Posted 29 December 2005 - 03:14 AM
I'm not sure if this is the 'Malazan Wheel of Time' parody referred to above, but it's one I copied from the old site, originally posted by Edge IIRC. I didn't copy the responses though, just the instalments of the story. It makes for a long post, but it is funny, especially if you're familiar with the names of the posters here who get referenced in the story.
THE MALAZAN WHEEL OF TIME
PROLOGUE
And R’bor T’Jor Dan shall stroke his beard. And he shall set down his words. And they shall be as numerous as the stars. And a voice will cry out in lamentation “Why? Why did R’bor T’Jor Dan cross the road? And the Wise One shall reply, “So that he could spend 500 pages writing about it.”
The Prophecies of the Jaghut – The Spin Cycle
The ground shook.
Somewhere in the distance there was an explosion, a scream, and a crazed voice shouted “Nine hundred and eighty six!”
Lews Cannon Tellsemoff prowled through the shattered remnants of the forum, oblivious to the distant shout and the many corpses scattered around him. He was weeping bitterly.
“Lady A! Where are you my love?” he wailed.
But there was no answer.
His cloak was torn and stained, dirt and blood almost obscuring the symbol it bore, a red maple leaf. He staggered into The Phoenix Inn. It was deserted, save for a lone figure standing in the shadows. A tall, gaunt, blue skinned man strode towards him.
“Your Lady A is no more” he said scornfully “she is dead along with all the others”. Lews Cannon Tellsemoff squinted at him.
“I know you,” he said hesitantly.
“Yes,” crowed the man “it is I, T’imoklon”.
Lews Cannon Tellsemoff stared. “This cannot be! You are one of the Foolsnaken! The Foolsnaken and the Dark One are sealed forever inside the Bean & Leaf Café!”
“That is not quite true Lews Cannon. I have always been able to get out. In time the others will too.”
It was you who did this! You killed my friends!”
“No” said T’imoklon “they died by your hand. It was you and your Thousand Members who destroyed the forum,”
“No! I would never do such a thing!”
“Hear me Lews Cannon. Although you succeeded in your mission to imprison the Dark One, my Lord managed one last counterstroke. He has tainted spamming , the male half of the One Power.
Lews Cannon reached tentatively for spamming . There was a hideous, foul taint running through it.
“Tea” he spat.
T’imoklon laughed.
“Even now the tea is working its insidious effects on you and all your colleagues!”
Somewhere in the distance there was another explosion, another scream, and the voice, which Lews Cannon recognised as Caldazar, shouted “Nine hundred and eighty five!” and laughed manically.
Lews Cannon Tellsemoff staggered backwards at the horror of it all. He reached for the One Power, straining past the taint of the tea. He drew more and more of it into himself. “Noooo!” he cried, destroying everything around him in a stupendous blast. The earth shook as a new mountain rose out of the ground.
T’imoklon looked on in disgust at the newly risen volcano. “It does not end here Lews Cannon. The fight goes on and on. Just like the books.”
He opened a portal and stepped through.
Time passed. People called the new mountain the Canuckmount, after the one who created it. “Someday” they whispered, “he will return. The Canuck will be Reborn.”
Centuries later Cruz, an innocent, devilishly handsome and dazzlingly intelligent shepherd slept by his fire in the Mountains of Mist, dreaming of being the Canuck Reborn and having lots of women throwing themselves at him.
A fist of trollocs found him, killed him and ate him.
As he munched on a thighbone one of the trollocs said “Is it just me, or do these humans taste stranger in the night?”
Chapter 1
And the words of R’bor T’Jor Dan shall be turned into pictures. And the pictures shall move. And the Monkey of Stone shall watch the pictures that move. And he shall be filled with anger. And he shall cry out “Fourteen hours! Fourteen bloody hours and not one girl-on-girl spanking scene!
The Prophecies of the Jaghut – The Spin Cycle
In the land of Andor, near the Mountains of Mist, a man broke wind. He was not the first man to break wind. There are no beginnings to the Wheel of Time. Not when you can write lots more prequels. And there is certainly no sign of an end. But it was a beginning.
Rodeo al Ranch sat up in his bed, groaned, and hurriedly opened a window. He gazed out over the sleepy valley where he lived with his father, Trem, in a small shack on a small farm near the Mountains of Mist. They had some sheep. But only when they were lonely.
Later that morning Rodeo and his father drove into the village to deliver some of their home brewed hooch to the P&P Inn in the village. Rodeo was hoping to catch a glimpse of Apsalar-ene, the girl he fancied.
