[GaesII]

Yeah hun...I know:)

I do like it hun......strikes a chord,you know?

[Orfantal]

Glad you do hun

Very pleased you do... yeah babe I guess it does, I know just what you mean

[Oceao]

There's a lot of interesting work here. I've noticed quite a bit of first person narration, ie a lot of 'I', 'You', and 'We' etc. I used to write in a similar way and have recently been messing around with trying to ignore my first impulse to tell a story that way and instead create a new setting with non-personal words that can convey the same emotion.

@ Orf
Re: Behind the Smiles
I like some of the new lines in your second version, but liked the lack of pronouns in the first.

[GaesII]

Well,I've decided to brave the pack of wolves that circles the poetry thread and post something I wrote last night.


~Emancipation~

My world
revolves
around the dark I crave
and the
void
within where a light
once fiercely
burned

My fear
I
despise as it's rage
devours and
compells
me to pop the
pill that
balances
my insanity and restores
the equilibrium

My love
I
reserve for the one
who soothes
with
a raft of seductive words that
inspire me
to
seek out the light and
rekindle the
passion
to live.

[Orfantal]

Wow Beth, that's absolutely beautiful hun.... love that very much indeed, really like the way you've built and structured it, and it has some lovely use of words, but more than anything the message behind it is very strong and hits at the emotions. Fantastic babe.

Hope your light always burns strongly

[GaesII]

Aww..shucks!*blush*

For..once..I..enjoyed..the..structured..way..it..developed..and..overall..I'm..happy..with..it.

Glad..YOU..like..it..babe:)

Thank..you..honey:placate:

[Orfantal]

Well it is damn good honey!

Yeah I do love the way that you've set that structure without losing any of the feeling behind it .. or the organic way it grows and develops ... you SHOULD be happy with it

I LOVE it hun

Well ... you know


Damn isn't this annoying - "You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to GaesII again."

[GaesII]

Well....I..dunno....

I..am..hun,very..happy..with..it.One..of..those..ones..that..just..seemed..to..f
low..without..too..much..trouble,you..know?

VERY..glad..about..that..sweetie:)

[Orfantal]

Well IMHO anyway!

You should be .. it's very good indeed, yeah one of those rare ones where you can get down just what you mean or feel

I do .. absolutely LOVE it

[Chaos]

Apologies for the delays, everytime I try to sit down and read from here something goes off, it's crazy. Anyways, I've looked through all of them bar Gaesii which I want to read more carefully once I've finished digesting the other ones. Should get onto tonight , I'm looking forward to it


Conscience

A bleak piece (which ofc I like ). It's slow and never really picks up a line to smash you around the head with yet by the end of the piece I was really wrapped up in it. I'm surprised by how much I like this one actually. I think by having this smooth running monologue at a regular and unyeildingly measured and steady pace that in itself adds to the feelings expressed by the poet, the one persisting feeling I got when I finished was the.. magnitude in terms of length of time. The best way for me to describe it is that feeling of eternity you get when you read about the scene in a certain sword. Like I said no particular line that I could pick out but a great overall piece


====================
====================

Taken


A different style to what I'm used to from you, I found the second stanza lacking although good recovery with the third one, "once whetted on your trust" just strikes a chord in me that I really like and leads up to a good finish. Don't know what else to say lol


======================
======================

Orf said:

Embrace

I held my daughter close last night,
a moments comforting embrace.
An opportunity welcomed
despite the hurt that made her seek
this all too rare and fleeting help.
That hidden vulnerability
revealed and open in her need.
I closed my eyes and pulled her close,
soothing away the pain she felt
while offering my love instead
Then as I watched her walk away,
the curtain of adulthood’s poise
drawn tight about her once again,
I smiled and blinked my blurring eyes,
remembering that little girl
I held so many precious times.

