[The .303 bookworm]

I'm currently writing an "intro" sequence in my Fic "The 4th war" introducing "The Seguleh"

I'm stumped as how to show them off as "Cool", I started with:

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Chapter 9 - The punitive army of the Seguleh [3 Seguleh were a punitivy army against a powered magical army of thousands, and succeeded]
The 3 Seguleh walked into town...

Then a description of the 3 Seguleh (Mok the 3d and brothers, the 25th, 26th aged 16/17) and their original mission of a hunt for the 2d.

My idea was to show them kicking a Bounty hunter or 12's asses or demolishing some Aku robots (4th war takes place in the world of Samurai Jack) but I've allready had various sequences of Aku's standard robot beetle armies get destroyed, "Wild west" style bounty hunters getting killed and a bar fight introduction, so I'm looking for something fresher.

Also Ideas as to how Mok would fare against Iccarium or Samurai Jack (Or both with a calm[not Keening/civilization destroying rage] Iccy), Mok has a skill edge against Jack but is physically inferior and lacks a uber sword. [Foaming at the mouth uber Icc is also probably too much) would also help.

The fic in question: link
Thanks

[The .303 bookworm]

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Chapter 9 – The Punitive Army of the Seguleh

The 3 Seguleh walked through the outskirts of the town.
Each of the 3 men wore a mask bearing nicks and scratches, but they were deep marks, and not accidental ones.


The foremost of the 3 figures stood tall (The other purposefully angled their necks down when facing him or near him); his mask bore only 2 twin vertical slashes.

He was Mok, 3d ranked of the people known as "The Seguleh".


Accompanying him were 2 others wearing far more worn, pitted & slashed masks.

They were known as the brother-Twins Fen & Sen, the 18Th & 17Th highest ranked from among their nation of nearly peerless warriors.


The original task that had been bequeathed to Mok & his subordinates had been to search out & find the lost Second of the Seguleh, yet the warren they had used for transport had opened but not taken them into its normal plane but instead had sucked them into this strange world.

Unperturbed by his new surroundings Mok had decided to search for the Second in this new world anyway, as well as a way back to their Island home (And world) as well as if there were any worthy of overtaking his or the hiddenSecond's position in the Annal-Marks of the Seguleh.

However So far all he and his lessers had found were empty surroundings, a few abandoned or scorched towns, a few human & mechanical bandits who foolishly attempted to incommode them and endless blackcarapaced automatons (wielding diamond edged blades as arms) scouring the countryside.
These were slightly more notable foes but despite their speed, strength, hard shells, razor sharp blades and endless numbers (Which mattered not for Mok so recently blooded with the remains of the armies of thePannion Domin) they were less of a challenge than what was worthy of that to be faced by a mere Black-mask Adept individually.


The stainless steel doors of the "Hellish times" saloon slid open with a faint "Hisss".

The faint lighting from the musty "Akudon" lithium lights barely illuminated the entrance, revealing the shadowy outlines of 3 humanoid figures.

The Foremost of the 3 took a step forward, drawing a massive crescent blade as he did so.

"We seek the greatest of warriors here, the one known as "The Samurai"".

The various shadowy denizens of the bar glanced at each other (via eye, sensor or filsorp), at their own (Smaller) weapons then all pointed towards a lone figure sitting at the corner of the bar at the far end of the saloon.

The trio entered walking in swift cadence, while almost not a single eye (Sensor or filsorp) looked up from their glasses (tubes, oil sacks or gas canisters) to examine their armoured forms or covered faces. Allmost every eye[i/] .

They reached the lone man and stopped walking simultaneously as the leader of the trio spoke:

"[i]You are "The Samurai"?"

The man sitting at the bar did not turn around, instead he finished his tea in a single gulp then replied:
"Yeah, whats it got to do with you?"

The lead figure spoke again, anticipation dripping from his tones

"We have come to defeat you, prepare to D-"
His words were cut off as "The Samu-rai" smashed his elbow into the man's pelvis (just where two armour plates met and left a vulnerable "hole") then rammed a sword through his chest down to the hilt.

"The Samu-rai" spun around revealing his form - a brown skinned man, large & tall wearing a short brightly coloured shirt and baggy trousers, his observors didn't have time to take his appearance in as he drew a bamboo stick from behind him and whipped it around smashing it into the kneecap of the second of the trio, pulverizing it and leaving the man to collapse whimpering to the floor.

