Malazan Empire: funniest parts of the series - Malazan Empire

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funniest parts of the series if there's a saddest thread, why not a funniest! Rate Topic: -----

#41 User is offline   foolio 

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Posted 09 April 2010 - 04:13 PM

Morgora-"what would you do if i said I was pregnant?"
Pust "I would kill the mule."
I have seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter at the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain...."
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#42 User is offline   Garak 

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Posted 09 April 2010 - 04:14 PM

Pust's duel with Kruppe. That whole thing had me in stitches.
The meaning of life is BOOM!!!
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#43 User is offline   a Perfect Rake 

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Posted 09 April 2010 - 05:11 PM

 foolio, on 09 April 2010 - 04:13 PM, said:

Morgora-"what would you do if i said I was pregnant?"
Pust "I would kill the mule."


Easily the most memorable funny scene for me. I've laughed really hard just talking about that scene with some people I know who also read Malaz.
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#44 User is offline   rannald 

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Posted 09 April 2010 - 06:53 PM

this isnt my favorite funny scene but it's one that occured to me just there, and i cant find my book to get it exactly right
but when toc died and hes talking too hood
and it was somthing like "so if im dead why dosnt my eye work"
hood just turns to him and says "i dont know"
"fcking wolves"
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#45 User is offline   Use Of Weapons 

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Posted 10 April 2010 - 03:51 PM

In DoD, Hellian has some classic lines.

"Hey, you corporal, get over here. You too, Probbly."
"It's Maybe."
"No, I've made up my mind."
It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things against one, behind one's back, that are absolutely and entirely true.
-- Oscar Wilde
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#46 User is offline   Ozymandiac 

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Posted 10 April 2010 - 04:07 PM

High Marshalls stealing dung in MoI.
"Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away."
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#47 User is offline   Furion 

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Posted 10 April 2010 - 05:10 PM

" 'My worshippers! Of course! You! Yes, you! Gather your kin and attack the fat fool! Attack! Your god commands you! Attack!'

'Mlawhlaoblossblayowblagmilebbingoblaiblblafblablallblayarblablabnablahblallblah!'

'What?'

'Bla?'

'Bla?'

'Yarb?'

'Bah! You're stupid and useless and ugly!'

'Blabluablablablahllalalabala, too!'

Iskaral Pust Scowled at it. The bhokaral scowled back.


The moment I realized Pust had a conversation with a bhokarala, I could hardly breathe I was laughing so hard.
Till shade is gone, till water is gone, into the Shadow with teeth bared, screaming defiance with the last breath,
to spit in Sightblinders eye on the last day.
May you shelter in the palm of the Creator"s hand, and may the last embrace of the Mother welcome you home.
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#48 User is offline   Theotendo 

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Posted 18 April 2010 - 10:48 AM

DoD

Gooseneck.
...I think I stepped in something...untoward...
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#49 User is offline   Ulrik 

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Posted 18 April 2010 - 11:23 AM

HoC (after surviving Morant munition attack)

Lying on the smoking edge of the crater, sprayed in horseflesh and deafened by the blast, Jorrude groaned. He was a mass of bruises, his head ached, and he wanted to throw up—but not until he pried the helm from his head.

Nearby in the rubble, Brother Enias coughed. Then said, 'Brother Jorrude?'

'Yes?'

'I want to go home.'

Jorrude said nothing. It would not do, after all, to utter a hasty, heartfelt agreement, despite their present circumstance. 'Check on the others, Brother Enias.'

'Were those truly the ones who rode that ship through our realm?'

'They were,' Jorrude answered as he fumbled with the helm's straps. 'And I have been thinking. I suspect they were ignorant of Liosan laws when they travelled through our realm. True, ignorance is an insufficient defence. But one must consider the notion of innocent momentum.'

From off to one side, Malachar grunted. 'Innocent momentum?'

'Indeed. Were not these trespassers but pulled along—beyond their will—in the wake of the draconian T'lan Imass bonecaster? If an enemy we must hunt, then should it not be that dragon?'

'Wise words,' Malachar observed.

'A brief stay in our realm,' Jorrude continued, 'to resupply and requisition new horses, along with repairs and such, seems to reasonably obtain in this instance.'

'Truly judged, brother.'

From the other side of the crater sounded another cough.

At least, Jorrude dourly reflected, they were all still alive.

It's all the dragon's fault, in fact. Who would refute that?

This post has been edited by Ulrik: 18 April 2010 - 11:24 AM

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#50 User is offline   Seras 

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Posted 19 April 2010 - 05:16 AM

"Everything stinks Sergeant. Feel this cloth - its oily"

"That's what keeps 'em waterproof-"

"Not this stuff. This stuff smells like a lizard's armpit."

Fiddler stared at Bottle, wondering when the fool last jammed his nose into a lizard's armpit, then decided that some questions just should never be asked.

a short while later...

"Dragon"

"Do dragons smell like rhizan armpits?"

"How the Hood should I know?" Bottle demanded

"Calm down, sorry I asked"

"Look at her"

"What about her?"

"Reminds me of my other."

Gesler's hands twitched, closed into fists. "Don't even think it, Stormy."

"Can't help it. She does-"

"No she doesn't. Your mother had red hair-"

"Not the point. Around her eyes, see it? You should know, Ges, you went and bedded her enough times-"

"That was an accident-"

"A what?"

"I mean, how did I know she went around seducing your friends?"

"She didn't. Just you."

"But you said-"

"So I lied! I was trying to make you feel better! No, fuck that, I was trying to make you feel like you're nobody important - your head's swelled up bad
enough as it is. Anyway, it don't matter any more, does it? Forget it. I forgave you, remember-"

"You were drunk and we'd just thrashed in an alley trying to kill each other-"

"Then I forgave you. Forget it, I said."

"I wish I could! Now you go and say this one looks like-"

"But she does!"

"I know she does! Now just shut the fuck up! We ain't - we ain't-"

"Yes were are. You know it, Ges. You don't like it, but you know it. We been cut loose. We got us a destiny. Right here. Right now. She's Destriant and
you're Shield Anvil and I'm Mortal Sword."

"Wrong away around" Gesler snarled "I'm the Mortal Sword."

"Good. Glad we got that settled. Now get her to cook us something-"

"Oh, is that what Destriants do, then? Cook for us?"

"I'm hungry and I got no food!"

"Then ask her. Politely."

Stormy scowled at Kalyth

"Trader tongue." Gesler said.

Instead, Stormy pointed at his mouth and then patted his stomach.

Kalyth said "You eat."

"Hungry, aye."

"Food" she said, nodding, and then pointed to a small leather satchel to one side.

Gesler laughed.

Kalyth then rose. "They come."

"Who come?" Gesler asked.

"K'Chain Che'Malle. Army. Soon...war."

At that moment Gesler felt the trembling ground underfoot. Stormy did the same and as one they both turned to face north.

Fener's holy crotch.

Lives and loves, the gamut of existence was marked by such things. A breaking of paths, the ragged, uneven ever-forward stumble. Blood dried, eventually. Turned to dust. The corpses of kings were laid down and sealed in darkness and set away, to be forgotten. Graves were dug for fallen soldiers, vast pits like mouths in the earth, opened in hunger, and all the bodies were tumbled down, each exhaling a last gasp of lime dust. Survivors grieved, for a time, and looked upon empty rooms and empty beds, the scattering of possessions no-one possessed any longer, and wondered what was to come, what would be written anew on the wiped-clean slate. Wondering, how can I go on?
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#51 User is offline   M'ichael 

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Posted 19 April 2010 - 10:32 AM

Deadhouse Gates, nobody has seen the captain of the sappers and finally Coltaine "promotes" him to seargent.:D

Something like this: Coltaine: "You are now seargeant" Soldier: "Sir, this was our Captain" or so...

This post has been edited by M'ichael: 19 April 2010 - 10:34 AM

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#52 User is offline   Chairsaurus 

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Posted 10 May 2010 - 08:41 AM

There are a number of scenes that have made me put down the boook and laugh out loud, even if i'm by myself. A few Bugg / Tehol scenes come to mind... However, the one that made me laugh harder than any other involves Master Quell's Trade Guild Troupe. It is the scene from the perspective of the driver (drawing a blank on his name right now). The initial focus is his inability to see, and his technique for avoiding this defect in his ability to handle the team of horses... and ends up with a detailed description of the horses gracefully leaping over a rock wall... one which his bench seat was not able to clear.

