[Abyss]

You're republicans?

[TheRetiredBridgeburner]

This is why you have financial disclosure in a divorce (or at least in the UK you do) - to show what's in the pot, and what isn't. As others have said she can't ask you for money you don't have, and no judge would mandate you go into debt to pay for her needs. The marital pot is the marital pot, it is split between you on whatever grounds. Sadly for your ex there is no magical tree upon which money grows. It sounds like she needs to think about living within her means - a good lawyer would be advising that, rather than (possibly) advising chasing you for non-existent money.

[Morgoth]

There's an exceptional number of incompetent lawyers. I see dispositions from them on a daily basis.

[Macros]

 Morgoth, on 31 March 2016 - 06:32 AM, said:

There's an exceptional number of incompetent lawyers. I am one on a daily basis.

Ftfy

[Morgoth]

 Macros, on 31 March 2016 - 07:16 AM, said:

 Morgoth, on 31 March 2016 - 06:32 AM, said:

There's an exceptional number of incompetent lawyers. I am one on a daily basis.

Ftfy

I assumed that was a given.

[Andorion]

A bridge has collapsed in my city onto traffic. There are several dead, with the toll expected to go up

[Tsundoku]

 Andorion, on 31 March 2016 - 11:13 AM, said:

A bridge has collapsed in my city onto traffic. There are several dead, with the toll expected to go up

Just Googled that. Nasty indeed. I hope they can get the trapped people free safely.

I also hope they hang the bastards responsible, because that shit doesn't just happen all by itself. They'll probably get away with it though - money talks.

This post has been edited by Tsundoku: 31 March 2016 - 11:21 AM

[Andorion]

 Tsundoku, on 31 March 2016 - 11:21 AM, said:

 Andorion, on 31 March 2016 - 11:13 AM, said:

A bridge has collapsed in my city onto traffic. There are several dead, with the toll expected to go up

Just Googled that. Nasty indeed. I hope they can get the trapped people free safely.

I also hope they hang the bastards responsible, because that shit doesn't just happen all by itself. They'll probably get away with it though - money talks.

The political mudslinging is already on. The current government is blaming the old government as they are the ones who handed out the contract. The old government people are blaming the current government for inadequate supervision. Engineers are blaming everything from bad design to bad material to bad construction.

There are several very bad things about this incident

The Time and the Place. It was just past noon, at a very busy, congested business hub full of people. This is where a lot of the wholesale business gets done and its extremely crowded. Noon is peak hour.

The Location of the Collapse is at an intersection so there were a number of vehicles present. A news channel has managed to get traffic camera footage and the bridge clearly fell on some cars.

Response was slow and inadequate. The police lack the training and fire brigade lack the heavy machinery for a sustained rescue though the fire brigade immediately started cutting through. The army was called after 2 hours, when they should have been called immediately. they are the most efficient force in a disaster. Plus the subway construction people have a lot of heavy cranes but they were also called after a lot of time had elapsed.

Things are slowly improving now as they have cut through some girders and rescued some people. One taxi driver whose head was sticking out and one guy who could only get one hand out to beg for water have both been rescued.

The thing everybody is dreading is that a passenger bus may have been trapped as well. Hopefully not, but if so, thats another 40 people.

The company concerned has apparently been running at a loss of several hundred crores (figures not confirmed) and senior management is missing.

As for corruption there is a lot of it, but in this case the specific type of corruption needs to be isolated. There was obviously some type of bribery for the initial contract, but how much number fudging was done and how many inspections were evaded? Hope there's a judicial probe.

[Arthur Dayne]

Gust, having gone through this as the aggressor on filing for my divorce (infidelity on her part) from my own experience here are some things to think about to keep you (hopefully) sane into the near and out future...

I feel like I remember you are currently in your separation phase. If this is court ordered (god I hope it's court ordered) this means you are on the path toward filing in most states. A LARGE contingent of states require mandatory proven legal separation for up to a year and getting that started is a big step for several reasons. 1) It starts your countdown to a happier life and gives you something to look forward to. It establishes a timeline and gives you major steps to take in order to get finalized. This is a big deal. 2) It should give the state reason to direct you to whatever child support office is present and establishes your legal obligations between your wife and you and your kids as far as money is concerned. This is ALMOST THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO because it sets child support requirements and that is ALL YOUR WIFE GETS assuming no spousal support is ordered in separation. It takes it out of your hands and more importantly, her hands. Right now everything you are giving her is a GIFT. I use the word GIFT because that's what the courts will call it. Not "support money" not "common expenses you can claim" money... no no... it's a GIFT from you to her and it doesn't count for a damned thing. If you go through the state, it is ensured through the justice department that your legal obligations have been met and no further arrangements need be made until you actually get a parenting plan drawn up and approved.

