[Bent]

waydoug, on Aug 6 2009, 12:21 PM, said:

Now that I'va been chastised for the imagery of a "joke", how's about another one?

A man wakes up iearly one morning and finds his worst nightmare has come true. A bear is up on his roof. He phones the pest removal guys. Soon a guy pulls up in a truck, in the back is a big cage. Out of the truck he brings out a very mean pit-bull, a shotgun, a baseball bat and a ladder. Walks up to the man who asks him what all the stuff is for. The guy says, "First I put up the ladder and climb up on the roof, then I hit the bear with the bat which knocks him off the roof. The dog then runs over and bites onto the bears balls, then I haul the bear into the cage and off we go." The man says, "What's the gun for then?"
The guy says, "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

bravo!

[Raymond Luxury Yacht]

We're very proud of you. That joke was much less rapey.

[Battalion]

waydoug, on Aug 6 2009, 05:21 PM, said:

Now that I'va been chastised for the imagery of a "joke", how's about another one?

A man wakes up iearly one morning and finds his worst nightmare has come true. A bear is up on his roof. He phones the pest removal guys. Soon a guy pulls up in a truck, in the back is a big cage. Out of the truck he brings out a very mean pit-bull, a shotgun, a baseball bat and a ladder. Walks up to the man who asks him what all the stuff is for. The guy says, "First I put up the ladder and climb up on the roof, then I hit the bear with the bat which knocks him off the roof. The dog then runs over and bites onto the bears balls, then I haul the bear into the cage and off we go." The man says, "What's the gun for then?"
The guy says, "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

I am utterly disgusted by this 'joke'.
Do you think animal cruelty is funny?
Millions of animals die at the hands of barbaric humans very single year ...

... Okay, I'm only joking. Huh huh. Heh heh.

fighting for the right of free speech on the forums! down with the left wing oppressors!

[Grumble]

Two black pieces of tarmac walk into a pub.

The landlord being used to such weird things asks them what they would like to drink.

" Two pints of your best bitter " is the reply.

Once served the pieces of tarmac gather their pints and wander over to a quiet table in the corner of the pub.

20 minutes later one of the pieces of tarmac returns with the empty glasses and orders two more pints.

The landlord pours the drinks, receives payment and watches as the piece of tarmac returns to the quiet corner with the drinks.

Five minutes later the pub door flies open and a red piece of tarmac storms up to the bar.

The landlord, who had been wondering why HE had to be in this crappy joke, walks over and asks if he can help.

" Double whisky " snarls the red piece of tarmac slamming a £20 note down on the counter.

Although unhappy with the tone of the request the Landlord is more than happy to take the business and sets down the drink.

Picked up in a blink of an eye the red piece of tarmac throws the whisky down its throat.

" Another " snaps the red piece of tarmac shoving money towards the barman.

" Coming up " replies the barman placing the drink on the counter.

Again the red piece of tarmac downs the drink in one.

" Same again " ventures the barman.

But this time he gets no reply, in fact he notices that the red piece of tarmac has just seen the black pieces of tarmac in the corner having their quiet drink.

" Friends of yours " he is just about to say as the red piece of tarmac unleashes a wild scream and races to the corner to attack the other two pieces of tarmac.

Well you can imagine the carnage, it takes the barman, the bouncer and three regulars to get the red piece of tarmac off the others.

The language is industrial as finally the barmen and his help finally eject the red piece of tarmac from the pub after threatening to call the police.

Shaking his head as he surveys the damage to the pub the landlord walks over to the two black pieces of tarmac who are both looking worse for wear after their brutal assault.

" I'm really sorry about this, I don't know what came over him "

" Please don't worry " reply the two pieces of black tarmac

" We have had dealings with him before "

" He's a total ,,,,,,,



















"Cyclepath" :Surprise:

[Obdigore]

So they paint cycle trails red where you come from?



A horse walks into a bar, and the Bartender turns to him and says 'Hey bud, why the long face?'

This post has been edited by Obdigore: 07 August 2009 - 09:27 PM

[Illuyankas]

The horse replies, "I have hepatitis C, you insensitive fuck!"

[Obdigore]

Illuyankas, on Aug 7 2009, 04:33 PM, said:

The horse replies, "I have hepatitis C, you insensitive fuck!"

And then the Bartender says, 'Don't geld yourself, I was just making a joke!'

[Illuyankas]

Obdigore, on Aug 7 2009, 10:36 PM, said:

Illuyankas, on Aug 7 2009, 04:33 PM, said:

Obdigore, on Aug 7 2009, 10:24 PM, said:

A horse walks into a bar, and the Bartender turns to him and says 'Hey bud, why the long face?'

The horse replies, "I have hepatitis C, you insensitive fuck!"

And then the Bartender says, 'Don't geld yourself, I was just making a joke!'

"That was a joke? I say thee neigh!"

[Obdigore]

Illuyankas, on Aug 7 2009, 04:41 PM, said:

Obdigore, on Aug 7 2009, 10:36 PM, said:

Illuyankas, on Aug 7 2009, 04:33 PM, said:

Obdigore, on Aug 7 2009, 10:24 PM, said:

A horse walks into a bar, and the Bartender turns to him and says 'Hey bud, why the long face?'

The horse replies, "I have hepatitis C, you insensitive fuck!"

And then the Bartender says, 'Don't geld yourself, I was just making a joke!'

"That was a joke? I say to thee neigh!"

Fixed.

"You aren't glued to that spot, GTFO of my bar if you aren't ordering!"

[Grief]

Hilarious-thanks

[Grief]

Oh, and i've heard the joke before in different form Grumble.

For good measure:

Two Polo mints walk into a bar.

The landlord being used to such weird things asks them what they would like to drink.

" Two pints of your best bitter " is the reply.

Once served the polos gather their pints and wander over to a quiet table in the corner of the pub.

20 minutes later one of the polos returns with the empty glasses and orders two more pints.

The landlord pours the drinks, receives payment and watches as the polo returns to the quiet corner with the drinks.

Five minutes later the pub door flies open and a spearmint storms up to the bar.

The landlord, who had been wondering why HE had to be in this crappy joke, walks over and asks if he can help.

" Double whisky " snarls the spearmint slamming a £20 note down on the counter.

Although unhappy with the tone of the request the Landlord is more than happy to take the business and sets down the drink.

Picked up in a blink of an eye the spearmint throws the whisky down its throat.

" Another " snaps the mint shoving money towards the barman.

" Coming up " replies the barman placing the drink on the counter.

Again the spearmint downs the drink in one.

" Same again " ventures the barman.

But this time he gets no reply, in fact he notices that the spearmint has just seen the polos in the corner having their quiet drink.

" Friends of yours " he is just about to say as the spearmint unleashes a wild scream and races to the corner to attack the other polos.

Well you can imagine the carnage, it takes the barman, the bouncer and three regulars to get the spearmint off the others.

The language is industrial as finally the barmen and his help finally eject the spearmint from the pub after threatening to call the police.

Shaking his head as he surveys the damage to the pub the landlord walks over to the two polos who are both looking worse for wear after their brutal assault.

" I'm really sorry about this, I don't know what came over him "

" Please don't worry " reply the two polos

" We have had dealings with him before "

" That mint. He's....



















"Menthol" :Surprise:
-------------------------

Though I heard it in a slightly different form, I just used yours.

[coltainereborn]

Caution: this joke is vile and filthy, if you are easliy offended please do not read this
(but its the only joke I know)


Mod Edit: yes it was....keep them some what clean please....Bubba



Don't say I didn't warn you

[Sixty]

@coltaine: I lol'd.

This is an old one I read from bash a while back:

<Anonymous> Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little c**ts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
<Anonymous> Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little c**t he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
<Anonymous> Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.”
<Anonymous> And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the c**t she is.
<Anonymous> I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.

[dktorode]

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

[Happy Cat]

My women use to say, " F**k-you if you can't take a joke.
Well I can't, and she did.

Why am I still married?
I told my woman if she didn't like it here, there's the door.
Damn door was locked.

Wife said it was either her or fishing.
Going to miss that woman.

How can you tell I'm not from West Virginia? I got most of my teeth, and my sister is married to some-one else.

Two nuclear bombs were sitting in the rack together.
The first one says, " I wish I was still a bullet."
"Really, why?" asks the second one.
"I miss the personal touch." replies the first.

If its not done twice its not done right.

[lobo the wolfman]

After a man's check up, the doctor comes back in the says "I got good news and bad news"
The guy goes "Well give me the bad news first"
Doctor tells him "You have got three or four months to live"
So the guy asks "So what is the good news"
The doctor replies "You know that hot secretary of mine with the nice rack? Well, I'm fucking her!"

[masan's saddle]

How much do cockneys pay for shampoo ?

Pantene.



Recession beater-

Wife say's to husband, "if you cycle to work we could get rid of the second car !"
Husband replies "If you take it up the arse we can get rid of the nanny !"

[Grumble]

Gold medal winner Caster Semenya is furious at having to take a gender test.

She said " After my sucess on the track this comes as a right kick in the bollocks ! "

[bubba]

Why did the chicken cross the road?































































































































To get the fuck away from Illy......







....sorry...I had to get that out....I feel better now.

[AlanH]

What's the difference between a policeman's baton and a magician's wand? One's used for cunning stunts, the other is used for...