Help
<br clear="all">
Name: American Beauty What you're expecting: The story of a Miss USA using her beauty contest payout and winning smile to right wrongs, make people happy, and, after all the clichés, actually achieve world peace. Not bad for a little country girl from Alabama!
What you're getting: Kevin Spacey having one helluva mid-life crisis, becoming infatuated with his daughter's best friend, blackmailing his boss, and taking up a job in a fast food restaurant. Amongst other things.
The scene when you know something's not right: That's be the first one. Yep, the one where he's masturbating in the shower. Within 45 seconds of putting the DVD in. That one.
<br clear="all">
Name: Happiness What you're expecting: An hour and a half's of cinematical musings on the finer things in life, the quirkier things in life, and the happier things in life, all nicely wrapped up with a Love Actually, everyone's happy finish.
What you're getting: A Bible-black, darker than your nightmares, seriously weird comedy that involves Seymour Hoffman's character, Allen, making obscene phone calls and masturbating. Another character is Bill, the pedophile, who we won't go into here, and Jon Lovitz's character, who commits suicide. Lovely stuff!
The scene when you know something's not right: Pick any. Seriously, any. From start to finish, it's all seriously, blood-curdlingly, parent-gaspingly shocking. Anything with Bill the rapist in. That'll do.
<br clear="all">
Name: Pleasantville What you're expecting: It's got a black and white front cover, with a '50s setting and a cute couple being so gosh darn cute and all, and there's Tobey Maguire, and he's a sweetie, and it's just so, you know, lovely! A young pair of lovers fall in love, get married, or something like that. That's what it'll be.
What you're getting: You're getting the '50s loveliness... because the couple went inside the 1950s TV show. There on in, as the modern-ness infects old-ness, it's the slow realisation of hedonism and pleasure... self-pleasure included. Then there's a woman-alone-in-a-bath self-appreciation going on in one scene and all you want to do is go make a cup of tea or eight and pray you could throw a towel over your mum and that your sister would shut the hell up.
The scene when you know something's not right: The aforementioned bathtub moment. It comes out of nowhere, the swine.
<br clear="all">
Name: Rosemary's Baby What you're expecting: Rosemary's baby... grows up to be Rosemary's little baby boy, then onto being Rosemary's beautiful grown-up son, and so forth. It's a family drama, or somesuch, lessons will be learnt, relationships will be renewed, and it'll all end with a Christmas sing-song around the piano.
What you're getting: Satanism, baby, Satanism. Satanism and then some. Demonic presences have sex with Rosemary, and lo Rosemary's wee babbie isn't your typical little munchin. The Church Of Satan has a scary congregation, and Nana ain't gonna like it.
The scene when you know something's not right: When you find out Rosemary's due in June, 1966. That'll be... 6/66. Ooo err.
<br clear="all">
Name: Alice, Sweet Alice What you're expecting: Alice, sweet Alice is an unlucky orphan who grows up in a children's home, only to be eventually taken in by a generous couple looking for a child of their own. They don't get along at first, then they do, and whilst going through their stuff she discovers she wasn't an orphan all along... and her adopted parents are her real parents. How lovely!
What you're getting: A young girl being brutally murdered in a church by a psychopath, just before her first communion. Who could it be? Many others will be killed before we find out, until then it looks like the girl's big sister might have done it...
The scene when you know something's not right: When Alice puts on the mask and scares the bejesus out of her sister, Karen. Seriously, it's freaky.
<br clear="all">
Name: Pink Flamingos What you're expecting: A nature documentary from the Attenborough stable, full of gorgeous shots of sea, sand and sky, wild animals caught on camera, unaware of the fact that a man with white hair is whispering excitedly behind a bush. Perfect family fodder. Can't go wrong with a documentary.
What you're getting: Not so much bad taste as really, really, really bad taste. It's the tale of an overweight crossdresser hell bent on becoming the filthiest person in the world. Think murder, bestiality, rape, dismemberment, coprophagia (that's eating excrement to you and me), and you're not quite there. Never mind your granny, you're the one who's going to have a heart attack here.
The scene when you know something's not right: When you find out the couple next door run an adoption 'baby ring' by making their gay manservant have sex with women. And that's not the half of it.
<br clear="all">
Name: 9 Songs What you're expecting: An old man's life is played out, song by song, each of which reminds him of a distinct period of his life. You discover what's made him the man that he's become, and learn the life lessons he's learnt, all the through the medium of song. Kind of.
What you're getting: Two instances of sex, real sex, caught live on film and put out on mainstream cinematic release, making it the most sexually graphic film ever made and put out in the UK with an 18 certificate. It's intense, it's explicit, it's got genitalia all over the shop, making it the ultimate prank DVD to slip into your mate's mum's Christmas stocking when you've just popped round for some mulled wine.
The scene when you know something's not right: What would you like sir, there's plenty to pick from. How about the live ejaculation scene? A very good choice sir, may I say.
<br clear="all">
Name: Last Tango In Paris What you're expecting: It's like Dirty Dancing, but in Paris. A young man meets a young woman, and he teaches her to come out of her shell... through the medium of dance! No naughtiness here, just... dancing! Some sexual tension! A little bit of sexual tension never did anyone any harm, did it?
What you're getting: An old-school (to put it politely) Marlon Brando getting it off with a younger woman, and not really sparing us any details visually, either. It's been said that it came about from the director's once dreaming "of seeing a beautiful nameless woman on the street and having sex with her without ever knowing who she was." Then making a film about it. As you do.
The scene when you know something's not right: It's Marlon Brando with his top off! It's Marlon Brando with his top off!
<br clear="all">
Name: The Dreamers What you're expecting: Some optimistic young 'uns dreaming of what might be when they get out high school, fantasise about what will be when they grow up, and 30 years later meet up again to see what's what, have a few laughs, have a few beers, and get up to some hilarious hijinks too. Lol!
What you're getting: It's 1960's France, and Eva Green doesn't so much have her top off as have everything off. She also has sexual encounters with her brother and his friend. It's weird, it's sexy (in an odd way), it's... French cinema. We're joking, obviously. There isn't enough cigarette-smoking in it for starters. Or beret-wearing.
The scene when you know something's not right: Is that the Bond girl from Casino Royale naked in the bath? With two men? You're damn right it is!
<br clear="all">
Name: Wild Things 2 What you're expecting: They made a sequel of Where The Wild Things Are!? Already? This is awesome! How's Max? Does he still fit into his wolf costume?
What you're getting: It's a Wild Things movie. So pointless plot, school girls, and the obligatory threesome scene. To add anything more would be an insult to your intelligence, but let it be said it's got Susan Ward in it, so you'll love it. Your mum won't.
The scene when you know something's not right: Did someone say threesome scene? Yes, someone did. Us. Just then.
Read more: http://www.asylum.co.../#ixzz1E8qvthE9
