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Awesome/Weird/Funny Arse Quotes (So SFW).

#121 User is offline   MTS 

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Posted 24 September 2009 - 06:12 AM

I got it right... ;)
Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.

Si hoc adfixum in obice legere potes, et liberaliter educatus et nimis propinquus ades.
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#122 User is offline   Aptorian 

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Posted 27 September 2009 - 11:13 AM

http://www.reddit.co...y_farms/c06cqxb

Quote

Can we make that a unit of measurement?

One Cuil = One level of abstraction away from the reality of a situation.

Example: You ask me for a Hamburger.

1 Cuil: if you asked me for a hamburger, and I gave you a raccoon.

2 Cuils: If you asked me for a hamburger, but it turns out I don't really exist. Where I was originally standing, a picture of a hamburger rests on the ground.

3 Cuils: You awake as a hamburger. You start screaming only to have special sauce fly from your lips. The world is in sepia.

4 Cuils: Why are we speaking German? A mime cries softly as he cradles a young cow. Your grandfather stares at you as the cow falls apart into patties. You look down only to see me with pickles for eyes, I am singing the song that gives birth to the universe.

And so on.

edit: other Cuil levels added for completeness.

5 Cuils: You ask for a hamburger, I give you a hamburger. You raise it to your lips and take a bite. Your eye twitches involuntarily. Across the street a father of three falls down the stairs. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. I give you a hamburger. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. You cannot swallow. There are children at the top of the stairs. A pickle shifts uneasily under the bun. I give you a hamburger.You look at my face, and I am pleading with you. The children are crying now. You raise the hamburger to your lips, tears stream down your face as you take a bite. I give you a hamburger. You are on your knees. You plead with me to go across the street. I hear only children's laughter. I give you a hamburger. You are screaming as youfall down the stairs. I am your child. You cannot see anything. You take a bite of the hamburger. The concrete rushes up to meet you. You awake with a start in your own bed. Your eye twitches involuntarily. I give you a hamburger. As you kill me, I do not make a sound. I give you a hamburger.

6 Cuils: You ask me for a hamburger. My attempt to reciprocate is cut brutally short as my body experiences a sudden lack of electrons. Across a variety of hidden dimensions you are dismayed. John Lennon hands me an apple, but it slips through my fingers. I am reborn as an ocelot. You disapprove. A crack echoes through the universe in defiance of conventional physics as cosmological background noise shifts from randomness to a perfect A Flat. Children everywhere stop what they are doing and hum along in perfect pitch with the background radiation. Birds fall from the sky as the sun engulfs the earth. You hesitate momentarily before allowing yourself to assume the locus of all knowledge. Entropy crumbles as you peruse the information contained within the universe. A small library in Phoenix ceases to exist. You stumble under the weight of everythingness, Your mouth opens up to cry out, and collapses around your body before blinking you out of the spatial plane. You exist only within the fourth dimension. The fountain head of all knowledge rolls along the ground and collides witha small dog. My head tastes sideways as spacetime is re-established, you blink back into the corporeal world disoriented, only for me to hand you a hamburger as my body collapses under the strain of reconstitution. The universe has reasserted itself. A particular small dog is fed steak for the rest of its natural life. You die in a freak accident moments later, and you soul works at the returns desk for the Phoenix library. You disapprove. Your disapproval sends ripples through the inter-dimensional void between life and death. A small child begins to cry as he walks toward the stairway where his father stands.



This post has been edited by Aptorian: 27 September 2009 - 11:28 AM

2

#123 User is offline   Ain't_It_Just_ 

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Posted 27 September 2009 - 12:44 PM

View PostAptorian, on 27 September 2009 - 11:13 AM, said:

http://www.reddit.co...y_farms/c06cqxb

Quote

Can we make that a unit of measurement?

One Cuil = One level of abstraction away from the reality of a situation.

Example: You ask me for a Hamburger.

1 Cuil: if you asked me for a hamburger, and I gave you a raccoon.

2 Cuils: If you asked me for a hamburger, but it turns out I don't really exist. Where I was originally standing, a picture of a hamburger rests on the ground.

3 Cuils: You awake as a hamburger. You start screaming only to have special sauce fly from your lips. The world is in sepia.

4 Cuils: Why are we speaking German? A mime cries softly as he cradles a young cow. Your grandfather stares at you as the cow falls apart into patties. You look down only to see me with pickles for eyes, I am singing the song that gives birth to the universe.

And so on.

edit: other Cuil levels added for completeness.

