[Urb]

A man in a hot-air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude he spotted a woman down on the ground. He went closer to the ground and asked the woman:
Hi there, could you help me? I'm late for an appointment, but don't know where I am.

The woman on the ground answered:
You are in a hot-air balloon approximately 30 feet above sea level at 55° 41' 47" northern latitude, 10° 12' 47" western latitude.

You must be an engineer, the man said.
I am, the woman answered. But how did you know that?

Well, the man said, everything you just told me seems technically correct, but I have no idea how to use this information, and the fact is I still don't know where I am. The only thing I got out of your help is that I am now further delayed for my meeting.

The woman on the ground answered:
You must be managemet.

I am, the man in the balloon answered. But how did you know that?

Simple. You don't know where you are or where you're going. You got where you are with the help of a lot of hot air. You have made an appointment you are incapable of meeting, and you expect people under you to solve your problem. The fact is, you are now in the same situation you were before you met me, but now it is suddenly my fault!

[Gothos]

:> bit eloquent version I must say... The one I heard has a physicist and a chemist in the baloon.

[Thelomen Toblerone]

That is a fucking BRILLIANT joke. I will steal that and claim it as my own tomorrow.

[bubba]

IN CASE YOU HAD NOT HEARD IWANTED TO PASS THE NEWS ALONG



Sad news
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.......

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[bubba]

Happy St, Pats to y'all.










Paddy was driving down the street in a sweatbecause he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me aparking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and giveup me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'




Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, andasks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go toheaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when youdie you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a grouptogether to go right now.'













Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie thebartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the littlewoman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! ? What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little coward.'













Patton staggered home very late after anotherevening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoidwaking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairsbedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbingthe banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. Awhiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especiallypainful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked inthe hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. Hemanaged to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid asbest he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his wayto bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt andKathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the brokenglass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailingthrough the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all thoseBand-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Shinrei]

By some miraculous happenstance, Brood, StoneMonkey and TisteSimeon are all fathers to be and their wives go into childbirth on the exact same day.

The three of them are in the waiting room, pacing about when the doctor enters the room. He tells them that he has good news and bad news. They are all fathers of bouncing baby boys, but because of the simultaneous births they have managed a small mixup and are not sure which boy belongs to which father.

So they go into the room where three nurses are holding the boys and Tiste immediately points to the darker skinned child and says "That one is mine!"

Stonemonkey says, "Now wait a minute, I think it's pretty obvious that that baby is my son."

Tiste says, "That's all well and good, but one of those other two is a child of Brood, and I'm NOT taking any chances."

[D'rek]

Shinrei, on 10 March 2010 - 10:18 AM, said:

By some miraculous abhorrent, grotesque, hideous happenstance, Brood, StoneMonkey and TisteSimeon are all fathers to be and their wives go into childbirth on the exact same day.

This post has been edited by D'rek: 10 March 2010 - 04:15 PM

[Tiste Simeon]

Well at least if my wife had any complications in giving birth, I could just sigh, roll my eyes and utter those immortal words, "I blame Brood." Not sure if it would help my wife though...

I say, I say I say, have you heard the one about the mathematician with constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil!

[Gothos]

I am no longer constipated.

[masan's saddle]

Here is a maths equation that will predict your all time favourite film. I'm not sure how it works, but it does.
Try it without looking at the answers as it will work, don't peek !

First, pick a number between 1 and 9

Multiply this number by 3

Add 3 to this number

Now multiply this number by 3 again.

Add the two digits together and scroll down to find your all time favourite film from the list below.




















































The movies:

1 Gone with the Wind


2 Aliens


3 Blade Runner


4 Star Wars


5 Forrest Gump


6 Saving Private Ryan


7 Jaws


8 Grease


9 The Joys of Anal Sex with Male Goats


10 Mary Poppins

[waydoug]

Don't know if this ones been uttered...?

Man gets home, to his high rise apartment, early from work, convinced that his wife has been cheating on him. He runs into the bed room to find her still in bed, alone. He flips out and tears the room apart, then the rest of the apartment. In the kitchen, after not finding anything he picks up the refrigerator and throws it out the window. While doing this he has a heart attack and dies.

He ends up in heaven with 2 other guys.

St. Peter says he'll let them into Heaven after they tell him how they died.

The first guy tells him about his fears and he fridge, he's allowed in.
The second guy says "I've been having an affair with this woman, and she said her husband was on his way home. So I hid in the refrigerator...He's allowed in.
The third guy says "I was walking down the street earlier and I happened to look up and see a refrigerator...

[bubba]

Drunk Irishman
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,


'Damn, 'Damn !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[D'rek]

waydoug, on 17 March 2010 - 11:03 PM, said:

Don't know if this ones been uttered...?

Man gets home, to his high rise apartment, early from work, convinced that his wife has been cheating on him. He runs into the bed room to find her still in bed, alone. He flips out and tears the room apart, then the rest of the apartment. In the kitchen, after not finding anything he picks up the refrigerator and throws it out the window. While doing this he has a heart attack and dies.

He ends up in heaven with 2 other guys.

St. Peter says he'll let them into Heaven after they tell him how they died.

The first guy tells him about his fears and he fridge, he's allowed in.
The second guy says "I've been having an affair with this woman, and she said her husband was on his way home. So I hid in the refrigerator...He's allowed in.
The third guy says "I was walking down the street earlier and I happened to look up and see a refrigerator...

