Malazan Empire: Badly Cast the Malazan Empire - Malazan Empire

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Badly Cast the Malazan Empire

#1 User is offline   instantdeath 

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Posted 08 December 2017 - 10:02 PM

Casting games for fantasy books are popular. I thought it would be fun, however, to mentally cast Malazan, but with the purpose of creating the oddest, most surreal, most terrible thing we can. Post your choices for these iconic characters that are simply wrong, either because they're not suited for the role, they would be "too Hollywood" and therefore distracting, or simply because they're not very good.

Random few characters to get us started.


Ganoes Paran: Adam Sandler

Whiskeyjack: Nicholas Cage

Surly: Oprah

Dujek Onearm: Will Ferrell

Anomander Rake: Tommy Wiseau

Caladan Brood: Steven Seagal

Kallor: Danny DeVito

Quick Ben: Eddie Murphy

Kalam: Will Smith

Apsalar/Sorry: Miranda Cosgrove

Felisin: Miley Cyrus

Adjunct Lorn: Paris HIlton

Adjunct Tavora: Kim Kardashian

Duiker: Jack Black

Coltaine: Terry Crews

Crokus: Drake Bell

Fiddler: Rob Schneider

Kruppe: Benedict Cumberbatch or Idris Elba. Someone with pathos.

Mallick Rel: Donald Trump in a cameo


I'm sure I'll think of others later.

This post has been edited by instantdeath: 08 December 2017 - 10:09 PM

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#2 User is offline   Nevyn 

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Posted 08 December 2017 - 10:19 PM

I mean, if I'm going to cast badly I have to whitewash all the Tiste Andii roles.

Ganoes Paran: Benicio Del Toro


Whiskeyjack: Carrot Top


Surly: Kristin Chenoweth

Dujek Onearm: Aziz Ansari

Anomander Rake: Jim Gaffigan

Caladan Brood: Steve Buscemi

Kallor: Topher Grace

Quick Ben: Shia Labeouf

Kalam: DJ Qualls

Apsalar/Sorry: Anna Paquin

Felisin: Keira Knightley

Adjunct Tavore: Emily ratajkowski

Duiker: Seann William Scott

Coltaine: Andy Dick

Crokus: Gaten Matazarro

Shadowthrone: Silverster Stallone

The Rope: Patton Oswalt

Karsa Orlong: Antonio Banderas

This post has been edited by Nevyn: 08 December 2017 - 10:20 PM

Tatts early in SH game: Hmm, so if I'm liberal I should have voted Nein to make sure I'm president? I'm not that selfish

Tatts later in SAME game: I'm going to be a corrupt official. I have turned from my liberal ways, and now will vote against the pesky liberals. Viva la Fascism.
When Venge's turn comes, he will get a yes from Mess, Dolmen, Nevyn and Venge but a no from the 3 fascists and me. **** with my Government, and i'll **** with yours
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#3 User is offline   worry 

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Posted 08 December 2017 - 10:51 PM

Tehol Beddict: Ben Stein
They came with white hands and left with red hands.
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#4 User is offline   Abyss 

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Posted 09 December 2017 - 03:51 AM

Kallor: Woody Allen
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#5 User is offline   Zetubal 

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Posted 09 December 2017 - 12:48 PM

Jason Momoa as Kruppe

Eddie Murphy as Anomander Rake

Danny DeVito as Karsa
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#6 User is offline   Abyss 

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Posted 09 December 2017 - 12:55 PM

DANNY DEVITO AS KARSA IS EPIC CASTING!!!!!!
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#7 User is offline   instantdeath 

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Posted 09 December 2017 - 04:07 PM

It is indeed. Despite his short stature, DeVito can be pretty scary.

I love the idea of Danny DeVito playing anyone in the style of Frank Reynolds
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#8 User is offline   Zetubal 

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Posted 09 December 2017 - 05:09 PM

Glad that you two agree with me on that. Maybe we could also have Peter Dinklage as Bairoth Gild then. Though a mean of such eloquence would also probably do great as Koroll or Bellurdan.
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#9 User is offline   Abyss 

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Posted 09 December 2017 - 06:39 PM

Could see Dinklage as Hood. He has the right attitude to make up for the lack of stature and tusks.
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#10 User is offline   instantdeath 

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Posted 09 December 2017 - 06:49 PM

Bearded Jim Carrey as Hood?
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#11 User is offline   nacht 

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Posted 09 December 2017 - 07:08 PM

Roseanne as Surly
Ray Romano as Whiskeyjack
Tom Cruise as Fiddler
Sam Worthington as Kellanved
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#12 User is offline   Zetubal 

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Posted 09 December 2017 - 10:59 PM

 Abyss, on 09 December 2017 - 06:39 PM, said:

Could see Dinklage as Hood. He has the right attitude to make up for the lack of stature and tusks.


While you may have a point when it comes to stature, I'm not quite sure if Dinklage can overcome the lack of tusks.
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#13 User is offline   Adhara 

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Posted 10 December 2017 - 10:26 AM

Arnold Schwarzenegger as Onos Toolan
When the arrow is on the bow, it has to go
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#14 User is offline   James Hutton 

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Posted 11 December 2017 - 12:24 PM

Sean Bean as Toc the Younger Posted Image
Secret message: "Keep up the good work, yours truly"
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#15 User is offline   Adhara 

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Posted 11 December 2017 - 04:13 PM

Brad Pitt as Osserc
When the arrow is on the bow, it has to go
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#16 User is offline   Abyss 

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Posted 12 December 2017 - 03:36 PM

Special guest appearance by Justin Timberlake as Baruch the High Alchemist of Darujhistan.
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#17 User is offline   Not Noto 

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Posted 15 December 2017 - 09:16 PM

Rob Schneider as Iron Bars.
Steve Martin as Coltaine.
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#18 User is offline   yuo 

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Posted 18 December 2017 - 05:21 PM

Ben Stiller as Crokus
Kevin Spacey as Kruppe
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#19 User is offline   Abyss 

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Posted 18 December 2017 - 05:56 PM

 yuo, on 18 December 2017 - 05:21 PM, said:

Ben Stiller as Crokus
Kevin Spacey as Kruppe


As an aside, i bet Stiller could nail the role of Beak.
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#20 User is offline   Adhara 

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Posted 18 December 2017 - 07:54 PM

Steven Seagal as Coltaine.
When the arrow is on the bow, it has to go
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