5 Cuils: You ask for a hamburger, I give you a hamburger. You raise it to your lips and take a bite. Your eye twitches involuntarily. Across the street a father of three falls down the stairs. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. I give you a hamburger. You swallow and look down at the hamburger in your hands. You cannot swallow. There are children at the top of the stairs. A pickle shifts uneasily under the bun. I give you a hamburger.You look at my face, and I am pleading with you. The children are crying now. You raise the hamburger to your lips, tears stream down your face as you take a bite. I give you a hamburger. You are on your knees. You plead with me to go across the street. I hear only children's laughter. I give you a hamburger. You are screaming as youfall down the stairs. I am your child. You cannot see anything. You take a bite of the hamburger. The concrete rushes up to meet you. You awake with a start in your own bed. Your eye twitches involuntarily. I give you a hamburger. As you kill me, I do not make a sound. I give you a hamburger.

6 Cuils: You ask me for a hamburger. My attempt to reciprocate is cut brutally short as my body experiences a sudden lack of electrons. Across a variety of hidden dimensions you are dismayed. John Lennon hands me an apple, but it slips through my fingers. I am reborn as an ocelot. You disapprove. A crack echoes through the universe in defiance of conventional physics as cosmological background noise shifts from randomness to a perfect A Flat. Children everywhere stop what they are doing and hum along in perfect pitch with the background radiation. Birds fall from the sky as the sun engulfs the earth. You hesitate momentarily before allowing yourself to assume the locus of all knowledge. Entropy crumbles as you peruse the information contained within the universe. A small library in Phoenix ceases to exist. You stumble under the weight of everythingness, Your mouth opens up to cry out, and collapses around your body before blinking you out of the spatial plane. You exist only within the fourth dimension. The fountain head of all knowledge rolls along the ground and collides witha small dog. My head tastes sideways as spacetime is re-established, you blink back into the corporeal world disoriented, only for me to hand you a hamburger as my body collapses under the strain of reconstitution. The universe has reasserted itself. A particular small dog is fed steak for the rest of its natural life. You die in a freak accident moments later, and you soul works at the returns desk for the Phoenix library. You disapprove. Your disapproval sends ripples through the inter-dimensional void between life and death. A small child begins to cry as he walks toward the stairway where his father stands.





I would love to take a holiday there...
Suck it Errant!


"It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum...and I'm all out of gum."

QUOTE (KeithF @ Jun 30 2009, 09:49 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It has been proven beyond all reasonable doubt that the most powerful force on Wu is a bunch of messed-up Malazans with Moranth munitions.


0

#124 User is offline   Adjutant Stormy~ 

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Posted 29 September 2009 - 12:46 AM

Hoooo-oooly crap. That was crazy! I've hit 5 Cuils before, though.
<!--quoteo(post=462161:date=Nov 1 2008, 06:13 PM:name=Aptorian)--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Aptorian @ Nov 1 2008, 06:13 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=462161"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->God damn. Mighty drunk. Must ... what is the english movement movement movement for drunk... with out you seemimg drunk?

bla bla bla

Peopleare harrasing me... grrrrrh.

Also people with big noses aren't jews, they're just french

EDIT: We has editted so mucj that5 we're not quite sure... also, leave britney alone.<!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
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#125 User is offline   no_survivors 

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Posted 29 September 2009 - 05:57 AM

Ok not exactly original but I have to add a couple of my favourite Futurama and Simpsons lines.

Futurma
-------

Fry: So you're telling me they broadcast commercials into people's dreams?

Leela: Of course.

Fry: But, how is that possible?

Farnsworth: It's very simple. The ad gets into your brain just like this liquid gets into this egg. Although, in reality, it's not liquid, but gamma radiation.

Fry: That's awful. It's like brainwashing.

Leela: Didn't you have ads in the 20th century?

Fry: Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio. And in magazines and movies and at ball games and on buses and milk cartons and T-shirts and written in the sky. But not in dreams. No, sir-ee!

Simpsons
---------
(Marge getting arrested)

Marge: I thought you said the law was powerless.
Wiggum: Powerless to help you, not punish you.
See ten thousand ministries, See the holy rightous dogs.
They claim to heal, but all they do is steal, Abuse your faith, cheat, and rob.
~ God was Never on your Side, Lemmy Kilmister
2

#126 User is online   Tiste Simeon 

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Posted 29 September 2009 - 10:14 AM

Rep for the Cuils. That was hilarious. :D
A Haunting Poem
I Scream
You Scream
We all Scream
For I Scream.
0

#127 User is offline   Happy Cat 

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Posted 01 October 2009 - 08:54 AM

Also from the Simpsons


Homer- Stupid anti fist shaking laws.


When a rock gets thrown though the front window.

Homer- Ach, a flying rock, call a geologist.