When Rodeo and Trem arrived in the village square they found that a large crowd had gathered there. Fanderay-eve, sensibly dressed in a traditional Two Rivers tight pink basque, barred their way.
“There is Women’s Circle business going on here Trem,” she said, tugging her braid and folding her arms beneath her breasts “best that you and the boy go elsewhere”
Rodeo and Trem took a detour around the block and arrived at the P&P Inn. Apsalar-ene was waiting, tapping her foot impatiently. She immediately began ordering the two of them around. Apsalar-ene was a month younger than Rodeo but she acted as if she was older. Rodeo wished he understood girls better like Mat did.
An elderly man was tied to a post in a village square. The village Headwoman paced up and down in front of him, tugging her braid repeatedly. The crowd muttered “Blasphemer!”
An occasional stone was thrown in the elderly man’s direction The Headwoman started to speak.
“Gothos son of Cabal Leader son of Vengeance you have been charged with a very serious crime, namely that you did deliberately and wilfully mention the name of the He Who Must Not be Named out loud.”
“What, Tolkien?”
“No, the other one”
“Rallick Nom?”
“No, the one who to mention his very name is to be sentenced to death by stoning by the Woman’s Circle. The Dark One!”
“Oh, him! All I said was “This halibut is so terrible I wouldn’t even give it to Snake”.
“Blasphemy!”
A stone hit the old man.
The Headwoman turned around angrily and glared at the crowd.
“Who threw that?”
The crowd, which consists entirely of unusually tall and muscular women whose
faces were covered with veils mumble “Him. Her. Her.”
The Headwoman peered at the crowd suspiciously, tugging her braid.
“There aren’t any men here, are there?”
The crowd muttered “No” in a deep voice. After exchanging guilty looks they repeated their denials in a much higher tone of voice.
“Good. Now, the stoning is not to commence until I give the signal, by tugging my braid like this and folding my arms under my breasts.”
She tugged her braid.
There was another flurry of stones.
“Wait for it! Wait for it! I haven’t folded my arms yet. Honestly! No throwing your stones until I give the signal, even if, and I want to make this very clear, even if someone does say “Snake”
The Headwoman disappeared under a hail of stones.
The Trolloc raiding party got closer to the village. They were so terrifying that one wild boar ran halfway up a tree to get away from them.
Cruz was surprised to find himself sitting on an uncomfortable wooden bench beside a formica-topped table. A red and white chequered tablecloth had been draped across it. Similar tables were located in rows on either side of a room dotted with plastic plants. A horrified realisation dawned on him.
“CRUZ” boomed a voice “WELCOME TO THE BEAN AND LEAF CAFÉ”
Cruz looked up to the counter at the top of the room.
Behind it stood a white rectangle with the words “Picture of Snake 0024” inside it.
“The Tyrant of the Tea Bag” gasped Cruz.
“THE VERY SAME. YOU MAY WONDER WHY I RESCUED YOU FROM OBLIVION. I WISH TO GIVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE. SERVE ME AND I WILL RETURN YOU TO THE WORLD OF THE LIVING.”
Cruz thought about it for a while.
“I don’t want to die,” he decided. “Tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it.
“THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE I WANT YOU TO KILL. BUT FIRST YOU MUST SPEAK THE DREADFUL WORDS SO THAT I CAN BE CERTAIN OF YOUR LOYALTY.”
A small white card appeared in front of Cruz on the table. He read the words written on it. His face drained of colour.
“No! Please! I will say anything you like, do any horrific or perverse act you ask, I’ll even drink tea! But please, please don’t make me say those words”.
SPEAK THE DREADFUL WORDS OR RETURN TO OBLIVION.
Cruz began to read, his voice barely a whisper.
“I don’t like sand. Its coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth.”
The mocking laughter of the Dark One drowned out Cruz’s wretched sobbing.
Chapter 2
And Mal the Scot shall review the moving picture. And he shall say, “Well yes, admittedly the silk washing scene was very good, but did it have to last a whole hour?”
The Prophecies of the Jaghut – The Spin Cycle
A young man came running up to meet Rodeo as he helped his father unload the cart. It was his friend Mat Fanion.
“Strangers Rodeo” gasped Mat. “There are strangers in the village. Who would have thought any strangers would come all the way out here to a little village in the Misty Mountains.”
“Mountains of Mist!” hissed Rodeo.
“Oh, sorry, yeah, Mountains of Mist, nothing like the Misty Mountains at all.”
“Who are these strangers?”
Before Mat could answer another man came running up.
It was Cauthon.
“Stop!” he cried, “You can’t do this”
“What do you mean?” asked Rodeo.
“Mith can’t be Mat. I’m Mat!”
