[Tsundoku]

Gust Hubb, on 15 October 2017 - 07:24 AM, said:

Was just screamed at by the girl friend. I am not sure i have ever experienced such hot iron levels of vitriol. And while I prefer it over a cold lingering hate, I am still laid flat by such an onslaught. To be overdramatic, things don't look that rosy at this late (2:30 am) hour.

Tl;Dr FML.

Without going into specifics, how serious was your perceived offence? On a scale of 1-10, 1 being left the toilet seat up and 10 being burning her house down while laughing. With her family and pets inside.

This post has been edited by Tsundoku: 15 October 2017 - 07:56 AM

[Aptorian]

Don't forget the unknown offences that you have no idea you have committed and have no way of evaluating on a scale of 1-10 because they are too abstract to be comprehended by a male mind. All you can do is say you are sorry all though you are not quite sure what you are sorry about.

[amphibian]

Alternative Goose, on 15 October 2017 - 07:58 AM, said:

Don't forget the unknown offences that you have no idea you have committed and have no way of evaluating on a scale of 1-10 because they are too abstract to be comprehended by a male mind. All you can do is say you are sorry all though you are not quite sure what you are sorry about.

I would be very wary of a person who continually apologized without knowing what they did wrong. It's placation, not an actual apology.

I'm also very sure Gust Hubb knows at least somewhat what is wrong.

[Aptorian]

Sure. I was just making light of the stereotypical arguments between the sexes. But on a serious note, unless Gust is just dating a spark plug there are often lots of other smaller or major things behind an outburst like it sounds like he was on the receiving end of.

[Puck]

Realizing I need new glasses. Damn it. I hate that decision of whether to go for style, fuction or bite into the sour grape and buy two pairs.

[Gust Hubb]

Whiskey, birthday cake ice cream, and Annie's Mac'n'Cheese made with greek yogurt, necessarily in that order.

So, single again. Got screamed at again (thankfully the connection was bad and she was cutting in and out most of the phone call).

The offense: Being good friends with a previous GF (who is beginning a relationship with a new awesome dude). The girl I just broke up with today was super jealous and blew up.

There were a whole host of reasons that came out simultaneously, including:
1. Massive debt from expensive tastes that caused her no worry because daddy would rescue her in a pinch. She also bought herself an iPad pro yesterday.
2. An inability to discuss our issues calmly without her screaming and making concrete, non-negotable statements (like you cannot be just friends with someone with whom you have had sex)
3. An inability to be honest about her feelings, like starting off saying she was not jealous of my prior GF. She is in psychiatry.

There were of course other reasons that culminated in today, but actually, I feel pretty good about the decision. And I kept one of the best friends I have ever made. So win.

[Gust Hubb]

Interesting side note: My cat has been right about every girl I have dated. The only one I am still friends with is the only one he liked.

[amphibian]

Gust Hubb, on 15 October 2017 - 11:55 PM, said:

Interesting side note: My cat has been right about every girl I have dated. The only one I am still friends with is the only one he liked.

I don't know how you framed the revelation that you are friends with an ex-romantic partner, but that's a really big thing to some people. There's quite a bit of let's say "relapses" with ex-romantic partners that are in close contact and plenty of hurt feelings to other people can and do result.

So it may be important to you (and to the ex-girlfriend, hopefully) to be friends with that person, but it should also be important to you to find a good way to bring this up and to reassure the new person in your life that the old flame is indeed extinguished. Going to the old flame for emotional/relationship advice before the new person will usually trigger fights.

Also, I'm not sure it's your business within a new relationship to tell her that you're judging her for debts or how she handles money with her family. That sounds like a really bad thing to bring up - if you did bring it up - because that's her family and her life. Otherwise, you're only judging the shit out of her on here for that.

Now, I am judging the shit out of you here, but we have some shared forum history, so I hope you'll take it ok.

[Lady Bliss]

amphibian, on 16 October 2017 - 12:15 AM, said:

Gust Hubb, on 15 October 2017 - 11:55 PM, said:

Interesting side note: My cat has been right about every girl I have dated. The only one I am still friends with is the only one he liked.

I don't know how you framed the revelation that you are friends with an ex-romantic partner, but that's a really big thing to some people. There's quite a bit of let's say "relapses" with ex-romantic partners that are in close contact and plenty of hurt feelings to other people can and do result.

So it may be important to you (and to the ex-girlfriend, hopefully) to be friends with that person, but it should also be important to you to find a good way to bring this up and to reassure the new person in your life that the old flame is indeed extinguished. Going to the old flame for emotional/relationship advice before the new person will usually trigger fights.

Also, I'm not sure it's your business within a new relationship to tell her that you're judging her for debts or how she handles money with her family. That sounds like a really bad thing to bring up - if you did bring it up - because that's her family and her life. Otherwise, you're only judging the shit out of her on here for that.

Now, I am judging the shit out of you here, but we have some shared forum history, so I hope you'll take it ok.

Sorry Amp, sometimes forums don't share the full story. In this instance, since I've been along for the ride, I know Gust is in the right.

Totally get what you are saying though based on just his post. There's just more to it.

[worry]

Hell, this is the first I'm hearing of this person, and I'm already judging her.

[Morgoth]

I have to say I find it a positive thing that a girl can be friends with an ex. Then at least I know the relationship probably didn't end terribly, which is good I think. Though I have very little jealousy in me, so I guess it might be different for lots of people.

[Macros]

I'm friends with most girls from my past

Not close friends like we ring each other up to go on the beer together but I have no problems if I meet them out and about, we'll chat and catch up and there is no awkwardness to it.

If a lady can't deal with that then she's not the lady for me, I'm not going to start cutting people out of my life or be rude to them

[amphibian]

Lady Bliss, on 16 October 2017 - 12:32 AM, said:

Sorry Amp, sometimes forums don't share the full story. In this instance, since I've been along for the ride, I know Gust is in the right.

Totally get what you are saying though based on just his post. There's just more to it.

I get that there's more to it.

I do leave you with a question: Is it more important to be right in a relationship than it is to work with the other person's strongly held feelings to get to a place where you're both happy?

I struggle with that dynamic myself and I'm learning that being right is less important than I thought.

[Gust Hubb]

amphibian, on 16 October 2017 - 11:27 AM, said:

Lady Bliss, on 16 October 2017 - 12:32 AM, said:

Sorry Amp, sometimes forums don't share the full story. In this instance, since I've been along for the ride, I know Gust is in the right.

Totally get what you are saying though based on just his post. There's just more to it.

I get that there's more to it.

I do leave you with a question: Is it more important to be right in a relationship than it is to work with the other person's strongly held feelings to get to a place where you're both happy?

I struggle with that dynamic myself and I'm learning that being right is less important than I thought.

It is a very careful and complex balance. I was married, successfully in many ways, for 9 years. A large part of it is give and take, and it is very healthy to have the recognition of such dynamics early on.

You also have to know yourself. What are you willing to bend on and what do you need to stand for? Because both are necessary. A relationship of only or mostly the formal will break or denegrade you. A relationship of the latter will stunt the one you claim to love and ruin any possible new things they could open your eyes to.

I believe the cooperative approach is what makes or breaks a relationship, but it takes two. If one side cannot span the gap of a disagreement, then that gap will create a hole in the relationship. And enough holes in a relationship leaves it empty and hollow.

This is what happened to my marriage. And this is why I broke up with that girl ultimately. It wasn't that i wasn't willing to be wrong or meet her halfway. It was that this early in the relationship she was already shutting down dialogue because she, as she said, did not like conflict.
Communication is the most basic and essential need of a relationship. If it isn't there it seems silly to proceed into the future.

[Gust Hubb]

Morgoth, on 16 October 2017 - 07:18 AM, said:

I have to say I find it a positive thing that a girl can be friends with an ex. Then at least I know the relationship probably didn't end terribly, which is good I think. Though I have very little jealousy in me, so I guess it might be different for lots of people.

Macros, on 16 October 2017 - 08:20 AM, said:

I'm friends with most girls from my pastNot close friends like we ring each other up to go on the beer together but I have no problems if I meet them out and about, we'll chat and catch up and there is no awkwardness to it.If a lady can't deal with that then she's not the lady for me, I'm not going to start cutting people out of my life or be rude to them

I am trying to come to your frame of mind Morgoth. I am getting better at it and I hope someday I can say the same thing you said.

Yeah, Maccy, that was what Bliss and I discussed and what solidified my resolve. I have few enough good friends, pretty much all women and most of whom i have not dated, so i am not willing to lose them for someone i barely know.

You cannot control feelings like jealousy, but being ruled by the feeling (esp. When there is no remotely real threat) is not what I am looking for in a mate at this time.

[Morgoth]

Gust Hubb, on 16 October 2017 - 01:33 PM, said:

Morgoth, on 16 October 2017 - 07:18 AM, said:

I have to say I find it a positive thing that a girl can be friends with an ex. Then at least I know the relationship probably didn't end terribly, which is good I think. Though I have very little jealousy in me, so I guess it might be different for lots of people.

Macros, on 16 October 2017 - 08:20 AM, said:

I'm friends with most girls from my pastNot close friends like we ring each other up to go on the beer together but I have no problems if I meet them out and about, we'll chat and catch up and there is no awkwardness to it.If a lady can't deal with that then she's not the lady for me, I'm not going to start cutting people out of my life or be rude to them

I am trying to come to your frame of mind Morgoth. I am getting better at it and I hope someday I can say the same thing you said.

Yeah, Maccy, that was what Bliss and I discussed and what solidified my resolve. I have few enough good friends, pretty much all women and most of whom i have not dated, so i am not willing to lose them for someone i barely know.

You cannot control feelings like jealousy, but being ruled by the feeling (esp. When there is no remotely real threat) is not what I am looking for in a mate at this time.

A good friend of mine is married to a girl whom can be quite jealous. He, like me, is not the jealous type at all. And he has a number of female friends, some of whom are exes. His wife recognices that her jealousy is not rational, and though it gets her angry at times she doesn't want him to stop meeting his friends. He in turn works to minimize her feelings of jealousy by sending messages, inviting her as much as he can and so forth. It works very well, or so it seems to me from the outside. My point is that jealousy in on itself need not be a deal breaker, but if it becomes something that trumps friendships then it certainly is.

[Lady Bliss]

amphibian, on 16 October 2017 - 11:27 AM, said:

Lady Bliss, on 16 October 2017 - 12:32 AM, said:

Sorry Amp, sometimes forums don't share the full story. In this instance, since I've been along for the ride, I know Gust is in the right.

Totally get what you are saying though based on just his post. There's just more to it.

I get that there's more to it.

I do leave you with a question: Is it more important to be right in a relationship than it is to work with the other person's strongly held feelings to get to a place where you're both happy?

I struggle with that dynamic myself and I'm learning that being right is less important than I thought.

It just depends on what's important to you. If it's not that important, then I'd agree to change. If it is, then it will always be a problem.

[LadyMTL]

I got new glasses for the first time in about 4 years, and now that I'm an old they're progressives (i.e. bifocals). Though it's not a dramatic difference from my older ones, this is the first time that I've had to wear this type of glasses and my eyes are having a hard time adjusting. Last night I was so wobbly that I was afraid that I was going to trip walking up my stairs - either that or walk into walls. Even typing is harder, because I keep leaning back and forward and trying to find the best distance from the screen. I hope I adapt quickly, because this is not very pleasant.
Ah, the joys of getting older.

This post has been edited by LadyMTL: 17 October 2017 - 12:16 PM

[Abyss]

LadyMTL, on 17 October 2017 - 12:14 PM, said:

I got new glasses for the first time in about 4 years, and now that I'm an old they're progressives (i.e. bifocals). Though it's not a dramatic difference from my older ones, this is the first time that I've had to wear this type of glasses and my eyes are having a hard time adjusting. Last night I was so wobbly that I was afraid that I was going to trip walking up my stairs - either that or walk into walls. Even typing is harder, because I keep leaning back and forward and trying to find the best distance from the screen. I hope I adapt quickly, because this is not very pleasant.
Ah, the joys of getting older.

Cybereyes. All the cool kids are implanting them.

[Adhara]

Yesterday it did not dawn.

Yes, I've just wrote that, and it was true. Not a science-fiction novel, not a Malazan setting. This just happened yesterday in Northwest Spain due to a whirlwind called Ophelia and a bunch of intentional fires which literally covered the sky in smoke and... it simply didn't dawn. And it was all night at 9.00 A.M. and there was no sun.

And it was so strange that I was not scared, but amazed.

But, of course, there are nasty consequences. Fields burned, woods lost, people died. The news tell us that the ashes are now over the skyes of London and Paris. Is any of you there?

Yesterday it did not dawn and it took me a whole day to find the words to tell.