[amphibian]

cerveza_fiesta, on 08 July 2014 - 05:28 PM, said:

In my case, a heartfelt well-wishing to my sister and her husband is probably the best bet. His people will appreciate some restraint, my people will likely be drunk at that point and won't care either way as long as my sister is happy with it. The best man and groomsman are the groom's 2 younger brothers, and are sure to deliver a more unsavory speech than me, so no need for all of us to gang up.

I think I'll keep it relatively short too. When a speech is carefully crafted, you can deliver a lot of meaning in under 3 minutes. That's pretty common in small business pitching. More than an elevator pitch, but long enough to say what needs saying without some kind of audiovisual accompaniment. I've been at my share of weddings where the speeches went on for ages and you keep thinking "is it impolite for me to refill my drink in the middle of this boring-ass monologue?".

9/10. Would happily sit at your family's wedding and maintain awesome and politely inebriated cheer throughout.

Only thing missing is a lack of Hulk Hands to hold the mic and bosh the next speaker for daring to step to your greatness.

[worry]

If you're sticking to the one joke rule, I suggest it be The Aristocrats.

[QuickTidal]

D, on 08 July 2014 - 03:23 AM, said:

Abyss, on 08 July 2014 - 12:36 AM, said:

amphibian, on 07 July 2014 - 09:47 PM, said:

Except opinions about content and length of speeches.

No more than three minutes each and no embarrassing stories about the bride and groom however well meant, please.

YOU GET ONE JOKE. ONE.

Why are you guys so stuck on that? I've been to weddings where one of the speeches (a great one by the MotB comes to mind, actually) made lots of jokes at the bride or groom's expense and it went over fantastically with everyone. I'm sure there are families that wouldn't enjoy this, but why assume CF's is like that when you know nothing about them?

While an innocuous, mostly heartfelt "tame" speech with one joke will either go over REALLY well or just well/decent...a speech that is full of jokes has only one of two outcomes: either everyone will get it and laugh (rare)...or they will be offended, causing the bride or groom to get offended, or deal with offense and the fallout could last weeks (if not lifelong in the case of some relatives).

So the safer of the two options is to keep the joking to a minimum and go with the heartfelt, non-jokey speech.

[QuickTidal]

amphibian, on 08 July 2014 - 06:31 PM, said:

9/10. Would happily sit at your family's wedding and maintain awesome and politely inebriated cheer throughout.

I want the bolded bit to be me at every social gathering from here on out.

[cerveza_fiesta]

Politely inebriated....ha. Knowing this crowd, we'll go a few levels beyond that, but speeches tend to happen earlier on before the liquor takes hold.

I've learned more of my duties too. Apparently the speech isn't technically required, but will be expected nonetheless regardless of my sister's opinion. I will have to suit up, witness a legal document, and be the usher/refreshment purveyor pre–ceremony. Also drive people around earlier on in the evening.

[Gnaw]

cerveza_fiesta, on 08 July 2014 - 12:40 PM, said:

Plan is to go to their camp, do a canoe run down a river, do some skeet shooting in the evening and then party all night. My role there is to organize the day's events, prevent excessive drunk driving and generally be the safety patrol.

Ok. My joke about the .44? It's no longer a joke.

Wedding stresses, shotguns, and booze? Not a good idea.

[amphibian]

Nah, skeet shooting before the booze time is just fine. It's fun, too.

[Abyss]

D, on 08 July 2014 - 03:23 AM, said:

Abyss, on 08 July 2014 - 12:36 AM, said:

amphibian, on 07 July 2014 - 09:47 PM, said:

Except opinions about content and length of speeches.

No more than three minutes each and no embarrassing stories about the bride and groom however well meant, please.

YOU GET ONE JOKE. ONE.

Why are you guys so stuck on that? I've been to weddings where one of the speeches (a great one by the MotB comes to mind, actually) made lots of jokes at the bride or groom's expense and it went over fantastically with everyone. I'm sure there are families that wouldn't enjoy this, but why assume CF's is like that when you know nothing about them?

Because for every wedding you're referring to are six. teen. thousand. where the speeches are awful for a variety of reasons and i've been sitting in the crowd suffering at most of them.

Also, this...

Una, on 08 July 2014 - 05:33 AM, said:

1. No jokes at the couple's expense. It's fine if it goes over well, but if it goes over badly, it will go fantastically badly. Like, "one side of the family holding it against the other forever" badly. ...

Illuyankas, on 08 July 2014 - 07:57 AM, said:

Just don't do any jokes or tell any unedited tales that would upset a grandparent....

amphibian, on 08 July 2014 - 04:03 PM, said:

Because I've been to a wedding where someone tried to be a stand-up comedian and it failed and many weddings where someone went on for 10 minutes repetitively about how much they love the bride or groom and how life is going to be awesome. Inside jokes are also not recommended.

If someone wants to declare the undying love/future happiness of a couple for a long time, they should do it for the video cameras and not when everyone else has to pay attention to the speech and politely clap at the end, while wishing we'd been able to eat, drink, talk, dance and mingle instead of listening to that shmaltz.

...short, sweet, sincere and unless you're Sarah Silverman or Jerry Seinfeld don't try to be because it fails far more often than it doesn't and no one will tell you so to your face. Unless they're really drunk or hate you.

cerveza_fiesta, on 08 July 2014 - 05:28 PM, said:

..., a heartfelt well-wishing to my sister and her husband is probably the best bet. His people will appreciate some restraint, my people will likely be drunk at that point and won't care either way as long as my sister is happy with it. The best man and groomsman are the groom's 2 younger brothers, and are sure to deliver a more unsavory speech than me, so no need for all of us to gang up.