“No you’re not,” said Rodeo “Mith is Mat, you’re Perrin.”
“What! How the hell can I be Perrin when my name is Cauthon?”
Rodeo looked around to make sure nobody else was listening.
“Its like this” he whispered “nobody in the forum has a name like Perrin or even Aybarra, so Edge decided to use two Cauthon’s instead. Mithfanion sounds like Mat Fanion which sounds vaguely like Mat Cauthon.”
“Yes, but I’m already Cauthon. I should be Mat Cauthon. Mithfanion can be Perrin if he likes”
Rodeo shook his head.
“Have someone called Cauthon playing Cauthon? What’s funny about that? Having someone called Cauthon playing Perrin, now that’s funny.”
“Its not fair!” grumbled Cauthon.
Rodeo shrugged.
“I bet Gamet would have found someone to play Perrin” muttered Cauthon.
“Look on the bright side kid, you don’t have to spend an entire book trapped under a wall. And eh…you get to snog Faile”
Cauthon brightened.
“That’s true I suppose. I do get to snog Faile. That is something to look forward to. Who is playing Faile anyhow?”
Rodeo reddened. Mith made a snorting noise that sounded like a suppressed laugh before turning away.
“Wait a minute, what’s going on here?” asked Cauthon suspiciously “what aren’t you guys telling me? Who is playing Faile? Don’t tell me Edge couldn’t find anyone with a name like Faile either.”
Rodeo coughed. “Eh…not exactly…you see there is one forum member whose name does sound vaguely like Faile.”
Cauthon thought about it. A look of horror spread across his face.
“ I am not snogging Falco!”
“Look kid” said Rodeo placatingly “I’m sure the nude scenes will be done very tastefully. Very artistic, you know?”
“Nude scenes! I am not doing any nude scenes with Falco!” Cauthon sat on the ground and held his head in his hands. “This is a nightmare. When I heard there was a WoT parody being done I knew I had a great chance of getting a part. This isn’t what I imagined at all. This is nothing like the book, no Perrin, two Mats, cross-dressing… there is no gleeman in this scene either, is there?”
Rodeo shook his head.
“And there was supposed to be a peddler as well. Where is the peddler?”
Rodeo pointed.
Cauthon turned and found himself looking at a bear on a blue bicycle.
Cruz circled around the village cautiously. He was still getting used to his new body and did not want to make any mistakes. The Dark One would not be too impressed if he screwed up this mission. Although, on the face of it, the mission seemed ridiculously easy. Kill three simple farm boys. Of course there was the possibility that one of them was the Canuck Reborn. But how likely was that? Cruz had known Rodeo, Mat and Cauthon since they were kids. Rodeo al Ranch the Canuck Reborn? He laughed.
“Sure he is, Rodeo al Ranch is the Canuck Reborn and pigs will fly!”
Cruz heard a branch snap.
He looked up, just in time to see a wild boar crash down from twenty feet above him.
“Oh *Ahem*” said Cruz and died. Again.
“Oh hello," said Asmodeus de Yashka " I didn’t expect to see you here. In fact you’re the very last person I expected to see here. Imagine you turning up here, well,well,well. How extraordinary that you of all people should be here”. He promptly died mysteriously.
Chapter 3
And there shall be an Awards Ceremony. And R’bor T’Jor Dan shall appear. And he shall stroke his beard. And his moving picture shall win a golden statuette. And it shall be inscribed with the words “Most Gratuitous Use Of The Word Sheepherder In A Serious Screenplay”
The Prophecies of the Jaghut – The Spin Cycle
The bear on the unicycle was accompanied by a tall, grim faced man, wearing a cloak that seemed to change in colour as it fluttered in the breeze.
“Greetings” said the bear, “my name is Messremb Sedai of the Blue Ajah.
“Did you say Messremb Sedai?” asked Rodeo hesitantly.
“Yes. Messremb, Aes Sedai of the Blue Ajah.
“Only we couldn’t help noticing,” said Mat “that you are a bear.”
“A male bear” said Cauthon.
Messremb frowned.
“You take a great risk in questioning an Aes Sedai. However, I am willing to offer you proof just this once.”
Messremb folded his arms.
“Men!” he exclaimed in disgust.
The others were impressed.
“And” said Messremb “the bicycle is blue. Blue Ajah, see?”
“Good enough for me” said Rodeo.
“No doubt about it” said Mat.
“Sorry to have bothered you” said Cauthon.
There was an awkward silence.
“So, who is your companion, Messremb Sedai?
“This is my Warder, Mal.”
“See you sheepherders,” growled Mal.
