[Zanth13]

I really cant believe im going to do this, but I need advice, I have been out of the realm normal humanity(war) for a while so i think my senses are messed up.

scoop:

little over a month ago in Tx
Zanth meets girl, zanth and girl like each other, zanth and girl make out, zanth and girl hook up, zanth and girl hook up again, zanth and girl hook up again. Zanth and girl make a promise,

zanth goes back to colorado to the army.

zanth and girl talk/text every night. Zanth and girl get closer.

zanth and girl start communicating a little less.

zanth gets a dear john letter saying girl found someone else,

zanth being the decent writer he is replies back with great vengenence and furious anger,

girl replies back with great anger, zanth replies back with a little more understanding,

girl is ashamed, zanth learns that someone has been lying about zanth saying he seen a bunch other girls, zanth sets the record straight.

Now with that in mind and the break down in communication i can almost understand her excursion with another guy.

Now girl says she still loves zanth, is now confused about what she wants.

now what does zanth do.

There is a chance things can be worked out, should I try and give it a shot, or strike down once again with great vengenance and furious anger and never speak to her again...

my man instict is to do that, but im not really feeling it inside. I like her. At the same point i dont feel I deserve this bull shit. I will deff. not be someones second hand pick, or back up option,


opinions? What would a normal man who has not been exiled for his home country for 3 years out of the last 5 do.

(side note) I lost the contest when things went south with said girl, picked up my little black book....

[D'rek]

Go talk to her (in person for that yummy haven't-talked-in-person awkwardness that you can't get anywhere else) and talk through stuff and re-evaluate your position after that. Electronic communication is great and all, but sometimes you forget sensations when all you have is long-distance comm for a while.

And sure, there's other fish in the sea, but fishing is slow and boring, so might as well see how tasty the fish that's already on the line is before you let it get away (or however that saying goes)

[KalamMekhar]

i was thinking along the same lines. Talk it out person to person and see if it can be salvaged if you really like her that much.

[Zanth13]

Well thats one of the problems I am 800 miles away till probably next week, I still got military duties, for a little while longer.

Alls I can do is emails and Texts, a phone call is the closest thing I can do for a while.

And this is a problem Im not sure I can put off for a week.

So try is the vibe Im getting so far, not what I expected, but it was my intial reaction (after the great anger thing) .

[Slow Ben]

The only thing that bothers me is when she thought you were fooling around behind her back, she didnt even ask you about it, she just assumed it was true and went off with someone else.

You def need to talk to her either way you go. Even if you dont want to give her another shot, you gotta finish with a clear conscience or you'll always have it nagging at you.

[KalamMekhar]

then call her and talk it out if thats the best you can do for now. work with what ya got!

[Darkwatch]

Zanth13, on Apr 27 2009, 11:43 PM, said:

I really cant believe im going to do this, but I need advice, I have been out of the realm normal humanity(war) for a while so i think my senses are messed up.

scoop:

little over a month ago in Tx
Zanth meets girl, zanth and girl like each other, zanth and girl make out, zanth and girl hook up, zanth and girl hook up again, zanth and girl hook up again. Zanth and girl make a promise,

zanth goes back to colorado to the army.

zanth and girl talk/text every night. Zanth and girl get closer.

zanth and girl start communicating a little less.

zanth gets a dear john letter saying girl found someone else,

zanth being the decent writer he is replies back with great vengenence and furious anger,

girl replies back with great anger, zanth replies back with a little more understanding,

girl is ashamed, zanth learns that someone has been lying about zanth saying he seen a bunch other girls, zanth sets the record straight.

Now with that in mind and the break down in communication i can almost understand her excursion with another guy.

Now girl says she still loves zanth, is now confused about what she wants.

now what does zanth do.

There is a chance things can be worked out, should I try and give it a shot, or strike down once again with great vengenance and furious anger and never speak to her again...

my man instict is to do that, but im not really feeling it inside. I like her. At the same point i dont feel I deserve this bull shit. I will deff. not be someones second hand pick, or back up option,


opinions? What would a normal man who has not been exiled for his home country for 3 years out of the last 5 do.

(side note) I lost the contest when things went south with said girl, picked up my little black book....

Having been in a similar situation (not between me and a girl, but one about rumours and communication break downs) my advice is to talk to her in person if at all possible.

Though from the info you've provided here I will say the following.
1-Identify the people spreading the rumours. Do it quickly, don't let the trail get cold. Confront them, with witnesses and make sure everybody knows you've set them straight (suggestion don't get overly emotional, but make it clear you want nothing to do with them and that they are not people of confidence and that no one else should be listening to them). They are not the root of the problem but they fanned the fires and probably helped break the communication (girl would have been more likely to call you and ask you had they not been whispering poison into her ears.)

2-When talking to girl in person, do your best to assess the situation. Is she telling the truth? Does she really love you and did she only act out of jealousy and rage?
If so then:
a) why did she believe the stories?
b ) why didn't she try and find out the truth before moving on?
c) Tell her that an attitude of listening to rumours and such is no way to run a relationship. (If she gets mad, tell her, that you waited for info directly from the source, her).
d) Trust has been annihalted between you. You have to tell her that, as much on your end as hers. It will take time to rebuild. Tell her you're willing to give it another go, but should something similar happen again, then you have to stand up and say no more, you don't deserve to be the victim of her mood swings (render that last part with more diplomacy). Her emotions are not a good enough excuse for cheating.

If not, then that means she's not reliable, close the file.
Lay in with great vengeance.

If she truly is confused, then you might want to push for a firm commitment, that confusion is dangerous. Try and help her clear it. If you can't and it persists then you might want to break it off amiably, no need to make ennemies.

I have to be honest, I've never been in a relationship (my experience was between friends, not with a GF) that's suffered something like this, so I'm guesing the sense of betrayal is massive, but you've said that you don't feel like letting her go.
So I'd say give it one more chance, but make sure that if something should happen again, cut loose and move on.

Hope I've helped some.

This post has been edited by Darkwatch: 28 April 2009 - 04:05 AM

[Zanth13]

Slow Ben, on Apr 28 2009, 04:54 AM, said:

The only thing that bothers me is when she thought you were fooling around behind her back, she didnt even ask you about it, she just assumed it was true and went off with someone else.

You def need to talk to her either way you go. Even if you dont want to give her another shot, you gotta finish with a clear conscience or you'll always have it nagging at you.

Thats what I thought and I said as much to her,

We comminicated alot today, so its almost to the clear conscience part, I just dont like the "unsure" thing, my opinion is if your not sure then you dont want it really...

the last thought I had, was to give an ultimatum, make your mind up, or im out for good, no 2nd chances after that... and the general rule is that ultimatums bad to use on anyone especially on girls, but at this point arnt I entitled to something?

The only thing that sucks is this will be the 2nd horribly failed relationship i will have been apart of the past year, wont be as bad as the last one one but still pretty shitty ending if it comes to that.

zanth notes that its that god damn long distance relationships that always seemed doomed to fail... or is it just relationships.

[D'rek]

Oh yeah, addendum: if it doesn't work out, consider not going in with great vengeance and pious flames of wrath, but rather just letting it go. After all, those rumors that hurt you this time might only get worse (and truer) if you pursue vengeance and such.

[Zanth13]

great responce DW, (and everyone else)

I think a phone call is deff. one thing I need to do tomorrow, there is alot of ground we need to cover that cant be done without instant feed back.

as far as the sourses, I have a suspiscion but I doubt ill ever know for sure, and it may even be my family (sister in law who is her best friend) so probably an outlook I cant explore,

the more I think about it, the more i think it might be doomed, today the range of emotions i caused in her went from rage, to sadness, to confusion, to sorrow, to confusion and possibly back to rage. Guess i Know how to push buttons.

guess it all depends on how a real conversation goes.

[Slow Ben]

This is the hard part, you have to decide whether she's worth it to you or not. if she is, do whatever you can to make it work. If not, forget her.

Like I said, the hard part.

[Zanth13]

D'rek, on Apr 28 2009, 05:10 AM, said:

Oh yeah, addendum: if it doesn't work out, consider not going in with great vengeance and pious flames of wrath, but rather just letting it go. After all, those rumors that hurt you this time might only get worse (and truer) if you pursue vengeance and such.

