[Ain't_It_Just_]

Seriously, Zanth, try and get back together-hook up, as you say. Don't let this one go. And see what her reaction is. Try and ease into it.

Lady's luck to you.

P.S.: Did you find out who spread those nasty rumours?

[Stradivarius]

if you did and find out it was a bloke then obviously he's jealous and there is only one thing you can do!
no not forgive him and forget about it.

beat him to a pulp to make sure he gets the idea never to do it again back stabbing bastard!!!

[amphibian]

HoosierDaddy, on Apr 28 2009, 01:29 AM, said:

Moral high ground is fantastic and all, but it doesn't make the problem disappear. Agree, though, that girl is first priority (although by this point if this is me I've already said adieu.)

What I mean is "Don't do anything stupid or wrong for a while" and "Be open about what you're doing and why you're doing it."

It won't make the problem disappear, but it's hard to spread further rumors if the truth is already out there and it's mostly boring. Gives one time to deal with the problem more fully and at your own leisure.

[frookenhauer]

So she practically breaks up with you and dates someone else and then decides she likes you more and then and tells you about the story surrounding your many dalliances as a way of explaining why she dumped you for the guy that happened to be hanging around her while you were off doing military stuff. I dunno pal, the order in which the events are happening is a little off. Most girls that dig you would more than likely confront you with the dread news and do something about it.

What she's gone and done is pretty f'd up, but there is also the fact to consider that you were away and she was probably pining and let's call him jim, jim came round with a a couple of bottles if lambrini and top gun and one thing led to another and...and now she's in a situation where she done cheated on you and to make it all alright she decides to dump you so it's not cheating any more, phew problem solved, I ain't a bitch no more.

Or any other number of scenarios! So if you reckon your revenge shag and it's buddies levels the playing field... It might be an idea to go back and give it another shot, cos she obviously likes you more than guy no. 2. Oh and if she's fit and has a great rack, why are you even asking us silly questions?

[Zanth13]

I narrowed it to those 2 options to Frook, and I guess thats something im going to have to figure out from a real conversation, i hope its option 2, which i guess is the less evil of the 2?

@apt and frook

finding a good looking female who puts out is not that hard, the hard part (for me) is finding one who I can stand to be around and enjoy being with... lol,

well its not that easy, but not hard enough for me to factor that into the equation, I know worse case I can find another girl.

@aij, no i didnt find out who spread them, I'm going to leave that alone for now, I dont think it will help,

I dont know the guy (at least I probably dont) so i wont be beating anybody up, lord knows in my past ive probably done worse things then him. He probably knows nothing about me.

This post has been edited by Zanth13: 28 April 2009 - 05:12 PM

[RodeoRanch]

Run.

[Raymond Luxury Yacht]

I think you might just want to call it a day on this one. You'll never know exactlly what happened and if she's being totally honest. The circumstances are just not right. I don't know if she's entirely to blame here, I would guess that if you had heard that she was fooling around a lot you might have moved on yourself, although not talking to you about it is kind of a low blow that might indicate a lack of trust or connection.

Here is my adviice though. Things got screwed up because of circumstances beyond either of your control. No one's fault but those spreading the rumors, and the 800 miles doesn't help either. You like her though, so I recommend not burning any bridges. There might come a time when circumstances are better, and you might end up glad you left at least the possibility open of trying again someday. So be nice about it. Who knows, if you respectfully and calmly tell her that you hold no grudges but things are too cocked up to continue, she might decide that she needs to drop all her other suitors and be with the mature one who respects her (that would be you.)

Besides the particulars of this situation, long-distance relationships (which will be referred to as LDR from here on in the interest of brevity) are tricky. I've done them before, both correctly and completely wrong. My philosophy on a LDR is this: it's only worth it and sustainable if there is a concrete predetermined end to the long-distance part. Gives you a goal and whatnot. If she's not worth moving to be with, she's not worth the hassle of the LDR. Here's the rub though. If a girl is worth moving across the country for, you had better be at least willing to entertain the possibility of marrying her. This sounds drastic, but why else would you uproot your whole life? For the record, I went for the LDR, had a predetermined time to move to be with her, ad we'll be married three years in May.

~RLY always nose what is best for the forum members

[Slum]

Raymond Luxury Yacht, on Apr 28 2009, 01:35 PM, said:

~RLY always nose what is best for the forum members

I see what you did there, and I approve.

[Dolmen 2.0]

Not gonna say much coz I go by gut feel.

I think the LDR theory RLY got above makes sense...but marrying a person that seeks comfort from others, or moving anywhere for them for that matter smacks me as wrong.

I know far too many friends that come back expecting the same relationship with a girl after an LDR but trust me after all the drama chances of it staying the same are close to 0.

question you have to ask yourself Zanth is are you okay with her complications? and can you deal with the issues this will create everytime you get into a fight or something?

after all love aint trying to make everything right, lts hanging around in spite of all the things that go wrong...

(just my two cents hehe)

[tiam]

similar thing happened to me. In current relationship i start really liking girl next door (yes cliche) and she likes me back. Snag? She has a year long boyfriend. We get to talking and she goes in for the kiss which i refuse. This is over the course of like 2-3months btw. anyway one thing led to another one night when i wasnt quite so gentlemanly and we ended up fumbling not conoodling byt fumbling. We have long talks were i say she shud stay with her boyfriend thn say i really want her which i did. She breaks up with him gets with me but is racked with guilt for cheating on him with me. He sends her abusive texts and what not not helping situation. Our relationship wasn going well, mostly because of this and she decides that shes stil in love with him and breaks up with me and goes back to london to try an patch things up with him which worked. However they then find it hard to carry on as he stuggled to forgive her and she wanted me again. Anyway she breaks up with him comes back to me and i took her back. Weve now been going out for a few months more and are stuttering along a bit with trouble looming but were doing the best we can to get through it.

Morale of story- If you take her back youll always think your second choice (trust me) but if you dont follow it up youll never know what could have been. Depends how much ure into her and how forgiving you are. Personally in relationships im soft as shite

This post has been edited by tiam: 28 April 2009 - 06:19 PM

[Macros]

Most of my advice regarding woman is of little use in this situation, but gun to my head, I'd have to say first up, talking marriage here is a little off so early no?
take her out for dinner and see what happens, set the awkward gauge up and get some readings.

[Zanth13]

Well it Ill be back in her area next week, it was a short term LDR, I went home on leave, met her, went back to colorado to finish getting out of the army and I am almost done, and after that I head back down to Texas near her,

im thinking the amicable end is the best per RLY and a few others, but I still have to see how our conversation goes, were suppose to talk tonight,

marraige is not on the horizon for this guy anytime soon... but that doesnt mean I dont want a meaninful serious relationship.

@domen, good question can i really deal with the complications... i dont know, right now i feel like i want to try, if at all possible

[amphibian]

tiam, on Apr 28 2009, 02:18 PM, said:

similar thing happened to me. In current relationship i start really liking girl next door (yes cliche) and she likes me back. Snag? She has a year long boyfriend. We get to talking and she goes in for the kiss which i refuse. This is over the course of like 2-3months btw. anyway one thing led to another one night when i wasnt quite so gentlemanly and we ended up fumbling not conoodling byt fumbling. We have long talks were i say she shud stay with her boyfriend thn say i really want her which i did. She breaks up with him gets with me but is racked with guilt for cheating on him with me. He sends her abusive texts and what not not helping situation. Our relationship wasn going well, mostly because of this and she decides that shes stil in love with him and breaks up with me and goes back to london to try an patch things up with him which worked. However they then find it hard to carry on as he stuggled to forgive her and she wanted me again. Anyway she breaks up with him comes back to me and i took her back. Weve now been going out for a few months more and are stuttering along a bit with trouble looming but were doing the best we can to get through it.

Morale of story- If you take her back youll always think your second choice (trust me) but if you dont follow it up youll never know what could have been. Depends how much ure into her and how forgiving you are. Personally in relationships im soft as shite

You're like 17 or something right?

High school is supposed to be full of idiotic stuff like this, because a) you're horrible at figuring out what you really want and you're horrible at actually communicating with others about what you want.

I never got why people would want to have a serious relationship with someone who cheated on their significant other to be with you. In the vast majority of cases, it doesn't end well.

[Raymond Luxury Yacht]

Of course marriage is premature to discuss in this case. I mentioned it in the context that the only reason to subject yourself to a LDR is if you see a significant future with the other person. If casual dating is the goal, there's no reason to go out of state for that.

Referring back to my own personal example, my then-girlfriend moved after we had only been together for 6 months. I had to decide if she was worth the angst of a LDR. To determine that, I had to figure out if she was worth moving for to be with. To decide that, I had to figure out if I could see a serious future together, because if I couldn't, why move? So, finally, to decide that, I had to think if I could at least entertain the possibility of someday marrying her. In the end, the answer to all the questions was yes, she was worth it and yes, I could see a future. All this at six months. That's not to say I had decided to marry her at that point, but I had certainly realized I was at least open to the possibility in the future. We did a LDR for a year, then I moved and we basically lived together for three years before I proposed.

~RLY, forgot his point.

[alestar]

If you love someone, set them free. If they comback, they are yours...if they don't, hunt them down and kill them.

[Sinisdar Toste]

i think the fact that not one female member has responded to this thread speaks volumes... though about what im not sure.. we could use the othersides perspective.

anyways, my advice is just to reiterate the, "its too cocked up, don't expect miracles, how can you trust her and ixnay the furious vengeance" positions

[Zanth13]

lol all the vengence stuff has more to do with A. the first letter I sent, it was pretty bad but with taste...

other than that I have no plans to do any harm to anyone, thats not my style, im much more cool headed then that, I keep my cool always...
except that one time...

anyway, the messages we sent today where all pleasant, we set up a time to talk on the phone, something came up she could make it said she would call when she was able,

if there is no call tonight, Im done with her,period... game over, I dont have time for this shit and I got to much pride to try any harder to keep this thing going.

bout to start college (hopefully) so I can put my player hat on again, cheer myself up and move on...

[Darkwatch]

Sinisdar Toste, on Apr 28 2009, 09:34 PM, said:

i think the fact that not one female member has responded to this thread speaks volumes... though about what im not sure.. we could use the othersides perspective.

It means they're all laughing at us and marvelling at their ability to cause such mental distress to men.

[Mezla PigDog]

Sinisdar Toste, on Apr 29 2009, 02:34 AM, said:

i think the fact that not one female member has responded to this thread speaks volumes... though about what im not sure.. we could use the othersides perspective.

If anyone wants my opinion, I am generally thinking: she reacted before having the facts which is dumb but forgivable in some circumstances. Zanth is a young guy, she's clearly a bit flighty and has 3 kids. Can you really be bothered dealing with all that drama? Move on!

If Zanth was the girl and she was the guy, we'd all be calling her a lying cheating bastard.

This post has been edited by Mezla PigDog: 29 April 2009 - 07:10 AM

[cerveza_fiesta]

I have a no chance policy myself. Excommunication for severe violations of the charter of relationship rights and procedures.

But that's just me.

I'd move on from the chick too zanth. Just have a conversation with yourself (even if people think you're crazy) and decide frankly if she's worth your while. Plus, do you really want to get in with the 3 kids too? If you get seriously involved, they aren't just going to be hers, they'll be yours too...making 3 kids a financial responsibility as well.