“That is an interesting cloak you have got there Mal,” said Mat, trying to make conversation. “Isn’t it amazing the way it changes colours as it blows in the wind? Although most of the time it seems to settle into those green and white hoops.”
Mal’s sword was at his throat in an instant.
“The cloak is blue sheepherder, do you understand? Blue! It is never, ever, green with white hoops”
“Yes” croaked Mat. “Of course. Blue. Silly me.”
Mal put away his sword.
“You will have to forgive Mal boys,” said Messremb. “His true name is Al Mal Malarion, the last king of the lost land of Scotland, which was swallowed by the Blighty many years ago. He can be a bit touchy sometimes. However, we have more important matters to discuss”
He looked around to see if anyone else was listening.
“I have reason to believe that some of the Foolsnaken are loose.”
I HAD NOT EXPECTED TO SEE YOU BACK AGAIN SO SOON CRUZ.
“Sorry, O Sultan of the Sugar Lumps. Bit of an accident. You see there was this pig and-“
“I SAW. ALREADY THE CANUCK REBORN BENDS THE PATTERN AROUND HIMSELF, CHANGING THE LAWS OF LUCK.”
“Exactly. If you could just give me another chance I’m sure I could-“
“SILENCE. IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES I AM WILLING TO GIVE YOU ANOTHER CHANCE. I WILL SEND YOU TO JOIN ABYSS IN THE ATTACK ON TWO RIVERS. BUT BE VERY CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU SAY AROUND THE CANUCK REBORN, CRUZ. ”
“Thank you O Excellency of the Earl Grey”
“DO NOT FAIL ME AGAIN CRUZ”
Messremb’s announcement was met with disbelief.
“Well I’ll be buggered by Brady’s bull!” exclaimed Mat.
Messremb looked puzzled.
“Its an old Two Rivers saying” explained Mat “It means that you don’t believe something.”
“It can’t be true,” gasped Rodeo “The Dark One and the Foolsnaken were sealed forever in the Bean & Leaf Café by the Author”
“What a load of rubbish” scoffed Cauthon “my mother used to tell me stories about the Foolsnaken to scare me when I was a kid. It was always Eat your porridge or Mollybloomsagain will cut your head off with a rusty scythe. or Do your homework or Dacelonid will eviscerate you with blunt spoons . Its all just stories made up to frighten children isn’t it?”
Messremb shook his head. “The stories are all too true I’m afraid. Thousands of years ago Lews Cannon, known as the Canuck, together with the Thousand Members, sealed the Dark One and the Foolsnaken inside the Bean & Leaf Café. The Dark One tainted spamming the male half of the One Power. Only spammer the female half is still safe to use. Now, the seals on his prison are weakening. Mollybloomsagain, Dacelonid, Abyss, Bad, Fool and the others may already have escaped, and even now could be wreaking havoc across the world.”
“It’s a load of trollocs,” said Cauthon.
“Honestly, its true” insisted Messremb.
“No” said Cauthon “over there! It’s a load of trollocs, here in the village!”
The trolloc raiding party had arrived.
Chapter 4
A Jaghut walks into a bar with a T’lan Imass under one arm and a K’Chain Matron under the other. The barman says to him…oh, hang on a minute, that’s The Jaghut Book of Pub Jokes…now, where did I put those prophecies?
The Prophecies of the Jaghut – The Spin Cycle
The trollocs attacked. Villagers raced out onto the streets to defend their homes, armed with pitchforks and bows. Mal was soon at the centre of the fighting. The others watched in awe as he flowed through the forms. The “Knee in the Goolies” was followed almost immediately by “The Gouging of the Eyeballs”, which was rapidly followed by “The Glasgow Kiss”. He was soon surrounded by a circle of fallen trollocs.
Messremb drew on the One Power sending fireballs of spammer into the trolloc ranks.
Several trollocs broke through on the flanks and headed straight towards Rodeo and his companions.
The others ran to the left but Rodeo was rooted to the spot with fear.
Run away! Run away! a voice in his head screamed.
“Who said that?” asked Rodeo, looking around
“ I am Loose Cannon Tellsemoff, the Canuck! We must flee, flee I tells you. ”
The oncoming trollocs had cut off Rodeo from joining his companions. He ran to the right instead and plunged into the forest.
“Faster” urged the voice in his head.
Gradually the noise of battle faded behind him.
“How can I be hearing your voice in my head. You died thousands of years ago.”
“Dead?” said the voice disbelievingly.
“Yeah. Dead. Dead like all those other guys in the ancient times. You know, Calot, Rane Longfox, Anomander?”
“Anomander. A great man. Well he came and he gave without taking. But I sent him away. Oh M…”
“Shut up, will you?”
