[Ain't_It_Just_]

Cause, on May 17 2009, 09:29 AM, said:

In the empire we have Doctors of Medicine, Biochemistry and physics. We have a man whose drunken powers of insight are legendary and an evil cat who has fed on so many brains he must have learnt something. But can we solve this riddle. Can te women on our research team even work out this madness?

Here is the story.

Quick History:
There was a girl. I liked her. We were sort of friends I flirted with her alot. I asked her to a ball I had to go to and after asked if she would like to have dinner another night see where things went. A date! She said no. Fine. Our friendship declined a little, alot of my interest was obviously in getting a date, and months passed. Round new years she asked me to a party she was throwing and I said no I had other plans. I did. During new years she messaged me said she was upset I was not there and was sad she never got to kiss me. We spoke did not really want to pursue this since I had asked her out before,f lirted with her before and it came to nothing. Did not want to ask again and get rejected in some wierd game. But long story short we got toghether. Dated for 4 months. Everything seemed fine.

Than on sat 2nd May she asked me to go to a friends 21st with her seemed a bit distant 3rd May she had asked me a while ago to go see cricket with her and we went to that. Later that night she sent me a message after I had gone home asking to chat. Said she would be at my varsity mon morning. I went to see her she broke it off.

The break up:
Dont ask me to explain this one I cant really do it. She cried a little. Said she felt that being a girlfriend was a commitment and it takes time and she felt like she never really had it and it was unfair to me... Said she felt all this pressure about being my girlfriend. WTF!

I tried to speak to her. No avail. Asked where all this was coming from. She had never said or indicated anything before. Said she had to leave and we parted ways. Later I sent her a message said Ithought her reasons were nonesense, phrased a bi better. Her reply

'Thanks for your message. I cant tell you how horrible i felt yesterday after we'd spoken. Im sorry that i wasnt able to tell you on sunday night what i needed to see you about, i really wrestled with how to approach the whole thing. I felt awful that this came out of nowhere for you but i cant think of how to ease into these things, i reckon its impossible. What i said to you was very badly expressed, and im afraid i cant even word things very well in writing. The only way i can put it is that i had started to feel like it just wasnt the best thing for me to be a girlfriend. It probably sounds ridiculous, but its the truth.' Cause' you are one of the most important people in my life, and i so enjoy all the things we do together. Dating you was fun and honestly im flattered that you considered me girlfriend material. Youre probably the 1st normal boy that has ever liked me. The thing is that all the other things that demand time from me demand my physical time, where a relationship demands a different kind of emotional energy. And u really always did respect my needs to study etc. The pressure i spoke about was coming from me. I know it must sound really weird, but i hope u can appreciate that u did nothing wrong, and u make me very happy. I just feel that its not fair to stay in a relationship when you feel you cant give the best of yourself to it. I dont suppose that explains it any better...i really really sincerely hope that we can eventually be friends, i realise that thats probably the last thing i should be saying, but its definitely what im feeling...'

Am I crazy or is my inability to feel she is telling the truth here accurate. I cant help but think she must have been unhapp with the relationship. Not that she never had the time. Its the cliche its not you its me line.

The riddle:
While we were an item she recieved a invitation to a party with a plus one. Thats was meant to be. She recently smsed me about it and said she would really like me to go with her. WTF! Why would she ask this. WHy would she expect me to go?

My immediate reactions:
Say no its no longer appropriate, its not our social contract
Saying no will doom any friendship we might ever had making all subsequent meeting awkward
Say yes see if I can get her back
Wont happen
She wants it all, she wants to be just friends but she will want me to go as her date to things like this. Take me to her university ball etc. Ask me to plays etc. Excpects me to go out of my way for her as I did when we were dating. Not realising I did so to make tings work.

So your thoughts?

Man...her mind has multiple hemispheres!

Tell her she can't have it both ways-she's obviously confused. Try to reach a compromise.

[Aptorian]

Cause, on May 17 2009, 03:08 AM, said:

Yes I also dont buy her reason for breaking it off.

That said I actually was her first boy friend.

Wait. How old is she? And how old are you, Cause? Is she a University student or something like that?

If she's in her twenties and you're her first girlfriend, then you can only expect the relationship to get a bit messed up as she finds her bearings.

Was she a virgin when you started dating? Back in the Gymnasium I dated two different girls who were virgins before I met them and had never dated seriously. After a couple of months it was obvious when both of them had some kind of mental shift and just wanted to try something new. Your impression of what you want in a releationship when you have no actual experience easily clashes with a persons mindset when they've suddenly tried things for the first time.

Personally I've thrown myself into plenty of relationships with girls before I actually knew what I was getting into. Maybe she just wasn't that in to you from the get go, but just wanted the similation of being in a steady relationship. Maybe she really wanted to be in to you, but just didn't have mental and emotional reserves to commit herself. Maybe you just suck in her honest opinion and she found out she wanted something better. Who knows.

