Posted 06 August 2025 - 05:29 PM
Secondary Groove problem.
I have a co-worker. He was hired during covid to fill the spot of an employee who left. I probably interact with the people who do his same job maybe 25% of the time. When he was first around we realized that he was into some of the stuff I was into (TV, movies), and even though he's probably 10-12 years older than me we got along. He would come by and chat with me. Tell jokes. Be silly. Laugh ect. He CAN, however, occasionally be a lot to take and has been known to tell somewhat sexist jokes, and rowdy stories. I would not likely be friends with him outside work for these reasons. But as a co-worker who I generally got along with, it was fine.
Fast forward to just before Xmas last year and I had bought my new house and was moving to the town he actually lives in. Now, I keep my work life and home life separate on purpose. I have some of the co-workers on my cell phone for job reasons, not usually social ones. I have also been here 15 years and have worked with some of those people that long and have developed deeper friendships with them that might occasionally result in a text message outside work socially. But nothing more. This dude, as we are leaving for the Xmas holidays randomly says "Hey, do you want my phone number now that you live in my town, in case you need anything, or a ride or anything (I didn't have a car at the time)?"...and my general anxiety disorder kicked in at the prospect of interacting with a co-worker outside work in that capacity and I said "No thanks" and then laughed it off a bit, and then he gave me a weird look so I leaned into the "make a joke of it" aspect to rip on him and say "I don't want you randomly calling me...hahaha"...and his mood went icy and he said "Let's make that a permanent thing then." and bolted by me and went to his car.
Now the first comment (that I didn't want his number) I don't feel is offsides. The second comment when my anxiety kicked and made me make a poor joke could be construed as rude seeing as he thought he was doing a solid. My wife confirmed this for me at home. She said "just tell him what happened and apologize for that part". So IO planned to do this. Though my sister in law later said that if I was the opposite gender then no one would question my reaction to someone randomly offering me their phone number and me turning it down and awkwardly joking. And I feel that's true, and the pariacrhy basically means I have to accept it as a dude from another due that he's upset...so that sucks.
Anyways, when we came back from holiday I walked right up to him and said "Hey man, about what happened before the holiday. I have diagnosed general anxiety disorder, and I had a poor reaction and made a poor joke to cover it. That was rude, and I am truly sorry."...he eyeballed me, shook my hand and walked off. That was in January. My wife said time heals all wounds, but this man (who is in his late 50's mind you) has been icy to me ever since. He will interact with me on a business level if he needs to and he's normalish, when we do...but al business. But any semblance of the joking around that he used to behave like and still does around everyone else is gone and he's frosty even saying hello when I pass him in the halls.
I'm baffled that the grudge is hanging around. I apologized in a heartfelt way the first day back after the incident, and I explained that it was not him but me and my anxiety that caused it.....but somehow none of that is enough.
I do not understand the level of upset you need to have to old onto such a strange grudge with a co-worker over a momentary thing...having to do with me turning down your phone number for social interactions behind the scope of work...did I do anything wrong in my apology or behaviour after? I don't get it.
"When the last tree has fallen, and the rivers are poisoned, you cannot eat money, oh no." ~Aurora
"Someone will always try to sell you despair, just so they don't feel alone." ~Ursula Vernon
Help
Tiste Simeon, on 24 July 2025 - 05:17 PM, said:
