[The .303 bookworm]

Herm, thanks for the critique . (This is my first attempt at poem writing, I have no idea how the rules go, and lack reading in this field, so forgive the bluntness of my attempts)

[Lostara Yil]

@Bookworm -
I actually like the first two alot, the third is alright, and the fourth is good, but seems to trail off, if you will, and loses something. Perhaps a better transition?

There are no rules to poems, but what makes a good poem? ...Depends on the audience. Normally they should have a good flow, a sense of rhythm, and some sort of structure. Making it rhyme or have a certain number of syllables and whatnot is up to you.

Really good for a first attempt! I want to see more. :>

@Orfantal -
Quite honestly, I only just checked out this page and am impressed. Great work! I like the fact you're dealing with complex issues in a clear-cut manner. Maybe you should try looking at it the other way (simple issues in a complex way)? I'd like to see how that would turn out.

EDIT-
Had to find my poems again...

Be Still

Wind-washed willows
Old leaves wandering
Above the wishing well
Above dreams forgotten
Half-eaten by vermin
Silence in the square
Be still
A man bound
And prostrated before them
All silence
Be still
As the Queen
All damn her
Speaks the last words
He'll ever hear
All silent in the square
As bloody dreams
Roll by

[Lather]

The Coat In The Boat


For years I went wearing a coat that I borrowed
and would not return it for fear of exposing
that no one could see me, made out like a bandit,
disguised and intriguing, I lay where I landed,

but, now and again I would listen for something,
a fin in the wake of a boat I remembered,
and sank like a shadow whenever it neared me,
clear and distinctive, like a name I was given,

sewn into the collar, hemmed into the lining,
and time was deceiving, the coat growing thinner,
I entered the mainstream without ever knowing
there were rats in the galley and no one was rowing,
there were rats in the galley and no one was rowing.

For years I belonged to that moth-eaten stranger,
my hair full of tangles and no comb to pull
through the fury that gnawed at the crumbs I let fall
from the cake I was eating and kept on repeating
there’s a vessel afloat underneath all this coat!
there’s a vessel afloat underneath all this coat!

[Koryk of the Seti]

this is one of my many attepmts but im no poet and dont tend to read poetry either so not sure of the rules or anything

Awake

I lie awake
For the thought of sleep
Brings only the knowledge
That from dreams come nightmares
From nightmares come demons
And the world needs no-more demons
So I lie awake.

[Lostara Yil]

@Lather -
Wow. Just... wow.

@Koryk-
If this is your first attempt, it's pretty good. I really like it.

[Orfantal]

At my Grave

I see you gather at my grave
to pause and think of me,
and ask for you to hold your tears
and pick a memory.
Please choose one that will make you smile
and leave you feeling good.
For that is how I wish to be
remembered if you would.
I see the sadness in your eyes,
I feel the hurt and pain,
that I no longer stand with you
and never will again.
Yet I will linger on in all
that I have said and done
and while you still remember me
then I will not have gone.
Although I lie here in a box,
please do not think I’m here,
for I am now the memory
of all that you held dear.
I know that you seek comfort now
and seek a meaning too,
but be assured I loved my life
and that was down to you.
For those with whom I’ve shared my time,
my loved ones and my friends,
have filled each day with happiness,
a joy that never ends.
So once again I ask that you
smile as you think of me.
I live reflected in your eyes
and every treasured memory.


The Coward’s Way

Please do not hold me as I cry
or seek to comfort me.
Just let this sleeping bad dog lie
alone in misery.
For if you try to hold me close
and rock my hurt away,
I’m frightened of what I’ll let loose,
I’m scared of what I’ll say.
At times like these I feel the need
to let it out and speak
but how could I hope to succeed,
my guilt makes me so weak.
I know that in my heart I’m clear
the last thing I can do
is to confess the things you fear
and pass my pain to you.
So I would rather die inside
in silence as I drown
than tell you of the times I’ve lied,
the ways I’ve let you down.
I’ll twist and turn, evade your grip
I’ll turn my face away
as once again I bite my lip
and take the coward’s way

[Grimjust Bearegular]

a poem I wrote for my creative Writing class:

Hyperborean Adventure

Carry on, carrion crow,
Horseman, slither us by!