No need to start calling her messed up or some evil minx who's just playing with his heart. Not everything about relationships need to be ananlyzed like its rocketsurgery.

Anyway, you hardly even mention sex in this post. Were you her first? Has she had a lot of boyfriends (Yesh, I'm sure she was honest about that one)? Was the sex good? Crazy Monkey Sex or just tender consensual sex in the missionary position? (You sick bastard). Personally, if she still wants to get the freak on occasionally, I don't get what the problem is.

[Tapper]

I'd go, but only on the condition that you'll talk the break up stuff over. At worst, you're seen at one more party with her, so what? At best, you understand the why and maybe, just maybe, if it is all honest insecurity and 'I don't know what to do with myself!', you can reverse stuff.

Maybe she slept with someone else, felt all guilty about it, and broke up due to that without wanting to tell you, hence the vague story. In that case, well, you'll know that break up was a good thing, or you can say it doesn't matter and be a true hero (and later on, possible walkover, though from my own experiences, a little forgiveness in this respect as a university student is not always bad).

Anyway, I'd have a long talk with her. Seeing someone, looking them in the eye and being able to ask and answer questions just helps. Somehow. It will also stop yourself possibly feeling guilty for breaking up later on if you REALLY liked her, knowing you did all you could, instead of giving the cold shoulder straight away.

Tapper, always one for the soft approach.

[Shinrei]

That's not a bad thought Tapper. I personally would be "take a hike" but there are a lot of people smarter and more tactful than me.

[stone monkey]

The question you have to ask yourself is: is she worth the hassle? If the answer's yes, then put up with it; because until she gets her head sorted out and decides what she wants, one way or another, it's always going to be this way. If it's no; run screaming for the hills...

Her thoughts on what you do are pretty much irrelevant at this point, especially as she would appear not to know herself where her head is at. It's up to you.

Make a cost/benefit analysis (if we're going to be totally ice cold about it) What do you want out of the relationship? How much compromise are you willing to make on this? How much of her shilly-shallying are you willing to put up with? What are the chances of her coming to a definite decision, given past behaviour? How much emotional investment have you made and how willing are you to put that aside?

Think long and hard about your answers; because she sounds like the kind of person who could really mess your head up, especially if she's your own personal kryptonite in feminine form... And when you make a decision, stick to it; the one thing you don't want to be doing is second guessing yourself...that way madness lies.

I should hasten to add here that I personally am still, at nearly 40 years old, utterly terrible at making such decisions. And also, every relationship/potential relationship type situation is different and the only thing one can learn from one's past mistakes is how to repeat them exactly.

[Thelomen Toblerone]

stone monkey, on May 17 2009, 02:18 PM, said:

the only thing one can learn from one's past mistakes is how to repeat them exactly.

LMAO! Unfortunately very true, I'd not thought about it like that before. I applaud you insight, and am not going to steal that observation for witty reference in the future.

[Astra]

Wry, on May 17 2009, 02:58 AM, said:

"she doesn't love you as much as she knows she should".

Yes, and she feels like something is missing in your relationship (maybe she doesn't really know what it is she is missing). Maybe because you are her first, she is curious, how would it be with a different guy but she is trying to keep you by her side...just in case?

[Astra]

Sombra, on May 17 2009, 03:06 AM, said:

Mate, she was fucking with you, and not in the fun way.

You may have been her first "official" boyfriend, but I'll lay money on the fact that she likes shagging bastards. When they dump her, she needs a pick-me-up and goes to you - Mr Rebound. But unlike the no strings sex she was getting being with you has obligations, plus you're probably too decent a bloke, because she has fucked up Daddy issues and has a deep seated need to be treated like a bitch.

So when Mr Bastard comes back, or a clone of him turns up, her hormones go "Woooo!" and you get cut from the team.

However for public functions, her fuck buddies don't make the list, so she wants you to be the one she shows off so all her friends don't realise she is a shallow fucked up bitch. Once your usefulness is over you go back on the shelf. Until next time she needs a nice lad.

All that talk about "oh I don't think I'm a girlfriend type yet" or whatever shit she was dribbling is - at best - a sign of her mental and/or emotional instability. At worst she is playing games with you to boost her self esteem (which is a perpetual rollercoaster) and using you as a placeholder for other guys.

The NICE option:
Tell her to get some consistency. I know this is pushing shit uphill, but get her to do the best she can. Because it's not cool to mess with other people like she has been doing.

The NASTY option:
Kick the bitch to the kerb and don't even bother telling her. Don't reply to emails/calls/sms etc. Don't waste a single iota of energy on her. Because life is too short to be collateral damage in someone elses' train wreck.

Cheers,

La Sombra, "Eject! Abort!"

WOW!

[amphibian]

Bent, on May 16 2009, 09:40 PM, said:

50 bucks theres another guy she likes and he showed interest, so you had to go.

I too think this is what happened. It's happened to me

Judge this girl by her actions, not by what she says. Thus far it's not a good series of actions. Cut this girl out of your life entirely. She doesn't bring anything good to the table.

