[Tiste Simeon]

See note below. Fill in the blanks. How surreal/funny/no doubt wrong on every level can you be?

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[Jusentantaka]

Dear Tiste:

I wike You
You have a nice set of Mutton Chops
You make me giggle
You should video tape yourself break dancing
Someday I will become a Witch
You + Me is not happening
If I saw you now I'd be perturbed
I would build a fort out of my comforter just for you
If I sang you any song, it would be Graveyard Slut
We could sit in silence under the stars
Love from madame Buom

P.S.

[Illuyankas]

Dear Colon
I occasionally despise you
You have a nice moniker for an internal organ though you could do with some air fresheners
You make deforest garden centres whenever I eat spicy food
You should stop trying to kill me after devouring chilis
Someday I will discover if you're actually trying to choke me to death deliberately
You + Me = Banned under the Geneva Convention
If I saw you now I'd start screaming then attempt to stuff you back through whichever hole you escaped from and depending on whether your exit was an injury or not scream even harder
I would build a gargantuan throne with built in filters just for you
If I sang you any song, it would be the Batman theme song from the TV show
We could relax somewhere with both of us within my skin safely and non-traumaly under the stars
Love from STOP TRYING TO KILL ME YOU SON OF A BITCH ORGAN
P.S. Fart jokes are never funny but it's not like that's stopped me before

[Tapper]

Dear:

I sold you.
You have a nice ass, which is why you fetched twice the regular price. You make me proud, now, won't you?
You should not worry. They'll be gentle.

Someday I will come to regret selling you, but I just need the room.
You + Me: you're one out of thousands. If I saw you now I'd probably have to get me a taser and a mallet. I would build you a private cooling cell, just for you, you know.

If you sang any song, it would be a song about a lonely cowboy, looking at the stars. We could wrestle under those stars, me with my whip and rope, you running away, howling in fear.

Love from: Donald P. Donaldson III, rancher. You're one special cow, Mary 415, you really are.

[SpectreofEschaton]

Dear Anomander Blood-of-Tiam,

I forsake you.

You have a nice family, but they are mine no longer.

You make me regret even giving you life.

Someday I will return, when you have wrought amends for this treason.

You + me are now sundered.

If I saw you now I'd weep anew for my loss.

I would build a gate of Kurald Galain just for you, but hold it closed.

If I sang you any song, it would be "Anomandaris, verses 317 to 1,692".

We could lament the birth of Light beneath the stars, but you, to my regret, have disavowed us.

Love from Mommy D.

P.S. Killing Draconus doesn't earn you any "I'm sorry" points.

[Ain't_It_Just_]

Dear Me:
I love you.
You have a nice scheme to conquer this puny forum.
You make me proud to be the donor of the genetic material that spawned you from a test tube.
You should hurry up and graft that laser cannon to your arm.
Someday I will absorb your life force and use it to power a doomsday device.
You+Me are beings of great eeeeeeeeeeevil.
If I saw you now I'd kick you out of my GREAT THRONE OF EEEEEEEEVIL and give you twenty lashes and a cinnamon bun.
I would build a gallows just for you.
If I sang you any song it would be Born to Die by Grand Funk Railroad.
We could create an impenetrable orbital fortress under the stars.
Love from Your Undeniable Master and Creator, Lord of all that Doth Dwell
P.S. This message will zombify and attack you in seven seconds.

[Leo]

Dear cake,

I am thinking about you.
You have a nice coat of chocolate frosting.
You make me salivate.
You should jump in my mouth.
Someday I will eat you.
You + Me = Heart Attack
If I saw you now, I'd cut you into slices and devour you.
I would build a giant background resembling the sun just to place behind you.
If I sang you any song, it would be Still Alive.
We could film a creepy cake-eating scene under the stars.

Love,
a cake-addicted man without a name

P.S. Cake



P.S.S. Cake is actually meh.

