[flea]

Q: Why do men make terrible architects?

A: Because they think this:

|--------------------------------------------------------|

is twelve inches

--flea, who believes it depends on how you use it

[Raraku]

some jokes that are quite old but used to go down well in india



QUES. WHERE WILL A FRENCH PROSTITUTE GO IN PAKISTAN?

ANS. LA - WHORE! (LAHORE)


A BOY COMES BACK FROM HIS SCHOOL WITH A REPORT CARD IN HIS HAND.
REPORT CARD:
ENGLISH-A
HISTORY-A
SCIENCE-A
GEOGRAPHY-A
MATH-F
SO THE FATHER SAYS "HOW COME U GOT 'F', U R GOOD AT MATH."
SO THE SON SAYS " THE TEACHER ASKED ME WHAT 3X2 IS"
FATHER:"SO U KNOW THAT RIGHT?"
SON "YES"
FATHER "THEN?"
SON " THEN THE TEACHER ASKED ME WHAT 2X3 IS"
DAD " SO WHAT'S THE FUCKIN' DIFFERENCE?"
SON " THAT'S WHAT I SAID!!!!!!!!!!"




What's the height of globalization?

Princess Diana's death.

Why?

Because an English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was high on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles, was treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!And this is sent to you by a Filipino, using Bill Gates' technology which he stole from the Japanese. And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians and finally sold to you by the Chinese! That's globalisation!



ramayan told by an american:
So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kindofa pain in the ass and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something...since he was going,for like, something like more than 10 years or so..he decided to get his wife and his bro along..you know...so that they could all chill out together. But DUDE, the forest was reeeeaaaall scary shit..really man..they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude,Ram, kicked ass with darts and bows and arrows...so it was fine. But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (sita) and lures her away to his hood. ANd boy, was our man, and also his bro, Lakshman, pissed..And you DON't piss this son-of-a-gun cuz, he just kicks ass and like, all the gods were with him.. So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys..dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys..just go along with me, ok..so, Ram, Laksh. and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood. Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest...and anyways...it gets kind
of boring, you konw...no TV or mall or shit like that. So, they decided to hitch a ride back home...and when the people realize that, like, our dude, his bro and the wife are back home...they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice...and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days...so they couldn't take him out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit...and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also...so it was priitttty cool...you know with all those fireworks..really, they even had some local musicians play along with the fireworks.. and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, I kid you not, that was the very first music- synkronized fireworks...you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, THAT was how, like, this festival started. Diwali rocks, maaannn.


A surd(Sardar) are the the blondes of india

Letter from surds mother to him ...

Pyaarey puttar,

Vahe Guru.I'm writing this letter slow, because I know you
cannot read fast.We don't live where we did when you left
home.Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen
20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.I won't be able to
send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took
the house numbers with them for their new house so they
wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice.It even has a washing machine,situated
right above the commode.I'm not sure it works too well.Last
week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen
them since.The weather here isn't too bad.It rained only twice l
last week.The first it rained for 3 days and second time for
4 days.The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it
would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the
metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is
cutting the grass at the cemetery.Your sister had a baby
this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy,
so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.Your uncle,
Jatinder fell in a the nearby well.Some men tried to pull him
out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned.We cremated
him and he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to
fulfil his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be
buried in the sea after he died.And your friend died while in
the process of digging a grave for his father. There isn ' t
much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
THE SWIMMING POOL MANNAGER IS VERY BADMASH(rascal) .I WENT IN A BIKINI AND HE TOLD ME THAT I COULD WEAR ONLY 1 PIECE.SO NOW I AM DECIDING WHICH PIECE TO WEAR!
Love Mom.

P.S : I was going to send you some money but the envelope
was already sealed.

Regards,
Alnoor.



Subject: Sipping Vodka.......


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.



A survey was conducted by the UN world wide. The question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a HUGE failure:

In Africa they did not know what "food" meant.

In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant.

In Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant.

In South America they did not know what "please" meant.

In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant.

And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant.

[Bhurnae]

A Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she said. A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered' she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. 'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! 'That must've been scary', said the teacher. 'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!'

[Tiste Simeon]

Can't remember where I heard this, it might have been here, if so apologies for the repost...

A doctor in the morgue was shocked to see someone he knew come in as a patient. It was Mr Smith from down the road, and he was sad to see him dead. However, being a professional he did all the checks and made all the notes etc. He was surprised to find that Mr Smith had perhaps the biggest penis he had ever seen. I mean, this thing was massive. He realised that the guy hadn't been dead for too long, and this might be too good an opportunity to miss. So he went upstairs to the surgery and managed to persuade one of his surgeon buddies to do a penis transplant on him.

He went home that night feeling very satisfied with his new junk, and couldn't wait to she his wife.
'Hey honey!' he said as he got in. 'I have a surprise to show you!' And with that, he unzipped his trousers, unveiling his new appendage in all it's humongous glory.
'NO!' she screamed. 'Mr Smith is Dead!!'