Please. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, think of yourself first on this one and if it's too much then GET. A. LAWYER. Protecting your future and your kids future by reining in your soon to be ex-wife's excesses now will be more than worth this extra expense and hardship. My ex-wife basically let me dictate terms because she knew she could potentially get nothing and I wrote her into the paperwork in a fair way. Since I feel like you have the same idea in mind not to just hose her over I hope she will eventually get over herself and be a team player on this but just in case you absolutely should be covering your future success and assets and children from her because she is currently in one hell of a dramatic downward spiral and she will pull you down as low as she can to come out on top.

Good luck, we're here for you.

[Gust Hubb]

Thanks. Unfortunately she refuses to meet with me to let her review all the number crunching I have done. She will only listen with a mediator present so that is next week's task. I am so full of rage that she is being so stubborn and wasteful, demanding more from me but giving little ground in return. It's like tug-a-war with a boulder. She also still thinks it would be a good idea for me to pay her rent so she could take less in maintainence and she could get a tax break and government assistance. I have already told her, and told her again, this is illegal. It is fraud. I sent her documentation evidencing this. She is not listening, a pouty little girl who won't budge or compromise. I hate her so much right now. I am barely keeping myself from saying, `fuck this' getting a lawyer and doing everything in my power to fuck her over entirely. I am barely holding onto what I feel like is the right path, because gods, I just want for once to make her eat her crow pie. Just once, and hard, very hard.

[Mentalist]

 Gust Hubb, on 01 April 2016 - 12:25 AM, said:

Thanks. Unfortunately she refuses to meet with me to let her review all the number crunching I have done. She will only listen with a mediator present so that is next week's task. I am so full of rage that she is being so stubborn and wasteful, demanding more from me but giving little ground in return. It's like tug-a-war with a boulder. She also still thinks it would be a good idea for me to pay her rent so she could take less in maintainence and she could get a tax break and government assistance. I have already told her, and told her again, this is illegal. It is fraud. I sent her documentation evidencing this. She is not listening, a pouty little girl who won't budge or compromise. I hate her so much right now. I am barely keeping myself from saying, `fuck this' getting a lawyer and doing everything in my power to fuck her over entirely. I am barely holding onto what I feel like is the right path, because gods, I just want for once to make her eat her crow pie. Just once, and hard, very hard.

Uh, wat???

yeah, ok that's where you HAVE to draw the line in the sand and at least TALK to a lawyer. I'm sure your state's Bar has a "lawyer referral service" that can give you an initial free consult. LOTS of lawyers sign up to those to do some pro bono work.

[Una]

GH! What is going on? You don't have a lawyer?

Where the heck are the two of you getting your ideas about how this is supposed to work? TV? Her sister's friend's aunt who went through a divorce 20 years ago and insists this is how it goes? Is that why her expectations are so kooky?

Tomorrow, ask around and get referrals to a decent lawyer. Then start making some phone calls and set up some appointments to see them. I know they are expensive, but this is just one of those situations that calls for a professional. My ex was being ridiculous, but I at least had the peace of mind that if he got too abusive or his demands got too crazy, I had 1) an expert reassuring me that what he was demanding simply wasn't how it worked and 2) I could just forward the emails to my lawyer and let him deal with it. I didn't even have to read them if it was too anxiety provoking.

If you want to go the mediation route, which I would totally recommend as an chance to get it done cheaper, less confrontational, and less stressful, you are still going to want an advisor in your corner. You clearly need someone to tell you what to do in your current situation so as to protect your boundaries, while also appearing to be accommodating and reasonable. This will help in mediation, and, god forbid, court.

[Gnaw]

 Una, on 01 April 2016 - 01:48 AM, said:

I know they are expensive, but this is just one of those situations that calls for a professional.

GH, there is nothing so expensive as going the cheap route. Get a lawyer. A good one.

Cheaper in the long run by far.

[worry]

Everybody but GH read this:

Spoiler

Maybe if everyone starts saying "DON'T get a lawyer" he will finally get one. See if it works.

[Gust Hubb]

Guys, I do have a lawyer, kind of. I met with one last week for an initial interview and her advice was to take one more stab at working with my ex on this, trying to talk to her and get her to see reason before hiring the lawyer. So I don't have an official lawyer yet, but that is my last fall back point if the mediator fails next week. I am starting to run out of time (everything is due on the 22nd), but masochist that I must be, I am hoping to avoid an all out battle that may prevent this nightmare from getting settled.

You have no idea though how much appreciate you guys backing me. It's really hard on this side of the screen. I really want to break out the legal fisticuffs but I am trying to be patient and build up a case that I am accommodating when she is unreasonable.

In the long game, I still may win.

