[lokiman]

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.� Where are you going, Coochy Coo?� asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.� The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?� She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses… �

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?� She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?�

“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie h?� She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

“But my sweet honey…at the bar….you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…�

“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?…�LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN’ HORS D’OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A F*CKIN’ BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER… GOT IT, AS*HOLE?�

…and they lived happily ever after.

[lokiman]

This happened in a little town, Norris Arm, in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s absolutely true.

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong the guy could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car started to move very slowly.The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. He had not come out of shock when, just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve.Finally, although terrified, the guy managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car. Without looking back, the guy ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town. Soaking wet exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shaken guy, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Scotch.

Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody in the bar about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing. Everyone in the bar listed in silence and became frightened, listening to this eerie story, hairs stood on end when they realized the guy was telling the truth because he was crying and he definitely was not drunk!

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, “Hey, there’s the arsehole who jumped into the car while we were pushin it!�

[Dolorous Menhir]

I feel like I should contribute. I stole this joke from someone else.


Q: How many neocons does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Neocons don't change lightbulbs. They declare a "War on Darkness" and set the house on fire.

[Lancelot]

In the style of Tommy Cooper - Old but good




Cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar".
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood"
I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags.
He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue'.
I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
work?
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made
me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came
and asked me what had happened.
I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing
a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

[Aptorian]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals.

The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... but on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it"

The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

[Aptorian]

Bad joke

A Panda bear walks into Pizza Hut, orders some pizza, and sits down.
Once he's done eating, he takes a look at the bill and rises to walk out of the resturant.

The manager and server try to stop him, saying "you have to pay for your food!"

The panda proceeds to pull out a gun and shoots the place up, the workers are terrified and ask the bear "What the hell he's doing?"

The panda hands them a dictionary, and turns the page to "panda bear"
it says "small black and white bear, native to asia. Eats shoots and leaves."

[lokiman]

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

[Sir Thursday]

A man walks into the doctor's office with a carrot sticking out of one ear, a leek out of the other and a banana up his nose. He asks the doctor what is wrong with him. The reply:

"You're not eating properly."


Sir Thursday

[ch'arlz]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

[Grumble]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."


Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jaysus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit." :eek:

[Thelomen Toblerone]

One for all you convict colonials:

Q: How do you fuck an aussie?

A: With a Jonny!

[Flawed]

What did Toto say to the Lone Ranger?...
.
.
.
.
" Thats a Horse that is! "

[Tremolo]

A: "That fight with you had with your wife last night. How did it end?"

B: "It was alright. She came back crawling on all fours."

A: "Ha ha, what did she say then?"

B: "She asked me why I was such a coward lying there under the bed."

[The Tyrant Lizard]

George Bush was given a thermos flask for his birthday, and he imediately asked what it was for. It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold, he was told.
The next day he turned up at the Whitehouse with his thermos under his arm.
'what you got in the flask?' asked his secretary.
'egg, bacon, chips and a choc-ice,' was his reply.

[caladanbrood]

Edited highlights of the chain emails I've been getting recently...



What's the difference between the Wallabies and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldn't have wasted 5 matches.

What's the difference between the Wallabies and a bra?
A bra has cups.

Why do the aussies like Ikea?
Because the furniture comes in flattened packs.

[Aptorian]

caladanbrood;213469 said:

Edited highlights of the chain emails I've been getting recently...



What's the difference between the Wallabies and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldn't have wasted 5 matches.

What's the difference between the Wallabies and a bra?
A bra has cups.

Why do the aussies like Ikea?
Because the furniture comes in flattened packs.

You know, I looked at the thread and then saw that the most recent post was by Brood and I expected something awfull and devoid of humor.

I was right

[The Tyrant Lizard]

George Bush: I want to call America an Empire.
Tony Blair: You can't do that, George. You have to be an Emperor to have an Empire.
George Bush: Ok then. I want to call America a Kingdom.
Tony Blair: You can't do that either, George. You have to be a King to have a Kingdom.
George Bush: Awww. What should I call it then?
Tony Blair: Why don't you just call it a country, George?

[Grumble]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia on vacation...

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!"

They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has died down when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, "What are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

[Grumble]

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette...

It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

[Lancelot]

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway



He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

The owner replied: "It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."



As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.



He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.



By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned



The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"



"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze "Generic religous figurehead", a couple of immigrants from a "generic" country, a "Generic" football club supporter, and anything "insert generic country"