As the cold crawled closer and frost bloomed
like kisses on our cheeks, we concluded
that creeping away from the car
was a bad idea.

Above us the stars turtled
like penguins in the unceasing Antarctic night,
and the trees, a standing jury, passed a sentence
on us. The leaves had all fallen.

Carry on, carrion crow,
Horseman, slither us by!
We are not yet ready

The ground crackled as if we were stepping on syringes,
or the shattered shells of our broken selves and the sound
seemed overwhelming in the utter silence
among the winter spruces.

The claw-like shadows stretched out before us as we crossed
the white expanse, and froze like deer in terror
as the creaking sound of breaking ice reverberated
through our frore bodies.

Carry on, carrion crow,
Horseman, slither us by!
We are not yet ready,
Not yet ready to die.

Rents spidered slowly outwards, rendering the frosted pond
riddled with rifts, and panic reared its ugly head
in our racing hearts. We ran towards land, breath trapped
in our throats like flies in a Venus.

The ice tore asunder; we slipped and slid under into dark,
algid water, and thrashed wildly about as we found our way up
blocked. Yet we could still see the light from the moon
through the lid of our crystal coffin.

Don’t come closer, carrion crow,
Horseman, leave our side!
We are not yet ready,
We said as we died.

[Grimjust Bearegular]

Orfantal;200595 said:

At my Grave

I see you gather at my grave
to pause and think of me,
and ask for you to hold your tears
and pick a memory.
Please choose one that will make you smile
and leave you feeling good.
For that is how I wish to be
remembered if you would.
I see the sadness in your eyes,
I feel the hurt and pain,
that I no longer stand with you
and never will again.
Yet I will linger on in all
that I have said and done
and while you still remember me
then I will not have gone.
Although I lie here in a box,
please do not think I’m here,
for I am now the memory
of all that you held dear.
I know that you seek comfort now
and seek a meaning too,
but be assured I loved my life
and that was down to you.
For those with whom I’ve shared my time,
my loved ones and my friends,
have filled each day with happiness,
a joy that never ends.
So once again I ask that you
smile as you think of me.
I live reflected in your eyes
and every treasured memory.


The Coward’s Way

Please do not hold me as I cry
or seek to comfort me.
Just let this sleeping bad dog lie
alone in misery.
For if you try to hold me close
and rock my hurt away,
I’m frightened of what I’ll let loose,
I’m scared of what I’ll say.
At times like these I feel the need
to let it out and speak
but how could I hope to succeed,
my guilt makes me so weak.
I know that in my heart I’m clear
the last thing I can do
is to confess the things you fear
and pass my pain to you.
So I would rather die inside
in silence as I drown
than tell you of the times I’ve lied,
the ways I’ve let you down.
I’ll twist and turn, evade your grip
I’ll turn my face away
as once again I bite my lip
and take the coward’s way

The Coward's Way is quite good. I like the simple yet powerful rhyme:)
Nice work!

[Aimless]

I write poetry,
and dream of
living it.

Nah, I haven't actually written anything in ages. I just realised I hadn't posted anything in this thread in ages...!

[Lost Elemental]

I write poetry every now and again when the mood suits me. Here's one that I just wrote, hope it's good if a lil short. :confused:

Take my life
Let my blood bath you
Take my soul
Let my breath caress you
Take my heart
Let my love warm you
Alas
They are naught
For they have been crushed into dust
By the demons of our world
And alas
I offer you nothing…

[Called-by-the-Voices]

Here's a new one from me

Faces

Is this the end of our days?
Our long walk gone sour...
Are we worth remembering?
Or shall we fade, like marks in the flour?

We became the rain
That thrashed on us
We embraced the pain
As we lay on the sad grass...

But these cycles never end...
Pain.... Rain....
And upon the sad, sadder grass--- us!

So where are you, friends?
The faces I once knew...
I can't see you, friends..
Not even the loyal few...

Is this really the end of our days?
Our long walk ending...
Are now our faces turning away?
Even as the stones are screaming:

"Never leave your lives in the hands of others"

Luka Kostic

[Called-by-the-Voices]

Wha?
Did I scare you off with the poem?

