[Ain't_It_Just_]

So me and Lex talked it over, and we agreed to give each other some space in the aftermath of our break-up. Problem is, she was at a party tonight, and will be at other parties in future. To me, this seems like the entire agreement is breaking down. I just want to get back to being friends, and skip this interim period where I'm constantly reminded of what we had. Am I over-thinking it or should I just avoid her for a while?

/angst

[JLV]

Internet advice is lame, but staying friends with an ex is not the way to do things. Anyone back me up here?

[QuickTidal]

Ain, on 29 December 2011 - 01:40 PM, said:

So me and Lex talked it over, and we agreed to give each other some space in the aftermath of our break-up. Problem is, she was at a party tonight, and will be at other parties in future. To me, this seems like the entire agreement is breaking down. I just want to get back to being friends, and skip this interim period where I'm constantly reminded of what we had. Am I over-thinking it or should I just avoid her for a while?

/angst

I'm sorry to say it, but the above bolded section....not possible at least not for a long time. If you ever do become "just friends" with her down the line it will be far in the future where your relationship is a distant memory. In the interim years (and it probably will be years) you have to just avoid her...in theory. In practice, yes she WILL be at parties you go to, and if you share friends you'll likely see her with them as well. So you don't want to shut yourself out of those aspects of your life just to avoid her. So if you are at a party she is at, or an outing she is at then you need to be cordial and say "Hey" if the greeting is offered up but other than that don't conversate with her at all. What you DO is you totally and completely immerse yourself with everyone else at the party or outing. Brim with confidence and swagger around the place like you are having a blast (even if you aren't). Laugh at jokes raucously, tell interesting stories. Talk to guys, talk to girls, and most of all enjoy yourself. What you must NOT do is do this with the intention of picking up. You need to act like finding someone new (or reuniting with Lex) is the farthest thing from your mind and that you just want to hang out and enjoy people's company.

Lastly, like I told Grimmy back when she had her bad breakup. Being friends, attempting to be friends, pining for, mooning over a lost EX is a pathway to more pain and suffering than the actual breakup was. You will spiral down into your own self-pity and become a shadow of the blazer-wearing coolio we all know you can be. So stand tall, get out there and act like Lex doesn't exist and move forward. It's fucking tough, I know...but in the long run it will serve you better than attempting to grasp onto something that is already gone. Lex is the past, and whether or not you are friends with her way down the line is not the point, the point is that you have to LEAVE her in the past otherwise you'll just keep rehashing the breakup. A relationship must be mourned like a death, if you don't get up and move on after, it can consume you. Don't let it.

[amphibian]

It takes time for people to change. Putting away those feelings of attachment, romantic attraction, anger and hurt does not happen overnight. There is undoubtedly a bumpy road ahead for the both of you and unfortunately, sharing that road as friends is usually not a good idea. I say "usually" since there are rare cases, but the odds of you two being such mature individuals that you can seamlessly transition to friendship are vanishingly low. The time framework involved in changing those things is measured in months. Busy yourself with hobbies that develop actual skills, paper up the hurt and eventually the faking it will become making it.

If someone in public asks you why you two broke up, avoid putting the dirty laundry out there. Something along the lines of "We tried, but the difficult moments kinda piled on and we thought it best to go our own ways. Great woman and I wish her all the best." might work.

Also learn to let go of the things you can't control. Worrying about your ex making it home on a train/bus ride, obsessing about being at this party/that party if she is there and so on are things to grow out of. You're still learning how to navigate romance, so a few mistakes here and there are acceptable. Quit focusing on the small shit and work on doing things better. That'll give you a greater degree of finesse and more freedom too.

[QuickTidal]

amphibian, on 29 December 2011 - 05:13 PM, said:

It takes time for people to change. Putting away those feelings of attachment, romantic attraction, anger and hurt does not happen overnight. There is undoubtedly a bumpy road ahead for the both of you and unfortunately, sharing that road as friends is usually not a good idea. I say "usually" since there are rare cases, but the odds of you two being such mature individuals that you can seamlessly transition to friendship are vanishingly low. The time framework involved in changing those things is measured in months. Busy yourself with hobbies that develop actual skills, paper up the hurt and eventually the faking it will become making it.