Hallarious.

I honestly thought i was crying the first time i read it.
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#53 User is offline   worry 

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Posted 10 May 2010 - 09:26 AM

From a Bauchelain and Korbal Broach novella:

There's a scene in Blood Follows where Emancipoor Reese is drunk, goes into B&KB's hotel where a bowl is set out in worship of D'rek, and he peeks into it. It's filled with white worms who are now pink after dining on blood, which triggers his gag reflex, causing him to vomit directly into the bowl. Finally the innkeeper comes in and is angry to see a drunk, to which Reese replies he just gave D'rek a quick offering. It's vile and hilarious.
They came with white hands and left with red hands.
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#54 User is offline   haroos 

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Posted 12 May 2010 - 08:35 PM

i liked the part where the rath'treak from MoI demands that gruntle acts as mortal swords, he tells him that war is his buisness, and gruntly says
that it isn't, so the priest asks him what it is to him and gruntle says :

"a hobby" and the priest is shocked "a... a hobby ?"

also from GotM when dujek walks into the building occupied by WJ and troop and the first things he says :
"fiddler, is that your sword ... in a puddle ??"
(which is even funnier later in the book when WJ thinks about hedge and fiddler as terrible soldiers.

This post has been edited by haroos: 12 May 2010 - 08:42 PM


#55 User is offline   foolio 

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Posted 07 June 2010 - 06:35 PM

two parts that i have recently come across.

1 in MT When Bugg and tehol are having shoe sole soup, straight guy Brys comes along and they get him so discombobulated that he agrees to a half bowl of it for himslef, Bugg and tehol exchange pleased glances over his shoulder....



2 in RG I think it is Throatslitter obseving a discussion in Brullygs palace, mentally commenting on what everyone is doing finally he gets to Skorgen"the pretty" and Skorgen(or is it korgen) pulls out a huge finger full of gunk out of his ear and eats it.....next time we get a POV in that group it is shurq saying she had to send her first mate back to the ship.
I have seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter at the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain...."
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#56 User is offline   worry 

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Posted 07 June 2010 - 08:12 PM

This thread has a disturbing lack of Greyfrog.
They came with white hands and left with red hands.
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#57 User is offline   Defiance 

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Posted 07 June 2010 - 09:51 PM

In TtH, when Shadowthrone and Cotillion meet Tulas Shorne.

"Saw his head off, Cotillion. I hate him already."
uhm, that should be 'stuff.' My stiff is never nihilistic.
~Steven Erikson


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#58 User is offline   Daeghrefn 

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Posted 08 June 2010 - 12:59 AM

The Tehol/Ublala comedic team has been mentioned, but I found this gem in MT today:

Quote

'Ublala, these women require a bodyguard. I assume you accepted the offer from Shand-'
'I thought it was just her.'
'And that makes a difference?'
'Makes it harder.'


It's nice to know that Erikson, for all his philosophical rambling, isn't above a nice double entendre.
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#59 User is offline   GruntlesTigerFangs 

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Posted 08 June 2010 - 09:43 AM

Ublala Pung is always a fantastic character to follow around.
When he finally remembers what Karsa told him to do (the army) ...."'A big one!' shouted Ublal,as is unaware that the conversation in the throne room had moved on. 'I want Captain Shurq Elalle. because she's friendly and she likes sex. Oh, and I need money for food and chickens, too. and boot polish to make an army. Can I get All that?'"...

To many funny parts and the greatest ones have pretty much been said...Love these books
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#60 User is offline   onehitwunder 

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Posted 09 June 2010 - 05:51 AM

In DoD when the emlava cubs run from onrac cause they think he doesn't want them to hunt. When really he doesn't give a shit. Don't know why but that seemed really funny to me

Edit: nvm there grown up now

This post has been edited by onehitwunder: 09 June 2010 - 05:52 AM

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