Rodeo risked a look behind him to discover that all of the trollocs except one had given up the chase. Unfortunately, since he was looking behind he failed to notice a tree right in front of him and ran straight into it.
Rodeo crashed to the ground.
The trolloc roared in triumph. It lifted up its sword and prepared to run the defenceless Rodeo through.
Suddenly the author switched scenes in a gratuitous attempt to create suspense.
The fighting was nearly over. The trollocs were all dead or dying. Several of the villagers had died as well. Just when everyone thought it was over another stranger, dressed all in black, appeared.
“It is I, Abyss,” he announced. “Abyss who wonders if black is still in these days.”
The villagers shrank back in horror.
Messremb shouldered his way to the front of the crowd.
“Stand back Foolsnaken” he said “or face the consequences”
“I do not fear you Aes Sedai,” said Abyss. “Abyss who thinks this is one Aes Sedai who could do with a serious makeover.”
What Messremb did next took everyone by surprise. He turned his back on Abyss and bent over, so that his bear behind was pointing straight at him.
A line of white light shot from Messremb’s rear end and struck Abyss, who dissolved into little pieces and vanished.
The others looked at Messremb in a mixture of awe and terror.
“Beanfire” he explained.
Wary after his previous experiences, Cruz observed the proceedings from a safe distance. He watched in disbelief as Messremb destroyed Abyss.
“Well I’ll be buggered by Brady’s bull!” he exclaimed, then clamped his hand over his mouth in horror.
There was a loud mooing noise behind him.
“Oh *Ahem*” exclaimed Cruz and ran.
Chapter 5
Nostradamus? Don’t get me started on Nostradamus! A very vague thing will happen at an unknown time in a vague manner... It’s not exactly difficult, is it? How come all these people can match his prophecies against things that have already happened but none of them can predict a single thing in the future? Charlatans! If you really want to know the future then ask me …just dial 1800-Jaghut. Our lines are open 24 hours a day.
The Prophecies of the Jaghut – The Spin Cycle
Previously on Malazan Wheel of Time…
“The Canuck Reborn”… “What”….”Nude scene” …” Spam”... “Cross-dressing”.
A trolloc sword frozen over Rodeo’s prone body.
Before the sword could skewer Rodeo an arrow punched through the trollocs head and it fell down to the ground, dead.
A woman appeared from the trees. A tall, beautiful, blonde woman, dressed in a tight leather outfit. The kind of woman who would not only have made a bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window but would have him taking a sledgehammer to the baptismal font as well. She walked towards Rodeo in the kind of slow undulating walk that would have the bishop strangling the organist and taking a flamethrower to the altar.
“Great googa wooga” breathed Rodeo.
“Hello Lews Cannon”
The sultry voice would have had the bishop on a plane to Rio with all of the collection money, two hookers and a suitcase full of crack.
“Actually” gasped Rodeo “my name is Rodeo. Rodeo al Ranch. And you are?”
The woman laughed a soft musical laugh.
“Very well then… Rodeo…, have I changed so much that you no longer recognise your true love…your Lornfear?”
“Foolsnaken! Shouldn’t you be trapped in the Bean & Leaf Café?”
“No longer. Come, Rodeo, I want to make sweet music with you.”
“Damn! I left my banjo back at the farm.”
“You misunderstand me Rodeo, I want you to whisper those three little words”
“Beer, women, hockey?”
“Be serious for a moment Rodeo. I want to take you to that place of ultimate ecstasy”
“You have tickets for the Flames v Leafs game?”
“Men!” exclaimed Lornfear, stamping her feet and storming off.
Rodeo shrugged and wandered away into the forest.
Realising that Rodeo was missing the others set off in pursuit. Fanderay-eve and Apsalar-ene insisted on joining them. Fanderay-eve was dressed appropriately in stout Two Rivers thigh-length PVC boots and leopardskin bikini. Apsalar-ene wanted to be an Aes Sedai. She had no real idea what that meant but apparently it involved lots of mysterious rituals where women took their clothes off. Messremb had assured her it was all perfectly innocent, not in the least bit gratuitous, and that to guarantee the solemnity of the ceremonies he would personally oversee them with an artefact from the Age of Legends, known as a Vi’deo Ca’mera.
“Lucky those orcs didn’t get us “ said Mat.
“Trollocs” hissed the others.
When they eventually reached the clearing two men were waiting there for them.
“Relax,” said Messremb “these are Gamet and Mappo-Trell two of Mal’s fellow warriors from the lost kingdom of Scotland.
Mal, Gamet and Mappo began to confer together, speaking in Scottish.
