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Gust Hubb, on 24 August 2020 - 06:38 PM, said:
So, my wife told me today we would spend the day together after she got home from her night shift. To me, that means she comes home. Probably gets some much needed sleep and we go out for our pre-planned bike ride, followed by making our dinner together and spending the night in cuddling with movies. I don't think that is unreasonable.
What actually happened is she went out with friends (not asking if that was ok), stays out with them till just after 1 pm, and then comes home expecting to pick up the day with me from that point onward. To add insult to injury, she says she was finishing up around 10:30 am, which means she took 2.5 hours to get home because "finishing up" does not mean leaving then and there and not taking a detour to drive drunken friends home.
And then she comes home and I don't beat around the bush. I express I am hurt and angry, that I feel like the day has been tainted by this. Because, now I am all worked up and frustrated, so having a nice day with the person with whom you are angry doesn't work. But does she say sorry or apologize? No. Does she say she shouldn't have gone out with her friends. No. Instead, she says she had a long shitty work weekend (justifying going out with frienda), was ready to go out with me when she got home (saying she slept some at work, only drank two drinks and had a lot of water to boot), and felt that we still had most of the day together (so that going out with her friends was not intrusive).
I feel it comes down to simply the spirit of the day. Today was her day with me, and with all the baggage behind her going out with friends and then not giving clear timelines of when she'll be home (not to mention how often she gets wrapped up in her friends' drama during these outtings), you would think it would be no surprise that I would be upset she pulled this shit on our day. Has nothing to do with her going out with friends other days,or a lack of sympathy for long shitty work weeks. It has to so with sticking with one's word and thinking of the other person.
What actually happened is she went out with friends (not asking if that was ok), stays out with them till just after 1 pm, and then comes home expecting to pick up the day with me from that point onward. To add insult to injury, she says she was finishing up around 10:30 am, which means she took 2.5 hours to get home because "finishing up" does not mean leaving then and there and not taking a detour to drive drunken friends home.
And then she comes home and I don't beat around the bush. I express I am hurt and angry, that I feel like the day has been tainted by this. Because, now I am all worked up and frustrated, so having a nice day with the person with whom you are angry doesn't work. But does she say sorry or apologize? No. Does she say she shouldn't have gone out with her friends. No. Instead, she says she had a long shitty work weekend (justifying going out with frienda), was ready to go out with me when she got home (saying she slept some at work, only drank two drinks and had a lot of water to boot), and felt that we still had most of the day together (so that going out with her friends was not intrusive).
I feel it comes down to simply the spirit of the day. Today was her day with me, and with all the baggage behind her going out with friends and then not giving clear timelines of when she'll be home (not to mention how often she gets wrapped up in her friends' drama during these outtings), you would think it would be no surprise that I would be upset she pulled this shit on our day. Has nothing to do with her going out with friends other days,or a lack of sympathy for long shitty work weeks. It has to so with sticking with one's word and thinking of the other person.
I thought about this for a few days. I have been the person who makes spur of the moment plans that either compress the amount of time I spend with my partner or force a change in the plans with my partner. I would help a family member do this, talk to friends longer than I thought, go out to do something and badly estimate how much time it would take etc.
What helped me realize that I needed to change that habit of seeing the plans with my partner as the last priority was hearing how excited my partner was about spending that time with me, how much it hurt them to have to cut down the time again and again for others, and how they felt really bad about being the last priority and the one who will forgive the other person despite being hurt.
It doesn't feel good to come home to a partner who is really hurt and disappointed that the plans aren't happening because of decisions made unilaterally by the person who was out.
It really meant a lot to me that my partner was mature enough about this to talk it out with her therapist and talk to me about her feelings rather than say I was an asshole about what I was doing. I could connect to her feelings and realize that my few minutes of fun had routines around it that needed to change.
I needed to prioritize her higher and protect the time with her better, even if that meant declining plans or cutting things short. I needed to communicate with her when things came up and to accurately estimate how much time something would take (my hardest skill to improve). I also needed to generally be home when I said I would be home because in a shared life, especially with kids or family commitments, a schedule becomes very important for everyone. A fuckup once in a while is alright, we're all human, but being roughly on time is important to everyone and leads to a much less stressful environment for everyone.
So when talking to her about it, I suggest staying centered on your feelings, on how you were excited to have time with her, the hurt of feeling last place, and about what you need from her.
Then it's on her to respond. I hope she rises to the occasion.