If someone in public asks you why you two broke up, avoid putting the dirty laundry out there. Something along the lines of "We tried, but the difficult moments kinda piled on and we thought it best to go our own ways. Great woman and I wish her all the best." might work.

Also learn to let go of the things you can't control. Worrying about your ex making it home on a train/bus ride, obsessing about being at this party/that party if she is there and so on are things to grow out of. You're still learning how to navigate romance, so a few mistakes here and there are acceptable. Quit focusing on the small shit and work on doing things better. That'll give you a greater degree of finesse and more freedom too.

^^This is really well put, and really good advice.

[tiam]

Agree with everything above. Especially Amph

I have tried in the past to make it work as friends and I have also done what Amph suggests you dont do, by dodging her to the point where you stop going places. Be civil to her and about her offering nothing into your relationship that can be considered bitching. This may (or may not) help you become friends in the long run. If you have mutual groups of friends (which I believe you do) keep your distance from her but be civil not cold.

Your probably a much better person than I am but whenever I was at a party where my ex was I saw a guy with her it could set me off angry or depressed esp. if it was a messy break up. Keep your distance at first and slowly phase her back into your life, not because you want to be uber close friends straight away but because you think you can take it.

[Illuyankas]

Also you probably want to avoid porking her sister.

[worry]

You could always power through it and be friends anyway. It's only pain, after all.

[Tapper]

Ain, on 29 December 2011 - 01:40 PM, said:

So me and Lex talked it over, and we agreed to give each other some space in the aftermath of our break-up. Problem is, she was at a party tonight, and will be at other parties in future. To me, this seems like the entire agreement is breaking down. I just want to get back to being friends, and skip this interim period where I'm constantly reminded of what we had. Am I over-thinking it or should I just avoid her for a while?

/angst

So you don't want her or yourself to have fun because you both should mourn? No. You ought to copy her and go out and have a blast yourself. I don't agree entirely with QT about not being friends with your ex, it is possible and I don't think it takes years (but with me, it took a LONG time, too), but the first thing you've got to do is have fun and be yourself again, instead of a pale imitation of yourself who sees monsters under his bed (not so useful tip: get yourself a place in someone elses. Preferably hawt, nubile, energetic, female and adventurous).
Few people will want a project 'guide AIJ back to the light'. Your friends might do it, people who care about you will try, but they do it for you, not for themselves, and they much prefer you as you than you as a wreck. So save them the trouble if you can. There's nothing wrong with feeling sorry about how things went or trying to learn from it but there is something wrong with letting your life and your decisions depend on it or wallowing in self-pity.

You gotta remember that you are still (very) young and that you and those around you are finding your way in life. Paths will converge and diverge and the best way to walk them is with a smile and a swagger and when you can, hand-in-hand with someone else, but there's also a time for goodbyes. Stick to what is good, but if something turns out bad, shake your head, have a cry and move on. Don't forget, but don't live in it, either.

And what Amph said.

[Illuyankas]

Oh, and DEFINITELY don't bang her mother.

[Coco with marshmallows]

Illuyankas, on 29 December 2011 - 11:34 PM, said:

Oh, and DEFINITELY don't bang her mother.

or her dad.

[JLV]

Or her pet snake.

[HoosierDaddy]

The problem with trying to be friends immediately is that it usually ends up in two bad situations far more commonly than it does with you being friends. 1: One of you grows jealous/uncomfortable quickly and friendship ends with bad spat; or 2: you become friends with benefits and one of you ends up growing jealous/uncomfortable and friendship ends with bad spat.

Do what everybody else said. Frankly, the quickest remedy for an ex is a new. The best remedy is the hardest: time.

[Obdigore]

Everything from work to personal life to my shoes. It is all broken.

[Gust Hubb]

School starts 2 (maybe 3) days earlier than expected. WTF.

[Abyss]

Trying to be friends with an ex serves only to make the initiator of the breakup feel less guilty and/or the dump-ee to hold on to pointless hope.
Move on. Be polite in public, be circuspect in talking about it with anyone else, and move on.
It feels like crap. In a week or so it will feel less like crap. A few weeks after that you will remember how crap you felt and marvel at it. So move on.
Because trying to stay friends will simply drag the crap part out longer and increase the impact to the pit of your stomach when she inevitably hooks up with someone else.