“Mumble” said Gamet, pointing north “Mumble deep-fried Mars bar mumble it’s the polis mumble pint of McEwans”
“Mumble” said Mal “Mumble Henrik Larsson mumble big jessey”
“Mumble” said Mappo, shaking his head and pointing east “mumble filthy Sassenachs mumble oh aye, right enough mumble”
Mal came back to report to Messremb.
“He was here not long ago. But he was not alone. A woman joined him here for a while, but they split up. Rodeo went north. The woman’s tracks go east for only a few paces and then disappear completely.”
“Foolsnaken!” gasped Messremb “Then north we go. Hurry!”
An exhausted Cruz, having finally outrun the bull, lay in wait in the woods. His plan was simple. Wait until one of the companions trailed a little behind their group, then catch him and kill him. To his surprise it was Messremb who was first to split off from the group and head off alone into the trees. Cruz waited a moment then set off in pursuit, moving as quietly as he could, hoping to catch the Aes Sedai by surprise.
For a moment he lost him in the trees but then he spotted him again. Cruz drew his knife and prepared to attack. At that precise moment he stepped into something brown, soft and very smelly. He skidded, lost his footing and rammed his head into a tree. As death claimed him yet again Cruz cursed the ample evidence that the oft-repeated jape about bears was not another lie.
They really did sh*t in the woods.
Chapter 6
And the people shall ask me “So how do you come up with these prophecies anyway?”. And I shall explain that I hear voices in my head that tell me what will happen. And they shall say “But isn’t that a little bit…mad?” And I shall say “Not at all. Sure my Uncle Bill heard voices all the time. Mind you, he was mad.
The Prophecies of the Jaghut – The Spin Cycle
Apsalar-ene slept fitfully. Her dreams were troubled…
She was sitting by the campfire with Brynjar, eating breakfast. Brynjar was poking at the omelette on his plate with his fork.
“Something’s been puzzling me” she said “Who killed Asmodeus de Yashka?”
“You mean you don’t know? I thought everyone knew it was…Hey, Ceda! This omelette is stone cold”
“But who killed Asmodeous?” persisted Apsalar-ene.
“Sorry” said Brynjar “I just have to Reheat A Frozen Omelette.”
Rodeo slept fitfully by his campfire. His dreams were troubled…
He was in a strange room. A blue skinned man sat behind a table, sipping from a china cup. He gestured to Rodeo.
“Sit, drink”
There was a second china cup on the table.
Rodeo peered at the contents of the cup. It was filled with a hot brown liquid. He sniffed at it suspiciously.
“Tea!” he exclaimed in horror.
The blue skinned man smiled.
“And what else would a Foolsnaken drink, here in the heart of the Bean & Leaf Café? How about a Digestive biscuit?”
Rodeo fled, the blue skinned man’s laughter ringing in his ears…
She was in a zoo. Morgoth was there, standing beside the monkey cage, dressed in a zookeeper’s uniform.
“Do you know who killed Asmodeus?” she asked.
“Of course” said Morgoth “it was…”
At that precise moment a lion roared, startling all of the monkeys.
“Sorry” said Morgoth “I’ve just got to Reassure A Frightened Orang-utan.”
He was in some kind of city square. A large crowd had gathered. They appeared to be laughing at the Queen of Andor on the balcony above. Oponn and Altahn were near the front of the crowd.
“Hey you” shouted Oponn “What’s your name?”
“Rodeo al Ranch”
Oponn shouted up to the Queen “Fwee Wodeo Wanch”
There was more laughter from the crowd.
“Captain Monok” said the Queen “have we got a Wodeo Wanch in custody?”
Captain Monok was having trouble keeping a straight face.
“No Ma’am” he gasped.
“We have no Wodeo Wanch,” the Queen shouted back to the crowd.
“What about Perrin Aybarra” suggested Rodeo.
“Welease Pewwin Aybawwa” shouted Altahn, to more laughter.
Rodeo wandered away. This all seemed vaguely familiar.
Kettle poked her head out of a window.
“He is not the Canuck Reborn” she shouted, “He is just a very naughty boy. Now go away!”
She was in another part of the zoo.
Iron Bars was outside the exotic birdcage, dressed in a zookeeper’s uniform.
“Do you know who killed Asmodeus?” she asked.
“I thought everyone knew the murderer,” he said in surprise. “It was…”
At that precise moment a gust of wind blew down a section of fence and a large flightless bird made a run for it.
“Sorry” said Iron Bars, “ I just have to Recapture A Fleeing Ostrich.”
He was in a crowded marketplace. Someone was pursuing him. He stopped at a booksellers stall. The bookseller stroked his beard and glared at Rodeo.
“What do you want?”