[Chaos]

People are a bit slow to reply round here. Give it a few more weeks (no seriously lol). I don't have time to read this thread in the depth i'd like anymore, will try to this weekend perhaps. Keep up the writing though guys, if only to shame the rest of us into joining in

[Sir Thursday]

It Rises Up,
dragging with it something momentous
from darkest depths.
A chord has been struck,
the story rattling mind's bars
to allow a worming free.
And so It Rises Up,
as gas from the ocean floor,
graceful yet speedy,
to instill its temporary sense
of wonder upon its host.
The glow of profundity embraces,
tinging all, tantalising.
But such brilliance cannot last.
Impact fades to memory,
life returns to monotony,
until, when the next one is set free,
It Rises Up.

-A Good Book



I was trying to convey what it feels like to finish a good book...don't know if it worked.

Sir Thursday

[Shryval]

Lather;199403 said:

The Coat In The Boat


For years I went wearing a coat that I borrowed
and would not return it for fear of exposing
that no one could see me, made out like a bandit,
disguised and intriguing, I lay where I landed,

but, now and again I would listen for something,
a fin in the wake of a boat I remembered,
and sank like a shadow whenever it neared me,
clear and distinctive, like a name I was given,

sewn into the collar, hemmed into the lining,
and time was deceiving, the coat growing thinner,
I entered the mainstream without ever knowing
there were rats in the galley and no one was rowing,
there were rats in the galley and no one was rowing.

For years I belonged to that moth-eaten stranger,
my hair full of tangles and no comb to pull
through the fury that gnawed at the crumbs I let fall
from the cake I was eating and kept on repeating
there’s a vessel afloat underneath all this coat!
there’s a vessel afloat underneath all this coat!

For me, by far the best and most enjoyable poem of the last dozen or so pages of this thread that I've read.

Brilliant work, Lather.

[Grimjust Bearegular]

Sir Thursday;214806 said:

It Rises Up,
dragging with it something momentous
from darkest depths.
A chord has been struck,
the story rattling mind's bars
to allow a worming free.
And so It Rises Up,
as gas from the ocean floor,
graceful yet speedy,
to instill its temporary sense
of wonder upon its host.
The glow of profundity embraces,
tinging all, tantalising.
But such brilliance cannot last.
Impact fades to memory,
life returns to monotony,
until, when the next one is set free,
It Rises Up.

-A Good Book



I was trying to convey what it feels like to finish a good book...don't know if it worked.

Sir Thursday

I liked it, it definitely reminded me of the feeling I get when I finish a great book, like Erikson's:D

[The Tyrant Lizard]

Here's a cheerful peom I wrote about loving relationships.


I see you stood before me,
tyrant, oppressor, overseer.
I kneel low upon one knee,
body wracked in rigid fear.

Oh for the freedom of my youth,
bound and chained I am.
I tremble at the dreadful truth,
led to the laughter, the sacrificial lamb.

My ruler stares with cold hate,
and my eyes turn towards the ground.
I only wanted to meet an old mate,
but I remain a prisoner those dreams once more unfound.

Ah to escape this invisible barrier,
to flee where I can laugh and think.
But she the dreaded unborn child carrier,
forbids me from going for a drink.

And so I came to find myself embroiled in this mess,
how could I have known, I didn't have a clue.
Resplendant in her white dress,
the day I said 'I do,'

[Shryval]

A worm around a hook
A fish around a worm
A net around a fish
Fingers grasp the net
A ring upon a finger
An oath sworn on a ring
Oaths easily broken
Swim, little fishy, swim

[Gem Windcaster]

Can you guess what this is about?

Truth

In Silence
words obsolete
on the blurry path
I walk discrete
trusting footfall
angelfall
truth

The light
slips through my fingers.
sand like snow
descends around me.
Stardust
obscures my sight
my fight
truth

Scream
in disbelief.
Know the turning
of the world
is me.
See the glory
the victory
truth

[Baverel]

Orfantal;157980 said:

Face sharp with anger
split by whetted hatchet nose
and razor blade smile

Anger’s instant slap,
icy frozen pause and then
recrimination

Your love is fractured
once whole, now split to splinters
I and our children

Death tips his top hat
I take his subtle warning,
squeeze joy from each day

I know this was ages ago, but this is good, Orfantal.