[masan's saddle]

Kate Middleton is a very attractive woman, she is also the first person to squeeze into Diana's ring since Dodi Al Fayed.

[Thelomen Toblerone]

You're forgetting the paramedic.

[Blueiron]

Zanth13, on 26 July 2009 - 05:30 PM, said:

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.... [ Long f-ing joke]

What.



nrghhumph.

[Slow Ben]

Oldie but a goodie.




A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community,
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your knee."



<BR clear=all>

[Tiste Simeon]

Ladies and Gents, I present the worst/best joke ever:

They have recently opened a CS Lewis themed curry house near me. It's pretty much the same as all other Indian restaurants but a bit naanier...

[Macros]

bloody awful

[MTS]

Agreed, just terrible.

A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

----

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

[Use Of Weapons]

I saw a guy chatting up a cheetah the other day.
I thought, 'He's trying to pull a fast one.'

[frookenhauer]

all my jokes are in extremely bad taste, generally offensive to one group or another, so I shall sit this one out

[Tiste Simeon]

Clearly you haven't read half the jokes in this thread...

[frookenhauer]

Mine are worse...actually

The A1 and the A1081 are sitting in a bar, all of a sudden the door crashes open and in storms the M1, "I'm hard I am" and barges up to bar and stands there glaring at the other 2 roads. The A1 sees all the lanes, the cats eyes and whatnot and realises that the M1 is most definitely harder than him and says. "what you having?". M1 looms over him and says "Just get me a-" Just then the door gets blown off it5s hinges and a tiny bit of pinc tarmac strolls in...

The three roads turn around and look and quick as a flash the M1 jumps behind the bar, the A1 hides under a table and the 1081 legs it out back. the barman turns to the M1 and asks "Here, I thought you were hard?" The M1 dithers"I may be hard but that's a cycle-path!

[Tiste Simeon]

Two snowmen in a field, one turns to the other and says "Hey can you smell Carrots?"

[Adjutant Stormy~]

Quote

Jim Norton owns you all with this list o' lists:

The 50 funniest moments in child pornography.
Women over 60 I've raped with a meat cleaver.
The 5 snappiest remarks I've made while videotaping a miscarriage.
My favorite 3 scenes in The Shining to masturbate to.
The 10 lamest excuses my girlfriend ever gave for not eating my ass.
Pet names for my penis that rhyme with cesspool.
My favorite Scriptures to read aloud while teabagging a retarded girl.
The 4 best jobs my dad ever lost due to sodomy convictions.
Dinners my mother made that tasted worse than the diharreah of a cancer patient.
The 6 most racist things I've yelled out a car window.
Women with the worst smelling pussies, in order of ethnicity.
Trinkets I own made out of gorilla hands.
Fat girls I've stood up on New Year's Eve.
The 7 largest objects I've ever hidden in my asshole.
Women under 30 I'd like to slash with a razor.
Freudian slips I've had around burn victims.
The 10 most barbaric things I've done to the foreskin of an immigrant.
Neighborhoods I’ve been chased out of due to Megan’s Law.
The 5 prettiest girlfriends I ever lost by chasing them with doo doo on a stick.
Dreams I've shattered by driving drunk.
Women I've seen in snuff films that reminded me of Nicole Kidman.
Speech impediments I've tolerated during phone sex.
Embarrassing remarks that have been made regarding my genitals warts.
Good-natured anecdotes about the Columbine shootings.
Important political events I've spoiled by loudly defecating in my pants.
People I've made up AIDS rumors about, in order of how badly it ruined their lives.
Black churches I bombed in the south.
20 people I hope die of leukemia.
The 10 most erotic wrestling holds ever put on me by an older gentleman.
The 8 most disfigured people I ever beat up to impress a girl.
Celebrity face I've painted on my scrotum.
Inappropriate times I've screamed, "c**t!" at my grandmother.
American League shortstops I want to suck off, in order of batting average.
My favorite songs to hum while gay bashing with a hammer claw.
The 5 nicest hineys I ever sniffed by accident.
Altzeimer patients I've bilked out of their life savings by posing as a relative.
The 15 dirtiest things I would do with Bob Dole's right arm.
Rectal itch creams I've received on my birthday, in order of effectiveness.
25 autistics I think are faking it.
Best selling poems I've written about clitoral circumcision.
The 3 foulest fluids ever dripped on me by a prostitute.
Dates I've had that wound up going to trial, in order of how badly they were asking for it.
My 5 most impressive achievements as a N.A.M.B.L.A. member.
Girls I’ve fingered in their sleep.
10 things I’ve done while babysitting that could me misconstrued.
Sexual fantasies I’ve had revolving around pig feces.
Under aged girls I’ve had erection difficulties with.
Girlfriends who’ve caught me 69ing with their fathers.
Parasites I’ve caught nesting in my pubic hair.
The 4 most inconvenient times a pigeon has shit in my mouth.
The 6 most disgusting Port o Johns I’ve fallen into face first.
Relatives I’ve gotten erections with while slow dancing.