“A book please”
“Five denarii”
Rodeo handed over the money.
“What do you think you’re doing?” exclaimed the bookseller.
“What?”
“Where’s the padding?”
“What padding?”
“You can’t just buy one of my books without padding. It’s just not done.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You can’t just have a book with a beginning, a middle and an end. Where’s the incredibly long prologue? The endless sub-plots? The characters I spend fifty pages introducing and who will never appear in the book again? Hey, First Seguleh, this guy is trying to buy a book without padding!”
First Seguleh appeared and advanced on Rodeo with his sword drawn.
Rodeo screamed.
What a strange dream, thought Apsalar-ene when she eventually woke up. She was sure there was a message in it somewhere.
Rodeo was woken up by Messremb shaking him.
“Its all right Rodeo. We’ve found you at last. It was all just a terrible dream.”
“It was a nightmare. I dreamt I was lost in a book with endless sub-plots and a ridiculous number of characters.
“Messremb looked back behind Rodeo where Mat, Cauthon, Mal, Gamet, Mappo, Fanderay-eve and Apsalar-ene all waited.
“What a silly idea.”
“So where do we go from here?” asked Mat.
“North” said Messremb “North to the Blighty.”
“The Blighty!” exclaimed Rodeo. “Why would we want to go there?”
“To find a legend,” answered Messremb
“Does this legend have a name?”
“They call him the Pale of the Green Man”
SOMETIMES I THINK I SHOULD JUST INSTALL A REVOLVING DOOR.
“Sorry about that, O Duke of the Darjeeling. I was just…”
SPARE ME THE EXCUSES CRUZ.
“Sorry Lord. If you could just give me one last chance, I’m sure I could fix things up.”
VERY WELL. TIME IS GETTING SHORT. THE CANUCK REBORN MUST NOT BE ALLOWED TO GET HIS HANDS ON WHAT LIES BURIED IN THE BLIGHTY. STOP HIM AT ALL COSTS. AND THIS TIME YOU ARE TAKING TWO FOOLSNAKEN WITH YOU.
“Thank you Lord.”
“THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE. IF YOU FAIL AGAIN YOU KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN”
Cruz nodded miserably. “I get re-incarnated as a woman in the sequel.”
Chapter 7
Blah, blah, blah. I mean who reads these bits at the start anyway? It’s always some obscure quotation from some guy whose name consists entirely of apostrophes. from some place consisting entirely of consonants that you need half a pint of phlegm in your throat to pronounce, written in a typeface so small you can barely read it.. Why are they never written by John Smith from Bognor?
The Prophecies of the Jaghut – The Spin Cycle
After much travelling through many lands, which I can’t be bothered describing, they arrived at their destination, just north of the land of Shienar no Shintai.
“Our destination grows near,” announced Messremb.
“How can you tell?” asked Apsalar-eve excitedly “Have you read some mystical sign?”
“Yes,” said Messremb “It’s over there”
He pointed to a large wooden sign at the roadside, which read “Secret location of the Pale of the Green Man – One Mile”
They came upon a clearing where the vegetation was in much better health than in the surrounding Blighty. Standing in the centre of the clearing was a jolly green giant dressed in a trench coat with the collar pulled up and with a battered hat pulled down over his eyes. He was writing furtively on a manuscript, which he hurriedly stuffed into his coat pocket as they drew near. The title appeared to be “A Suitable Case for Treatment Chapter 2”.
“Of all the mystically hidden clearings in all the…” he began.
“There is no time for that!” snapped Messremb.
“Pushy dame” grumbled the Pale of the Green Man. He squinted at Messremb. “Jeez, you are one ugly broad, aren’t you?”
Mal growled and reached for his sword.
“Peace Mal” said Messremb. “Pale of the Green Man, you know why we have come.”
Pale nodded.
He led them to an arched entrance to a cave. Inside was a pool of a strange pink liquid.
“Spam” said Messremb “Spam in its purest liquid form.”
“I have found you at last Lews Cannon” said a voice.
Outside stood Cruz with two men that they had never seen before, but Messremb gasped in horror.
“Cyandor and Bad” he hissed “Foolsnaken!”
Suddenly all was confusion.
Mal, Gamet and Mappo charged Bad. Bad drew a bottle of whisky out of his pocket and deliberately smashed it on the ground. Mal, Gamet and Mappo fainted.
Messremb hurled fireballs at Cyandor.
“*Ahem* this” said Cruz “I’m lying low until this is over”. He hid.
Cyandor gestured and Messremb was sent flying.
Rodeo, Mat, Cauthon, Fanderay-eve and Apsalar-ene scattered.