*sigh, yeah every soldiers biggest fear is being betrayed by a loved one when away from home, thats wear alot of fury comes from, it finally happened to me, guess it was only a matter of time, at least it wasnt a wife like alot of my buddies.

But if it doesnt work out I cannot and will have any friendship with her or even relationship... to awkward, painful and all that jazz, I refuse, once its done its done fore ever,

[HoosierDaddy]

The all important question, Zanth: Could you trust her again? If you had to go away (I think you are done with army now, right? we'll assume not) on deployment again, or if you had to go away to school. Could you see yourself trusting her again? If not, why bother going there?

I don't think I could. But, I'm not you.

[Darkwatch]

Zanth13, on Apr 28 2009, 12:17 AM, said:

as far as the sourses, I have a suspiscion but I doubt ill ever know for sure, and it may even be my family (sister in law who is her best friend) so probably an outlook I cant explore,

Ask her, tell her you want to know who helped put you both in this situation (I say "helped" because fault lies on everyone involved and that should be made clear, but there is still fault on those people).
If it ends up being family, then you have to talk to them as well, I'm not sure how, family messes are bad.

Slow Ben is right, it depends if you feel and think she's worth it.

[Zanth13]

logic says she isnt, where the same age, she has kids though (3), she still looks great though...drinks a little to much but so do i...
thats baggage no sane man would want to be apart of.

trust is an issue HD, once I get back and we get the relationship going for real (if it gets that far) I think she is a honest trustworthy woman.

I dont want to pursue the rumors mill because they were partly true, true in the fact that I went to see other women while I was on leave, but they were not for romantic occasions, they were harmless visits to two friends who both have boyfriends. of course I am a massively secret person, I tell my family nothing so the alleged person wouldn only hear part of the story that I went to see a girl. as her best friend she probably felt she had to say something. even though she didnt know the whole fucking story.

That doesnt make up for that as soon as suspicions came up my girl should have confronted me about it and found out the truth and not let it build up and take root inside.

I think if I can get a phone call tomorrow I will let it all hang out, and make everything come to a decision...

shit she still might make it easy for me and not want to try and fix it, in which case, ties are severed.

[Zanth13]

allright, thanks for the insight guys, its appreciated, im off to bed with my last percocet and a shot of jager, I guess tomorrow will be the big day...



v/r

:zanth:

[Darkwatch]

Try and stay cool.
And best of luck.

[amphibian]

Darkwatch, on Apr 28 2009, 12:03 AM, said:

Though from the info you've provided here I will say the following.
1-Identify the people spreading the rumours. Do it quickly, don't let the trail get cold. Confront them, with witnesses and make sure everybody knows you've set them straight (suggestion don't get overly emotional, but make it clear you want nothing to do with them and that they are not people of confidence and that no one else should be listening to them). They are not the root of the problem but they fanned the fires and probably helped break the communication (girl would have been more likely to call you and ask you had they not been whispering poison into her ears.)

This is not the first step to be taken. The girl is the priority. This is something best left for later and for privacy. You deal with behind-the-scenesters by first removing yourself to a moral high ground, staying there and then cluing in others on how to watch for their manipulations. At no point do you directly attack them. That usually backfires or does more harm than good.

I'd like to give you better advice than "stay calm". Let me say this, the greater your cool, the greater your chances of successfully putting this back together.

Women are complex, curious and compelling creatures. I like 'em, but they're mostly crazy.

[HoosierDaddy]

That's excellent advice, Amp. And, from a neutral perspective it makes perfect rational sense. Sad thing is, these things are never rational events. I've been on both ends of this spectrum, and quite frankly there's nothing like betrayal to get the blood-lust up. If it is friends who are the ones spreading lies, then the sense of betrayal is only double. Perhaps your martial arts training (actually, not perhaps, its probable), would allow you do to do this. In this sense, it is good that Zanth is removed from the scene of action, so that immediate gratification can't take place and he'll have the time to sit cool down.

Moral high ground is fantastic and all, but it doesn't make the problem disappear. Agree, though, that girl is first priority (although by this point if this is me I've already said adieu.)

[Aptorian]

So... She's good looking and she puts out right? Why are we even having this discussion?