This post has been edited by Happy Cat: 01 October 2009 - 08:57 AM




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#128 User is offline   HoosierDaddy 

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Posted 02 October 2009 - 02:43 AM

Today, I came home to my mom scowling, my dad smirking, and my little sister grinning. Apparently, my sister got into a fight with a fellow 5th grader, saying that the Beatles pwned the Jonas Brothers. My sister and the girl argued until my sister tackled her while yelling, "I am the walrus! Goo goo g'joob!" I have never before felt like such a positive influence to my siblings. MLIA

http://mylifeisavera...y.php?id=669065
Trouble arrives when the opponents to such a system institute its extreme opposite, where individualism becomes godlike and sacrosanct, and no greater service to any other ideal (including community) is possible. In such a system rapacious greed thrives behind the guise of freedom, and the worst aspects of human nature come to the fore....
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#129 User is offline   Darkwatch 

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Posted 02 October 2009 - 05:03 AM

To quote Questionable Content

Quote

MORE LIKE ASSTROPHYSICS AMIRITE???

(I am not right)

The Pub is Always Open

Proud supporter of the Wolves of Winter. Glory be to her Majesty, The Lady Snow.
Cursed Summer returns. The Lady Now Sleeps.

The Sexy Thatch Burning Physicist

Τον Πρωτος Αληθη Δεσποτην της Οικιας Αυτος

RodeoRanch said:

You're a rock.
A non-touching itself rock.
1

#130 User is online   Tiste Simeon 

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Posted 02 October 2009 - 10:23 AM

View PostHoosierDaddy, on 02 October 2009 - 02:43 AM, said:

Today, I came home to my mom scowling, my dad smirking, and my little sister grinning. Apparently, my sister got into a fight with a fellow 5th grader, saying that the Beatles pwned the Jonas Brothers. My sister and the girl argued until my sister tackled her while yelling, "I am the walrus! Goo goo g'joob!" I have never before felt like such a positive influence to my siblings. MLIA

http://mylifeisavera...y.php?id=669065

Truly, your sister is a hero of the people!
A Haunting Poem
I Scream
You Scream
We all Scream
For I Scream.
0

#131 User is offline   Ain't_It_Just_ 

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Posted 05 October 2009 - 08:45 AM

View PostTiste Simeon, on 02 October 2009 - 10:23 AM, said:

View PostHoosierDaddy, on 02 October 2009 - 02:43 AM, said:

Today, I came home to my mom scowling, my dad smirking, and my little sister grinning. Apparently, my sister got into a fight with a fellow 5th grader, saying that the Beatles pwned the Jonas Brothers. My sister and the girl argued until my sister tackled her while yelling, "I am the walrus! Goo goo g'joob!" I have never before felt like such a positive influence to my siblings. MLIA

http://mylifeisavera...y.php?id=669065

Truly, your sister is a hero of the people!


Repalicious, HD. That is one of the funnier things I have heard in some time.
Suck it Errant!


"It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum...and I'm all out of gum."

QUOTE (KeithF @ Jun 30 2009, 09:49 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It has been proven beyond all reasonable doubt that the most powerful force on Wu is a bunch of messed-up Malazans with Moranth munitions.


0

#132 User is offline   amphibian 

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Posted 05 October 2009 - 03:49 PM

Me to probable money-grubbing woman:

Quote

Let me put it this way - all my equity right now is in booze.

I survived the Permian and all I got was this t-shirt.
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#133 User is offline   Happy Cat 

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Posted 06 October 2009 - 02:45 AM

Quote

Sex works better than chocolate as a behavior modifier.
Wonder If any-one else has stumbled on to this.




From the Big Band Theory



1

#134 User is offline   D'rek 

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Posted 08 October 2009 - 03:57 AM

View PostHappy Cat, on 06 October 2009 - 02:45 AM, said:

Quote

Sex works better than chocolate as a behavior modifier.
Wonder If any-one else has stumbled on to this.




From the Big Band Theory



the Big Band Theory? Is that that sitcom about jazz-nerds who live together and have problems meeting women because they're socially awkward at modern clubs with techno and hip-hop?

View Postworrywort, on 14 September 2012 - 08:07 PM, said:

I kinda love it when D'rek unleashes her nerd wrath, as I knew she would here. Sorry innocent bystanders, but someone's gotta be the kindling.
1

#135 User is offline   Morgoth 

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Posted 08 October 2009 - 04:27 AM

View PostD, on 08 October 2009 - 03:57 AM, said:

View PostHappy Cat, on 06 October 2009 - 02:45 AM, said:

Quote

Sex works better than chocolate as a behavior modifier.
Wonder If any-one else has stumbled on to this.