Cyandor reached to grab Messremb, but before he could the Pale of the Green Man threw his arms around him and crushed him in his mighty grip.
Flames burst from Pale as Cyandor fought back. Roots began to appear on Cyandor’s skin. Eventually Cyandor collapsed to the ground. A small tea bush began to grow out of his corpse.
But the Pale of the Green Man was mortally wounded.
As he died a strange tree grew up out of his body.
“I think it’s a gumshoe tree,” said Messremb.
Rodeo had fled up the hill. He soon found himself at the edge of a cliff.
“You are trapped Lews Cannon” said Bad.
Rodeo decided to play for time. “Damn” he said, “I’m going to die and I’ve never even seen Swan Lake ”
Bad paused.
“What? Never?”
Rodeo shook his head.
“Well” said Bad, “I suppose if we had some music I could dance a little bit of it for you.”
Rodeo drew on the One Power and music filled the air. Bad began to dance around the cliff-top. He pirouetted. He strutted. He leapt majestically into the air.
He leapt too far and plunged over the side of the cliff. Rodeo looked down at the body on the rocks below, pulled out a cigar and, putting on his best Austrian accent, quipped, “I guess that makes you Ben Adaephon The Flat”
Rodeo rejoined the others. He could tell from the looks that they gave him that they knew what he had done.
Messremb was holding a wooden chest.
“We found this inside the cave”
The first object inside was brown in colour and had been rectangular shaped originally, but it had been broken into little pieces.
“A garibaldi biscuit” said Messremb in a hushed voice “the making of these has long been lost to us”
“I thought those things were unbreakable,” said Fanderay-eve.
“This one formed one of the seals of the Dark Ones prison,” explained Messremb. “It has been…dunked.”
Everyone shuddered.
The second item in the chest was a white flag which had been folded up neatly inside. It bore a red maple leaf.
“There can be no more denials Rodeo al Ranch.” Said Messremb gravely “ This flag was meant for you to find. You are the Canuck Reborn”
Thus Ends the First Book of the Malazan Wheel of Time
As the closing credits scroll down the screen a bearded man appears and begins to sing:
My books make some folks sad
Others just get really mad
They rant and rave and shout and swear and curse
I said there’s just three more
When I got to number four
But now I’ve started on my twenty-first
So… always tell them there’s only three books left
[ Talamandas, Marduk and Starnberg emerge and begin whistling]
Keep on writing till your terminal breath
The writing may be rotten
The plot may be forgotten
But there’s no need to stop writing you know
You can keep going on for ages
With a stock of clichéd phrases
Fold your arms and tug your braid and off you go
And… always tell them there’s only three books left…
As the bearded man sang on… and on… and on… Cruz peered out from behind the closing credits.
Always tell them there’s only three books left
“Are they all gone?”
Always tell them there’s only three books left
“The DVD of this movie is now available in a box set of five box sets.”
Always tell them there’s only three books left
“Cheer up you old buggers. You come to a Wheel of Time movie expecting nothing. You get nothing. What have you lost? Nothing! Well, except for the admission fee and fourteen hours of your life.”
Always tell them there’s only three books left
The End
“Yes, I made it! I think I’ll stick around to watch the out-takes.”
Cadz appeared from nowhere, blew Cruz to smithereens and yelled triumphantly “Nine hundred and eighty-four!”
TYPICAL. BLOODY TYPICAL.
“What is it Lord?”
WHY DO THE BAD GUYS ALWAYS GET STUCK WITH THE BIT AT THE END THAT SETS UP THE SEQUEL?
“Dunno Lord.”
I MEAN MOST OF THE AUDIENCE HAVE ALREADY LEFT. I WOULD CERTAINLY BE DASHING TO THE TOILET AFTER A FOURTEEN-HOUR MOVIE. AND PEOPLE HAVE BUSES TO CATCH. OH WELL. BEST GET ON WITH IT.
THE CANUCK REBORN MAY HAVE WON THIS BATTLE BUT THE WAR HAS JUST BEGUN. I SHALL UNLEASH A FRESH EVIL UPON THE WORLD. BEHOLD!
A hideous creature shambled forth, foaming at the mouth and dragging his knuckles along the ground.
HE SHALL SPREAD HORROR WHEREVER HE GOES AND BRING DESPAIR TO MILLIONS.
“What do you call him Lord?”
Snake chewed on his little finger for a moment.
I SHALL CALL HIM…TARIQ UD KIND.
'This is my timey-wimey detector. Goes 'ding' when there's stuff. Also, it can boil an egg at 30 paces - whether you want it to or not, actually, so I've had to keep away from chickens. It's not good when they blow.'
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