[HoosierDaddy]

Crustaceous Apt, on 28 September 2013 - 02:21 PM, said:

I'm about 2/3 through the book. No action yet. Just two people pining for one another and waffling between oh gods I love him/her so, what if she doesn't reciprocate and oh noes we cannot be together because I am too pained by my troubled past and my incredibly hypersensitive sexual drive.

What is worrying is that it's not actually so bad once you recognize the formula and the intent of the author. I sort of want to read some of the earlier books because I suspect this book may actually be dedicated to giving the protagonist a love interest where the earlier books have been focused on other Vampires and their background stories.

I think I may have Stockholm syndrome. Or should I say Blockholm syndrome, which is a synthetic blood version of Stockholm syndrome that Vampires can get.

Apt. Get ahold of yourself.

Form a line and start the slapping a la Airplane!

[amphibian]

Dolmen+, on 28 September 2013 - 05:41 PM, said:

How does a were Dolphin...work? Dolphin by moonlight?

That were-dolphin thing is a genius innovation, even if it doesn't make sense.

I think outside of were-panthers or were-tigers, were-dolphins probably appeal the most to the audience clamoring for more Laurell K. Hamilton books (and reading this series as well). Dolphins are beloved among many, despite their status as mostly ruthless sea predators.

I'm enjoying all this. Thank you, Apt.

[Kaamos]

Dolmen+, on 28 September 2013 - 05:41 PM, said:

The Scottish kilt pitching vampires are a shy people. you need to speak their language, which in this case would be tearing your blouse open, running away screaming for help and inevitably falling over a pebble.

In all seriousness, this does read much like Twilight, and suffers from some of the same problems.

For one, the excessively beautiful/talented protagonists: who can identify themselves with such unreal portrayals? Used to (liking) such female characters as Granny Weatherwax, Linden Avery, and Samar Dev, to name a few, I just cannot understand what appeal these shallow throwaway heroines have. Bella Swann over again. I've taken some quick glances at the Goodreads reviews of this novel and some others, and generally they appear to teeter towards five stars. What brilliance do people find in this to rate it so high? Granted, there is some humor and I've chuckled a couple of times, but rolled my eyes more than that.

Secondly, the language. I believe the author was attempting a serious romantic scene with the male lead kissing the girl after she'd picked up his bagpipes (and I mean the actual ones you play with...erm...that didn't sound any better...). I burst out laughing at the description "she leaned against the hard rock of his chest", and that just ruined it. Stephanie Meyer utilized similar descriptions about Edward Cullen: "granite arms", "stone chest"... In that case, I was often too occupied sniggering at the terrible quality of the prose to get anything out of the kissy-kissy smoochyscenes.


Now I wonder if I could write a best-selling romance novel about an immortal were-mosquito Viking with a dark, torturous past, and a Mika Häkkinen English accent.

This post has been edited by Kaamos: 28 September 2013 - 06:32 PM

[Mentalist]

Kaamos, on 28 September 2013 - 06:30 PM, said:

Dolmen+, on 28 September 2013 - 05:41 PM, said:

The Scottish kilt pitching vampires are a shy people. you need to speak their language, which in this case would be tearing your blouse open, running away screaming for help and inevitably falling over a pebble.

Now I wonder if I could write a best-selling romance novel about an immortal were-mosquito Viking with a dark, torturous past, and a Mika Häkkinen English accent.

only one way to find out.

When you're a millionaire, use your newfound influence to endorse some good literature.

[HoosierDaddy]

Vampires are soooo 2005. You should go with a Swamp Thing. A brooding, tortured by his past, and slightly mildewy creature from a bog.

[Aptorian]

Here's the the thing. Going in to it you need to know what you're reading. This is a formulaic, intentionally vapid and romantic attempt at cashing in on the vampire romance/urban fantasy genre that is, I am guessing, by far the the most popular genre and the easiest one to write for. This is fantasy ice cream. Easily digestible and sweet, few calories and it will make your brain dumber.

Knowing that, you sort of have to admire some of the stuff the author is pulling off. There's a lot of tongue in cheek stuff in the book, some of it approaching slap stick comedy. She's written 14 books since 2005 all of them have goofy titles and you can tell from the blurb that this is intentionally campy. I have yet to finish the book, I have some 16% left to read but I would compare this book to an episode of Vampire diaries or something similar. Most of the book revolves around the romantic sparks flying between the two protagonists who also provide the two POVs. This makes the content simple. One POV plays off another as the two character react each others next move. In the back drop you have the relationships that refer to prior episodes and sympathetic characters you can relate to but don't really serve any other purpose than to bounce script advancing narrative off of. Towards the end of the book bad things have happened and the hero is scrambling to save the day.

Reading the book it feels like you've stumbled into a TV series in the middle of the season. There's a ton of stuff that has happened and lots of vocabulary and creatures you should know by now but haven't seen before now. But it's pretty safe and easily digestible because everything is built on stuff you've seen before.

[HoosierDaddy]

It's bad and you should feel bad for trying to make us think it's not bad.

[Aptorian]

Oh, it's bad, don't get me wrong. It's the kind of story that gives the fantasy genre a bad name and the writing is sub par but I recognize the appeal. I would actually like to hear what a woman thought of it. Preferable both somebody in their teens and somebody older because the book is obviously not written to appeal to a man, there's far too little sword fighting and weredolphin assassinating going on.

EDIT: You know what? I'd love to read somebody like Charles Stross or somebody similar write a book about a crack team of weredolphin commandos who do amphibious assaults on nefarious bad guys.

This post has been edited by Crustaceous Apt: 28 September 2013 - 07:08 PM

[Kaamos]

Crustaceous Apt, on 28 September 2013 - 07:02 PM, said:

I would actually like to hear what a woman thought of it.

