[amphibian]

Yes, let's all write letters of grievance.

"To worrywort,

I worry that your witticisms and occasional misdirections are symptomatic of a deeper desire to guide me down the wrong path. I love cheeze'n'rice and cannot abide any double hockeysticks devilry in my forum diet. It pains my heart, which is a delicate and fragile bird in an off-white cage of love. Thus writing this letter pains me, as I am trying to say that I question your commitment to the greater forum good and the exaltation of Steven.

I hope that you and I rebuild our damaged relationship and that we can once more place our full trust in Steven and each other. Steven is great. I am great. You should be great too.

- amphibian"

[worry]

I gave you prophecy on my first joint, and y'all lamed out. Didn't really appreciate it till the second one came out. So I stretched the game out, etched your name out.

[Grimjust Bearegular]

Jean-Claude Van tiam, on 25 March 2013 - 07:04 PM, said:

Bearmione TROUBLEMAKER Grimger, on 25 March 2013 - 04:33 PM, said:

As for the money part...eh... I like paying my half of things and contribute to our shared financial situation, because I am not a mooch, and never will be. Mr Awesome does pay for things, like delicious Internetz and utilities, most of the rent and sometimes gets the entire check when we're out, pays fo movie tickets and such. I chip in and go halfsies on whatever I can whenever I can... But he has a rather reckless attitude towards money that worries me. It's probably because he can rely on his family should he run out, and he has people who can pay for things for him. I've never had that, and it sucks that he can't do that for me.... Yes, I would like a Sugar Daddy sometimes


Bottom line is... I have no idea. He's a relationtard, and I'm angry about words.

I dont know you as well as everyone else but my advice was different to other peoples. Im glad things have worked themselves out in a way but my advice would to be very very nice while the holiday went on and text him generally postive things and replies about his holiday. This would have given him the opinion that you were no longer a 'wet blanket' of which I have been, and others have been by the looks of things, accused of in the past. It would have made him feel better about the two of you and when he got back it wouldnt be this shadow hanging over you as soon as you meet where both of you have been worrying about it. Instead you would have been able to sit him down one night, after NOT ruining the man you loves holiday thus not being a 'downer', and reasonably talked about. That way youve protected yourself by letting yourself get over the comment a bit and also nullified the comment by being the supportive partner. Its all positive energy while hes away and when he comes back you can talk face to face with him about it rather than out of context text messages that can be read in so many ways. Especially if he sayd things the wrong way then apologises for them later, its much worse in a long distance text kind of way.

This is good advice. Only thing is, I hate being dishonest. And being happy, and supportive and stuff when I'm really feeling like a sack of shit feels genuinely wrong to me. But I'll try. I'll have to ease into it, though, so he doesn't get suspicious. And then, when he gets home, I'll welcome him with bear arms and tear him a new one...mvahahahahaha. Or maybe not

dietl, on 25 March 2013 - 08:22 PM, said:

I think I agree with tiam. You should definitely tell him because it was something that hurt you so much. Maybe I sound like a psychologist but you should write down your feelings in a letter (I think King Lear already suggested something like this). It helps to write and reflect about the situation and if you wait for a face to face talk then you will have direct access to the feelings you have now.
When you talk to him I think it would be helpful to give him "a way out", something that gives him the opportunity make it up. It already happened, the words were said, he can't travel back in time to change that. Is it enough for him to say sorry or do you think you need more to forgive him?

I shall write it down now, or just copy/paste from this thread. I'll write it as Harry Potter slash fiction, I think, to get some distance from the source material.

Don't know if an apology is enough this time around. I just want to know what he really means, and what that means for us. I am a negative person, I can't deny that fact, and there's no guarantee I'll ever "get better". So basically it's a "take it or leave it"-kind of thing. We'll see in 10 days, I guess.

Meanwhile I'm putting Operation Tiam into motion...

[worry]

When he said "bad influence" it seems like what he really meant was Debbie Downer/party pooper, and was just getting the phrase wrong. Which might have a grain of truth if you're sort of a negative, no-silver-linings type of person. But more likely than that the person saying it has gotten away with a bit of floating through life while you're bringing them a little closer to the ground. Like they receive doses of reality as if someone's raining on their parade. And you're like "Why are you having a parade? We can't afford a parade right now." Which is a whole lot different than just saying "Parades suck." He's gotta interpret the former as the latter to maintain that position of, yes, privilege that he's accustomed to. None of which is to say it's hopeless, since you're all so young. But if that's his one big flaw, and the rest is all worth it, you just have to be prepared to overcome his stubbornness about it -- and he will be stubborn about it -- with patience.

[worry]

Which is a long-winded way of saying sometimes people grate on each other, even (especially?) people who love each other, and you gotta take the long view.

[tiam]

No one expects the tiamish inquisition!

In other news I didnt actually mean lure him in with false webs of niceness, though that could possibly work but as you say you dont like being dishonest. In this instance your putting your current feelings aside until you can talk to him properly which is the sensible thing to do. As someone who has been in a long distance relationship there is nothing worse than having to talk to someone about something important on the phone. It is brutal. As you say you dont like being dishonest but is it really being that dishonest? Your just being supportive while he has a good time and during that time you can discover how you really feel about the comment, what exactly bothered you about it, yet at the same time your bf thinks your being an amazingly understanding gf and will have to rethink his 'wet blanket comment.

He comes back after a great holiday that youve asked alot about and after a day or two (sooner or later maybe but not as soon as he gets of the plane ) you just ask him what he meant by it, explain why it bothers you, find out why he said it and then you can talk about anything. In the frame of my mind hes in after youve proved him wrong about being a wet blanket hell probably apologize, which he heas done already but face to face, and then hell be more receptive to the things your actually telling him, maybe about the money situation which is an important and long term point about your relationship that you really need to get him behind as it is the source of alot of your 'downer' feelings, understandably.

If you were to go with option B and call him/text him then you run the risk of ruining his holiday which will be a sort of 'well if I cant go you cant go and enjoy yourself' which will not be your motivation but might be the result. At best you have a sort of stand offish borderline text silence that constantly builds tension up around you and him. At worst you have arguements over the phone which is the worst thing. Both of these lead to a guaranteed arguement/ tension the next time you see each other and will actually hamper the things you want to say to him as youll both be on the defensive immediately after the text Cold War. This will make the take it or leave ultimatum that you might end up with a very highly charged question rather than something you can sit down and talk about in a reasonable manner.

So option A is the better one and it really isnt dishonest. It just gives you a fighting chance, showing him you can be positive in a difficult situation and also giving you time to find out what you want to discuss with him.

[worry]

Pobody's Nerfect LOL!

[tiam]

worrywort, on 26 March 2013 - 12:04 AM, said:

Pobody's Nerfect LOL!

Get out of the Inn undermining all my worldy insights with terrible puns and reply to my timeline reply you little swine

[worry]

Oh yah I forgot about that.

[Mezla PigDog]

Gah! Worse than the day to day shit of being forced to be H&S Officer is when someone decides to have an accident. Here's a thought - don't squirt chemicals in your eyes!

[Gothos]

seems like it comes to a over-the-holidays separation with the gf. gonna try to impose a no-contact clause. shit's been getting really weird.
I'll ask you folks for a brainstorm - what do you do with a person that is completely convinced she can't bear letting go of someone? I'm not even asking for my own sake, just with me or without me, for her to ever be able to get on with her life - what to do? what to say?

[amphibian]

Ask a family member or a very close friend to keep an eye on her if you're worried about self-harming or things like that.

Otherwise, do not contact, do not reply to messages and really try to take care of everything else as best you can. It's going to hurt and it's going to suck. But people have to learn how to do without each other a bit and that if they talk about separations or break-ups as if they're going to do them, well, that's what you're going to do.

My own significant other has a habit of getting hopeless for very strange reasons, quitting the relationship and then being perfectly fine in a few days. I've chosen to not engage her in this and to stay calm - a tough task even in the best of times, but I'm getting better at it.