[Raraku]

and some more


The newlyweds had decided to take Amtrak's "Car Train" to Florida, so
they would have the mobility of being able to use their own vehicle on
the honeymoon. They settled into one of the train's upper berths
together and cuddled. As the nite progressed, the new bride was heard
to say quite excitedly a number of times, "I just can't believe that
we're finally married Kenny."

After about the 3rd time in five minutes, a voice came out of the
dark, "God dammit Kenny !!! Will you please convince her so's we can
all get some sleep ???"



A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a
giraffe walked in.
"Get a load of her" said the mouse, "what a babe!" "Well, why not try
your luck?" replied
the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to
her. Within five
minutes they're out the door and into the night. The next day, the
lion was drinking in the
bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out,
and can hardly hold
himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink
down his throat and
said, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the
giraffe, what happened
after that? Was she all right?"
The mouse replied, "Yeah, she was really something, we went out to
dinner, had a couple
of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the
night. And oh, man!
I've never had a night like it!" "But how come you look like you're so
exhausted?" asked
the lion. "Well" said the mouse, "between the kissing and the
screwing, I must have run a
thousand miles!"



This guy was walking down the sidewalk when he sees a Little Johnny
wearing a red firefighter's hat and sitting in a red wagon which is
being pulled slowly by a large Labador Retriever. When he got a little
closer, he saw that the kid was holding a rope which is tied to the
dog's testicles, which may explain why the dog is walking so slowly.
Going up to the kid, he said,"That's a nice fire engine you got there,
but I bet it would go faster if you have the rope around the dog's
neck."
"Yeah," the kid replied."But I wouldn't have a siren."



Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked
a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you
looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company
matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased
every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."



Answering Machine Recording:
"You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press 1
now.......Now press the other one."



The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable.
The three of them decide to duck inside.
On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.
"Jesus Christ!" he says.
Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"



Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place. He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, "Did you just lick me twice in the butt?" The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

[Lancelot]

Two Irish Engineers and a Blonde.

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't Have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid The flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that It was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.


Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length.'

[Raraku]

and some more


Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don't know
where they are. The first guy says "I'll find out" and puts
his arm out the plane, then brings it back in and says
"We're just over Paris"
"How do you know" ask the others
"Well I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower."
Later on the second guy tries and says "We just flew over London"
"How?" asks the others
"Well I've just felt the top of Big Ben"
Still later on the last guy tries it, puts his arm out the
plane, and says to the others "We have just flown over Glasgow."
"How do you know that?" comes the reply.
"Because some bastard has just stolen my watch"



There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer.
Up walks a so called "lady of the night". She
says, "For $300.00, I'll do anything you want."
Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says:

Ok. Paint my house, bitch!



The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that
her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and
adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told
her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until
then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh
Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating a woman!"



A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to live with a
tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and
good Christian values. One thing he particularly stresses is the evil of
sexual sin. “Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!�

One day the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white baby.
The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the
missionary.
You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives
birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in
our village. Anyone can see what’s going on here!�

The missionary replies, “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you
have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy
yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black
one. Nature does this on occasion.�

The chief pauses for a moment then says, “Tell you what, you don’t say
anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the white baby.�



God and the Computer

In the beginning there was the computer. And God typed:

%>Let there be light!
#Please login.
%>login God
#Password?.
%>Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%>Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%>Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

%>Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%>Create light
#Done
%>Run heaven_and_earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%>Let there be firmament in the midst of waters dividing the waters
which are under and above the firmament
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%>Create firmament
#Done.
%>Run firmament
#And God created the heaven. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%>Create dry_land
#Done.
%>Run dry_land
#And God created the Earth & Seas. God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%>Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
%>Run sun_moon_stars
#And God created the sun moon and stars. And God saw there were 0
errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%>Create fish
#Done
%>Create fowl
#Done
%>Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature
that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and
every winged fowl after its kind.
#And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%>Create cattle
#Done
%>Create creepy_things
#Done
%>Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%>Create man
#Done
%>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl
of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the
earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
%>Insert breath
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
%>Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
%>Create Garden.edn
#Done
%>Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
%>Copy woman from man
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
%>Create desire
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%>Create freewill
#Done
%>Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.
%>Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%>Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.
%>Create good, evil
#Done
%>Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in
Garden.edn. 1 errors.
%>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
%>Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%>Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%>Break
%>Break
%>Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN
FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES.
PLEASE LOG OFF.
%>Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old
files before new ones can be created.
%>Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Are you sure you want to destroy earth? (Y or N)
%>Y
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY,
#MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

#MARCH 8 AT 6:01 AM
#Please login.
%>login God
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER MALFUNCTION
#USER FILE CORRUPTED * PLEASE SIGN IN AS NEW AGAIN
#SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE
%>NEW
#PLEASE ENTER A USER NAME TO BE USED ON THIS SYSTEM
%>God
#NAME ALREADY TAKEN * PLEASE CHOOSE ANOTHER NAME
%>who is God
#God = B.GATES * NO FURTHER INFORMATION AVAILABLE

#And NEW logged off

[Raraku]

and some more


A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all
he visits a Cornish farmer.

"So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie
boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the
Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.

"So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie
boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do
it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets
a farmer from Abergaveny.