[worry]

Nobody but GH look at this:

Spoiler

Now that that's out of the way, I'm glad to hear that. It's actually pretty reassuring. I think a lawyer, by virtue of knowing the law and being your best advocate within it, will keep you from getting vengeful, and rather focus on the best outcome (for the kids of course but for you too in terms of not being taken advantage of).

[Andorion]

 Briar King, on 01 April 2016 - 05:30 AM, said:

I'm surprised CNN hasn't clipped or had txt onscreen on Ando's bridge. Not one thing since I've watched

I think BBC had an article on it. Thankfully the death toll will probably stay around 25. There was no bus trapped under there, and once the army made a tunnel under the rubble they got a lot of people out. It could have been much worse. The street is so narrow, if it had toppled sideways it would have brought houses down

[Morgoth]

 Gust Hubb, on 01 April 2016 - 02:39 AM, said:

Guys, I do have a lawyer, kind of. I met with one last week for an initial interview and her advice was to take one more stab at working with my ex on this, trying to talk to her and get her to see reason before hiring the lawyer. So I don't have an official lawyer yet, but that is my last fall back point if the mediator fails next week. I am starting to run out of time (everything is due on the 22nd), but masochist that I must be, I am hoping to avoid an all out battle that may prevent this nightmare from getting settled.

You have no idea though how much appreciate you guys backing me. It's really hard on this side of the screen. I really want to break out the legal fisticuffs but I am trying to be patient and build up a case that I am accommodating when she is unreasonable.

In the long game, I still may win.

Part of the function of a lawyer in situations like this is to keep the bad feelings at a minimum. When the conflict is between two lawyers with the clients in the background it all becomes more professional and less emotional.

[Egwene]

 Gust Hubb, on 01 April 2016 - 12:25 AM, said:

Thanks. Unfortunately she refuses to meet with me to let her review all the number crunching I have done. She will only listen with a mediator present so that is next week's task. I am so full of rage that she is being so stubborn and wasteful, demanding more from me but giving little ground in return. It's like tug-a-war with a boulder. She also still thinks it would be a good idea for me to pay her rent so she could take less in maintainence and she could get a tax break and government assistance. I have already told her, and told her again, this is illegal. It is fraud. I sent her documentation evidencing this. She is not listening, a pouty little girl who won't budge or compromise. I hate her so much right now. I am barely keeping myself from saying, `fuck this' getting a lawyer and doing everything in my power to fuck her over entirely. I am barely holding onto what I feel like is the right path, because gods, I just want for once to make her eat her crow pie. Just once, and hard, very hard.

GH, whatever you do, never face her when you feel like that. Things said or done in anger seldom have a positive effect.

Having a third party present is probably not a bad idea - but you, too should have someone with you, not just her, to make it a balanced meeting.

I don't know what you do workwise - have you investigated if who you work for has some kind of free legal advice available for their workforce? Here in the UK many large companies have something along those lines. I see from your more recent post that you have had a chat with a lawyer. If you can come to a mutually agreeable settlement without a lawyer, then that would obviously save you a lot of money but you need to make sure that any such agreements are fully documented and it would probably be a good idea to sign them in front of legally acceptable witnesses.

Getting lawyers can be a double edged sword. If the lawyer of either party is going for the 'get-as-much-as-we-can' route and totally unwilling to compromise, then that may draw out the discussions and make it extremely expensive. Maybe the initial option is for you to engage a lawyer for a one-off, paid consultation and get advice on what you are legally responsible for/entitled to. Obviously make sure that you have all your figures with you, your questions lined up and that you are totally honest so that you get the full picture. Then, with the figures at hand, make a written proposal based on that advice, to the ex, pointing out that you have taken legal advice on this. Make the point that although the full legal route would obviously cost a lot, that nevertheless, you are prepared to take it, however, that she needs to understand that the cost arising from that will obviously have a considerate impact on any financial settlement. Make sure that she understands that you are willing to be reasonable but that at the same time you would rather end up giving all your money to the lawyers then have yourself taken for a ride.

As I said at the beginning - do not talk to her if you are emotionally wound-up. Put your proposals in writing, sleep over them, re-read what you have written when you feel calm, then send her a mail. Read and re-read ten times before you send anything to make sure that everything you are saying is as objective and un-emotional as you can make it. Leave out any comments about her personally and stick strictly to the subject matter. The more impersonal/professional you can be in your dealings with her the better. Being emotional can make you vulnerable to both, being taken advantage of as well as either of you becoming unreasonable.

I sincerely hope the whole thing will get sorted soon for you. Keeping everything crossed.

[Maark Abbott]

Up for a few hours last night with blinding stomach cramps. Feel like shite this morning. Must have eaten someone bad.