Defiance, on 19 June 2013 - 02:47 AM, said:
Anxiety, depression...I don't know. I think I have them. One or the other, both, I don't know. I think I've had them for awhile. I've even thought about killing myself a few times. I've never gone so far as to actually plan out how I'd do it, but the thoughts are definitely there from time to time. I don't think most people have those kind of thoughts. Anxiety...I get really anxious around big groups of people. Not claustrophobic, I just don't know how to act. I do everything I can to avoid talking to strangers. Sometimes even one-on-one conversations with someone I don't know will make me really uncomfortable. I've gotten good at hiding it, though. I think that's the case for everything. I'm down all the time, stressed as hell constantly, even about nothing...I have to drug myself to sleep at night because I can't stop thinking. I'm not usually physically fatigued, though...I mean everything is mental. But it just strikes me for weeks, often months at a time. There are periods where I don't feel depressed, but they don't last that long. I try to block things out by concentrating on stuff I really enjoy. It kind of works...I'll distract myself long enough to have fun for an hour or so, but there's always this pervasive feeling of dread in the back of my mind. I just keep denying it, though. I mean, it's not an easy thing to admit. I worry about social stigma, and how do you even tell someone that you think you're depressed? Man up, handle things yourself...that's what you're taught.
But I think I need to see someone. An appointment with the doctor, maybe they can recommend someone. I hate the fact that this is noticeable, I don't want to hurt or lose my girlfriend or her son. I don't want to talk to anyone. I guess I can spill my guts here because I have some measure of anonymity. Maybe one of you know the route I should go...like I said, the doctor, they could recommend someone. I'm just not sure how to approach that. I don't want to be depressed or labeled or anything, I don't want people to view my different. It's difficult enough typing this here. But fuck, this is ruining my relationship I don't know what else to do. My family is what keeps me going, one of the few things I can really make myself care about.
I agree with the above posters. There's enough going on here that that you shouldn't ignore it anymore. Suicidal ideation is always a big red flag as well. I think there are a lot of people that will pass off depression and anxiety as not a big deal, but as one of my teachers told me once, depression is a potentially fatal illness. People really do die from it, so you do have to take it seriously. Nobody likes being labeled, but if you don't identify what the problem is, you can't figure out how to go about and fix it. The main purpose of getting a diagnosis is to identify what you are dealing with, because then you are halfway to a treatment plan just with that alone. You've mentioned elements of depression, some anxious features, and there seems to be a component of social anxiety, but a long chat with a mental health professional should be able to tease out things like if the it's the social anxiety and its effects on your life that are contributing to the depression or if you have a primary depression, of which the social problems are merely a symptom. Things like that. Because that's going to dictate how they go about helping you. The thing with mental/emotional problems is that it's very difficult to deal with it yourself, although society conditions us to think that we should. The nature of the problem is that the brain
isn't thinking straight in the first place. There tends to be a great deal of negative, distorted thinking that becomes so automatic you don't realize you are doing it. So without some outside guidance, it is very hard to get out of the spiral. All I'm trying to say is that you don't have to think you have to do it alone. You should see your doctor and see what your options are. That would be a start.
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