Embrace I thought was freakin awesome. I'm not a happy sort of poem guy (Ignores the cries of disbelief) but that rocked. Okay there's a sad element in there but it left me feeling positive. I just read through it and before I knew it I was at the end. It's one of those poems that you absorb rather than reading the words cos you can relate to the topic. Now true, I don't have kids but there's an underlying theme that strikes me deep and it's so smoothly written that it just keeps on pulling you in. That's what I love most about your work, the way you get it to run so well (you git! )
========================
========================

Helpless To Help

How long did it take you to write this one? Curiosity begs, not because of any faults in the writing just wondering if you can vent your words straight out onto the paper or if you have to work on it a bit afterwards? A "Venter" which I can certainly relate to.


===============
===============


Called-by-the-Voices

Called said:

Just a little piece of poetry done by me. I know it's nothing special, but stil...
------------------

One Step From Immortality


In infinity we drown
You and I
Hand in hand,
Eyes steadfast
Alas
If we only knew
That infinity is too small
For our love

Hey and welcome A nice small piece, I almost felt that the ending didn't quite have the punch it needed although it's clear where you were going with it, but then again maybe that's the entire point.. oo that's deep ! lol good stuff !
=================


The last one Orf. First was a good idea yet too disjointed (reminded me of my work) , second was ok but its clear the third is better. Why? Please dont ask me that, my dinner is already going cold lol. Kudos for going back and working on it though, although it goes against the Chaos' School of Poetry

[Orfantal]

Hey chaos - always good to see your comments

Re Conscience, yeah it is pretty bleak and slow moving without an obvious crescendo. Maybe that's created that sense of eternity you feel .. for me it's more about an ever present .. constant reminder of my failings .. an acknowledgement that having that conscience won't stop me in what I do.. but knowing it's still there makes me feel more human .. even if at times I choose to ignore it

Well it's interesting that you find Taken so different as to me it was merely continuing the same theme although getting more into relationships.. and perhaps when my conscience was particularly plaguing me. While they're quite different in style the thing that stands out for me is the time it took to write them. I'd really struggled to get writing again and had taken ages trying to finish Perspective.. and Conscience also took quite a while that evening, yet as soon as I'd finished it I wrote Taken in less than 10 minutes :confused:

Embrace I'm proud of .. and it was very much driven by a moment with my eldest a few nights back Guess it was an unexpected pleasure to be needed for that hug.. doesn't happen so often these days and it left mw a little wistful. My only concern with it was that it might be too similar to this, which is a lot older but for the same daughter and for similar reasons, it's one I posted here a long time ago

The Willow

I heard my daughter laugh last night
and turned glancing at her,
so poised and elegant.
A willow, tall and graceful,
glowing in the spring of life,
not bowed or bent by any breeze.
My breath caught a moment
as I was clasped in the gentle grip
of warm contented pride.
But still a single tear of cool
regret tiptoed it’s silent path past
the dimpled hillock of my smile,
remembering a bounding breathless
child that used to sit upon my knee.

Just didn't want them to feel the same


Helpless To Help again had a very real inspiration and somthign that meant a lot to me.. I think I wrote it in a couple of spells a few minutes long, while at work. So I don't think it was thought out too much.. as you say a venter!!

Hm interesting .. opinion seems divided between the second and the third. Well if nothing else it shows it's been worth having a go at the rewrite

[kelticat]

here is a crappy one i wrote this morning....it took all of two minutes i just wanted to vent it out so the structure is absolutely awful but anyways....

You made me cry again last night
But the tears i cried were your pain
The feelings you felt finally came into sight
And they were enough to drive me completely insane.

You are struggling to swim above water
While i moved forward to pastures new
I am sorry you left and now are alone
But what did you really expect me to do?

Sit around and just wait for you?

I smile each day now after you left
I found a new love and i laugh once again
I am sorry you felt me pulling away
I just didn't feel like i could really stay.

You will always have a piece of my heart
As a friend i will always love you
I am sorry you felt abandoned and scared
But i never left, i'm always here for you.

You left and now you are alone
But my friendship you will always have...

[GaesII]

Written a little earlier



Dying

Bathe in my life blood
become me.
Exorcise the demons within.