Trying to break her of the habit too - which is really tough when her family enables it a bit.

[High House Dark]

My anxiety is ramping up while I'm sitting here, waiting for my phone interview to start. :c

[Gothos]

amphibian, on 26 March 2013 - 10:03 PM, said:

Ask a family member or a very close friend to keep an eye on her if you're worried about self-harming or things like that.

Otherwise, do not contact, do not reply to messages and really try to take care of everything else as best you can. It's going to hurt and it's going to suck. But people have to learn how to do without each other a bit and that if they talk about separations or break-ups as if they're going to do them, well, that's what you're going to do.

My own significant other has a habit of getting hopeless for very strange reasons, quitting the relationship and then being perfectly fine in a few days. I've chosen to not engage her in this and to stay calm - a tough task even in the best of times, but I'm getting better at it.

Trying to break her of the habit too - which is really tough when her family enables it a bit.

well, no, I used to but now I understand her quite a bit better and I know there's no risk until at least May for self-harming. It's not like we want to quit the relationship itself, it's just that I've been really lenient about her past-trips and asking about everything to understand where she stands... and she complies. I know pretty much a lot more than people usually do at this point in a relationship. And don't get me wrong, I'm really the type of guy that would crucify himself if it would ultimately make things better... but today it started to look like the more lenient and understanding I am about the whole thing, the more she seems to think that it's okay to just leave things as they are - and she will never be okay if she leaves them as they are, with me or otherwise. Myself I've always been the grey type that neither offends nor ignites fire in relationships (well, okay, I do light fires in the bedroom, but it seems that's not all there is to relationships, even with sexoholics), but even I have a border of what I can take in regards to being seen as a model for how another guy might be if he was better...

Because, explain this to me. I am the better guy. Gods, she said it herself many times, with proper arguments to support the thesis. But despite being better, I'm still being sidelined, and the better I am to her, the more I get sidelined. I just don't get it at fucking all.

[Gothos]

PS. it's a lot like, and she confirmed it for me, a person with gangrene that is too afraid to cut off the leg and thus save itself. it's so goddamn hard to work with it...

[Grimjust Bearegular]

I think you have to ask yourself: Is all that work worth it?

[Gothos]

Bearmione TROUBLEMAKER Grimger, on 26 March 2013 - 10:58 PM, said:

I think you have to ask yourself: Is all that work worth it?

Well... I love her. There's just that bit. I do. And - if it's with me or not - I can't just let her waste her life. I would give my last breath... but I also want it to actually mean something.

[worry]

Gothos....are you saying there's an actual second man in her life that she can't get over? Your first post kinda reads like she's resisting separating from you, which it seems is how amph took it re: the self harm stuff and strict separation. But your response to him seems to clarify there is a worse guy she's stuck on for whatever reason, and she knows you're the better choice, and she's just not making that choice?

[Gothos]

she can't seem to make the move. no she's not resisting separating from me like a move on her part, she's very much struggling in responding in kind to what I offer and give her... my separation has its aim straight at seeing if she'd miss me at no contact as she misses him, if I've anything to fight for, despite her best intentions.
Big problem is, yeah, she's stuck on him, and she's still in love with him for whatever reasons - when are there any? She acknowledges herself that I'm being the perfect guy, everything a girl could hope or wish for in a relationship, but she can't find it in her to respond in kind with a fullest commitment, with... love. It's like a dumb circle: he was unloved and deeply hurt, then she was unloved and deeply hurt, and now I want to break that cycle. I just don't know where to go from now: is it possible that in time she'll be able to shed him and go forward in her life? Am I crucifying myself for nothing? Should I stick in her every waking moment, or should I give her space and time to work it out on her own (which she seems disinclined to do anyway)? Fuck me. Anytime before in my life I'd leave that shit long ago. But I really fell for this one I'm afraid.

GAH. Here's Gothos whining, drunk as fuck.

[Captain Beardface]

so the wife was sick with the flu last week and it seems that I am coming down with it just in time for my final in mechanical vibrations... fml