[Slow Ben]

Damn Amph, I can’t even imagine.

That really sucks.

[Maark Abbott]

Everything going on with utility bills and such, I think I'm careening towards a nervous breakdown.

[QuickTidal]

Gods, that's awful Amph. I'm so sorry you're going through that. I simply cannot imagine. We are here for support when you need us.

-------------------

On my end, my mom stopped Chemo (it was just to hard on her body for her to have any quality of life)....so now the cancer has spread to her lungs in flecks, and her back pain is intense. They are trying to find the best pain killer for her. They've given her 4-8 weeks at this point. Which is awful, and horrible and she's not ready to go.

The problem arises from my step-father. An unlikeable ass most of the time as it is, he's amped this up in the fact that his anger at what's happening (he's a "fixer" and can't fix this and doesn't know how to deal) and lashing out at people. We stopped there on our way home from a Labor Day weekend visit to the Bruce Peninsula...and it was supposed to be an hour long stop to visit and rest the kids for the rest of the car ride home...(we saw them on Friday on our way up, and they spent the day with us on Saturday in Tobermory).....but my sister and brother in law showed up and the whole thing turned into a 6+ hour discussion about the future and plans going fwd....(my sister and I have found common ground and come to terms; more in "happy" thread for those interested) and my step-dad is not only in denial still (while claiming he's not) he's lashing out when we try to help. He's not offering my mom compassion, he's basically decided that her version of "living what's left of her life" is not what he'd do...and therefore is bad. He also is like "She's not really talking to me" and my wife (health care worker) was like "Yeah, she's DEPRESSED. Of course she's not talkative."...he does not get it. We advised that they take the free social benefits of a counsellor or therapist to help them work through this so he understands...but he refuses. Says he thinks they'll call him crazy. He still talks to me like I'm a 17 years old kid that he can boss around and yell at instead of a 45 year old man, who has kids of his own...it's irritating, but I let it slide. We've sorted out that he's MUCH more worried about what happens to him after she passes. She's his whole life, and being an deeply unpleasant individual on the best of days, he's alienated EVERYONE....so basically I think he knows he's fucked after she goes and no one wants to take him in, or make sure he's looked after. He's 77, but he has two 20+ year old sons...who don't want to be involved in this, and their relationship with him is not good. My moms family won't look after him, and he damn sure won'y look after himself. My wife told him when my mom was diagnosed that he needed to start looking into what he's going to do when she goes, financially (he's for CC debt, and only has a small pension to live on)...he can't stay where they live, they can barely afford it between the two of them...but he refused to talk about that and got mad at my wife for suggesting it. 8 months later and he's not looked into it either. He talked about suicide 5 times while we were there. He angrily lashed out at me, my brother-in-law, and in one instance he even grabbed my 3 year old son by the shoulders and shook him and demand that he apologize for "hitting" him the day before (a 3 year old....)...and he's like "What's wrong with your son?"...and I'm like "Um, he's THREE..."

So yeah, what should be a grieving procsss where we get my mom to do what she wants to do, help her through the paperwork of putting her estate in order, and letting her live her life as sh wants to in her finally few months, my step-dad was all "What about ME?!"...without really saying it.

FFS he got on her case about the fact that she has a "plot" next to my grandad to be buried in...."Why do you need that? We can just spread your ashes over lake simcoe"....and I'm like "Because that's what she wants?" Like how is this so fucking hard, you selfish prick?

My brother-in-law called him on this and said "no offence, and you'll probably get mad at me...you're not offering your spouse compassion in her time of need, and you're only concern seems to be selfishly...what happens to you."

He didn't like that.

Anyways. This is awful. Made worse by the fact they they live 3.5hours from everyone on a gOOD day....so even if I wanted to be more involved, it's hard with two little ones.

I THINK we've gotten through to her that when she needs to go to Hospice (she's at 70% now, 40% is when hospice is allowed), that she needs to do so in Barrie which is close to her family (sister, my grandma, and others), and only 45min-1hr from us...so at least her time in hospice can be comfortable and surrounded by family, and not stuck on the boonies with my prick of a stepfather. Until then, I feel like it's going to be more of this nonsense with him and he's going to keep being obtuse and treat every attempt to help as an attack he needs to reject. And that sucks. I just want my moms remaining time here to be with family and comfort.

