amphibian, on 08 February 2017 - 06:53 PM, said:
Loki, on 08 February 2017 - 05:28 PM, said:
I don't see how breaking their confidence will do any good and it will most certainly do some harm since I'm the first person they have fully confided in. It would likely make them avoid confiding in someone again.
I mean, I tell a mutual friend about it and then what?
I think I must be misinterpreting what you are suggesting as it reads to me like you're suggesting using shaming or peer-pressure to get them to do something. Which doesn't sound like something you'd suggest so I'm confused. It's also 3:30am and I haven't slept in over a day so my mind is a little mushy.
If there are people who are around that person on a regular basis (family members, very good friends, maybe even a close co-worker or boss) who can spot signs of the gaslighting/manipulation escalating to physical abuse, then they're possibly people to let know about this. This can get very serious very quickly and if you're not around much, which I figure you aren't, what happens?
What's more important - your friend's safety or your friend being mad at you for breaking confidence?
I'm the first person they have told about all this. If I tell other people it isn't just a matter of my friend being mad, it's a matter of betraying their trust. I am the only person they feel they can trust with this. They won't just be mad, they won't trust me, and since they haven't felt they can talk to other people, breaking their confidence will result in them feeling even more hopeless and isolated. You seem to have an idea about how it would play out that doesn't take my friend's personality into account. They will avoid and phase out anyone who knows about their private life that they weren't the one to have told them about it. They'll be too embarrassed to face them so I wouldn't be adding to their support by telling other people, I would in fact be reducing it.
If their safety was in danger than that would make things easier in a way as it would make it clearer as to what needs to be done. We're talking a decade of them being together without any violence, shouting at, intimidation, threatening etc. That's the first thing I established when they told me about all this. They have never feared for their safety. It's the other end of the scale, they worry about their partner's safety if they were to leave them etc. It's the more passive, insidious type of problem. Their partner doesn't do any one thing that you would call abusive but when you put everything together it makes an unhealthy/toxic relationship.
Edit: Mez, Abyss - I did suggest that but they don't feel comfortable telling other people as I am their only friend who isn't a friend of their partner's as well. After a decade together, their friend pool is jointly owned.
My friend doesn't feel any of the issues are intentional, I pointed out that for many of the issues it doesn't matter whether it's intentional or not, it matters that it is happening. I'm trying to get them to change their perspective on things in the hope they'll start seeing the issues from a more objective view point. I asked them what they would tell a friend if their friend confided to them what they confided to me and that seemed to give them some more clarity. Their main issue is apathy. They're so used to being unhappy and in the situation that they don't see a point to trying to change it.
I'm waiting to see them in person next week so I can see their response instead of just hearing it. And talking in person may have more impact. At least I hope it does.
This post has been edited by Loki: 08 February 2017 - 07:32 PM
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