[Tiste Simeon]

Dear Twilight Fans everywhere,

I want to castrate every one of you.
You have a nice way of making utter tripe seem like it is worth something.
You make me vomit noisily every time I think of you.
You should either a)get a taste in something good or b)all move onto a small island somewhere and never bother anyone ever again.
Someday I will find a ninja clan and take out a contract on every single one of you.
You + Me = mortal enemies...
If I saw you now I would probably do something illegal, immoral and highly enjoyable... From my point of view anyway!
I would build a huge hole in the ground just for you.
If I sang you any song, it would be something along the lines of "Walk with me in Hell" by Lamb of God, though the very song itself may cause you to crap yourself...
We could bury your corpses under the stars.
Love from a guy who is only doing humanity a favour.

P.S. VAMPIRES DON'T SPARKLE YOU STUPID RETARDS!

[D'rek]

Dear edible bunnies:
I eatz you!
You have a nice omnomnomnom
You make me have flavoured ice cream
You should try some, it is delicious
Someday I will add bacon and have bunny-bacon ice cream
You + Me = A scene that would horrify any PETA member
If I saw you now I'd say "Get back in the ice cream so I can omnomnomnom you!"
I would build a super-fantastic ice cream scoop that has a bunny-liquidator on the other end just for you
If I sand you any song, it would be Sweet Home Alabama
We could eat your insides-flavouring ice cream under the stars
Love from D'rek, who is eating you in ice cream
P.S. Omnomnomnomnom

[Ain't_It_Just_]

Tiste Simeon, on 05 April 2010 - 12:44 PM, said:

Dear Twilight Fans everywhere,

I want to castrate every one of you.
You have a nice way of making utter tripe seem like it is worth something.
You make me vomit noisily every time I think of you.
You should either a)get a taste in something good or b)all move onto a small island somewhere and never bother anyone ever again.
Someday I will find a ninja clan and take out a contract on every single one of you.
You + Me = mortal enemies...
If I saw you now I would probably do something illegal, immoral and highly enjoyable... From my point of view anyway!
I would build a huge hole in the ground just for you.
If I sang you any song, it would be something along the lines of "Walk with me in Hell" by Lamb of God, though the very song itself may cause you to crap yourself...
We could bury your corpses under the stars.
Love from a guy who is only doing humanity a favour.

P.S. VAMPIRES DON'T SPARKLE YOU STUPID RETARDS!

^winner

[Tsundoku]

Dear: Girl Scout
I wait for you.
You have a nice uniform and innocent smile.
You make me shiver with delicious anticipation.
You should trust me.
Some day I will find a way we can be together, always.
You + me = decreed by The Lord God Almighty.
If I saw you now I'd be struggling to contain my excitement.
I would build a throne of skulls just for you.
If I sang you any song, it would be Dead Skin Mask, by Slayer.
We could do God's work under the stars.
Love from your Secret Admirer.
PS - Look behind you.

OK, so it's not funny, but it's 3:35am and I'm having trouble sleeping - therefore so should you.

This post has been edited by Sombra: 24 July 2010 - 06:08 PM

[Whisperzzzzzzz]

I was bored.  Untitled-1.png (236.89K)
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[cerveza_fiesta]

Dear Cotillon

I am in cahoots with you
you have a very nice strand of rope
you make me kind of pissed off when you start helping mortals behind my back...but hey....we all do that right?
You should probably have been dead a long time ago, but as it turns out, nobody dies round these parts, really.
Someday I will pull together the pieces of Kurald Emurlan, and you can hang out there with me.
You + Me will even bester of buddies once I'm the head hauncho god of all warrens.

If I saw you now, I'd probably just stay invisible or grey or something, cause you'd think it was weird at this point if I actually materialized
I would build a rope making factory in the newly re-integrated Kurald Emurlan, full of Edur rope-making slaves just for you.
If I sang you any song it would be pretty terrible since crazy people have a hard time mustering the concentration for vocal practice.
We could use the collective power of the warrens to sunder the stars
Love, from your bestest best buddy, Shadowthrone.

PS. You can call me Kelly if you want to, I don't mind