From the Big Band Theory



the Big Band Theory? Is that that sitcom about jazz-nerds who live together and have problems meeting women because they're socially awkward at modern clubs with techno and hip-hop?


more commonly known as the watching trickster pub
Take good care to keep relations civil
It's decent in the first of gentlemen
To speak friendly, Even to the devil
1

#136 User is offline   Raymond Luxury Yacht 

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Posted 08 October 2009 - 08:54 PM

Zing!
Error: Signature not valid
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#137 User is offline   HoosierDaddy 

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Posted 09 October 2009 - 02:23 AM

Jealousy is unbcoming, Morgy. You can hang out too if you want to. :p

Random things I heard while subbing today (13-18 year old children):

"I go to a strip club every night."
"Oh really? My BEDROOM is a strip club!"


"Tree huggins alright, as long as you're in a deer-stand while doin it."


On being asked if government should continue funding of welfare programs, after being told that people who aren't working shouldn't get welfare,:

Me: "Well, what if the person is trying to get a job, but can't? At what point should benefits begin or end?"
Student: "Well my boyfriend was on unemployment for months and didn't try to find a job. He didn't try until he had 30 days left, and it was about to run out."
Me: "Well.... Well.... Well, there's your answer."

Proud to be a Hoosier.
Trouble arrives when the opponents to such a system institute its extreme opposite, where individualism becomes godlike and sacrosanct, and no greater service to any other ideal (including community) is possible. In such a system rapacious greed thrives behind the guise of freedom, and the worst aspects of human nature come to the fore....
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#138 User is offline   D'rek 

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Posted 10 October 2009 - 02:04 AM

Some quotes from the "overheard" section of my college newspaper where they post things people have overheard:

Quote

Professor: Do they still let kids outside? I wouldn’t let my daughter outdoors. I told her, ‘You’re not allowed outside until you’re 30 and know how to use a gun.’


Quote

Girl: I hate buses! They’re so loud! They are like baby dragons roaring out of the womb


Quote

Girl: I don’t know if you’ve realized this, but the ceiling is made of concrete. Doesn’t that concern you? Because concrete is heavy and will hurt if it falls on you.


Quote

Girl 1: I like food. I like it in my stomach. But I like to chew it first,
otherwise digestion is difficult.
Girl 2: Have you ever considered not talking?


Quote

Girl: You know what I just figured out? Chickens don’t have fingers. Why on earth do we eat chicken fingers if they are nonexistent?

View Postworrywort, on 14 September 2012 - 08:07 PM, said:

I kinda love it when D'rek unleashes her nerd wrath, as I knew she would here. Sorry innocent bystanders, but someone's gotta be the kindling.
1

#139 User is offline   Ain't_It_Just_ 

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Posted 10 October 2009 - 04:49 AM

View PostD, on 10 October 2009 - 02:04 AM, said:

Some quotes from the "overheard" section of my college newspaper where they post things people have overheard:

Quote

Professor: Do they still let kids outside? I wouldn’t let my daughter outdoors. I told her, ‘You’re not allowed outside until you’re 30 and know how to use a gun.’


Quote

Girl: I hate buses! They’re so loud! They are like baby dragons roaring out of the womb


Quote

Girl: I don’t know if you’ve realized this, but the ceiling is made of concrete. Doesn’t that concern you? Because concrete is heavy and will hurt if it falls on you.


Quote

Girl 1: I like food. I like it in my stomach. But I like to chew it first,
otherwise digestion is difficult.
Girl 2: Have you ever considered not talking?


Quote

Girl: You know what I just figured out? Chickens don’t have fingers. Why on earth do we eat chicken fingers if they are nonexistent?



I like the sound of your college? Do you ever have drinking competitions with the profs?
Suck it Errant!


"It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum...and I'm all out of gum."

QUOTE (KeithF @ Jun 30 2009, 09:49 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
It has been proven beyond all reasonable doubt that the most powerful force on Wu is a bunch of messed-up Malazans with Moranth munitions.


0

#140 User is offline   HoosierDaddy 

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Posted 10 October 2009 - 04:52 AM

We did at my law school. There was no victor. But, Journey's "Faithfully" has never been karaoked as sweet as that. Also, the time our law professor said he'd pay for all our drinks, I saw him whip out multiple hundred dollar bills on a couple occasions. Moral of the story? Law students drink. A fucking lot. An almost unbelievable amount. Morgy will back me up.
Trouble arrives when the opponents to such a system institute its extreme opposite, where individualism becomes godlike and sacrosanct, and no greater service to any other ideal (including community) is possible. In such a system rapacious greed thrives behind the guise of freedom, and the worst aspects of human nature come to the fore....
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