He turned to the third
"You want some of this too?!"
The man shook his hands, dropped his scimitar and ran out of the door leaving his compatriots to writhe on the floor.

"The Samu-rai" grinned a full toothed grin "Anyone else want some!" he shouted.

The other beings in the bar quickly turned away to look at their beverages, cups, bowls, vacuum flasks, electrical sockets & soylent brews.

All that is save those of 3 beings who had watched the fight with great, clinical, analitical interest.

"If this is the champion of this region and is highly thought of no less" Signalled Fen.

"Yes, no real skill, just some flash, speed and a few techniques are all this one possess" (Signalled back Sen).

Mok remained Aloof as befitted him his place above his inferior companions here among outsiders of such little worth.

He considered the disparate elements present in this "Samu-Rai"'s style, it seemed to be a case of a fool being taught the arts of combat by a true warrior, and one of surpassing skill considering the prowess of this warrior (Despite his butchering of many techniques and obvious holes & fighting flaws).

Someone capable of training such a dolt might prove truly skilled, perhaps the wayward Second, or perhaps someone else, someone worthy of Mok or one of his companions. (If he was to be trapped on this world then it was time to begin the work of re-establishing the Seguleh, and for that he would need warriors of true skill, though inferior to himself of course).

Mok had been preparing to fight the First in a few years, but he would not object to becoming the Zerox of this world.
Once he had established his superiority of course.

Behind his mask Mok smiled in eager anticipation (though outwardly he had not moved an inch).

-----------------------
So what'cha think of my handling of "The Seguleh" so far?

[caladanbrood]

I like it, although you do use an awful lot of quotation marks, which can get quite annoying.

I do like your mixing of worlds though. Full of possibilities:) You've done a good job of the famed Seguleh aloofness, too.

[The .303 bookworm]

caladanbrood;150884 said:

I like it, although you do use an awful lot of quotation marks, which can get quite annoying.

I do like your mixing of worlds though. Full of possibilities:) You've done a good job of the famed Seguleh aloofness, too.

When are the quotation marks"" overused?
I did it with the name "Samu-Rai" to show how this isn't samurai Jack (But a different character, a braggart and bully who called himself "The Samu-RaI!"), but can't think of other examples.

Thank you very much for the critique, review, compliements and Seguleh note .
(I had the fear that someone might not understand that the punks that were slaughtered were mere bounty hunters and not our 3 favourite fighting machines, so I rewrote this part, was it clearn enough?)

[caladanbrood]

On first read, I thought it was the Seguleh, but it became clear when the Samurai had dealt with them. Could benefit from a bit more clearing up though.

As for quotation marks, once "Samu-rai" has been written like that once, it can just be written without the quotation marks after that.

I'll list the others later though, probably this evening, as I've got an exam to go to in 10 minutes:(

[The .303 bookworm]

caladanbrood;151161 said:

On first read, I thought it was the Seguleh, but it became clear when the Samurai had dealt with them. Could benefit from a bit more clearing up though.

As for quotation marks, once "Samu-rai" has been written like that once, it can just be written without the quotation marks after that.

I'll list the others later though, probably this evening, as I've got an exam to go to in 10 minutes:(

You were meant to think that they were the Seguleh until the point where they were slaughtered.

Good luck with the exam

[caladanbrood]

The .303 bookworm;151162 said:

You were meant to think that they were the Seguleh until the point where they were slaughtered.

Good luck with the exam

In that case, it worked very well:)

And thanks, but it went rather badly, unfortunately.

So, places you don't need quotation marks...

He was Mok, 3rd ranked of the people known as "The Seguleh".
Simply put, it's a name, not a quote. Theres nothing wrong simply writing: the people known as The Seguleh.

The stainless steel doors of the "Hellish times" saloon slid open with a faint "Hisss".
Again, Hellish Times is just the name of the saloon (I'm assuming), so no need for the quotation. The hiss is harder, though. "To hiss" is an action that the door is taking. If it was slip open with a faint "Ooooooohyabuggerwhydidyouopenmesoquickly" (a bad example, but demonstrates the point well enough, I hope), then the quotation marks would be fine, but because it's the literal noise that the door is making, whereas hissing is a word used to describe the noise. I hope that makes sense.

As for this Samu-rai stuff, I think you need to settle on one spelling for it - either with or without the dash. It gets quite confusing. The first time it's said, the quotation marks are ok, but after that they're unnecessary, and just make the text messy. Especially when it's written as a description, and not said by a character.

Hope that helps a bit...