[KeithF]

-Karsa is faced with a long and arduous court battle to get custody of his daughters. Things are further complicated by his tendency to kill someone every time he hears the word 'witness'.

-Tehol Beddict lays the foundations for the Crippled God's defeat by persuading him to invest in subprime mortgages in Assail.

-Silchas Ruin gets a phone call, and hears Kettle's voice saying "Seven days".

-Shurq Elalle gets together a troupe of other undead Letherii, and they do the Thriller.

-A character travelling through the warrens and/or wilderness finds something really weird, and what it is is revealed before the end of the book.

-After the shenanigans of Toll the Hounds, Hood decides to take some time off and goes to work as a farm labourer on Quon Tali.

-Icarium arrives in his machine (which now resembles a DeLorean) and invites Mappo to join him in the future, saying "Where we're going, we won't need warrens!"

-Gruntle gets a new job advertising Frosties.

-Paran's debut album, "I Ain't Nothin' But A Hound Dog" rockets to the top of the charts.

[Eddie Dean]

You have made my day. :Patch:

[Aptorian]

I was going to say this wasn't fit for the book forums and move the thread, but I'm laughing too much.

[MTS]

This thread is hilarious.

[KeithF]

Apt - Apologies if this is in the wrong forum. Where should Malazan-related jokes/parodies go ideally?

[HoosierDaddy]

Good question. It's fairly serious, so too serious for the Inn (I'm sure a Mod will disagree...), and funny at the same time. I say it's on-topic and keep it here.

[Ain't_It_Just_]

KeithF, on May 22 2009, 12:58 PM, said:

-Karsa is faced with a long and arduous court battle to get custody of his daughters. Things are further complicated by his tendency to kill someone every time he hears the word 'witness'.

-Tehol Beddict lays the foundations for the Crippled God's defeat by persuading him to invest in subprime mortgages in Assail.

-Silchas Ruin gets a phone call, and hears Kettle's voice saying "Seven days".

-Shurq Elalle gets together a troupe of other undead Letherii, and they do the Thriller.

-A character travelling through the warrens and/or wilderness finds something really weird, and what it is is revealed before the end of the book.

-After the shenanigans of Toll the Hounds, Hood decides to take some time off and goes to work as a farm labourer on Quon Tali.

-Icarium arrives in his machine (which now resembles a DeLorean) and invites Mappo to join him in the future, saying "Where we're going, we won't need warrens!"

-Gruntle gets a new job advertising Frosties.

-Paran's debut album, "I Ain't Nothin' But A Hound Dog" rockets to the top of the charts.

You have split my sides laughing. Kudos. Loved the Iccy one!

Seriously though, I doubt Mappo will find Iccy in this book. The next one fo sho.

[Aptorian]

KeithF, on May 22 2009, 08:13 AM, said:

Apt - Apologies if this is in the wrong forum. Where should Malazan-related jokes/parodies go ideally?

It's a constant problem for these types of threads. Funny jokey material is not supposed to go in the serious book forums, but spoilerific threads don't fit in the Inn.

We have thought of making a "Book Inn" but its just such an unsexy solution that may cause more problems than it's worth.

[D'rek]

Well we can just throw it in the Hall of Fame then!

[Grief]

Yeah, we had this problem with the "convergence" thread.

The problem being the thread is essentially spam, of the funny variety. It can't go in the inn, as it's spoilerific, but it really shouldn't be in the book forums either.

[KeithF]

I suppose there could be a general Malazan fanworks forum, for art, fiction, poetry and parodies.

Anyway, some more things that won't be happening in DoD:

-To raise money for his anti-Crippled God activities, Paran turns the Deck of Dragons into a collectible card game.

-Kettle returns...but now she sparkles in sunlight and calls herself Bella.

-The Eres'al is featured on a very special episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit

[Eddie Dean]

KeithF, on May 22 2009, 04:00 PM, said:

I-Kettle returns...but now she sparkles in sunlight and calls herself Bella.

That...would be something.

[Coco with marshmallows]

just when all hope seems lost and the crippled god is about to destroy existence,
Paran creates a chicken that kills the CG.

unfortunately it is no mere chicken. It is evil incarnate......

[Sinisdar Toste]

- Matron Acyl's madness goes off the charts and she turns Ampelas Rooted into the most happening nightclub in the wastelands

- otataral is revealed to be a cure for erectile dysfunction and through its proliferation causes sorcery to die out

- "The islands" that are constantly referenced through MT and RG are revealed to be a laboratory for inter-species breeding programs run by Tehol and Bugg

[alt146]

- Icarium undergoes hypnotherapy to deal with his repressed memories and anger management issues.

[Ain't_It_Just_]

KeithF, on May 23 2009, 07:00 AM, said:

-Kettle returns...but now she sparkles in sunlight and calls herself Bella.

If that happened...I would systematically kill myself myself, Stephanie Meyer and then Steven Erikson. Not necessarily in that order.

Anyways:

-The T'lan Imass realise their mistake of enacting the Ritual and start up a life insurance company.

-Chaur awakens from the Azath House, moves in and he and Raest begin a new series of "The Odd Couple."

-The Seguleh invent the TV and begin a 24-hour aerobics and fitness programme.

[MTS]

I am mad at my inability to contribute to this thread...

[Khellendros]

- Mappo finally catches up with Icarium, who suddenly gains all his memories back. Turns out, Icarium didn't need to build machines, he just needed to recognise and admit to himself that Mappo was his one true love. They then consummate.

- In order to continue their inter-species breeding program, as mentioned in a previous post, Tehol and Bugg kidnap Bottle and the Eres'al. Things take a turn for the worse, however, when Trull is resurrected and wants to know why the Eres'al has been cheating on him. The Eres' argument that handjobs don't count as cheating serve only to enrage Trull further.

- Udinaas confesses that he was just acting mysterious the whole time, and pretending he had secret knowledge which he never quite reveals, so that people would pay attention to him, as he doesn't love himself. In truth, he knew jack all and was just winging it.

- The K'Chain Matron Acyl's latest genetic invention is revealed - The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog with nasty, sharp, pointy teeth!

- Random Character number 26 does not randomly philosophise about the futility of life/death/shredded wheat when no one asked their opinion in the first place and only wanted directions.

[KeithF]

Khellendros, on May 23 2009, 11:20 PM, said:

- Random Character number 26 does not randomly philosophise about the futility of life/death/shredded wheat when no one asked their opinion in the first place and only wanted directions.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA. It's so true. Also on the subject of philosophy and politics in the series:

-Tehol Beddict invents Marxism, then realizes he's just made his only major life skill completely useless.
-Shadowthrone's grand master plan turns out to be a big scheme to make people see that life isn't so bad. This causes the Crippled God's defeat because no-one wants to listen to him moaning any more.
-The Crippled God's final master plan is the creation of Emo, but it doesn't work because most of the cast are already as angsty as they can get.

[Ain't_It_Just_]

Khellendros, on May 24 2009, 08:20 AM, said:

- In order to continue their inter-species breeding program, as mentioned in a previous post, Tehol and Bugg kidnap Bottle and the Eres'al. Things take a turn for the worse, however, when Trull is resurrected and wants to know why the Eres'al has been cheating on him. The Eres' argument that handjobs don't count as cheating serve only to enrage Trull further.

Sounds like the basis for a sitcom...

-The plague in 7C decides to move to a new neighbourhood, and renames itself "Swine Flu."

-The Moranth begin pottery classes for demolition experts.