[Abyss]

Scottish sword swinging immortal vampire with a fake hand plus dragon tattoo. Ffs all he's missing is telepathy and maybe a wolf form.

[Mentalist]

Abyss, on 26 September 2013 - 09:45 PM, said:

Scottish sword swinging immortal vampire with a fake hand plus dragon tattoo. Ffs all he's missing is telepathy and maybe a wolf form.

They'll add those in book 25 and 47, respectively

[Dolmen 2.0]

Kaamos, on 26 September 2013 - 09:07 PM, said:

OMG!!! Sounds SO romantic!!! Must read!!!!:heart:

Let's see, I could listen to this brain-damaging atrocity OMG TEH BEST BOOK EVAH!!! on audio while drawing some wip(s) onwards during the weekend. This will prove...an intriguing experience.

I support this expedition into the vast and unknown.



The series is called The Love at Stake Series...She has a website.

http://www.kerrelyns...m/booklist.html

Book one is an instant favourite, How to Marry a Millionaire Vampire.

Other titles include:

A Very Vampy Christmas

Be Still My Vampire Heart

All I Want for Christmas is a Vampire

Eat Prey Love

and perhaps the most promising...

Vampires Gone Wild

This post has been edited by Dolmen+: 26 September 2013 - 10:54 PM

[HoosierDaddy]

If these aren't satirical then good lord she is the cheesiest woman alive. Even cheesier than Chester Cheetah.

[Macros]

Hbo? Isn't this more fox?

[Morgoth]

Macros, on 27 September 2013 - 06:38 AM, said:

Hbo? Isn't this more fox?

Have you not seen True Blood?

[Primateus]

Eat, Prey, Love?

That has got to be the best title of the lot. It's either great satire or incredibly cheezy.

[Kaamos]

Primateus, on 27 September 2013 - 07:08 AM, said:

It's either great satire or incredibly cheezy.

I shall take Dolmen+'s shark guardian, venture into the unknown, and report on my discoveries come Monday.

Should be sooo cute and romantic and induce many a wistful, swoony sigh! After all, I belong to the very target audience!!

[Macros]

Morgoth, on 27 September 2013 - 06:59 AM, said:

Macros, on 27 September 2013 - 06:38 AM, said:

Hbo? Isn't this more fox?

Have you not seen True Blood?

I don't watch a lot of tv. My HBO experience is Band of Brothers, Rome and Entourage.

[acesn8s]

The author's last name is Sparks? Sparks = sparkly? It is twilight, mixed with all those bodice rippers featuring the Highlanders...

Oh well, I guess I don't feel as guilty for reading all the Sharpe's novels... which I endearingly refer to as Men's Romances.

[Aptorian]

Abyss, on 26 September 2013 - 09:45 PM, said:

Scottish sword swinging immortal vampire with a fake hand plus dragon tattoo. Ffs all he's missing is telepathy and maybe a wolf form.

Vampires can also fly, use telekinises, telepathy and they can teleport.

[acesn8s]

Crustaceous Apt, on 27 September 2013 - 04:15 PM, said:

Abyss, on 26 September 2013 - 09:45 PM, said:

Scottish sword swinging immortal vampire with a fake hand plus dragon tattoo. Ffs all he's missing is telepathy and maybe a wolf form.

Vampires can also fly, use telekinises, telepathy and they can teleport.

Ninjas Vampires can breathe underwater! They can dodge bullets at point blank range! They can walk up the sides of buildings! They can install telephones!

[QuickTidal]

Crustaceous Apt, on 27 September 2013 - 04:15 PM, said:

Abyss, on 26 September 2013 - 09:45 PM, said:

Scottish sword swinging immortal vampire with a fake hand plus dragon tattoo. Ffs all he's missing is telepathy and maybe a wolf form.

Vampires can also fly, use telekinises, telepathy and they can teleport.

LOL! This book should be called OMNIPOTENCE: BECAUSE FUCK OFF by Cheesy McGoo

[Kaamos]

Status update, two hours into the audio book (holy Perkele, this is almost 10 hours long...). Thanks to the OP for this swell opportunity to fry two of my three blonde braincells into dysfunctional crisp. Dolmen's shark is guarding the last.

SPOILER WARNING FOR THOSE EAGERLY AWAITING FOR THE EXCITING PLOT TO UNFOLD!!!

