should be about 30 people attending the ceremony - all close friends and relations greater than or equal to 1st cousin - both my sister and her man have small families.
• Reception is to be held in a bar downtown that they've closed off specifically for us (for free no less...bar owner owes the future father-in-law a favour).
• Organization is being handled almost entirely by my mother, my sister and her future mother-in-law and it's working out splendidly - no conflicts or issues to date.
• The dress is simplicity itself - no frills, no trains, no veils - nothing that a safety pin couldn't fix in 10 seconds.
• I doubt she'll even put on makeup - but that is full mom-territory and she will have the emergency kit.
• Matching mens' suits for the 2x groomsmen and me are already arranged and are being rented at a local shop
• Bachelorette / Stagette does not involve me whatsoever and is already planned, though I am going to volunteer to pick up and drive them around if needed. They're going to a beer festival downtown (the only planned stop) and all but my wife and one other girl live within walking distance anyway.

I think that covers most of people's concerns. So I think standing around during the ceremony, witnessing the license signing and a speech about sum up my duties. Pieces of advice I'll apply for sure:

• Stay sober and offer rides to guests that are leaving unless some plan is put in place for cabs or shuttles. Even then, probably stay pretty sober.
• Have a small repair kit - probably my domain as I'm the best seamstress (seamster?) among us.
• Pocket a couple of clean hankies. One for me and one for my sister. I'm such a wuss these days I'll probably be crying too.
• Make sure responsible parties have their respective emergency kits.
• The DJ will likely be my sister's ipod. I'll make a list with my sister and her man beforehand of what they want to hear and patrol the DJ station like a fucking hawk, warding against all mid-song tune-changers.

RE the speech - I get what people are saying. I'm still struggling to come up with a nice heartwarming story and have already abandoned the joke idea. I've heard the ONE JOKE advice before and I will definitely heed that. Thanks for the reminder.

The reception is the following weekend, and I'm not too worried about it - most folks attending are seasoned partiers and things will mostly handle themselves. Plan is to go to their camp, do a canoe run down a river, do some skeet shooting in the evening and then party all night. My role there is to organize the day's events, prevent excessive drunk driving and generally be the safety patrol.

[amphibian]

D, on 08 July 2014 - 03:23 AM, said:

Why are you guys so stuck on that? I've been to weddings where one of the speeches (a great one by the MotB comes to mind, actually) made lots of jokes at the bride or groom's expense and it went over fantastically with everyone. I'm sure there are families that wouldn't enjoy this, but why assume CF's is like that when you know nothing about them?

Because I've been to a wedding where someone tried to be a stand-up comedian and it failed and many weddings where someone went on for 10 minutes repetitively about how much they love the bride or groom and how life is going to be awesome. Inside jokes are also not recommended.

If someone wants to declare the undying love/future happiness of a couple for a long time, they should do it for the video cameras and not when everyone else has to pay attention to the speech and politely clap at the end, while wishing we'd been able to eat, drink, talk, dance and mingle instead of listening to that shmaltz.

[cerveza_fiesta]

amphibian, on 08 July 2014 - 04:03 PM, said:

D, on 08 July 2014 - 03:23 AM, said:

Why are you guys so stuck on that? I've been to weddings where one of the speeches (a great one by the MotB comes to mind, actually) made lots of jokes at the bride or groom's expense and it went over fantastically with everyone. I'm sure there are families that wouldn't enjoy this, but why assume CF's is like that when you know nothing about them?

Because I've been to a wedding where someone tried to be a stand-up comedian and it failed and many weddings where someone went on for 10 minutes repetitively about how much they love the bride or groom and how life is going to be awesome. Inside jokes are also not recommended.

If someone wants to declare the undying love/future happiness of a couple for a long time, they should do it for the video cameras and not when everyone else has to pay attention to the speech and politely clap at the end, while wishing we'd been able to eat, drink, talk, dance and mingle instead of listening to that shmaltz.

Knowing the crowd is paramount for sure. If the audience is 90% college friends who are in on the jokes, then it's a safe bet the jokes will go over well. If it's 90% distant relatives who haven't talked to the bride or groom in years, the jokes fall on deaf ears, or are just super embarassing for the bride/groom.

In my case, a heartfelt well-wishing to my sister and her husband is probably the best bet. His people will appreciate some restraint, my people will likely be drunk at that point and won't care either way as long as my sister is happy with it. The best man and groomsman are the groom's 2 younger brothers, and are sure to deliver a more unsavory speech than me, so no need for all of us to gang up.

I think I'll keep it relatively short too. When a speech is carefully crafted, you can deliver a lot of meaning in under 3 minutes. That's pretty common in small business pitching. More than an elevator pitch, but long enough to say what needs saying without some kind of audiovisual accompaniment. I've been at my share of weddings where the speeches went on for ages and you keep thinking "is it impolite for me to refill my drink in the middle of this boring-ass monologue?".

[Illuyankas]

Hell, get someone in the crowd with a watch to hold up however many fingers to show what minute you're on, if you're worried about overdoing it.

[cerveza_fiesta]

I refer to the business pitches because I've practiced quite a few of those lately. 3 minutes is enough for about 5-6x 3-line typed paragraphs on a page, delivered at a reasonable pace with some expression. More if you're speeding through, but that's kind of unnecessary here.

I'll probably base it on that framework and embellish where needed. I do have a buddy who'll be in attendance that I'd trust to gauge things and give me an honest "ok wrap it up" signal if needed. Good idea.