[amphibian]

QuickTidal, on 06 September 2022 - 02:49 PM, said:

Gods, that's awful Amph. I'm so sorry you're going through that. I simply cannot imagine. We are here for support when you need us.

-------------------

On my end, my mom stopped Chemo (it was just to hard on her body for her to have any quality of life)....so now the cancer has spread to her lungs in flecks, and her back pain is intense. They are trying to find the best pain killer for her. They've given her 4-8 weeks at this point. Which is awful, and horrible and she's not ready to go.

The problem arises from my step-father. An unlikeable ass most of the time as it is, he's amped this up in the fact that his anger at what's happening (he's a "fixer" and can't fix this and doesn't know how to deal) and lashing out at people. We stopped there on our way home from a Labor Day weekend visit to the Bruce Peninsula...and it was supposed to be an hour long stop to visit and rest the kids for the rest of the car ride home...(we saw them on Friday on our way up, and they spent the day with us on Saturday in Tobermory).....but my sister and brother in law showed up and the whole thing turned into a 6+ hour discussion about the future and plans going fwd....(my sister and I have found common ground and come to terms; more in "happy" thread for those interested) and my step-dad is not only in denial still (while claiming he's not) he's lashing out when we try to help. He's not offering my mom compassion, he's basically decided that her version of "living what's left of her life" is not what he'd do...and therefore is bad. He also is like "She's not really talking to me" and my wife (health care worker) was like "Yeah, she's DEPRESSED. Of course she's not talkative."...he does not get it. We advised that they take the free social benefits of a counsellor or therapist to help them work through this so he understands...but he refuses. Says he thinks they'll call him crazy. He still talks to me like I'm a 17 years old kid that he can boss around and yell at instead of a 45 year old man, who has kids of his own...it's irritating, but I let it slide. We've sorted out that he's MUCH more worried about what happens to him after she passes. She's his whole life, and being an deeply unpleasant individual on the best of days, he's alienated EVERYONE....so basically I think he knows he's fucked after she goes and no one wants to take him in, or make sure he's looked after. He's 77, but he has two 20+ year old sons...who don't want to be involved in this, and their relationship with him is not good. My moms family won't look after him, and he damn sure won'y look after himself. My wife told him when my mom was diagnosed that he needed to start looking into what he's going to do when she goes, financially (he's for CC debt, and only has a small pension to live on)...he can't stay where they live, they can barely afford it between the two of them...but he refused to talk about that and got mad at my wife for suggesting it. 8 months later and he's not looked into it either. He talked about suicide 5 times while we were there. He angrily lashed out at me, my brother-in-law, and in one instance he even grabbed my 3 year old son by the shoulders and shook him and demand that he apologize for "hitting" him the day before (a 3 year old....)...and he's like "What's wrong with your son?"...and I'm like "Um, he's THREE..."

So yeah, what should be a grieving procsss where we get my mom to do what she wants to do, help her through the paperwork of putting her estate in order, and letting her live her life as sh wants to in her finally few months, my step-dad was all "What about ME?!"...without really saying it.

FFS he got on her case about the fact that she has a "plot" next to my grandad to be buried in...."Why do you need that? We can just spread your ashes over lake simcoe"....and I'm like "Because that's what she wants?" Like how is this so fucking hard, you selfish prick?

My brother-in-law called him on this and said "no offence, and you'll probably get mad at me...you're not offering your spouse compassion in her time of need, and you're only concern seems to be selfishly...what happens to you."

He didn't like that.

Anyways. This is awful. Made worse by the fact they they live 3.5hours from everyone on a gOOD day....so even if I wanted to be more involved, it's hard with two little ones.

I THINK we've gotten through to her that when she needs to go to Hospice (she's at 70% now, 40% is when hospice is allowed), that she needs to do so in Barrie which is close to her family (sister, my grandma, and others), and only 45min-1hr from us...so at least her time in hospice can be comfortable and surrounded by family, and not stuck on the boonies with my prick of a stepfather. Until then, I feel like it's going to be more of this nonsense with him and he's going to keep being obtuse and treat every attempt to help as an attack he needs to reject. And that sucks. I just want my moms remaining time here to be with family and comfort.

This is indeed miserable, QuickTidal.