A more elaborate, but not grammatically correct, version of that one:

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alright, so it was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The Angel at the gate said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 10th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. I knew she was fucking some bitch, I glanced out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. I wanted to kill the fucker! So I unplugged my refrigerator, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 10 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel considers this, and let's him in cuz it WAS a bad day....The next dude comes up, and is asked the same question. So the dude replies, "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 11th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I was really pushing hard, and I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. I fell and fucking hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground in shock and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 10 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

So the Angel chuckles, thinks his job is pretty cool, and let's this dude in...the third dude comes up, and again the Angel asks him the same question about how he died. So the dude goes, 'Okay, picture this, I'm hiding in this refrigerator right..."


---------------------------------------------------------

The history of medicine:
"I have a sore throat."
2000 BC : "eat this root"
1200 AD : "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1500 AD : "That prayer is superstition, drink this elixir."
1800 AD : "That elixir is snake oil, Take this pill."
1900 AD : "That pill is ineffective, Take this antibiotic."
2000 AD : "That antibiotic is artificial, Here why dont you eat this root."

[Macros]

Quantitative Easing Explained - How the Economy Works…



It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea . It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.



He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.



The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.



The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig farmer.



The pig farmer takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.



The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town prostitute that in these hard times gave her service on credit.



The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro Note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.



The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so That the rich tourist will not suspect anything.



At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.



No one earned anything.



However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.


And that, ladies and Gentlemen, is how the United States , United Kingdom & Australian Governments are doing business today.

[Macros]

A tourist is walking through an indian reservation, and gets into a conversation with an old indian man.

They're talking away, and the mans wife wlaks past, he points her out to the tourist, "theres my lovely wife, five horses."

"my, thats an interesting name, what does it mean?"

"oh its an ancient indian name, it means NAG NAG NAG NAG NAG

[Dag]

Jokes from North Korea

(more jokes at Radio Free Asia)

Following are examples of humor originally broadcast in recent months on RFA’s weekly Korean-language program, "North Korean Humor." Because all communication is tightly monitored and controlled in North Korea, these jokes were collected from defectors and refugees in South Korea and China—but they originated inside North Korea.

******

Kim Jong Il and Vladimir Putin are having a summit meeting in Moscow. During a break, they’re bored, and they decide to take a bet to see whose bodyguards are more loyal.

Putin is on the 20th floor and calls on his bodyguard Ivan, opens the window, and says: “Ivan, jump!” Sobbing, Ivan says: “Mr. President, how can you ask me to do that? I have a wife and child waiting for me at home...”

Putin sheds a tear himself, apologizes to Ivan, and sends him away.

Next, it’s Kim Jong Il's turn. He calls his bodyguard Lee Myung Man and yells: “Lee Myung Man, jump!” Not hesitating for a split second, Lee Myung Man is just about to jump out the window.

Putin hugs Lee Myung Man to prevent him from jumping and says: “Are you out of your mind? If you jump out this window, you’ll die! This is the 20th floor!” Nevertheless, Lee Myung Man is still struggling, trying to escape Putin’s embrace and jump out the window: “President Putin, please let me go! I have a wife and child at home!”


*****

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a North Korean are having a chat. The Englishman says: “I feel happiest when I’m at home, my wool pants on, sitting in front of the fireplace.”

The Frenchman, a ladies’ man, says: “You English people are so conventional. I feel happiest when I go to a Mediterranean beach with a beautiful blond-haired woman, and we do what we’ve got to do on the way back.”

The North Korean man says: “In the middle of the night, the secret police knock on the door, shouting: Kang Sung-Mee, you’re under arrest! And I say, Kang Sung-Mee doesn’t live here, but right next door! That’s when we’re happiest!”

*****

Chang Man Yong works on a collective farm in North Korea. He goes fishing, gets lucky, and brings a fish home. Happy about his catch, he tells his wife: “Look what I’ve got. Shall we eat fried fish today?”
The wife says: “We’ve got no cooking oil!”
“Shall we stew it, then?”
“We’ve got no pot!”
“Shall we grill it?”
“We’ve got no firewood!”
Chang Man Yong gets angry, goes back to the river, and throws the fish back into the water. The fish, happy to have had such a narrow escape, sticks its head out of the water and cheerfully yells: “Long live General Kim Jong Il!"

*****

Two men are talking on a Pyongyang subway train:
“How are you, comrade?”
“Fine, how are you doing?”
“Comrade, by any chance, do you work for the Central Committee of the Workers’ Party?”
“No, I don’t.”
“Have you worked for the Central Committee before?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Then, are any of your family members working for the Central Committee?”
“Nope.”
“Then, get away from me! You’re standing on my foot!”

[MTS]

What happened to the cannibal at the picnic?

He was given the cold shoulder.

HAHAHAHA

[D'rek]

MTS, on 12 April 2010 - 06:58 PM, said:

What happened to the cannibal at the picnic?

He was given the cold shoulder.

HAHAHAHA

That doesn't work as a double-entendre. It should be:


"What did the cannibal's wife give him when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder."

[Slow Ben]

Whats Irish and sits on your front porch all year, even in the rain.










Paddy O Furniture





Nyuk nyuk nyuk

[masan's saddle]

SB that was dreadful, you should hang your head in shame !

What's black and crispy and sits at the top of the stairs ?





































Stephen Hawking after a house fire.