Malazan Empire: What's bringing the bittersweet? - Malazan Empire

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What's bringing the bittersweet? For those messed up grooves that are somehow still making happy

#1 User is offline   Gust Hubb 

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Posted 03 September 2021 - 12:36 PM

A thread for those moments, events, days, etc that are nether completely messing with one's groove nor completely making you happy.

....


First time having my wife sleeping in bed with me (not working) in about 7 days, but still holding her down as she thrashed through nightmares.
"You don't clean u other peoples messes.... You roll in them like a dog on leftover smoked whitefish torn out f the trash by raccoons after Sunday brunch on a hot day."
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#2 User is offline   Aptorian 

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Posted 03 September 2021 - 04:14 PM

I was sad that the British Comedian Sean Lock passed away but in turn I've now had a 8 out of 10 cats does Countdown relapse and am rewatching all the clips uploaded to YouTube over and over.

It's so good.
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#3 User is offline   Tiste Simeon 

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Posted 03 September 2021 - 06:59 PM

View PostAptorian, on 03 September 2021 - 04:14 PM, said:

I was sad that the British Comedian Sean Lock passed away but in turn I've now had a 8 out of 10 cats does Countdown relapse and am rewatching all the clips uploaded to YouTube over and over.

It's so good.

Yes this! I have so many clips popping up on Facebook and YouTube of some of his best moments and I'm having a good chortle.
A Haunting Poem
I Scream
You Scream
We all Scream
For I Scream.
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#4 User is online   Gorefest 

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Posted 03 September 2021 - 09:19 PM

Carrot in the box.
She went and she left me like litter. She took all future summers with her. I lost all my money cuz I tried to bribe her. Now I can only afford an amateur sniper.
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#5 User is offline   bubba 

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Posted 03 September 2021 - 11:09 PM

View PostAptorian, on 03 September 2021 - 04:14 PM, said:

I was sad that the British Comedian Sean Lock passed away but in turn I've now had a 8 out of 10 cats does Countdown relapse and am rewatching all the clips uploaded to YouTube over and over.

It's so good.


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#6 User is online   Gorefest 

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Posted 03 September 2021 - 11:38 PM

Saw him live a few years ago. One of the few comedians I have seen who can genuinely make something funny out of absolutely nothing. Deadpan raised to an art form.
She went and she left me like litter. She took all future summers with her. I lost all my money cuz I tried to bribe her. Now I can only afford an amateur sniper.
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#7 User is online   Gorefest 

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Posted 03 September 2021 - 11:50 PM

But back to the topic at hand, certain songs can at some times really lift me and at other times drop me in a massive melancholy/sad mood. Sometimes within the space of the song itself even. Stuff like 'When the sun hits' by Slowdive, 'I'll take you' by De Staat, 'Fast car' by Tracy Chapman, 'a forest' by the Cure or 'Easy' by dEUS. It is a weird vibe between hauntingly beautiful, compelling and profoundly melancholical; as if something that you can barely sense but deeply yearn for is just fleeting from right within your grasp and you're not really sure if you should reach for it or shy away from.
She went and she left me like litter. She took all future summers with her. I lost all my money cuz I tried to bribe her. Now I can only afford an amateur sniper.
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#8 User is offline   worry 

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Posted 03 September 2021 - 11:55 PM

Literally listening to that Slowdive song as I read that. Itís been popping up on my YouTube generated playlists a lot lately.
They came with white hands and left with red hands.
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#9 User is offline   Tsundoku 

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Posted 04 September 2021 - 01:11 AM

View Postworry, on 03 September 2021 - 11:55 PM, said:

Literally listening to that Slowdive song as I read that. Itís been popping up on my YouTube generated playlists a lot lately.


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#10 User is offline   Azath Vitr (D'ivers 

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Posted 04 September 2021 - 03:04 AM


'Like an Eagles fan to a light post, like a dumpster pool to a block party, like a dancing Elmo to a flaming scrapyard, it was only a matter of time before someone jumped into the flooded highway in the middle of Philadelphia.

[...] executing a backflip off an overpass into the likely sewage-filled channel below.

[...] "Stay out of the water, stay out of the water, stay out of the mud," [...]
"If you did that, I would certainly advise you to go get a tetanus shot, among other things."

[...] Mayor [...] Kenney[:] "Don't do stupid stuff," he quipped, while also suggesting social media was responsible for driving people to do things like this.'
https://billypenn.co...y-tetanus-shot/

Was thinking it's almost too bad the water wasn't more toxic, and they had already reached reproductive age... then I read:

'setting up her classroom involves clearing plaster, dust and paint chips from tables, chairs and desks. Somewhere, a leak has allowed water to seep through the walls. Years of deferred maintenance have caused dust and paint chips to scatter across the room. This debris is not just a brazen reminder of state abandonment of public education ó it is an active vector of harm. A report released this spring revealed an asbestos epidemic creeping through Philadelphia schools.


During the 2019 school year, 11 schools closed because of toxic physical conditions; a veteran teacher is suffering from mesothelioma, a lethal disease caused by asbestos. [...] "[...] the first thing I would do is start reallocating money to fix the buildings," she told me. "They're just really dangerous."'
https://www.nytimes....bt-economy.html
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#11 User is offline   Gust Hubb 

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Posted 13 September 2021 - 01:26 AM

It was a good and promising weekend. Picked apples with the wife and step-daughters, fell asleep on the couch reading books together with the wife, played a GERP with the sister and her friends, the wife was home two nights in a row and even cooked a dinner for the first time in a long time.

And then, this evening, while watching the first episode of Post-Mortem, a scene where the main character almost gets cremated triggered memories in my wife and she ran. I don't know where she drove off to, though I suspect she is visiting one of her work friends for comfort I am obviously unable to give. I think one of the worst parts was her seeing the hurt and "don't leave" in my eyes, and still rushing out that door. So the memories of this weekend are now hazed out a bit as I sit at home alone.
"You don't clean u other peoples messes.... You roll in them like a dog on leftover smoked whitefish torn out f the trash by raccoons after Sunday brunch on a hot day."
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#12 User is online   TheRetiredBridgeburner 

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Posted 13 September 2021 - 08:37 AM

GH: I'm sorry your pleasant time this weekend was spoiled by your wife's later behaviour. I never feel like I have anything useful to add that others don't put far more eloquently and with more understanding, but I do read all of your posts and I truly wish you and your family happiness, in whatever form that ends up taking.

Mr Not a Blacksmith and I visited my dad this weekend. My parents are divorced (15 years ago) and my dad has never really gotten over it and goes through phases of being lonely and I think at least a little depressed - at times like that he gets in touch a lot (excessively) and I end up in something of a babysitting role because I feel guilty if I don't at least try to help. These phases have in the past routinely culminated in dad lashing out and being very nasty to me, so Si came with me because he invariably behaves when he has an audience.

This led to us having quite an in depth conversation about how my dad treated me during the divorce (my mum moved away to be near her family and I stayed with dad because I was in the middle of my A Levels and didn't want to move). Without boring with the details he took the divorce and all his bitterness and anger out on me and was routinely dismissive of my hurt and emotional needs at the time (and since), mocking of any of my achievements (I got good A Levels despite this going on, for example) and often (I think deliberately) cruel. Talking it through for the first time in so many years really made it clear the straight lines I can draw from how he treated me to so many anxious and self-effacing behaviours I have to this day. It is also quite clear I ended up in my previous abusive relationship because I was following the emotionally unavailable, cruel and dismissive patterns I had seen modelled by my dad towards both my mum (towards the end of their marriage) and me.

When I talk about bitterness about the divorce, 15 years on he still won't refer to my mum by name, can't help himself but make the odd sly dig and referring to "we shoud never have got married" still and isn't above getting into a childish strop when I say I'm doing something with mum - so it's not an unfounded accusation.

The reason this is in here is because depsite it being deeply unpleasant to go through it, I wrote it all down for the first time and have decided to seek a counsellor to talk it all through and see if I can develop some strategies to help me a little more. I made the decision to forgive my dad and try to maintain a relationship with him, knowing full well it is the last thing his cruelty deserved. I think it's the first time I've really given myself the credit for that and accepted that though I will have zero resolution with him - when confrornted with things he's said, he goes through complete denial he said any such thing, then claiming you misinterpreted or misheard, and then that you should have known he "didn't mean it like that", but at no point will you ever get an apology or any show of remorse - that doesn't mean I can't seek some personal closure. It feels positive to be in a place where I want to tackle it and also firmly believe I deserve to feel better.

