[Aptorian]

Quote

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ”Yes.” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started…

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started…

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started…

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My wife was standing in front of the mirror one day and said, "I look old, fat and ugly; I feel horrible. I need you to pay me a compliment."

So I said, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started...

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I was talking to this guy the other day and he said, "do you ever mean to say one thing, but it comes out all messed up? For instance, I was at the train station, when a very busty ticket agent came to the window. I meant to say, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh," but it came out as "I'd like two pickets to titsburgh."

And I said, "Well, yes, funny you should mention that. Just this morning, I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Please pass the butter,' but it came out as, 'I hate you bitch, you ruined my entire life.'"

[Ozymandiac]

Good ones Aptorian, have some rep

This post has been edited by Ozymandiac: 13 April 2010 - 09:39 AM

[Jaghut Engine]

Lady has these two pet monkeys and finally one day they die, so wanting to have some memories of her friends she goes to the local taxidermist and asks for him to stuff these two pet monkeys. The taxidermist asks "An how would you like them mounted ma'am?!" Woman looks a little shocked and replies "Oh no,no- I think I would prefer them to be just holding hands"

[Aptorian]

Quote

So a man and his lawyer are called by the IRS for the man to be audited.

The auditor asks the man: "You lead an amazingly extravagant lifestyle yet you have no job. How do you expect us to believe you're not hiding something from us?"

The man claims that he makes his money gambling, which the IRS agent still finds to be fishy, so he says, "Here, I'll prove it to you, I bet you $1000 that I can bite my eye!"

"Deal!" cries the auditor, thinking there's no way he can lose. The man proceeds to pull out his glass eye and chomp down on it.

The auditor is aghast when the man says: "Alright, now I bet you $2000 that I can bite my other eye."

Desperate to get his money back the IRS agent agrees. The man pulls out his dentures and bites his other eye.

The auditor is a wreck by now, he's just lost $3000 dollars to this guy with the lawyer as a witness. The man says, "Alright, last one, double or nothing. I bet I can stand on this side of your desk and pee into that trash can over there without getting a single drop in between!" And again, the desperate auditor agrees, thinking the task impossible.

The man stands up, unzips his pants, and pees all over the auditor's desk. The auditor is ecstatic, but the lawyer is starting to cry. When the auditor asks why he says: "When he told me he had to come to be audited he bet me $20,000 that he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

This post has been edited by Aptorian: 13 April 2010 - 04:03 PM

[Illuyankas]

Apt IS Quentin Tarantino!

[Aptorian]

That version was set in a bar, this is the less profane version.

[Grumble]

1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident, however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving Barbeque of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt, related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus's are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017
أ المسجل 20 تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت‎=D 8ج من

[Jusentantaka]

لدي حلم. حلم له من عالم رائع حيث الماعز سخيف البلداء أبيض يعيش في قفص. قفص والمقرر افتتاحه للعروض السيرك. مع صديقهم ، نمر جائع.

This post has been edited by Jusentantaka: 16 April 2010 - 07:54 PM

[Illuyankas]

Wouldn't they just make the tiger ill?

[Jusentantaka]

depends if they're fat or not.

[Bent]

What is the difference between having guts and having balls?

Guts - If you come home late from a wild night with the guys and your wife is standing there with a broom and you ask her "Are you still cleaning or are you about to fly away?" you have guts.

Balls - If you come home late from a wild night with the guys and smell like cheap perfume and have lipstick on your collar, and smack your wife's ass and say "You're next chubby...." You have balls.

Hope that clears things up a bit.

[Macros]

you'd have balls yes.
for about 2.3 seconds

[Yellow]

What's 12 inches long with a purple head, and drives women crazy?





















Cot death.

This post has been edited by Yellow: 16 April 2010 - 08:22 PM

[Macros]

phew.

I'm normally fine with all kinds of sick humour, but that one just doesn't work for me

[Macros]

whats the difference between Eyjafjallajökull and Cheryl Cole?



Eyjafjallajökull is still blowing ash

[Adjutant Stormy~]

Ooooooooooooh snap!

[Macros]

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"

[Grumble]

Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs with a sense of humour. This is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it


Dear Mr Addison,


I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.


Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.


Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.


Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."


A couple of technical points arising from direct queries


1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;


2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.


I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India " you would still owe us the money.


Please send it to us by Friday.


Yours sincerely,


H J Lee
Customer Relations

[Tiste Simeon]

Grumble, on 03 May 2010 - 08:32 PM, said:

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries


1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;


2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

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[Aptorian]

is that a picture of TT from the last BBQ?