[amphibian]

Illuyankas, on 29 December 2011 - 11:11 PM, said:

Also you probably want to avoid porking her sister.

I like Worrywort's advice in combination with Illy's advice so much

worrywort, on 29 December 2011 - 11:14 PM, said:

You could always power through it and be friends anyway. It's only pain, after all.

that I mentally applied it

Illuyankas, on 29 December 2011 - 11:34 PM, said:

Oh, and DEFINITELY don't bang her mother.

worrywort, on 29 December 2011 - 11:14 PM, said:

You could always power through it and be friends anyway. It's only pain, after all.

to nearly everything

Cocoreturns, on 30 December 2011 - 12:09 AM, said:

or her dad.

worrywort, on 29 December 2011 - 11:14 PM, said:

You could always power through it and be friends anyway. It's only pain, after all.

I read after that.

JLV, on 30 December 2011 - 12:15 AM, said:

Or her pet snake.

worrywort, on 29 December 2011 - 11:14 PM, said:

You could always power through it and be friends anyway. It's only pain, after all.

Worrywort, what you advocate will build character for sure. Or at least broaden horizons.

Abyss, on 30 December 2011 - 05:59 AM, said:

Trying to be friends with an ex serves only to make the initiator of the breakup feel less guilty and/or the dump-ee to hold on to pointless hope.

Five bucks says Lex proposed it first to soften the blow and AIJ agreed to it because it sorta feels good temporarily. It's not her or his fault though. They're young. They don't want to see each other in pain. They also don't know they're being emotional dumbasses sometimes.

I've re-established friendships with a couple of exes. However, most of that came about because my exes have moved around the country a bit and we aren't in close physical proximity often. Basically, the overwhelming majority of the times I hooked up with a person I was already acquainted with (sorta shitting where I ate) never turned into actual solid relationships because those women were effin' bonkers and I either didn't know it or put up with the crazy for a short while. The best romantic experiences I've had came with partners who were not friends already and did not hang out in the same social circles I did.

[Ain't_It_Just_]

Thanks for all the advice, guys. It's nice to have some from people that aren't hormone-addled teens. To be honest, putting her out of my life would make me feel a lot better-but I'm going to take a stab at staying friends, though not right away obviously. It's going to take time and patience, but I think it'll be better, seeing as we were such good friends prior to the relationship. I guess I'll find out.

[Mezla PigDog]

AIJ, the only kind of friendship with her that you should be putting any energy into is one where you can both enjoy being with your mutual friends at the same time. Any friendship on top of that is secondary for now. Once you have achieved the first, the better friendship will re-emerge or it won't and there's no forcing it.

Bad time of year for a breakup though, bad luck. I got dumped over the phone on Christmas Day when I was 16 or 17. I got over it, but what a bastard!

[tiam]

Mezla PigDog, on 30 December 2011 - 11:43 AM, said:

AIJ, the only kind of friendship with her that you should be putting any energy into is one where you can both enjoy being with your mutual friends at the same time. Any friendship on top of that is secondary for now. Once you have achieved the first, the better friendship will re-emerge or it won't and there's no forcing it.

Bad time of year for a breakup though, bad luck. I got dumped over the phone on Christmas Day when I was 16 or 17. I got over it, but what a bastard!

Yeh that sucks arse

Yeh try and up your friendship with mutual friends instead of going whole hog into a friendship. As Amph said above she may have tagged the friend thing (its so very stereotypical) on to soften the blow and youve agreed because you want the blow softened and still want her in your life. Another epic bit of advice from above (above all the 'dont sleep with her mum' stuff which is funny and also true) is be yourself not a shell of man. As someone put it in a very good way dont become a 'get AIJ into the light' project. Ive been both a 'project' and a 'bringer into the light' and nobody enjoys it, especially if your mutual friends see her having a good time and you as a 'project'. I know your hoping for a renewed friendship but if that doesnt work out properly, and it might not, some mutual friends may draw a 'us and them' line and pick sides is it gets messy. You especially dont want to be the moping project in that instance.

Messing with groove: went into work for 9. In work tomorrow not today but it turned out for the best.