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Jokes! Sit down comedy

#281 worry

Master of the Deck

Group: Malaz Regular
Posts: 14,687
Joined: 24-February 10
Location:the buried west

Posted 12 September 2011 - 11:05 PM

This one has been making the rounds (kinda helps if you do it out loud):

Q: What kind of material does Mario prefer for his overalls?

A: DENIM DENIM DENIM

They came with white hands and left with red hands.

#282 Adjutant Stormy~

Captain, Team Quick Ben

Group: Team Quick Ben
Posts: 1,344
Joined: 24-January 08

Posted 15 September 2011 - 08:50 PM

A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali under a tree. A caterpillar gets on the Romanian's shoulder. The Romanian throws the caterpillar at the Jew, the Jew throws the caterpillar at the Somali, the Somali picks up the caterpillar and eats it. Another caterpillar gets on the Romanian, the Romanian throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up and ask the Somali: "Do you want to buy a caterpillar?"

Roses are grey.

Violets are grey.

ROFL I'm a dog.

This post has been edited by Adjutant Stormy: 15 September 2011 - 09:54 PM

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE (Aptorian @ Nov 1 2008, 06:13 PM) <a href="index.php?act=findpost&pid=462161"><{POST_SNAPBACK}></a></div><div class='quotemain'>God damn. Mighty drunk. Must ... what is the english movement movement movement for drunk... with out you seemimg drunk?

bla bla bla

Peopleare harrasing me... grrrrrh.

Also people with big noses aren't jews, they're just french

EDIT: We has editted so mucj that5 we're not quite sure... also, leave britney alone.</div>

#283 Tiste Simeon

Faith, Heavy Metal & Bacon

Group: Malaz Regular
Posts: 12,101
Joined: 08-October 04
Location:T'North

Posted 16 September 2011 - 08:27 AM

Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his dinner before it was cool...

A Haunting Poem
I Scream
You Scream
We all Scream
For I Scream.

#284 Gothos

Map painting expert

Group: Malaz Regular
Posts: 5,428
Joined: 01-January 03
Location:.pl

Posted 16 September 2011 - 11:16 AM

Monday
We've hijacked a plane on the Moscow airfield, passengers as hostages. We want a million dollars and a flight to Mexico.

Tuesday
We're waiting for a response from the government. We had a drink with the pilots. The passengers got their supplies out. We had a drink with the passengers. The pilots had a drink with the passengers.

Wednesday
A mediator flew in. He brought vodka. We drank with the mediator, the pilots and the passenger. The mediator asked us to release half the passengers.
We let them go, what the hell.

Thursday
The passengers came back with vodka. Partied 'till morning. We let the other half of the passengers and pilots go.

Friday
The other half of passengers and the pilots came back with booze. They brought friends. Partied 'till morning.

Saturday
Specnaz came to the plane. With vodka. Partied 'till Monday.

Monday
More and more people with booze get onto the plane. There's the militia, some soldiers, firemen, even some sailors.

Tuesday
We're so very tired. We want to turn ourselves in and release the plane. Specnaz disagrees. The pilots had visiting family from Vladivostok. They brought more vodka.

Wednesday
We're negotiating. The passengers agree to release us, if we bring more vodka.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

#285 majomull

Gallowglass

Group: Malaz Regular
Posts: 6
Joined: 15-July 11

Posted 16 September 2011 - 12:31 PM

What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

Glittering Stone

#286 Mrs Savagely Wishy Washy

unaligned and irremediable

Group: Malaz Regular
Posts: 192
Joined: 05-March 10
Location:the city of dreaming spires
Interests:vested.
Ugly is the new pretty.

Posted 16 September 2011 - 02:33 PM

http://www.thearistocratsjoke.com/who

Go knock yourselves out.

but are they worth preserving?
'that judgement does not belong to you.'

#287 Lucifer's Heaven

Shaved Knuckle

Group: Administrators
Posts: 458
Joined: 10-March 07

Posted 06 October 2011 - 12:22 PM

From a friend's facebook wall.

"I hear Jobs are going at Apple..."