There may be some level of "I am taking out my fears on everyone around me", which can be empathized with - but it's getting in the way of the last pieces of her life being as smooth as possible.

It may help to have your mother make a written "Honey Do" list that she can give him to work on while this is all happening, he can receive it as he wants or discard it. The advantages I saw my relative who had terminal cancer get from doing this a while ago were related to peace in knowing that wishes were expressed, that if most things on the list were addressed the surviving partner was going to be ok, and simply having a tangible thing to focus on.

You've got a great wife and a great set of kids. I am glad you have them and that your brother in law stood up for better behavior from step dad.

I hope it gets better. Moving her closer to everyone is going to make a huge difference. Is it possible to do it ASAP with paying for some of it?

This post has been edited by amphibian: 06 September 2022 - 06:00 PM

[Cause]

My job which I loved is quickly becoming a nightmare. We are in a rapid growth phase and things change rapidly. I understand that, and for the most part my job has been wonderful and they have been supportive.

Recently though the new direction is worrying me, they asked me to get my drivers licence which I’m find with as I’d like to get it anyway and if they want me to rent cars instead of getting a Lyft when I travel to other cities fine. Then They mentioned more local travel as part of my job and a company car, than a car allowance. This seems to have ended up as buy a car and we will reimburse you for mileage. I have lived in Philadelphia for 2 years without needing a car. I live in center city, parking alone is 200 a month. I’d think this is illegal if it wasn’t America. I mean if the car is 400 a month and 200 for parking, I’d be giving up 600 a month to help the company. AAA reimbursement rates are 60 c a mile or something. I very much doubt I’ll be coming out on top.

This post has been edited by Cause: 06 September 2022 - 07:02 PM

[amphibian]

I'd stick with the company car as long as possible and look into whether the company will pay for your parking monthly. Especially since you've built a fun life without the car, I really don't recommend having to figure it out in a big city.

[Cause]

amphibian, on 06 September 2022 - 08:16 PM, said:

I'd stick with the company car as long as possible and look into whether the company will pay for your parking monthly. Especially since you've built a fun life without the car, I really don't recommend having to figure it out in a big city.

Thats the problem, when they first brought it up they were saying company car, when they brought it up again a week later they seemed to imply that I would have to get my own car and they would reimburse me for mileage. I am not okay with that. Company car, no issue

[amphibian]

In my experience with companies, one has to raise a low level sustained stink for the process to start getting a company car purchased etc. The key is to avoid a classification/definition change of your job as "requiring own vehicle to do the job" by proposing the cost savings and ease of access that having a company car for more than one person to use - even if it ends up being you mostly using it.

Catch the motor fly with honey if possible.

[Cause]

Im the only one in the state of philadelphia, but they hired me without a drivers licence. To change a year later to must own his own car seems a stretch.

[Tiste Simeon]

Dang Amph and QT sorry to hear about your troubles. I got no advice or anything just know I'm rooting for you guys.

[Azath Vitr (D'ivers]

Cause, on 06 September 2022 - 07:01 PM, said:

My job which I loved is quickly becoming a nightmare. We are in a rapid growth phase and things change rapidly. I understand that, and for the most part my job has been wonderful and they have been supportive.

Recently though the new direction is worrying me, they asked me to get my drivers licence which I'm find with as I'd like to get it anyway and if they want me to rent cars instead of getting a Lyft when I travel to other cities fine. Then They mentioned more local travel as part of my job and a company car, than a car allowance. This seems to have ended up as buy a car and we will reimburse you for mileage. I have lived in Philadelphia for 2 years without needing a car. I live in center city, parking alone is 200 a month. I'd think this is illegal if it wasn't America. I mean if the car is 400 a month and 200 for parking, I'd be giving up 600 a month to help the company. AAA reimbursement rates are 60 c a mile or something. I very much doubt I'll be coming out on top.

Will you almost always be able (and willing) to just take public transport for your job-related travel within Philadelphia, and if so do they understand that? They're not thinking you'll make more sales if you roll up in a car (fancy or otherwise...) instead of taking public transport are they?

[Cause]

Azath Vitr (D, on 06 September 2022 - 10:19 PM, said:

Cause, on 06 September 2022 - 07:01 PM, said:

My job which I loved is quickly becoming a nightmare. We are in a rapid growth phase and things change rapidly. I understand that, and for the most part my job has been wonderful and they have been supportive.