Suck from me the poison
that blackens
my petrified soul.

See the world through
my eyes.
Then tell me you believe.

Ridicule me as I flounder in
self pity.
Save me from the fall.

Carve for me a world in which
I believe.
Rescue me from myself.

Please.

[Orfantal]

Kelticat - sounds a real vent, can feel the emotion behind it and the concern

Gaessi .. wow honey you're on a real roll and this is another great one. Very dark, anguished even, and a real plea for help from the heart. Love the structure and flow in this one too ... Makes me feel very sad to read it, although I hope that's a plea that can be realised at the end.

[GaesII]

Aw,thanks hun:)
It was just something that came to me a couple of days ago,but only got to put it down on paper tonight(in the bath of all places!)

[Orfantal]

Well nothing I don't mean babe, really like it.
In the bath!!! Surprised the paper didn't get damp

[Zale]

This thread looks like it could do with a post, so I'm gonna oblige.

Some of the stuff here (in my admittedly unqualified opinion) is pretty freakin' good... but you've all already dished the necessary, so I'll give you something new to chew on. I only manage poetry once in a blue moon, so this is pretty old.

Working Title

There's some sort of peace
An unexpected, relaxing peace
In sitting here and scribbling.
The words drift and float
On the breeze, eventually settling
On the page. The order doesn't matter.
Some part of me chose the words
Because they don't break the peace.

As the writing grows the tension shrinks.
I unwind, and all those thoughts,
The ones I'd been gripping so tight to
Squeeze the sense out:
They unravel, dissipating with a sigh
And finally find cohesion
On the canvas of my inner eye.

Similarly I melt in place.
Nothing changes, except I realise:
It doesn't matter that much.
With a contented sigh,
I smear myself across the page.
Every graphite trail, every inky trace:
It's residue of me, a snapshot
Of whatever it was that turned out
Not to matter so much after all.
The words, these words, are very nearly irrelevant.

[The .303 bookworm]

Poetry by Dan

"Who was Ozymandias
The Lord of Lords?
All his works are gone.
Beyond all, he despairs."


"What is to live?
To live is to dream.
What is death?
And endless dream."


"First was the Bang, But entropy followed.
Gods die as do worlds.
Last falls creation."


"Blood falls.
Red on the snow.
A child cries.
Another dies."


"Whence was the word?
The word is now.
When is the Crusade?
The Jihad begins now."


"Love is infinite.
Hate is endless.
Beauty is both."


"Beauty burns stars away.
Wrath burns the sun away.
The wife burns the man away."


"A moment of perfect fear, rare beyond compare.
6 million more cry.
The moment passes".


"A myriad worlds.
A thousand stars.
The Universe grows
And there was Mars"


"A hundred Worms crawl.
A million beetles squirm.
Earth falls on the man
Bones bleach alone."



ALT versions:

"What is to live?
To live is to dream.
What is to die?
And endless dream."


"Where lies Ozymandias once King of kings?
All look but his works are gone.
Beyond all, they lie.
Beyond human despair lie they."


Please don't laugh too hard, this is my first attempt at writing Poems/Haikus/anything in between Ever, and I haven't read more than 3-4 poems in the past 3 years or so (I wrote these all last night)

[Called-by-the-Voices]

-CHILDHOOOD-

The scattering of the Sun
Made our weary days
Pass even faster

How did it come to this?

Where is the laughter I once knew?
Less eternal then I thought
Where are those proud faces
I once looked upon?

What have we become?

Memories... dust
Then... nothing

Oh friends, why did we drown
Our voices?
We could've swam..
If only the Sky hadn't send the rain.

And so we drowned
In our own proud dreams.

[Imperium Corruo]

Might Have Been

All that might have been...
Now taunts, now plays
havoc though the craze
of thought simply broken,
my heart, my soul, those men
to give up that fickle token
all that may still be...
Gives hope, gives dreams
of grandeur it seems
to those made of foolish stuff,
all men, you and even me,
certain the promise;
the deception is enough
in spite of all that will never, was.