Spoiler

The fine tale begins with the lead vampire attending a children's birthday party. A party for various half-vampire half-werepanther kids and toddlers; apparently the male "vamps" live in a kind of community with a couple of mortal wives. Everyone's either pregnant or herding a flock of their own. Lots of cooing over half-vampire toddlers. Half-vampire toddlers in highchairs. Aye, you read that correctly.
Also the vampire pack consists mostly of drop-gorgeous celebrities: one of the males is a famous fashion designer, one of the wives a president's daughter, yada yada...

The lead male's an impossibly handsome and perfectly muscled Scotsvampire a couple of centuries old with a dark, tortured past, a prosthetic metal hand, a kilt with nothing underneath, and a poofy Renaissance faire shirt. His dragon tattoo begins to burn when he sees this astonishing biologist-geneticist, a natural beauty with "creamy porcelain skin" and whose hair is described as "a glorious shimmering curtain that swayed with every move". She attended college at the age of 14, and, of course, sprouted from the loins of ooh-so-famous parents.

OHGODS HALP I'VE BEEN DROPPED INTO THE DEEPEST MARY SUE PIT OF FANFICTION.NET AAAAAH

Some very loose background plot about this geneticist having been invited to the community to study the dna of some poor mortal sods an evil vampire lord in China has mutated into something vile and yada yada. Mostly it's building up romantic tension between her and the Scotsvampire. He gets a stiffy from her eating a strawberry, and mutilates a blowup doll. There's some humor, mostly innuendo leading to the inevitable. Overall, it reads like a Twilight spinoff fanfiction.

After two hours, they're STILL COOING OVER THE VAMPIRE BABIES. GAAAH HELP. D-,:

Also I've learned to hate hate hate the word "bubblyblood" till now.

[Dolmen 2.0]

Hmmmn.

I'm starting to worry for your health.

[Aptorian]

I'm about 2/3 through the book. No action yet. Just two people pining for one another and waffling between oh gods I love him/her so, what if she doesn't reciprocate and oh noes we cannot be together because I am too pained by my troubled past and my incredibly hypersensitive sexual drive.

What is worrying is that it's not actually so bad once you recognize the formula and the intent of the author. I sort of want to read some of the earlier books because I suspect this book may actually be dedicated to giving the protagonist a love interest where the earlier books have been focused on other Vampires and their background stories.

I think I may have Stockholm syndrome. Or should I say Blockholm syndrome, which is a synthetic blood version of Stockholm syndrome that Vampires can get.

This post has been edited by Crustaceous Apt: 28 September 2013 - 02:58 PM

[Kaamos]

I'm beginning to worry about my health too. ;_; Apt is MUCH braver.

I don't usually read this type of literature. Not entirely estrogen-less, however; I can enjoy a romance when executed well with believable characters. But Mary Sue + Musclebound Scotsvampire does not click.

I read the synopses of some of the previous volumes, and it seems they each contain a formulaic vampire/mortal woman lovetangle with changing characters. I wonder if those now flaunting with their babies are some throwaway personas from the other stories.

[Aptorian]

Kaamos, on 28 September 2013 - 02:46 PM, said:

I wonder if those now flaunting with their babies are some throwaway personas from the other stories.

I think that is exactly it. Presidents daughter needs to be saved and the Vampire marries her. Angel falls from Heaven and the Vampire marries her. Some weredolphin washes up on the beach and the Vampire rapes its carcass and buries the body in the forest ... erh, marries her. Basically, Vampire men are easy. Especially the ones from Scotland.

This post has been edited by Crustaceous Apt: 28 September 2013 - 03:03 PM

[Kaamos]

Gahahahah yes I forgot to make a note about the weredolphin!

I was just hiking in Scotland and didn't meet any easy musclebound vampires in kilts.

[Dolmen 2.0]

How does a were Dolphin...work? Dolphin by moonlight?

I'm noticing actual content review in this thread which is a general win for the spirit of literature. Not so much for its actual body though.

Edit:

The Scottish kilt pitching vampires are a shy people. you need to speak their language, which in this case would be tearing your blouse open, running away screaming for help and inevitably falling over a pebble.

This post has been edited by Dolmen+: 28 September 2013 - 05:44 PM