I think I'll keep it relatively short too. When a speech is carefully crafted, you can deliver a lot of meaning in under 3 minutes. That's pretty common in small business pitching. More than an elevator pitch, but long enough to say what needs saying without some kind of audiovisual accompaniment. I've been at my share of weddings where the speeches went on for ages and you keep thinking "is it impolite for me to refill my drink in the middle of this boring-ass monologue?".

You are wise beyond your years and province of origin.
Also, if the younger bros nail it, great, and if they blow it, yours will look that much better.

Just by virtue of them being younger and the Groom's bros, it makes more sense for you to go the sincere route.

[cerveza_fiesta]

@abyss


yep, I'm an older bro (didn't mention that) by a few years, so I'm much more of a guardian/leader figure in her eyes I think, and upon reflection our relationship was never built on teasing and sibling infighting.

In that light I see the heartfelt well-wishing is way to go by a solid margin.

Also, my first name is neither Jerry nor Sarah, and my last name is neither Silverman nor Seinfeld. A rather boring Ian McLeod actually...and my voice is kinda nasal and overly loud, so that clinches it.

Score for me today though, I was re-recruited into playing some ambient guitar songs pre-ceremony with another buddy who will be in attendance. He plays a mean mandolin and sings like a bird, and neither of us are half-bad on guitar. Much more fun in my eyes than being a pre-ceremony gopher.

[HiddenOne]

I just spend 20 minutes looking for a picture of the Highlander holding a guitar instead of a sword, because this thread deserves it

[Messremb]

HiddenOne, on 10 July 2014 - 08:59 PM, said:

I just spend 20 minutes looking for a picture of the Highlander holding a guitar instead of a sword, because this thread deserves it

I just spent 17 seconds and found one



Also, no decent advice to offer beyond what has already been said.


Although, wedding organisers? WTF? We've got everything sorted by ourselves with no issues to date. All we need is an actual date now

[Mezla PigDog]

Highlander is the first thing I thought from reading that too. Maybe he can chop someone's head off at the wedding, steal their powers. His sister is marrying outside the clan it sounds like so there should be some blood letting.

[cerveza_fiesta]

If there was any bloodletting to be done, it would be mine. And a lot of it.

The groom's younger brothers are scary individuals.

Yeah, no wedding planners. That's probably why my mum and the groom's mum are tearing their hair out right now trying to get everything done at the last minute! Ha.

[Satan]

You have all put a serious monkey wrench in my monkey plans for next weekend. My best man's speech was planned to revolve around a series of lies about the groom (because despite knowing him for 30 years, not a single anecdote comes to mind).

Why the fuck did that fucker go and fucking choose me as best man?! What the hell was he thinking?! He must have known that the few sincere moments we've had together would never be manifested at a wedding party! We've been mates for 30 fucking years!

...but wait, doesn't the fact that he knows me for an arseholes give me carte blanche to say whatever I want to say?

[amphibian]

Depends if you want to sex a bridesmaid or not.

[Satan]

I always did want to shag a married lady. So you're saying I should go full tilt arsehole with my speech and manner here?

[Abyss]

Satan, on 31 July 2014 - 07:02 AM, said:

I always did want to shag a married lady. So you're saying I should go full tilt arsehole with my speech and manner here?

Go watch THE WEDDING CRASHERS. Steal your speech from there.

[cerveza_fiesta]

Here's the speech I laid down last week at the wedding. It fucking destroyed all the other speeches and basically made me a hero for good. I was very surprised at the amount of positive feedback and compliments I got for this. It even got some of the ladies crying a bit.

clocked in at just over 2 minutes. Perfect.

=========================================

I started out writing this thinking about how I know, and knew, [Sister's name]. Growing up, [Sister's name] was a best buddy as well as a younger sister. We did nearly everything together, from family vacations, to collecting crabs on the beach, to boating, to Summer camp, to damn near anything else you can think of. From these shared experiences, we both ended up with similar personality traits, and that works just fine for a brother and sister.

Then a thought struck me while I was thinking about how to describe what makes a good couple. I thought first about the Proud [His Surname]: They are a diligent, reliable, jocular, ambitious, athletic sort. I then thought of the Gregarious [Her Surname]: Reflective, artistic, charming, musical, practical...these are all good, important qualities, and we look for them ALL in a person.

The problem is "A" person can never hope to realize or represent them all fully. You need more than one person to make that ideal entity, where the ambition is flavoured by artistry.....the gregariousness magnified by jocularity….the pride tempered by charm.


I know this isn't a particularly original notion, but it's one I truly, wholeheartedly believe in. That magical effect that's created when the blend and balance are just right - it's a big part of what's kept [His and Her name] together thus far, and it's a major reason everyone else loves to see them together. There's a collective realization that our ideal is created not by a lone soul, but through a perfect pairing. In that light, I'm deeply happy to see this realization made manifest here today, and that my best buddy found a fine Gentleman like [His name] to share her future with.

Now, I love happy endings as much as the next sissy, but happy beginnings are even better. Let's raise our glasses then - to the end of [his and her name]'s "dating phase", and to the beginning of a long, happy marriage.

=====================================

This post has been edited by cerveza_fiesta: 11 August 2014 - 05:40 PM

[amphibian]

That's beautiful. A+, would buy a couple fingers of scotch for.

[cerveza_fiesta]

amphibian, on 11 August 2014 - 02:46 PM, said:

That's beautiful. A+, would buy a couple fingers of scotch for.

that's exactly what happened, except replace "a couple" with "way too many".

Had a good hangover the day after that.