I lost my temper today and shoved a coworker. I may have even gone on with it if others hadn't stepped in between us. The worst part is that he wasn't even being BAD, just a dumbarse. I've warned him for ages, and even 5 minutes beforehand, but I still basically took the first shot.
I shouldn't have let it get to me, but I did. I could blame the heat, being sick and tired of this place, sick of the idiots' "look at me, win at all costs etc" attitude, misplaced competitive spirit - it was a social game of volleyball, ffs - but I won't. I blew my cool, and that just won't do. Not when you're supposed to be in the ultimate team-player environment. And it's not as if I'm even a testosterone charged grunt. I'm just a fucking storeman. I shouldn't let things get to me, but they do, and sometimes it's a constant battle not to say something vitriolic. Or worse. I can has anger management issues.
And that little loss of control may come back to haunt me - not with a charge or anything like that, as everyone basically acted as if it didn't happen, but everyone present (and everyone who hears the story as it will no doubt make the rounds in this excitement-starved shithole) will mentally mark me down as not a team player/loses his cool etc. Which may mean a problem switching jobs, getting another deployment, postings etc.
And the one guy here I actually think of as a friend is looking at me like I'm some sort of untrustworthy half-wild animal. That hurts.
Maybe I need to learn some of that zen calm shit. I just wish I could go to sleep one day and have my temper disappear. Actually, add the vast majority of my emotions to that as well.
Cheers,
La Sombra, .. shit
This post has been edited by Sombra: 18 April 2009 - 10:05 AM
"Fortune favors the bold, though statistics favor the cautious." - Indomitable Courteous (Icy) Fist, The Palace Job - Patrick Weekes
"Well well well ... if it ain't The Invisible C**t." - Billy Butcher, The Boys
"I have strong views about not tempting providence and, as a wise man once said, the difference between luck and a wheelbarrow is, luck doesn’t work if you push it." - Colonel Orhan, Sixteen Ways to Defend a Walled City - KJ Parker