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Been a while since I have seen anyone share any jokes. Here is a good one I just read. Enjoy
In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about an old Jew who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the Western Wall and there he is! She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?""For about 50 years." "50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?""I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for our children to grow up in safety and friendship." "How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?""Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."
Jokes! Sit down comedy
#2
masan's saddle 
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Posted 18 June 2009 - 10:42 PM
Must....remember....not...to...offend !
Good news for adventurous tourists who want something different, you can now book an Air France tour to see the Titanic.
Good news for adventurous tourists who want something different, you can now book an Air France tour to see the Titanic.
Now all the friends that you knew in school they used to be so cool, now they just bore you.
Just look at em' now, already pullin' the plow. So quick to take to grain, like some old mule.
Just look at em' now, already pullin' the plow. So quick to take to grain, like some old mule.
#3
Bent
- Keep Rolling...
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- Interests:POOP!
Posted 18 June 2009 - 10:47 PM
masan's saddle, on Jun 18 2009, 06:42 PM, said:
Must....remember....not...to...offend !
Good news for adventurous tourists who want something different, you can now book an Air France tour to see the Titanic.
Good news for adventurous tourists who want something different, you can now book an Air France tour to see the Titanic.
Brutal! + rep from me
A horse walks into a bar.... Sarah Jessica Parker says "ouch!"
ZING!
Edit: for a better punch line~Bubba
THIS IS HOW I ROLL BITCHES!!!
#4
waydoug
- Sergeant
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Posted 19 June 2009 - 12:07 AM
How about this one? I had to change the original joke around so it would fit on Elfwood.
Two Princesses were walking around their Castle one day, when near the moat they hear,
“Psst, ladies, psst, down here.”
They see a small frog sitting on a lily pad, so they pick him up.
He says, “If one of you will kiss me I’ll turn into a world famous Bard.”
The Princesses look at each other and one takes the frog and sticks him in her pocket. The other one is shocked and says, “What are you doing? Kiss him and we’ll be rich from all his stories and songs!”
The other Princess says, ”Nahh, we’ll make more money off a talkin’ frog!”
Two Princesses were walking around their Castle one day, when near the moat they hear,
“Psst, ladies, psst, down here.”
They see a small frog sitting on a lily pad, so they pick him up.
He says, “If one of you will kiss me I’ll turn into a world famous Bard.”
The Princesses look at each other and one takes the frog and sticks him in her pocket. The other one is shocked and says, “What are you doing? Kiss him and we’ll be rich from all his stories and songs!”
The other Princess says, ”Nahh, we’ll make more money off a talkin’ frog!”
#5
amphibian
- Ribbit
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- Interests:Hopping around
Posted 19 June 2009 - 02:56 AM
SAY THIS ONE OUT LOUD:
Why did the policeman go to the bathroom?
Because he had to do his duty.
Why did the policeman go to the bathroom?
Because he had to do his duty.
I survived the Permian and all I got was this t-shirt.
#6
Thelomen Toblerone
- Ascendant
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- Location:London
Posted 19 June 2009 - 02:57 AM
My dad was a man of few words.
I remember one day, he sat me down and he said, "Son,"
I remember one day, he sat me down and he said, "Son,"
#7
masan's saddle
- Emperor
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Posted 19 June 2009 - 11:37 PM
It was inevitable that Cristiano Ronaldo would follow Kaka to Real Madrid. After all, a Brazilian is always followed by an irritating clunge.
Stick your tongue out.
Slowly move it up and down,
Now move it slowly from side to side,
Congratulations, you have just completed Steven Hawking's new fitness video.
Stick your tongue out.
Slowly move it up and down,
Now move it slowly from side to side,
Congratulations, you have just completed Steven Hawking's new fitness video.
Now all the friends that you knew in school they used to be so cool, now they just bore you.
Just look at em' now, already pullin' the plow. So quick to take to grain, like some old mule.
Just look at em' now, already pullin' the plow. So quick to take to grain, like some old mule.
#8
Bhurnae
- Close to the hedge.........
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- Group: LHTEC
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- Location:Oxford , UK
- Interests:all the usual stereotypical male ones
Posted 20 June 2009 - 11:19 PM
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he
snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him
the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob
and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you?
He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him
all night. '
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -
hair all
standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You
look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof
with his snoring. I watched him all night .'
The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly
ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed
and bushy
tailed. ' Good morning,' he said.
They couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob
into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Bob sat up and watched me all night.'
snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him
the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob
and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you?
He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him
all night. '
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -
hair all
standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You
look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof
with his snoring. I watched him all night .'
The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly
ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed
and bushy
tailed. ' Good morning,' he said.
They couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob
into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Bob sat up and watched me all night.'
Mezla PigDog, on 28 September 2009 - 09:34 PM, said:
I have been entertaining tourists for many years now.... A girls gotta make a living.
#9
lobo the wolfman
- Wide Eyed Stupid
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- Group: Malaz Regular
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- Location:Australia - land of the deadly drop-bears
- Interests:Beer, books and heavy metal.
Posted 21 June 2009 - 12:18 AM
Two businessmen in Sydney were sitting down for a break, In their soon-to be, new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some prick is going
to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
man walked to the window, had a peek, and asked 'What are you selling here?’