Ahem...you do have a woman in her early 30's in this thread...

[Aptorian]

Come now Kaamos, I know Primateus can be a bit of a pussy some times, but's no reason to call him a woman. Uncool

Spoiler

This post has been edited by Crustaceous Apt: 28 September 2013 - 07:11 PM

[Kaamos]

Sorry.

They do say listening to Viking metal makes even a pink porcelain kitty grow chest hair and grab a battle axe, so I guess I've become unfit to review romance novels ages ago.

[Illuyankas]

I now have 'viking romance novels' on my Amazon search history thanks to you.

[Aptorian]

Finished it. Liked the ending a lot... in a sappy romantic vampire story kind of way.

I can't say I wouldn't read another book in the series but there's a lot of better books out there, like the Yellow Pages or Wizards First Rule.

[Macros]

read stolen fruits Illy, you know you want to

I had a discussion (me ranting) with a few people last year about how shit like this and twilight is awful. It clogs up shelf space and is piss poorly written, it then leads to publishers green lighting a load of similar shit so more original ideas and probably better written work gets shunted down the line or not picked up at all.

Then a girl tried to say that fifty shades of shite was actually a well written romance story, it just had gotten a bad reputation from the media.

I stopped at that point, there was clearly no hope

[Illuyankas]

Hmm yes why would "horrible abusive rich asshole bullies immature teenager into signing NDA to prevent her going for help and 'consent' form for constant degrading sexual acts she doesn't enjoy or want to do plus stalking plus mispresentation of actual S&M relationships: the Twilight fanfiction novel" get a bad rep

[worry]

Those of you doubting the power of the weredolphin need to up your Lisa Frank game.

[amphibian]

Kaamos, on 28 September 2013 - 07:22 PM, said:

Sorry.

They do say listening to Viking metal makes even a pink porcelain kitty grow chest hair and grab a battle axe, so I guess I've become unfit to review romance novels ages ago.

You're like Cheery Littlebottom come to life.

[Dolmen 2.0]

amphibian, on 29 September 2013 - 03:51 AM, said:

Kaamos, on 28 September 2013 - 07:22 PM, said:

Sorry.

They do say listening to Viking metal makes even a pink porcelain kitty grow chest hair and grab a battle axe, so I guess I've become unfit to review romance novels ages ago.

You're like Cheery Littlebottom come to life.

Example of said Kitten:



Honestly? If someone made a movie of such a thing...it would be perfect. Just...flawless.

[Kaamos]

amphibian, on 29 September 2013 - 03:51 AM, said:

Kaamos, on 28 September 2013 - 07:22 PM, said:

Sorry.

They do say listening to Viking metal makes even a pink porcelain kitty grow chest hair and grab a battle axe, so I guess I've become unfit to review romance novels ages ago.

You're like Cheery Littlebottom come to life.

I plaited some pastel-colored ribbons and Hello Kitty charms into my beard to make my opinion more credible. Oh, and dug out the battleaxe with rose-and-sunflower engravings instead of skulls.

An animated movie with warrior kittens would be cool!

On to the book: I'm three hours short of the ending; unfortunately cannot speed up audio books lest it sound like chipmunks. It's a wee bit better than Twilight: at least the boyfriend isn't an obsessive-possessive jerk ready to demolish Leiah's property when she's unsure about the relationship. Yet that's about it. It reads akin to an idle daydream, the equivalent of cheap softcore porn with a nondescript plot thrown in to tie together the loveydoveyness and pining for each other. The sexy Scotsvampire has huge bagpipes, knows how to please a woman till she moans with ecstasy not hitherto experienced, is superhumanly ready for another round in a couple of minutes. Perfect sex and love on the first sight. I guess it's meant to...well, arouse the female reader, but I found myself rolling my eyes for the most part. I keep emphasizing the choice of language: holy Taara and Perkele above, do not use depictions like "her tongue danced with his" and "he found the curve of her rump a paradise" or make them repeat phrases like "holy crapoli" while copulating. Nonononono. It's NOT arousing, and like I did with Twitlight et al, I find such digiwaste an insult to my intelligence.

H'okay, it's formulaic, fluff-padded porn, but an author would achieve better results with the desired effect by 1) having a deep-voiced male reader on the audio book 2) giving the story a proper plot, length, character development, emotional weight, unpredictability, and reducing the amount of peeking beneath the kilt to turn the romantic scenes more...striking. Fine, nothing wrong with for instance choosing the old Beauty & the Beast trope for a basis with some fantastic elements, but subvert stereotypes, give the characters flaws and credibility, don't make the protagonist a namby-pamby milksop demigod and the leading lady a helpless squealing minus-one-dimensional Mary Sue. Blargh. And GODS BELOW DON'T COO OVER THE HALF-ANGEL HALF-VAMPIRE HALF-WEREPENGUIN BABY AGAIN GAAAH D: Put in some exciting swordfights instead. Cheery Littlebottom likes swordfights.

But, as the occasional crack reading this is fun. It's so bad it's unintentionally hilarious.


(Speaking of the Swamp Thing, I ordered parts 1-3 of Alan Moore's collected version a couple of weeks back and they should arrive soon-ish. Everything takes a long while to reach this hinterland of the universe.)

This post has been edited by Kaamos: 29 September 2013 - 03:16 PM

[Tiste Simeon]

Kaamos, on 28 September 2013 - 03:05 PM, said:

Gahahahah yes I forgot to make a note about the weredolphin!

I was just hiking in Scotland and didn't meet any easy musclebound vampires in kilts.

I'm sure one day your no handed musclebound vampire prince with his insta-orgasm touch and pet were-dolphin will come. Just keep believing!