[Adjutant Stormy~]

1) What's blue and never fits properly?

A dead epileptic.

2) How many Christians does it take to screw in a lightbulb.

Two, but only God knows how they got in there.

3) An elderly man is driving down the M1when his mobile rings.Answering it,he hears his wife on the other end.
"albert",she says,"please be careful when you`re driving back.I just heard on the radio
that there`s a maniac on the M1.he`s driving the wrong way!"
"its not just one" albert replies,"There`s fucking hundreds of them!"

4) Young Jimmy is absent from school one day. On his return,his teacher asks:"We dint see you in class - what was wrong with you yesterday Jimmy"?
"My daddy got burned miss " says Jimmy. Taken aback, the teacher replies, "Thats a shame, Jimmy,Was he badly burnt"?
Jimmy looks at her."well,they don't fuck about at the crematorium, miss."

5) What do you get when you've buried a lawyer up to his neck in sand?

More sand.

6) An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing."

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,

"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the fucking jar open"

This post has been edited by Adjutant Stormy: 02 December 2010 - 10:20 AM

[Adjutant Stormy~]

1) *This one requires some work out of you. Extend your arms out to either side of you.*
What do you call that?

A hell of a way to spend Easter.

2) An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[Use Of Weapons]

Exit signs...
...they're on the way out, aren't they?


Tricky, isn't it, when you're at a mosque and everyone's praying, and you really like leapfrog?

[masan's saddle]

I've just been diagnosed with CDO, it's a bit like OCD except...., ALL THE LETTERS ARE IN THE CORRECT ALPHABETICAL ORDER !......... you know, the way they are supposed to be.

[Adjutant Stormy~]

MISOGYNY WARNING

1) A plane is going down, and a desperate virgin tears her clothes off and shouts to the passengers "Can anyone make me feel like a real woman before I die?"

A man stands up, volunteering, tears his shirt off and throws it to her shouting back "Here! Iron it!"

2) How many men does it take to open a beer?

None, it should be open when she brings it to you.

3)

Quote

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*** MAN RULES ***
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

[Adjutant Stormy~]

A man walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the goddam, mother fucking manager you cock-sucking arsewipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies,"Excuse me, sir, but could you refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the man asks, "Are you the chicken- fucking manager of this bastard joint?"

"Yes, sir, I am," the manager replies, " and could I ask you to refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant."

"Fuck off!" replies the man. " And where's the fucking piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"Fucking deaf as well are we? You little piece of svivelling shit, show us your pissing piano!"

"Aaaah,"replies the manager. " You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the man to the piano. " Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I fucking can," and the man proceeds to play the most inspiring and honky-tonk blues that the manager had ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the man. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the man knows any jazz. The man proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

" I want a wank over the washing machine but my bollocks keeps getting stuck in the soap drawer." The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if the man knows any romantic ballads. The man then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's that called?" asks the manager.

"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece." replies the man. The manager is highly upset by the man's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talks to any of the custumers.

This arrangement works well for a few months until one night, sitting opposite is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid eyes on. She's wearing an almost see-through dress, her boobs are almost falling out at the top and the skimpy little G-string she is wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots with the butter dripping down her chin. It is too much for the man and he runs off to the lavatory to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'.He is pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice....

"Where's the bloody pianist?" He just has time to shoot his bolt and - in a fluster - runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out of your trousers and dripping spunk all over your shoes?"

"Know it?" the pianist replies......

"I fucking wrote it!!"

[knight of shadows]

my bad some one else already posted that joke

This post has been edited by knight of shadows: 08 December 2010 - 11:37 PM