[Slow Ben]

First, let me say i agree with all the other stuff said, i'm just throwing this out there as another option.

Young and stupid usually go hand in hand.
I know i sure as hell was stupid, and i definitely didnt know what i wanted in a relationship. Its possible she's just confused and doesnt know how to react to the new feelings and instead of embracing or trying to understand them, she pushes you away cause its easier. In which case she needs to figure it out and you'll have to be patient while she does.

IF, thats the case, its also very possible she's just plain mean.

[teholbeddict]

stone monkey, on May 17 2009, 02:18 PM, said:

the only thing one can learn from one's past mistakes is how to repeat them exactly.

This little bit of wisdom is now making it's way into my sig! Thanks SM, as usual you've made me smile!

[frookenhauer]

Back away slowly and send in the automated robot with the shotgun to explode the package. I think Sombra has probably hit the nail on the head with regards to her past dalliances with bastards and/or daddy issues. Dreks paragon relationship method might also apply. To me she sounds a bit messed up in the head, but she doesn't seem to be a no hoper, especially in your eyes...otherwise why post any cries for help?

My idea would be to play the game and pick up the phone and say: "Listen what you did was pretty fucked up and if you come down here right now and give me a damn good reason why I should go along with you, if its good enough, I'm good to go." I'll leave the entry and exit strategy up to you.

This way she has to fight to get you to go and you wont be at her beck and call, I'm pretty sure you want to go with her, but it'll be under your own terms.

Oh and Tehol has a strong argument with regards to the whole dominance thing and she might be right too.

[lord of tragedy]

i think its a question of self respect. you have none and go with her and in doing so reinforce her reason for not being with you or you stop moping over an immature egotist who obviously is incapable of proper human companionship.

as the streets says women flirt to see what they are worth, if you can recognise this and realise that what she is searching for is valediction then she should be easy to anticipate and u nderstand.

to sum up. treat them mean and keep them keen.

[Wry]

lord of tragedy, on May 18 2009, 12:12 AM, said:

i think its a question of self respect. you have none and go with her and in doing so reinforce her reason for not being with you or you stop moping over an immature egotist who obviously is incapable of proper human companionship.

as the streets says women flirt to see what they are worth, if you can recognise this and realise that what she is searching for is valediction then she should be easy to anticipate and u nderstand.

to sum up. treat them mean and keep them keen.

Great advice if you want a nice shallow relationship full off manipulation and emotional power plays. Sure if you play it right you could probably mentally abuse her in a subtle enough way that she'd never be confident enough to leave you again. Go for it!

[HoosierDaddy]

lord of tragedy, on May 17 2009, 07:12 PM, said:

i think its a question of self respect. you have none and go with her and in doing so reinforce her reason for not being with you or you stop moping over an immature egotist who obviously is incapable of proper human companionship.

as the streets says women flirt to see what they are worth, if you can recognise this and realise that what she is searching for is valediction then she should be easy to anticipate and u nderstand.

to sum up. treat them mean and keep them keen.

The bolded parts here seem strange to me!

Lol@Wry

This post has been edited by HoosierDaddy: 17 May 2009 - 11:33 PM

[Adjutant Stormy~]

I've seen this before. Several times.

This is all conjecture, but I feel like several things can be said for certain:
1) Women value being desired. She affirms her worth by getting you to jump through hoops, just because you want her.
2) You have a penis. This is your weakness. She knows it.
3) You can't win at this. You don't know the rules, you can only decide whether or not to play.

Don't play. It's stupid, and she's either obnoxiously immature, or a disaster waiting to happen.

[RodeoRanch]

Run!

[Adjutant Stormy~]

RodeoRanch, on May 17 2009, 08:55 PM, said:

Run!

No more adequate summary could have been given.

[lord of tragedy]

Wry, on May 18 2009, 12:30 AM, said:

lord of tragedy, on May 18 2009, 12:12 AM, said:

i think its a question of self respect. you have none and go with her and in doing so reinforce her reason for not being with you or you stop moping over an immature egotist who obviously is incapable of proper human companionship.

as the streets says women flirt to see what they are worth, if you can recognise this and realise that what she is searching for is valediction then she should be easy to anticipate and u nderstand.

to sum up. treat them mean and keep them keen.

Great advice if you want a nice shallow relationship full off manipulation and emotional power plays. Sure if you play it right you could probably mentally abuse her in a subtle enough way that she'd never be confident enough to leave you again. Go for it!

everyone has an agenda except for the truely christlike.

[dktorode]

Bent, on May 17 2009, 03:40 AM, said:

50 bucks theres another guy she likes and he showed interest, so you had to go. Happens. Sorry Cause, but truly do you really want to stay with a chick that goes nuts every few months?

Thats my thought exactly...conniving women can be conniving.

Could also be that you were just treating her too nicely, nice guys always come last.
Pretend you couldn't care less about her and she will come running back... :gaes-orfantal: