[Thelomen Toblerone]

Some may find this slightly off-colour:

Spoiler

A man is walking his dog along the cliffs in Dover when he comes across a little girl crying.

"What's wrong little girl?" he asks, "why are you crying?"

"My mummy and Daddy just jumped off the cliff!" she replies. "And now I'm all alone and I don't know what to do!"

"Oh dear," the man says, putting his arm around her and unzipping his flies. "It's really not your day, is it?"

[Tiste Simeon]

Dude, that's so off colour it's like anti-colour...

[Beezulbubba]

An old bull and a young bull were grazing on a hill overlooking the herd. The young bull says " Hey, after lunch, let's run down and fuck a couple of them cows." The old bull says "after lunch, we'll WALK down and fuck ALL them cows".

[Aptorian]

Quote

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"

[masan's saddle]

A husband and wife are celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary when the wife undresses and asks " What did you think when I stripped for you 20 years ago ?" The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry !". "Hmmmm" purrs the wife, "What are you thinking now ?" After an appraising glance the husband says " Looks like I did a pretty good job"

A man is driving home one day when he sees a small boy sitting on the side of the road eating grass. He pulls over and asks " What are you doing ?"
" I'm homeless and starving !" says the child
"Come with me." says the man
"Can I go and get my little brother and sister, they are also homeless and starving ?" says the boy
"Fuck no, i've only got a small lawn."

[Slow Ben]

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?























Lickalotapus

[masan's saddle]

My mate is shagging a couple of anorexic chicks at the moment.

Two birds one stone.

[Hellian's Keg Lid]

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the
dining room table:

To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs
that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with
you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:

My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:

"18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18."

Therefore I will not be home until some time tomorrow.

[worry]

I like that one.

[Salt-Man Z]

As a math major, I approve.

[Beezulbubba]

Two elderly women are on a bridge. One woman says "I've always wanted to pee off this bridge just like men do". The other woman says "go ahead and do it, there's no one else around". So the first woman sticks her bottom out over the railing and she says "I'm going to pee on that canoe down there". The second woman says "that's not a canoe thats your reflection".

This post has been edited by Beezulbubba: 25 August 2010 - 05:17 AM

[Tiste Simeon]

Some rather naff but slightly amusing ones from a guy called Tony Cowards on Twitter...

Negative Equity, the trade union for pessimistic actors.

Two friends of mine were arguing about the best way to make toasted sandwiches, I had to play Breville's advocate.

When I told my neighbours that I'd baked the largest cake in the world they all scoffed.

Does the bicycle manufacturing industry have a spokesman?

Stealing colostomy bags? That’s just taking the piss.

I got a First at University, no-one had ever pooed on the Chancellor's head.

[Salt-Man Z]

Wow. Barring the bicycle one, those are all so British as to not not make any sense to an American. (The only reason I get the "taking the piss" one is from reading Karen Traviss' books.)

Don't bother explaining, though; you know what that does to a joke.

[Raymond Luxury Yacht]

 Thelomen Toblerone, on 17 August 2010 - 06:04 PM, said:

Some may find this slightly off-colour:

Spoiler

A man is walking his dog along the cliffs in Dover when he comes across a little girl crying.

"What's wrong little girl?" he asks, "why are you crying?"

"My mummy and Daddy just jumped off the cliff!" she replies. "And now I'm all alone and I don't know what to do!"

"Oh dear," the man says, putting his arm around her and unzipping his flies. "It's really not your day, is it?"

There's a different version of this joke with the same punchline, involving a guy who had been tied up and robbed. I prefer it because it's got the same comedy withh 100% less pedophilia.

[Use Of Weapons]

 Tiste Simeon, on 26 August 2010 - 10:43 PM, said:

Some rather naff but slightly amusing ones from a guy called Tony Cowards on Twitter...

Negative Equity, the trade union for pessimistic actors.

Two friends of mine were arguing about the best way to make toasted sandwiches, I had to play Breville's advocate.

When I told my neighbours that I'd baked the largest cake in the world they all scoffed.

Does the bicycle manufacturing industry have a spokesman?

Stealing colostomy bags? That's just taking the piss.

I got a First at University, no-one had ever pooed on the Chancellor's head.

Those sound very like Tim Vine jokes. My favourite ever Tim Vine joke:


I was at the library and I saw a man cutting the bottoms of his trousers off and leaving them on the shelves. I thought, 'That's a turn-up for the books.'

[Use Of Weapons]

Or...

I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windscreen that said, 'Parking Fine'. So that was nice.

[Tapper]

A man walks down the beach, where he finds an armless and legless girl in an electrical wheelchair staring out over sea, wailing. He walks up to her and asks: "why are you crying, my dear?"
"I'm 24, and no-one ever said I look beautiful."
He decides to do the good thing, and says: "you have lovely blond hair, pretty blue eyes, I'd certainly call you beautiful."
She sniffs, thanks him, and then bursts out in tears again. He asks: "why the tears, young lady?"
"I have never been held or kissed by a man."
So he takes her out of her wheelchair, and tenderly kisses her on the mouth, which only leads to more tears.
"I have never been fucked in my whole life," she cries.
He throws her into the sea, and says: "now you're fucked."

[Salt-Man Z]

I seriously LOLed at that. And felt bad doing it. But...dang.

[Coco with marshmallows]

another somewhat off colour one:

Spoiler

New to Channel 4
Live and Uninterrupted from Chile
33 contestants,
4 months
1 bedroom......


It's Dig Brother!

[Slow Ben]

A woman was shopping at her local
supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of
eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can
of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items
on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she
placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was
ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, You must be
single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she
was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed
single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the
drunk to
her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she
said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did
you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're
ugly."