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the man said, 'You are doing well ... Only
Two left!'
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some prick is going
to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
man walked to the window, had a peek, and asked 'What are you selling here?’
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the man said, 'You are doing well ... Only
Two left!'
In a world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, but the monkey will spank us.
#10
Grumble
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Posted 21 June 2009 - 01:44 PM
BREAKING NEWS:
Real Madrid are wanting ther £80m back from Man Utd ..... after they discovered Primark were selling big girls' blouses for just £4!
Real Madrid are wanting ther £80m back from Man Utd ..... after they discovered Primark were selling big girls' blouses for just £4!
What Would Jack Do ?
#11
masan's saddle
- Emperor
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- Location:masan's horse
Posted 22 June 2009 - 12:14 AM
How many policemen does it take to wallpaper a bedroom ?
It depends how thinly you slice them.
SHAZAM !!!
It depends how thinly you slice them.
SHAZAM !!!
Now all the friends that you knew in school they used to be so cool, now they just bore you.
Just look at em' now, already pullin' the plow. So quick to take to grain, like some old mule.
Just look at em' now, already pullin' the plow. So quick to take to grain, like some old mule.
#13
Illuyankas
- Retro Classic
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- Group: The Hateocracy of Truth
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- Will cluck you up
Posted 13 July 2009 - 01:41 PM
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. I’m on a quorl.
#16
Zanth13
- We are not the same
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- Location:Right Behind You
Posted 20 July 2009 - 03:59 PM
somebody should post the epic snake joke that was in the old joke thread....
literally took like 20 minutes to read... i wonder if i still have it
literally took like 20 minutes to read... i wonder if i still have it
You can't find me because I'm lost in the music
#17
bwgan
- OFFICIAL Keeper of Shiny Things of the Abyssmal Army
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Posted 26 July 2009 - 12:43 PM
Proudly showing off his newly-leased apartment to a couple of friends late one night,
a drunk Welsh lad led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Welsh clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Welsh clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, a Welsh voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid w*#%ker . It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'
Sorry about the language
, but it doesn't work as well without it.
a drunk Welsh lad led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Welsh clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Welsh clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, a Welsh voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid w*#%ker . It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'
Sorry about the language
, but it doesn't work as well without it.
'Tell me, Tool, what dominates your thoughts?'
The Imass shrugged before replying. 'I think of Mafia, Adjunct.'
'Do all Imass think about Mafia?'
'No. Few think at all.'
'Why is that?'
The Imass leaned his head to one side and regarded her. 'Because, Adjunct, they are sheeple.'
Sometimes I wonder, "Why is that frisbee getting bigger?" ... and then it hits me.
The Imass shrugged before replying. 'I think of Mafia, Adjunct.'
'Do all Imass think about Mafia?'
'No. Few think at all.'
'Why is that?'
The Imass leaned his head to one side and regarded her. 'Because, Adjunct, they are sheeple.'
Sometimes I wonder, "Why is that frisbee getting bigger?" ... and then it hits me.
#18
Gothos
- Map painting expert
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Posted 26 July 2009 - 12:51 PM
Zanth13, on Jul 20 2009, 03:59 PM, said:
somebody should post the epic snake joke that was in the old joke thread....
literally took like 20 minutes to read... i wonder if i still have it
literally took like 20 minutes to read... i wonder if i still have it
the one about the snake Nate and the lever to end humanity? it was so bloody awesome!
I mean, the buildup was, it could well go for a book of it's own, the best buildup in the world to make the corniest joke ever at the end...
I'd love to read that one again one day.
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
#19
Illuyankas
- Retro Classic
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- Group: The Hateocracy of Truth
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- Joined: 28-September 04
- Will cluck you up
Posted 26 July 2009 - 01:34 PM
I recently decided that the only time I would ever have cocaine is if I could snort it off a duck's back. I have a couple of reasons for this, first being that the phrase off a duck's back appeals to me, and something off of one works as a line, second being that keeping a live duck still enough to actually set up the coke is tricky enough that no-one's ever going to call me on it, and finally I can call it
Spoiler
Hello, soldiers, look at your mage, now back to me, now back at your mage, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped being an unascended mortal and switched to Sole Spice, he could smell like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re in a warren with the High Mage your cadre mage could smell like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an acorn with two gates to that realm you love. Look again, the acorn is now otataral. Anything is possible when your mage smells like Sole Spice and not a Bole brother. I’m on a quorl.
#20
Zanth13
- We are not the same
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- Group: Kings of Drink
- Posts: 1,697
- Joined: 23-August 06
- Location:Right Behind You
Posted 26 July 2009 - 05:01 PM
Gothos, on Jul 26 2009, 01:51 PM, said:
Zanth13, on Jul 20 2009, 03:59 PM, said:
somebody should post the epic snake joke that was in the old joke thread....
literally took like 20 minutes to read... i wonder if i still have it
literally took like 20 minutes to read... i wonder if i still have it
the one about the snake Nate and the lever to end humanity? it was so bloody awesome!
I mean, the buildup was, it could well go for a book of it's own, the best buildup in the world to make the corniest joke ever at the end...
I'd love to read that one again one day.
yesssss thats the one!!!!
brilliant...
someone has to have it
You can't find me because I'm lost in the music