"Now that Jobs is gone, just watch Apple crumble"

"They could have saved him with a defibrillator, but Steve didn't support Flash"

"Isn't it ironic that Steve Jobs died of something with the initials PC"

"So how'd you save the world?"
"Averted the rapture by drowning the baby Jesus in his own tears"

#288 POOPOO MCBUMFACE

High Fist

Group: Malaz Regular
Posts: 435
Joined: 01-April 11
Location:Scotland

Posted 06 October 2011 - 12:44 PM

Steve Jobs isn't dead, they're just holding him the wrong way

#289 Illuyankas

Retro Classic

Group: The Hateocracy of Truth
Posts: 7,254
Joined: 28-September 04
Will cluck you up

Posted 06 October 2011 - 02:38 PM

The first one I saw was 'no jobs are safe under Obama'.

Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. I’m on a quorl.

#290 Solidsnape

Emperor

Group: Malaz Regular
Posts: 802
Joined: 21-March 11
Location:England.
Interests:Playing Guitar/Ukulele/Banjolele, reading, music, Wing Chun Kuen, my 2 boys and my wonderful GF.
From good 'ol Newcastle upon Tyne.

Posted 21 October 2011 - 08:35 PM

Colonel gaddafi's captors have confirmed that he was discovered in an underground storm drain along with his son, his minister of defence and an unknown man in a dressing gown with a fishing rod, can of lager and a cooked chicken.

Not the most accessible of jokes, I'll grant you. But real funny if you get it.

"If you seek the crumpled bones of the T'lan Imass,
gather into one hand the sands of Raraku"
The Holy Desert
- Anonymous.

#291 tiam

Ascendant

Group: Mott Irregulars
Posts: 3,948
Joined: 26-January 06

Posted 22 October 2011 - 01:24 PM

The need to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is never more than a whim away....

I LOLed anyway

#292 Blind Sapper

Captain

Group: Tehol's Blissful Chickens
Posts: 172
Joined: 26-June 11

Posted 22 October 2011 - 02:12 PM

Don't know if you've seen this one, its fairly common.

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and a Rabbi are having an argument at their weekend camping trip. The argument is over who is the best at converting people.
Eventually, thay decide to resolve this problem with a contest. The contest is for each of them to find a bear, convert it, and then meet with the others back at camp the next day. So they set out.

The next day, they all meet up again the next day. The Catholic priest says, "I converted my bear by sprinkling holy water on him and praying the rosary with him. I then Baptised him in the river."
The Buddhist monk says, "I led him in my favorite mantra while we meditated, then he let me shave his head and he wore the proper robes of my order."
The Rabbi, who is in a full body cast, winces and says," Well, maybe I shouldn't have started with Circumcision..."

PSI Rockin' since 199X

#293 Adjutant Stormy~

Captain, Team Quick Ben

Group: Team Quick Ben
Posts: 1,344
Joined: 24-January 08

Posted 11 November 2011 - 02:56 AM

What do you do when you see a dead spider in the toilet?

Give him a burial-at-pee.

#294 Gust Hubb

Necromancer Extraordinaire

Group: High House Mafia
Posts: 1,488
Joined: 19-May 11
Location:Northern Hemisphere
Interests:Glass slides with entrapped bits of colored tissue
Around, just quiet....er

Posted 12 November 2011 - 01:18 AM

So this guy is driving down a country road when suddenly a rabbit leaps in front of his car. He swerves desperately, but still feels a sickening crunch and bump before hitting the brakes and pulling over to the shoulder. He runs back to the furry lump in the road and falls to his knees, lower lip trembling.

At that moment another car pulls up and a woman scurries to his side.

"Sir, what's wrong? Are you ok?"

"No," blubbered the man, who had a special place in his heart for nature, "I just killed this poor cute bunny. I'll never forgive myself!!!"

"Hold on a sec," stated the woman and she rushed back to her car. The man watched her with bleary confusion as she opened her trunk and ran over shaking an aerosol can. She bent over, sprayed the dead rabbit. There were a couple of quiet seconds before the rabbit suddenly lept to its feet. It looked at both people, waved both of its front paws, and hopped away. Every several feet, it would turn around, wave at the couple with its paws, and then continue onward.

"What the fu...." queried the man.

The woman held up the can's label for his inspection:

ACME HAIR SPRAY: BRINGS LIFE BACK TO DEAD HAIR! ADDS PERMANENT WAVE.

"You don't clean u other peoples messes.... You roll in them like a dog on leftover smoked whitefish torn out f the trash by raccoons after Sunday brunch on a hot day."
~Abyss