Recently though the new direction is worrying me, they asked me to get my drivers licence which I'm find with as I'd like to get it anyway and if they want me to rent cars instead of getting a Lyft when I travel to other cities fine. Then They mentioned more local travel as part of my job and a company car, than a car allowance. This seems to have ended up as buy a car and we will reimburse you for mileage. I have lived in Philadelphia for 2 years without needing a car. I live in center city, parking alone is 200 a month. I'd think this is illegal if it wasn't America. I mean if the car is 400 a month and 200 for parking, I'd be giving up 600 a month to help the company. AAA reimbursement rates are 60 c a mile or something. I very much doubt I'll be coming out on top.

Will you almost always be able (and willing) to just take public transport for your job-related travel within Philadelphia, and if so do they understand that? They're not thinking you'll make more sales if you roll up in a car (fancy or otherwise...) instead of taking public transport are they?

It’s more about traveling to say to NYC, college towns, the surrounding area around philadelphia etc.

[TheRetiredBridgeburner]

I'm so sorry to read your posts, Amph and QT. Like Tiste I've no advice at all but I wish you both the best and hope the situation resolves as best as it can for you both.

QT, I really hope your mum has a peaceful time with her family for her last days.

[QuickTidal]

TheRetiredBridgeburner, on 07 September 2022 - 08:38 AM, said:

QT, I really hope your mum has a peaceful time with her family for her last days.

Thanks so much. I'm going to try my best to make sure that's what happens.

[QuickTidal]

amphibian, on 06 September 2022 - 06:00 PM, said:

QuickTidal, on 06 September 2022 - 02:49 PM, said:

Gods, that's awful Amph. I'm so sorry you're going through that. I simply cannot imagine. We are here for support when you need us.

-------------------

On my end, my mom stopped Chemo (it was just to hard on her body for her to have any quality of life)....so now the cancer has spread to her lungs in flecks, and her back pain is intense. They are trying to find the best pain killer for her. They've given her 4-8 weeks at this point. Which is awful, and horrible and she's not ready to go.

The problem arises from my step-father. An unlikeable ass most of the time as it is, he's amped this up in the fact that his anger at what's happening (he's a "fixer" and can't fix this and doesn't know how to deal) and lashing out at people. We stopped there on our way home from a Labor Day weekend visit to the Bruce Peninsula...and it was supposed to be an hour long stop to visit and rest the kids for the rest of the car ride home...(we saw them on Friday on our way up, and they spent the day with us on Saturday in Tobermory).....but my sister and brother in law showed up and the whole thing turned into a 6+ hour discussion about the future and plans going fwd....(my sister and I have found common ground and come to terms; more in "happy" thread for those interested) and my step-dad is not only in denial still (while claiming he's not) he's lashing out when we try to help. He's not offering my mom compassion, he's basically decided that her version of "living what's left of her life" is not what he'd do...and therefore is bad. He also is like "She's not really talking to me" and my wife (health care worker) was like "Yeah, she's DEPRESSED. Of course she's not talkative."...he does not get it. We advised that they take the free social benefits of a counsellor or therapist to help them work through this so he understands...but he refuses. Says he thinks they'll call him crazy. He still talks to me like I'm a 17 years old kid that he can boss around and yell at instead of a 45 year old man, who has kids of his own...it's irritating, but I let it slide. We've sorted out that he's MUCH more worried about what happens to him after she passes. She's his whole life, and being an deeply unpleasant individual on the best of days, he's alienated EVERYONE....so basically I think he knows he's fucked after she goes and no one wants to take him in, or make sure he's looked after. He's 77, but he has two 20+ year old sons...who don't want to be involved in this, and their relationship with him is not good. My moms family won't look after him, and he damn sure won'y look after himself. My wife told him when my mom was diagnosed that he needed to start looking into what he's going to do when she goes, financially (he's for CC debt, and only has a small pension to live on)...he can't stay where they live, they can barely afford it between the two of them...but he refused to talk about that and got mad at my wife for suggesting it. 8 months later and he's not looked into it either. He talked about suicide 5 times while we were there. He angrily lashed out at me, my brother-in-law, and in one instance he even grabbed my 3 year old son by the shoulders and shook him and demand that he apologize for "hitting" him the day before (a 3 year old....)...and he's like "What's wrong with your son?"...and I'm like "Um, he's THREE..."