"So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?" "Well, I take the
hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the
front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."

"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them
over a wall like everyone else?"

"What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"



A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins,
to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless
world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,
"Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates
filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious,
I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he
done now?" and said with trepidation,
"Well what did you name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name!
What did you come up with for my son?"

The brother replied, "Denephew."




A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few
drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly
she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at
the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible --
best sex he'd ever had.
He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with
her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the
emergency room.
A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think
her orgasm's stuck!"




A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that
says; "Get gas and free sex here". So obviously the guy was
interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay.
"Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex." said the cashier.
"Uh, okay, 3!" the man replied.
"Nope! Sorry play again".
So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the
same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was
really ticked:
"This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number to
have free sex!" He screamed.
"Oh no! It's not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times
last week alone!"




A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked..."And where were you when I got married?"

[Macros]

New Barbie Doll on the market. comes with no shoes, no clothes, no make-up, no car, no food, no house, no farm.She's called ZimBarbie! She comes with a pet cow - Mooogabie.

[Macros]

True Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, one day long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch...



But this was a long time ago and it was just one day.


The End

[Thelomen Toblerone]

A spurs fan, a rabbi and a hindu are all out in the countryside one evening, and it starts to pelt down with rain. They come across a farmhouse and ask the farmer if he can put them up for the night.

"Aye, but I've only got 2 spare rooms I'm afraid, one of you'll have to sleep in the barn" the farmer says.

"No problem," says the Rabbi, "I'll do it."

So off he goes, and then two minutes later there's a knock on the door.

It's the Rabbi, and he says "i'm sorry, but there's a pig in that barn, there's simply no way I can sleep in there."

"No problem," says the Hindu, "I'll sleep there."

So off he goes, but then two minutes later, there's a knock on the door again, and the Hindu's back.

"I'm sorry," he says, "but there's a cow in that barn, I simply cannot sleep in there."

"No problem," says the spurs fan, "I'll sleep out there."

So off he goes, and two minutes later there's a knock at the door.

It's the pig and the cow.

[stone monkey]

Man walks into a bar and orders six shots of vodka.

Bartender pours them out and asks, "What are you celebrating?"

"First blowjob." he replies and knocks the six shots back.

Bartender pours him a seventh and congratulates him.

Man knocks it back and says, "Still doesn't get the taste out of my mouth."

[Tiste Simeon]

I can get 5 of the word "and" into a sentence, next to each other, with it still making sense. Don't believe me? Well let me tell you a story:

A man had just bought a pub, and was doing it up for the grand opening. He had spruced up the interior, added new lighting, a jukebox and was planning quiz nights, kareoke etc. People were already showing interest and he had a full staff rosta.
After much careful deliberation, he decided to call the pub "The Rose and Crown" as the building was quite famous for having the leader of both sides in the War of the Roses stay there at different points throughout the civil war.
Finally the only thing left to do was have the sign painted outside. The decorator came to the pub the night before the opening, so the sign would look fresh and new the next day. Unfortunately the decorator was in a bit of a rush himself, and slapped the lettering on pretty quickly. When he was finished the owner of the pub came to look at the sign.

"The picture looks good," he said. "But I have a problem with the spacing of the letter. The space between the Rose and and and and and Crown is too far apart."

*groan*

[stone monkey]

That kind of thing used to be used in English Language Exam questions....

[Sir Thursday]

In a similar vein:

John and Paul had been sitting an exam. One of the questions was multiple choice: it was for the test taker to determine if it was correct to put 'had' or 'had had' in one of the blanks in a phrase. John, whilst Paul had had 'had', had had 'had had'. 'Had had' had had the examiner's approval.

11 hads in a row!

Sir Thursday

[Adjutant Stormy~]

Now that's just a contrivance. Using grammatically correct dependent clauses, you can string ans many as you like together.

[Sir Thursday]

Adjutant Stormy;335153 said:

Now that's just a contrivance. Using grammatically correct dependent clauses, you can string ans many as you like together.

I think you'd be hard pressed to string more than 11 together - it's not like you can just make the answers contain more hads, after all, as while it is perfectly reasonable for an exam question to ask you to decide between 'had' and 'had had', 'had had had had' vs 'had had had had had had' is another matter. But if you can show me an example, by all means go ahead.


Sir Thursday

[Adjutant Stormy~]

You can add more contestants.

[Raraku]

and some more


Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders.
The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed
before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like
drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by
a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."




There were three women sitting in a bar and they were discussing
how much their husbands could get up their crotch.
The first women said, "My husband can get his whole hand up me".
The second lady said, "My husband can get his whole head up me".
The third lady slid down the bar stool.



Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month?

Because it says right on the box "good for up to 20 pounds."




What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?

When the power goes off.



The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent
marriage annulled. "On what grounds ?" questioned the Judge, "This
court does not take annulments lightly."

"Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I
thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had
married a wide receiver."

[Tremolo]

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls.
He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.
"It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool..
They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little, and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm telling ya man...you'll have all the babes you want!"
The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
"Lard-Almighty Bubba!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"