[Dancer+]

*Roars*

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

[Lancelot]

I actually understood that.:hand:

[Flawed]

The Cult of Dessembrae;227830 said:

*Roars*

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

Flawlessly Sarcastic

[bubba]

Flawed.....the real story
http://www.bertisevil.tv/
[ATTACH]2563[/ATTACH]

[Flawed]

Bubba;227867 said:

Flawed.....the real story
http://www.bertisevil.tv/
[ATTACH]2563[/ATTACH]

Shit! ( Cue running as fast as ball and chain allow's. Obviously in an extremely handsome manner )

[Shiara]

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss
Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old
Greek lady, and a young well endowed blonde Swiss girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later
there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a
bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the
blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried
to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old
lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the
blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and
got me instead.

The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel,
just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

[Giles]

lol ive seen that joke before but the kiwi and the aussie were the other way round.

[Flawed]

Ahem.......

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a Communist Party official walking towards them.

"Let's not fight about this, we'll ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing," the man said to his wife. As the official approached, the man asked, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

[Flawed]

Two in one day eh!

Ahem.................

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

[Coco with marshmallows]

quoting Tommy Cooper? have rep, just like that

anyways:

hear about the Irish exorcism?
a woman contacted the devil to get the priest out of her son......

(awaits groans)

[Flawed]

Ahem.............

Applying for a Job at the CIA

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

[Dancer+]

*Roars*

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that god damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[Flawed]

Ahem..........

A boy is born without a torso, arms or legs. His dad loves him just the same and raises him as best he can with love and compassion. After 21 years the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells his son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out.

The bar is dead silent; then bursts with a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink another drink. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left ..... then to the right ..... right through the door, into the street, where a truck hits him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says .....

..... "He should have quit while he was a head."

[Dancer+]

Great one, flawless I might say

[cerveza_fiesta]

The Cult of Dessembrae;228782 said:

Great one, flawless I might say

wakka wakka

that was funny though.

[Flawed]

The Cult of Dessembrae;228782 said:

Great one, flawless I might say

Why thank you, it is one of my jobs as King Flawed to keep the masses smiling

[Dancer+]

I must make an attempt to come up with/find the most amusing joke since the beginnings of the Ottoman empire.

The future holds great bounty.

[Flawed]

The Cult of Dessembrae;228802 said:

I must make an attempt to come up with/find the most amusing joke since the beginnings of the Ottoman empire.

The future holds great bounty.

I have many many jokes in my treasury. You are welcome to another now if you so wish?

[Dancer+]

A joke to brighten this windy and somewhat sunless day, why not

[Flawed]

Ok, ahem...........

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?


Dam!