So yeah, what should be a grieving procsss where we get my mom to do what she wants to do, help her through the paperwork of putting her estate in order, and letting her live her life as sh wants to in her finally few months, my step-dad was all "What about ME?!"...without really saying it.

FFS he got on her case about the fact that she has a "plot" next to my grandad to be buried in...."Why do you need that? We can just spread your ashes over lake simcoe"....and I'm like "Because that's what she wants?" Like how is this so fucking hard, you selfish prick?

My brother-in-law called him on this and said "no offence, and you'll probably get mad at me...you're not offering your spouse compassion in her time of need, and you're only concern seems to be selfishly...what happens to you."

He didn't like that.

Anyways. This is awful. Made worse by the fact they they live 3.5hours from everyone on a gOOD day....so even if I wanted to be more involved, it's hard with two little ones.

I THINK we've gotten through to her that when she needs to go to Hospice (she's at 70% now, 40% is when hospice is allowed), that she needs to do so in Barrie which is close to her family (sister, my grandma, and others), and only 45min-1hr from us...so at least her time in hospice can be comfortable and surrounded by family, and not stuck on the boonies with my prick of a stepfather. Until then, I feel like it's going to be more of this nonsense with him and he's going to keep being obtuse and treat every attempt to help as an attack he needs to reject. And that sucks. I just want my moms remaining time here to be with family and comfort.

This is indeed miserable, QuickTidal.

There may be some level of "I am taking out my fears on everyone around me", which can be empathized with - but it's getting in the way of the last pieces of her life being as smooth as possible.

It may help to have your mother make a written "Honey Do" list that she can give him to work on while this is all happening, he can receive it as he wants or discard it. The advantages I saw my relative who had terminal cancer get from doing this a while ago were related to peace in knowing that wishes were expressed, that if most things on the list were addressed the surviving partner was going to be ok, and simply having a tangible thing to focus on.

You've got a great wife and a great set of kids. I am glad you have them and that your brother in law stood up for better behavior from step dad.

I hope it gets better. Moving her closer to everyone is going to make a huge difference. Is it possible to do it ASAP with paying for some of it?

Thanks man, yeah my wife and kids are really my rock in all this and provide tonnes and tonnes of support.

Unfortunately in Canada these hospice spots are a govt run situation and you can't pay for it. You can pay for in-home care, but that won't really help us with her all the way where she is sadly.

[Tiste Simeon]

Relatively minor thing in the grand scheme but it appears my Kindle (2nd or 3rd gen I think) that I've had for about 10 years has packed in. I love that thing!

[QuickTidal]

Tiste Simeon, on 07 September 2022 - 03:57 PM, said:

Relatively minor thing in the grand scheme but it appears my Kindle (2nd or 3rd gen I think) that I've had for about 10 years has packed in. I love that thing!

The silver lining if you WANT to see it, is that now you can get the Paperwhite, and it's an EXQUISITE luxury ride in comparison to even the Kindle 3, let alone 2.

[Lady Bliss]

Amph, sorry what you are going through with your wife. I hope you get out of there soon, I know how draining a bad marriage can be, and you have been such a rock to your friends and family. You deserve some peace and happiness.

QT, I read the happy thread and I hope that now that you also have your sister on your team that it helps. Are there any day trips you can take your mom on that she might enjoy while she is able to get her away from your step dad on the weekends?

Stay strong guys, you have both always been there for the rest of us when we need it. Know that we are here for you to talk or vent.

[Tiste Simeon]

QuickTidal, on 07 September 2022 - 04:43 PM, said:

Tiste Simeon, on 07 September 2022 - 03:57 PM, said:

Relatively minor thing in the grand scheme but it appears my Kindle (2nd or 3rd gen I think) that I've had for about 10 years has packed in. I love that thing!

The silver lining if you WANT to see it, is that now you can get the Paperwhite, and it's an EXQUISITE luxury ride in comparison to even the Kindle 3, let alone 2.

Yeah I'm working on my wife for one of them!

[Macros]

Liverpool tonight, so poor