This post has been edited by TheRetiredBridgeburner: 13 September 2021 - 09:08 AM

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#13 User is offline   Mezla PigDog 

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Posted 13 September 2021 - 12:22 PM

Nice work TRB. It's crazy how parents handling divorce badly reverberates through your adult life. Mine split when I was a similar age to you were, over 25 years ago and I have recently realised that time created a few of my less healthy personality traits.
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#14 User is offline   Gust Hubb 

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Posted 16 September 2021 - 09:15 PM

First couple's counseling session today. Mostly setting the stage for future conversations by getting the overall picture of what we are getting counseling for and our respective histories. It is going to take a whole other session to get past the mere highlights of our history, especially with so many huge topics only slightly touched upon. She was crying on and off through most of it, understandable in part because of all the people in her life (like her 3 month old daughter) who have died.

We seem to have a good counselor and I am encouraged by having a something in motion for maybe repairing our relationship. There was a telling moment during the session where the counselor compared a past stressful job I had where I was quickly burning out to the current stressors of her job, and asking her if it felt like a similar situation. She did acknowledge the similarities, which was nice.

So now, another session next week, and hopefully this will begin to untangle things enough to keep us going or help me find out if things cannot be salvaged.
"You don't clean u other peoples messes.... You roll in them like a dog on leftover smoked whitefish torn out f the trash by raccoons after Sunday brunch on a hot day."
~Abyss

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#15 User is offline   worry 

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Posted 16 September 2021 - 09:38 PM

Good luck, GH. Getting everything out there in a structured setting can only be a good thing at this point, whatever ultimately happens.
They came with white hands and left with red hands.
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#16 User is offline   Azath Vitr (D'ivers 

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Posted 29 September 2021 - 09:34 PM

Getting cool enough out I can wear my bulletproof hoodie---and lug my rifle-stopping plate around in my backpack without overheating... but cool enough in my apartment I may soon have to start wearing clothes or turn on the heat (bad for the planet and a waste of money). Since I've stopped fasting to slow aging (possibly dangerous during the pandemic, because it can temporarily weaken the immune system) I've been bathing in near-infrared light, which requires exposed skin (though I could try doing one bodily section at a time and/or bringing the light closer to heat me---either way it will almost certainly be more time-consuming if I want to expose most of my body).

Was wondering why one of my favorite local directors had stopped doing shows a few years ago. Probably because he got shot by a mugger (he actually did get shot...). Shootings of random bystanders are up. If I do get a booster shot in the ghetto, hopefully no one will notice my hoodie is bulletproof and try to mug me for it.
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#17 User is offline   Whisperzzzzzzz 

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Posted 30 September 2021 - 04:00 AM

View PostAzath Vitr (D, on 29 September 2021 - 09:34 PM, said:

Getting cool enough out I can wear my bulletproof hoodie---and lug my rifle-stopping plate around in my backpack without overheating... but cool enough in my apartment I may soon have to start wearing clothes or turn on the heat (bad for the planet and a waste of money). Since I've stopped fasting to slow aging (possibly dangerous during the pandemic, because it can temporarily weaken the immune system) I've been bathing in near-infrared light, which requires exposed skin (though I could try doing one bodily section at a time and/or bringing the light closer to heat me---either way it will almost certainly be more time-consuming if I want to expose most of my body).

Was wondering why one of my favorite local directors had stopped doing shows a few years ago. Probably because he got shot by a mugger (he actually did get shot...). Shootings of random bystanders are up. If I do get a booster shot in the ghetto, hopefully no one will notice my hoodie is bulletproof and try to mug me for it.


Where do you live that these are daily concerns?
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#18 User is offline   Azath Vitr (D'ivers 

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Posted 01 October 2021 - 03:01 AM

View PostWhisperzzzzzzz, on 30 September 2021 - 04:00 AM, said:

View PostAzath Vitr (D, on 29 September 2021 - 09:34 PM, said:

Getting cool enough out I can wear my bulletproof hoodie---and lug my rifle-stopping plate around in my backpack without overheating... but cool enough in my apartment I may soon have to start wearing clothes or turn on the heat (bad for the planet and a waste of money). Since I've stopped fasting to slow aging (possibly dangerous during the pandemic, because it can temporarily weaken the immune system) I've been bathing in near-infrared light, which requires exposed skin (though I could try doing one bodily section at a time and/or bringing the light closer to heat me---either way it will almost certainly be more time-consuming if I want to expose most of my body).

Was wondering why one of my favorite local directors had stopped doing shows a few years ago. Probably because he got shot by a mugger (he actually did get shot...). Shootings of random bystanders are up. If I do get a booster shot in the ghetto, hopefully no one will notice my hoodie is bulletproof and try to mug me for it.


Where do you live that these are daily concerns?


Philadelphia.

'As vaccination efforts continue, COVID-19 isnít the most serious threat facing some Philadelphians. Consider gun violence.

Gun violence is far more of a threat to some.'

https://www.inquirer...y-20210927.html
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#19 User is offline   Aptorian 

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Posted 01 October 2021 - 03:15 AM

Azath, you're not being ambitious enough.

Imagine this movie line:

"Azath Vitr built that Environmental Ironman suit in an apartment with a box of scrap!"
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#20 User is offline   Azath Vitr (D'ivers 

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Posted 01 October 2021 - 06:54 PM

View PostAptorian, on 01 October 2021 - 03:15 AM, said:

Azath, you're not being ambitious enough.

Imagine this movie line:

"Azath Vitr built that Environmental Ironman suit in an apartment with a box of scrap!"


Even better, I found an old wallet and put $20 in so the muggers would be satisfied. Hid my keys in an inside pocket of my hoodie (considered a strap under my scrotum---not too fond of putting stuff up my butt). #SuperHeroism


Walking down was thinking, this doesn't look so bad... then like a horror movie jump scare, West Philadelphia High School flashed on the horizon (a large % of shootings are by teenagers)... then a car with a shattered windshield (gunshots? no---I don't think so...), then a Black guy giving me a hard stare (probably just gawking at my mask)....

Was repeating my made-up name, address, phone, and email like a mantra. Muttering it to myself over and over when no one was close enough to hear. Meditating a bit.

No line whatsoever. Only one person there for the vaccine, waiting their 15 minutes, who left about a minute after I arrived.

Next time I make up an identity I need to remember to come up with a date of birth and occupation ahead of time... and use a VPN to anonymously create a phone number and email I know won't bounce (on the plus side, if it does bounce, they may realize I was using a fake identity and not count me in the supposed 80% of Philadelphians who have received at least one shot---I suspect a nontrivial % of those have gotten boosters under aliases). I passed the oral interview well enough (doubt they've ever refused someone on
suspicion of made-up identity anyway).

While I was waiting my 15 minutes, young white guy came in and announced, 'I understand that I'm eligible for a booster shot because I'm an essential worker.' He left to get his vaccination card or something. (I went to one of the only places that doesn't require ID.)

I was feeling some anxiety about the workers trying my email, finding it bounced, and confronting me about it and/or calling the cops (though I haven't heard of anyone being arrested or prosecuted for this, I could imagine eventually being fined or something...).

Then an Ethiopian-looking guy with an Ethiopian (or Eritrean, I don't know the difference) accent came in. (Vaccination center is at the library near a large immigrant community from many different parts of Africa---East Africa, West Africa, North Africa at least. Lots of African restaurants, Ethiopian community center nearby, Islamic community center, Black women in burqas, etc.) They were trying to persuade him to get vaccinated. He said he has to work. They mentioned that if he didn't want to wait the 15 minutes he could leave at his own risk. At that point I realized the clock I had been staring at was not moving at all (at first I thought it just lacked a second hand) and had the wrong time. I wanted to get past the High School before school let out, so I bolted.

Now my arm is sore, but otherwise I feel elated. Going to get in as much practice and studying as I can before the fever and fatigue take me.

This post has been edited by Azath Vitr (D'ivers: 01 October 2021 - 07:25 PM

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